TW I am angry at my parents for letting me get into so many bad habits 😭

[ThisPearlOP]

title, I have no clue if this is an ok thought to have but I need to write this down also SRY because maybe vent ahead because I cannot stop thinking about it I am literally getting flash backs as me sitting on my carpet in my room eating one bowl after the other or something like what felt like a mountain of food or watching TV for what must have been 15 hours straight on the weekends oh my god...I know this is where it happened and that I ruined my life!!! I wish someone would have told my younger self that you cannot just eat according to appetite and that you cannot act like this all day!!!

I would eat entire packets of oats or a loaf of bread THE WHOLE THING like really the entire sleeve of toast and 2-3 packs of cheese and sausage and so on and then take another 2-4 sandwiches wich me for lunch and start eating them on the way to school etc so I would prob eat twice my TDEE in 1 hour after waking up...!!!

I remember out-eating several adults AS A KID. Multiple grown people. I would eat my meal, another serving or two, everyone's leftovers, and be like meh. what are we having next? That is completely ridiculous and insane and everyone cutesy ignored it or was laughing about how I have a big appetite and whatnot!!!!

I also watched TV non stop I was either at school or watching TV or playing nintendo DS and that WAS unhealthy i am sure because I would rage when I lost at games and stuff I remember having to fix it with tape because I smashed it up so bad when I got so aggressive during games I also had a ps2 that was already kinda old back then and I would throw the controllers I would yell and scream at everyone and I cannot believe I was like this I remember ripping my bed sheets and everything to shreds in a rage and that was 100% over some game no idea what!!!!

Also one time there was some event similar to halloween and I was gifted a whole bag worth of candy plus my shirt as bag so it was A LOT and I carried all of it towards my room and my mom yelled after me watch out you will get sick because she KNEW I was running off to go sit and EAT all of that at once!!!!

WHY WHY did she not stop me of course I would have cried and whatever if she took my sweets away but now as adult I very seriously wish she would have been like no way you cannot eat 2 kilo of candy and I swear it was that much I remember just one part of the little mountain of sweets that I had on my carpet was a whole a 500g bag of schoko bons (a popular candy in Germany) and that is absurd I must have eaten 10k calories as a kid on a random evening I could CRY just thinking about it!!!!

HOW HOW HOW did no one notice that this is so far away from what anyone would consider normal and that I would mess up my LIFE!!!

THE THING is though that my parents were both nice I had the freedom in the world I never got punished they were never mean they bought me everything I wanted so how can I be angry at the it makes no sense I am such a terrible kid when I you think about it!!! But then again I WISH I would have grown up in a way that might have been more restrictive but maybe I would be healthier now!!! 😭 How can I just forget that and move on or can anyone relate why I think this way now??? Believe me I am so ashamed of this already!!!!

You were neglected - not in an actively emotionally or physically abusive way but in a disinterestedly passive loving parent way. No boundaries, rules, lessons in self control and emotional regulation.

That must be hard to come to terms with but at least you were loved. And you never know if the alternative would have been quite the utopia you imagine. It may be you actually had an eating disorder and if you’d had controlling parents with overly strict restrictions, it would have caused you mental health issues and low self esteem in your childhood. And give your parents grace that they most likely were doing what they thought was best at the time - perhaps your mother had parents who controlled her food intake and went the opposite way to try give you what she thought was a better childhood.

You’ll never know. All you can do is invest in yourself now as an adult to learn the lessons your parents never taught you, and be kind and gracious to yourself for those struggles since it’s tricky to undo decades of brain wiring and habits. As long as you’re moving in the right direction, you’re succeeding.

You are the captain of your ship.

Take control of your own life.

How old are you OP? What is your diet and behaviour like now?

I have sympathy with you because it sounds as though your parents didn't support you to have a balanced and healthy diet and help you to set boundaries around gaming and impulsive behaviour.

They may have been doing their best though. Reacting to their own issues with food, struggling to deal with stress of life and parenting and took what they saw as the least difficult path. Why do you think they allowed it?

You can make changes now if you are not happy with how things are. If you struggle to make changes to habits then CBT might help and you may be able to self-refer through GP.

I voted yanbu because they probably should have done more, but are you sure they even knew much about nutrition themselves? If they were uneducated how could you expect them to pass it on to you?
Are you sure you don't have some sort of food related disorder (there's a specific one that stops you from recognising when you're full, can't remember the name now). Because yes, most kids will eat sweets or snacks if available but equally most will stop eating once they're full, not repeatedly eat to the point they're sick. Eating whole loaves of bread and blocks of cheese is very very unusual.

Perhaps your parents did try to stop you when you were even younger, too young to remember and you reacted badly and kept sauing you were hungry? Nobody wants to starve their child. Perhaps they asked a family member or friend or dr for advice and they told them " dobt worry, she'll stop eating when she's full" so they trusted them.

Mine were very caring and full on but had a blind spot about food. I had chocolate after every meal, when I came home from school I had a big slice of chocolate cake for a snack. I was always encouraged to eat seconds and praised for my healthy appetite. The only thing good is we ate good quality and expensive food most of the time so very little cheap jellies or fizzy drinks, the cakes were usually from a good bakery. However the volume was never monitored. My sister had worse habits, she used to eat spoonfuls of butter and pate as a preschooler and was obsese by 4. We both still struggle with it, I am in a constant battle and mostly losing that battle but I keep trying. Its mentally exhausting because the urges never ever go away. I hope I've broken the cycle, dh is very fit and strict about treats, ds is a little overweight but we are working on it. Other Dc are slim.

