TW I am angry at my parents for letting me get into so many bad habits 😭

[ThisPearlOP]

title, I have no clue if this is an ok thought to have but I need to write this down also SRY because maybe vent ahead because I cannot stop thinking about it I am literally getting flash backs as me sitting on my carpet in my room eating one bowl after the other or something like what felt like a mountain of food or watching TV for what must have been 15 hours straight on the weekends oh my god...I know this is where it happened and that I ruined my life!!! I wish someone would have told my younger self that you cannot just eat according to appetite and that you cannot act like this all day!!!

I would eat entire packets of oats or a loaf of bread THE WHOLE THING like really the entire sleeve of toast and 2-3 packs of cheese and sausage and so on and then take another 2-4 sandwiches wich me for lunch and start eating them on the way to school etc so I would prob eat twice my TDEE in 1 hour after waking up...!!!

I remember out-eating several adults AS A KID. Multiple grown people. I would eat my meal, another serving or two, everyone's leftovers, and be like meh. what are we having next? That is completely ridiculous and insane and everyone cutesy ignored it or was laughing about how I have a big appetite and whatnot!!!!

I also watched TV non stop I was either at school or watching TV or playing nintendo DS and that WAS unhealthy i am sure because I would rage when I lost at games and stuff I remember having to fix it with tape because I smashed it up so bad when I got so aggressive during games I also had a ps2 that was already kinda old back then and I would throw the controllers I would yell and scream at everyone and I cannot believe I was like this I remember ripping my bed sheets and everything to shreds in a rage and that was 100% over some game no idea what!!!!

Also one time there was some event similar to halloween and I was gifted a whole bag worth of candy plus my shirt as bag so it was A LOT and I carried all of it towards my room and my mom yelled after me watch out you will get sick because she KNEW I was running off to go sit and EAT all of that at once!!!!

WHY WHY did she not stop me of course I would have cried and whatever if she took my sweets away but now as adult I very seriously wish she would have been like no way you cannot eat 2 kilo of candy and I swear it was that much I remember just one part of the little mountain of sweets that I had on my carpet was a whole a 500g bag of schoko bons (a popular candy in Germany) and that is absurd I must have eaten 10k calories as a kid on a random evening I could CRY just thinking about it!!!!

HOW HOW HOW did no one notice that this is so far away from what anyone would consider normal and that I would mess up my LIFE!!!

THE THING is though that my parents were both nice I had the freedom in the world I never got punished they were never mean they bought me everything I wanted so how can I be angry at the it makes no sense I am such a terrible kid when I you think about it!!! But then again I WISH I would have grown up in a way that might have been more restrictive but maybe I would be healthier now!!! 😭 How can I just forget that and move on or can anyone relate why I think this way now??? Believe me I am so ashamed of this already!!!!

YABU. Take responsibility for yourself, you were a child then but you're not now.

It's actually very hard to change such behaviours as an adult, even when you recognise the cause.

I'm in a similar situation to the OP.

How convenient it is to blame someone else for all your shortcomings.
This modern trend of adults blaming everything wrong in your life - which you have autonomy to change - on your parents is tiresome in the extreme.
Of course boards like this - full of self-appointed Best Parents Ever are super-confident they can advise because they just KNOW their children will have no issues when they grow up.
What a load of nonsense.

Well you smashed up your technology when you didn't win, so I imagine your parents were scared of you. Didn't want to upset you. So let you get on with what you wanted to do
Anyway you can only start from where you are right now, so yes they possibly did you no favours, but you have to take responsibility for yourself now. It's your only option as an adult

blaming your parents will do you no good…it won’t make you feel better. I feel like society always has to find someone to blame and people need to take accountability for themselves instead of dwelling on what might or might not have been. I grew up with microwave meals, unrestricted access to sweets and fizzy juice and could watch as much TV as I wanted. Summer holidays I was locked in the house in my own while both my parents worked. I definitely have had some unhealthy eating habits in my life but I don’t blame my parents. I think we underestimate how aware people were in those days…it’s not like there was loads of social media or the internet to spread awareness of how damaging ultra processed food was or how damaging screen time can be…all this stuff was new…my parents were post war babies who literally grew up with nothing…rationing was still in place when they were little. By the time I came around and they had access to all this stuff in the 80s and 90s it would never have occurred to them that it was bad. They were giving me what they never had as a child. I dont blame them at all…I’ve known for years that sweets are bad for you, that watching TV all day and doing no exercise is unhealthy. When I open another bag of maltesers…it’s not my mum and dads fault…it’s totally mine.

