TW I am angry at my parents for letting me get into so many bad habits 😭

[ThisPearlOP]

title, I have no clue if this is an ok thought to have but I need to write this down also SRY because maybe vent ahead because I cannot stop thinking about it I am literally getting flash backs as me sitting on my carpet in my room eating one bowl after the other or something like what felt like a mountain of food or watching TV for what must have been 15 hours straight on the weekends oh my god...I know this is where it happened and that I ruined my life!!! I wish someone would have told my younger self that you cannot just eat according to appetite and that you cannot act like this all day!!!

I would eat entire packets of oats or a loaf of bread THE WHOLE THING like really the entire sleeve of toast and 2-3 packs of cheese and sausage and so on and then take another 2-4 sandwiches wich me for lunch and start eating them on the way to school etc so I would prob eat twice my TDEE in 1 hour after waking up...!!!

I remember out-eating several adults AS A KID. Multiple grown people. I would eat my meal, another serving or two, everyone's leftovers, and be like meh. what are we having next? That is completely ridiculous and insane and everyone cutesy ignored it or was laughing about how I have a big appetite and whatnot!!!!

I also watched TV non stop I was either at school or watching TV or playing nintendo DS and that WAS unhealthy i am sure because I would rage when I lost at games and stuff I remember having to fix it with tape because I smashed it up so bad when I got so aggressive during games I also had a ps2 that was already kinda old back then and I would throw the controllers I would yell and scream at everyone and I cannot believe I was like this I remember ripping my bed sheets and everything to shreds in a rage and that was 100% over some game no idea what!!!!

Also one time there was some event similar to halloween and I was gifted a whole bag worth of candy plus my shirt as bag so it was A LOT and I carried all of it towards my room and my mom yelled after me watch out you will get sick because she KNEW I was running off to go sit and EAT all of that at once!!!!

WHY WHY did she not stop me of course I would have cried and whatever if she took my sweets away but now as adult I very seriously wish she would have been like no way you cannot eat 2 kilo of candy and I swear it was that much I remember just one part of the little mountain of sweets that I had on my carpet was a whole a 500g bag of schoko bons (a popular candy in Germany) and that is absurd I must have eaten 10k calories as a kid on a random evening I could CRY just thinking about it!!!!

HOW HOW HOW did no one notice that this is so far away from what anyone would consider normal and that I would mess up my LIFE!!!

THE THING is though that my parents were both nice I had the freedom in the world I never got punished they were never mean they bought me everything I wanted so how can I be angry at the it makes no sense I am such a terrible kid when I you think about it!!! But then again I WISH I would have grown up in a way that might have been more restrictive but maybe I would be healthier now!!! 😭 How can I just forget that and move on or can anyone relate why I think this way now??? Believe me I am so ashamed of this already!!!!

People are not all starting at the same place. There was some study that fat cells develop when you are a child/teen therefore what you feed your children is very important. Statistically we all have different outcomes based on if you are overweight/obese as a child or not, whether you come from a single parent household, based on your race and socioeconomic station, based on your intelligence etc etc etc.

It is a reason why having children should be considered very very carefully.

We look back at our parents and think why did they do that? And our children will look back at us and think the same. Parenting ideas and beliefs change. What seems normal to us won’t be normal to future generations.

I’d say that’s bordering child abuse. I’m sorry this happened to you. Are your parents morbidly obese/ simply unaware of health and wellbeing related topics?

If someone would let their young child smoke and drink, they’d get into trouble. Junk food has the same/ more adverse effects in terms of health, but due to the powerful food lobby it’s not spoken about in the same way. Their lack of rules and supervision will have likely had you starting your life with multiple health issues.

One of my friends’ parents did something similar and the poor girl has struggled severely as an adult 🥲

What have been the effects in your adult life?

I hope you’re getting both physical and mental support. Sending love.

You're an adult. Move on and live your life as you choose. 🙂

Username checks out @Boomer55

In seriousness though, can I ask you - do you really think it's that easy for some people to just "move on and live their life"...?!

Surely we would have

• no eating disorders
• no addictions
• no self harm
• no nightly drinking "glass of wine as treat" etc

If people didn't have trauma or difficulties with their life, and use food, or substances as a "crutch" ...?

Your parents sound lazy.

I would suggest some counselling to go through what you are feeling. It’s perfectly normal and understandable to be angry with them. When you are older can see things from an adult perspective of course you can see how their parenting has effected you negatively.

Not to mention that if this worked then there would be no inequalities in society. Poor people should just choose to be richer.

In reality you have to deal with the choices you do have. Those choices will be influenced by your childhood (socioeconomic background, genetics, epigenetics, nurture, abuse...)

I said it's normal to act that way for a child who's been allowed to game for hours and hours. Seeing as there are posters on here trying to imply the op as a child was the problem and not the parents who never had any boundaries.

The majority of mumsnetters would not let their children game all day or at least they wouldn't admit it. In fact most mumsnetters wouldn't admit their children ever had temper tantrums full stop.

There is literally every combination:

MsCactus: Unrestrictive parents, now healthy with no food issues

OP: Unrestrictive parents, food issues now

BoatsAndHoes: Restrictive parents, food issues now

Me: Restrictive parents (well poverty really), no food issues

It is not conclusive at all that had your parents restricted you, you would now have a positive relationship with food.

Three things:

1. Surely we now understand that it is mostly genes which determines whether someone grows up to be obese.
2. Having some issues with food seems the norm. A minority are thin by luck (genes) but most thin people I know, past 40, work very hard at it.
3. Some people latch onto the idea that most of their problems stem from their childhood, despite us living in the most fortunate period in history. Don’t agree? Tell me a more fortunate period. Having issues/anxiety/stress is a human condition, regardless of what childhood you had. I had a great childhood - I still have loads of issues! Blaming your parents might make you feel better but that doesn't make it their fault.
4. Wait until you have children - and hear what they say about how your restrictive parenting damaged them.