I read this with real compassion for your hurt. Parents are meant to look after you, and what you’ve described is not that. Mine lacked in affection/approval so I get the sense of betrayal.

But. You can only start from where you are here and now. I find that it can help me to untangle things and deal with them that way so in your case I’d split it into

(1) what can I do to help myself NOW in terms of my health (which will inevitably involve understanding the WHY at some point but in the meantime could just be moving a little more, eating a little less - I promise even small changes it will help)

and

(2) how do I feel about my parents’ behaviour to me as a child and how am I going to deal with that

Inevitably there is some overlap, of course, but “control the controllables”. You can’t change the past (although per (2) above you can take steps to deal with it). But you can eat 5 biscuits instead of 6, walk round the kitchen while the kettle is boiling, stand up and down three times every time you go to sit down, etc. Sounds crazy but it adds up!

Finally a big validating hug - this sounds shit and I feel for you. Recognising the cause and the impact is a huge step forward. Good luck.

You are right to feel sad for the child you were, even with kindness your parents were failing in your care. It sounds like something more was going on though, your appetite sounds extreme, most kids are a bit more self limiting especially with savoury food, I think your parents should have had this looked at, how is your appetite now and do you have any mental health issues or illness going on?

Have you tried talking to your parents about this? All you can do now as an adult is do better. Know better, do better.

There should definitely be parenting classes

Are you autistic op ?
You described a lot of how both my diagnosed autistic son's are .

Are you actually overweight or obese now?

What about your parents? What was their childhood likely to have been like in terms of food - would they have been hungry at times. Did they grow up with the fear of hunger? This may have skewed their view of what was healthy.

It is unusual for a child to eat as much as you're describing unless they are having a growth spurt or they already have an issue with food - they are using it for sensory feedback or emotional comfort or they have a physical issue which means they do not have the hormones that make you feel full.

Research on children who are give unfettered access to healthy food over a reasonable period (months rather than days) show that over time they self regulate and choose food that meets their needs.

Unfortunately UPF food hijacks many of our physical hunger/fullness signals so that could be part of it.

You cannot change your past and parenting is really really hard. All you can do is make decisions for yourself now and your own children later.

I would not be surprised if whatever you do your own children will think it's wrong at some point. Give your parents a break and be thankful for what they did right.

You will need to be careful not to give future children food issues though without meaning to. Don’t make certain foods the enemy, just make sure (when the time comes) there is healthy food but it’s ok for them to have a bag crisps sometimes too.

@ThisPearlOP you can be angry about not having been taught boundaries. Your parents may be lovely, kind people but it is also unwittigly lazy and selfish to take the path of least resistance and not to say no to children, not to teach them about responsibility and consequences. The fact that you are feeling so guilty about questionning their bad parenting / feeling angry suggests you have some work to do in therapy on this. You don't have to start hating your parents!! It's not that at all! They can still be nice parents for you. But you probably need to do a bit of reparenting of yourself so you can do things differently now you are an adult.

@Tessasanderson sorry if this is a really obvious suggestion but you can slightly (further) cut down on the dog's meals and make room for limited lower calorie treats so kids and Ddog still get the fun of them.

Ghrrrrrr, I HATE feeders! Sympathies, OP, so sorry this happened to you. I don't blame you for being angry and yes, your parents should have taken care of you and your eating better, absolutely.

My childhood (re food) was a bit similar. Both my mother and grandmother were feeders, plied me with large quantities of food, unlimited sweets, fizzy drinks and the like. The more I ate the happier they were. Finished your plate and want more? Big smiles all around! Finished a second plate and want a dessert? No problem, eat the whole cake if you want to! Now there's a good girl!

BUT... I was a fat kid, then shot up to my full adult height at 12 and became skinny for a bit. They fattened me up a bit. As soon as I became a teen - the frowns appeared. I'm Eastern European, our girls are tall and skinny all, pretty much no exception, model-like. It's a cultural norm (although we're getting a bit fatter as a nation nowadays). I'm 5'11'', but after all that feeding I wasn't as skinny as I should have been. So then my mother nagged me that I'm 'so very fat' (I was an equivalent of size 12), look at yourself, look how fat you are, the size of your thighs, belly, etc. And simultaneously still she served me huge portions and sweets! Figure that out.