Absolutely and I agree with you, however at some point we all need to look at the way things are, and decide that we have to do something about it ourselves. You can't continue to blame someone else all your life.

Yes, I understand what you were saying but sometimes children/teenagers have issues which are beyond the control of their parents. My own son stabbed me when he was 13 - amongst various other serious outbursts and incursions. He was later diagnosed as bipolar. I was scared of him and quite frankly if he wanted to play on his console for 24 hours solid, I wasn't going to be the person to stop him.

It is a form of neglect and neglect is hard to stomach. I was a neglected child who also had everything she needed and was driven around constantly for my hobby. I only realised as a damaged adult that there was no love - only duty and compensation for a total lack of affection. Much worse than that, they also knew I had a very bad back - I remember the consultant saying it may need an operation - and they did nothing about it. It is still bad today and I've had codeine practically every day for about 25 years. Nowadays the painkillers only take the edge off, but I refuse to take anything stronger. That is the upshot of neglect.

However, I don't dwell on it and it doesn't get me down. You have to get over it eventually if it isn't going to ruin your life. Some parents can't love or can't discipline or can't care enough. As long as they don't slip into do anything criminal, you just have to accept that they did their imperfect best or your life will be miserable. I cannot do anything about my back, it hurts every single day, but I'm not going to experience additional "ache" from the story around it - it doesn't serve me any purpose to carry that as well. I've been where you are - white hot angry about it - but now it just is what it is and I'm better for it. I hope you can get to this point too.

Did you get lots of love from your parents OP or was everything food-based?

I understand what you're saying I realise now op hasn't said how old she was when all this happened but I assumed a younger child not a teenager because of the mention of the Nintendo ds it was more of a little kid thing than a teen thing.
I still think she's talking about when she was a younger kid and her parents definitely should of stopped her eating so much and gaming so long.

There's no use op dwelling on it though all that can be done is learn from their mistakes and don't make them when raising your own children op

Was it just food and TV, or did they simply fail (for whatever reason) to provide any boundaries?

Kids need boundaries to feel safe.

Interestingly I was allowed to eat wherever I liked and was encouraged because I was skinny, a very fussy eater and the tv was on continually. Although I spent a lot of time outdoors (where I burnt the calories off)

My weight problems didn't start until I was an adult and got a job where i.was in an office all day.

The tv actually gave me a good education and understanding of life.

So whilst I could blame my parents for not introducing control and structure to my eating, really, like everything in life it's actually down to me.

Active parenting of the type some posters are referencing and discussion of boundaries etc. etc. was not really a "thing" until very, very recently. I don't think it's fair to blame these parents for their parenting looking at it from a modern pov at all, especially when the OP admits to her own behaviour being so "challenging".

As often it really is a different world on Mumsnet...

Obviously poor parenting. As an adult you can set your own life straight. Not a huge fan of blaming people. Learn from the mistakes and move on.

Kindly, I'm not sure it's such a good idea to say 'being over weight doesn't feel nice....

Agree with this, a child’s brain is basically creating what will be normal for them in years to come. It’s extremely hard to change patterns of behaviour once they set in.

Are you sure you meant to quote me coz I haven't a clue how that connects to my point.

You're not unreasonable for feeling angry at your parents. They had a duty of care and part of that is to ensure you developed a healthy diet and attitude towards food. I'm sorry they failed you! 💐

Sorry you feel this way and what happened to you.

When you say they drove you around. Was the hobby/activity something they forced upon you or were they actually supporting your interest?

Obviously I don't know all your context as I wasn't there but if my kids complained of a bad back when young I'd probably put it down to growing pains.

Interestingly my eldest - who is NT - had pains but accepted it and then through working through it, got better.

My youngest is always having aches/pains and always insist on painkillers which I know is a bad idea as painkillers can actively CAUSE pain. But youngest is very very stubborn! So they have had more painkillers than eldest (but we're still v v restrictive). Youngest would also frequently say things like 'you don't do anything for me' when anxious/upset about something - unrelated to me - even though I'm very affectionate, do lots and lots in fact most things and show love that way too (in fact they frequently apologise afterwards and say 'I didn't mean that'). I fear that when youngest look back their memory will be distorted and not be a reflection of what is actually happening. I think youngest is ND btw.

What would you define as affection which you say you didn't receive?

I feel similar re my childhood. Everyone gave us sweets, chocolate, cakes , biscuits, fizzy drinks. My weight wasn't too much of an issue, I was chubby for a while but lost it all. But all of my back teeth needed deep fillings by the age of 12. I had 4 extracted at age 6!! I can't imagine my own dc having rotting teeth and continuing to give them sweets. It would be considered a form of neglect nowadays but my family thought it showed love.

It does sound as though your parents dropped the ball in some important ways. Of course, as an adult it's up to you to change those patterns. Although that can be quite difficult, it's far from impossible (as you have discovered, according to your later posts).

I expect we will hear similar complaints in years to come from the generation of children growing up now. The obesity epidemic is just part of it. But there are other, quite grave errors that parents are making now: over-reliance on screens, smartphones given to children, not enough supervision of internet use and far too much supervision and lack of independence and freedom for children/teens IRL. Parents now will say they are doing their best and for most parents that is true. Just as your parents would probably say the same. But you also have legitimate reasons to think that you were not taught good habits as a child, and the new generation will also blame their parents for the mistakes they made.