I'm size 6 now. She compliments my figure, but also yammers about me not eating much. Well no shit fucking Sherlock, how do you think I'm a size 6 at nearly 40?!

God that made me feel better. Sorry for the rant, ha.

Children need boundaries and you clearly didn’t have any. Parents shouldn’t let kids overeat either. BUT you’re an adult now, you are free to make your own choices. You cannot keep blaming your parents for the habits you have now.
i was mentally abused as a child which led to me having terrible relationships as an adult, but it comes to a point where you have to take responsibility and you can’t keep blaming your parents for the way you are now.

You're right to be angry OP, this was neglectful on your parents' part not to take better care of your health and nurture your ability to make good decisions for yourself. They took the easy way out.
Ranting on Mumsnet is good, so is writing (and not sending) long letters telling them both what a useless mess they made of your life.
When you've said all you need to say and felt all you need to feel, chuck it all in the bin, be grateful for good things about your upbringing, and focus on how to be your own good parent now. Do you need professional or other help in taking care of yourself, or can you just plan to focus on what will make you healthier and happier?

You sound quite young Op. Could you access any support and counselling.
It sounds like you had an eating disorder and perhaps undiagnosed additional needs. Things have moved on in terms of people getting diagnosed but it’s not always easy to access support and treatment.
Parenting trends change rapidly. It’s moved on from clear your plate. I was child early 80s and it was a 3 meals no snacks no eating out type regime. Some parents prefer kids to self regulate and have access to food without permission. I know I struggled as a young adult with money and ability to buy anything food wise to self regulate so a restricted regime may have led you to same point food wise.

This might be the case if her parents had got her to 18 as a happy, healthy child, and then the OP had left home and become overweight herself. But as it is, the OP absolutely can acknowledge that her parents failed her, while realising that it's up to her now.

I think it is the parents fault but at the same time many parents don’t have the skills to cope especially if it’s a particular stubborn or demanding child or if they just love to see the child happy

even today there are posts on another thread basically saying that they manage to feed one child healthy but can’t get the other one to eat and have resorted to junk food as a result .. parents don’t know how to manage it , they are scared of the child being malnourished, they can’t stand the noise of a tantruming child …

I wish many parents could parent better but that’s just the luck of birth - what matters is how you live on

People’s upbringing has everything to do with how they function in adult life. It’s the blueprint, it’s our inner voice, it’s takes a tremendous amount of strength and self awareness to change it.

Do you know how your parents were parented? It doesn’t change things but might explain why they did that eg if they were left hungry, banned from watching tv etc.
We are a product of our upbringing. Some people do same as their parents, some do opposite deliberately.

Do you have siblings you can talk to? Do they feel same way.

This is interesting. Similar for me.

We did have some, what we now call, UPFs but generally healthy, normal food at home. But my mum never restricted anything I ate however much I liked - and like OP - I would eat 5-6 slices of thick bread with lots of ham, cheese, butter plus some buns for after. No specific day of the week for sweets. I was also allowed to watch TV, do TV games but I guess I was quite naturally driven to doing well at school, quite academic, so no issues there.

They didn't force me to do sports etc either although they always encouraged me and took me to things e.g. ballet, dance etc but also let me stop as soon as I didn't fancy it any longer (which was usually just once!! ;). I think I would have been quite stubborn tbh.

As it happens, like @MsCactus I now make sure to not eat as much (I was chubby as a child/young teen) and I'm now a very healthy weight whereas most of my contemporaries are struggling (I definitely know one girl whose mum was very restrictive and always commented on what she should wear etc and she ended up bulimic, fine now I think).

I feel glad that my Mum didn't comment on my choices. Myself, I am not too strict either - in the sense we do have UPFs, chocolates etc - but I do limit portion sizes in the sense I don't fill the plate up (although there is always more my kids could have if they wanted to).

Parents aren't perfect and I think we realise that as we get our own children. That was also a different time with regards to recommendations re food etc (e.g. eating lots of bread was actively encouraged).

This. I also had hopelessly inadequate parenting, but I’m an adult. I’m responsible for how I deal with what happened to me in childhood, unpicking childhood scripts, and evolving better adult habits.

Also, and I have to comment on this - the only people I know with children who have or have had eating disorders are those with parents who made a big song and dance about healthy foods and limiting foods.

You smashed up your console and controllers, screamed your head off and tore your sheets. If that's just one snap shot of your behaviour maybe your parents were too scared to say "no" to you.