Sis decided a few years ago to stop fighting and said she found peace with herself being a bigger girl, which is great I guess, but for her finding peace involved gaining another 4 stone. She is morbidly obese now. I dread to think what the future holds for her.

It's very hard breaking the cycle, i understand your frustration OP. But you have to be better and tell yourself that every day... and try to forgive your parents, you don't know what demons they were battling. Maybe by comparison to their early years you were lucky,.maybe they had weak character and lack of confidence and couldn't handle a strong willed child. Maybe they did try in their own way but when they failed they stopped trying. But you need to keep working on it, sadly that's the only way.

You sound very overwrought OP and it might help you to see your GP.

OP, are you adopted? I know of a kid who had no off switch for food. His birth mother was a prostitute, drug taking, not eating properly person while pregnant. So the adoptive parents, who are very good parents, found that they had to be his 'off switch' as he would eat and eat and eat. It worked well when giving him fruit and veg! But they had to be his 'off switch'.
Maybe your parents assumed you would stop when you felt full.

Anyway, it's great you recognise the failings of your parents, and and you can be the master of your ship now.
Concerning the ripping sheets, throwing gaming controllers, sounds like you might have some sort of SEN. It would be worth investigating.
Best wishes to you moving onward with self repair.

Are you sure it's fair to blame your parents for this? I get they never told you not to but maybe they were attempting (and failing it seems) to teach you self control by letting you have freedom to choose. You appear to be the kind of person who cannot stop when they need to and cannot identify when they are full which is not uncommon in overweight people. Were you taught to always clear your plate as a child? I know a lot of people who were, also have trouble knowing when to stop eating. Contrary to a lot of overweight people I was a healthy weight right up until i left home at 18 mostly cos I was eating what my Dad gave me, we always had crisps, chocolate and sweets in the house and i wasn't told not to eat them but I was aware of the importance of moderation. You need to re-teach yourself and learn the signs of your body telling you it's full. By gradually reducing the amount of food you eat at meals and cutting out snacks you can naturally reduce your appetite. Seeing a GP if you really can't stop feeling hungry cos there maybe a medical issue.

I do sympathise. I firmly believe my mother also completely fucked up my attitude to food and diet. Not in the same way as yours but still. But although that is not your fault how you deal with it in adulthood is your responsibility. Most parents are only trying their best. And if she was brought up the same it’s what she knows

It is so easy to blame parents. Given the way you ate there is no way they could have stopped you. If they hid food you would have found it. If they stopped your pocket money you might have stolen food. I speak from me and my friends experiences of binge eating. It is grim. If you still have problems with food you need to seek help. Your GP is your first port of call.

It's not as simple as "they should have stopped you and everything would be fine how if they had" thats not how it works. My parents restricted my food and made me feel guilt and shame about being "greedy". This just causes different problems. All you can do now is try to untangle food from emotions and move forward.

OP, were there other issues?

Why were you in your room on your own for so long? Did you have friends and go out playing etc?

Were your parents distracted by other problems, or recognising any problems you were having do allowing you to comfort eat, for example?

I feel so sad for the little girl that was you.

In your shoes I think I would consider counselling / therapy. Partly to look at what happened, but mostly how you can now be the adult for yourself and look after yourself now.

I wish you well.

Your parents were clearly not doing their jobs, but at the same time it sounds like you had very disordered eating, perhaps some sort of medical problem that made you overeat to that extent. I had fairly free access to sweets and chocolate as a child, yet I was very good at self-limiting. Every year, my mum would moan because my sister and I would get about 10 large easter eggs at Easter (10-15cm tall hollow chocolate eggs), and - with free access to them any time we pleased - half of them would still be sitting around 2-3 months later, because we simply had no natural inclination to gorge ourselves. So I do think perhaps there was some other issue going on that made you gorge yourself to that extent, and perhaps your parents didn't know how to deal with it, or didn't know how to recognise it for what it was.

I do sympathise. There is tons of research now about how being obese as a child can impact your health and weight in adult life, and make it much harder to eat normally as an adult.

What did your parents eat? Were they overweight too? Did the people around you (friends, extended family) eat unhealthily too? Often, parents are doing what they think is best, or the only thing they know...

Whats your point? Everyone has something from their childhood that they regret, wish they could change etc.

No-one forced the food in your mouth.

But your an adult now and in control of your life so can change it.

I agree @BangersAndGnash you should get counselling to explore what drove you to binge eat as a child, it could be the same triggers today.

@ThisPearlOP

“I also watched TV non stop I was either at school or watching TV or playing nintendo DS and that WAS unhealthy i am sure because I would rage when I lost at games and stuff I remember having to fix it with tape because I smashed it up so bad when I got so aggressive during games I also had a ps2 that was already kinda old back then and I would throw the controllers I would yell and scream at everyone and I cannot believe I was like this I remember ripping my bed sheets and everything to shreds in a rage and that was 100% over some game no idea what!!!!“

this seems an unusual and extreme response OP, what do you think was going on there?

I don’t blame you OP, I don’t agree with the whole “but now it’s everything in your hands”.

I had the opposite problem, overweight and put into diets since early childhood. Result? Never been a healthy weight in my life (besides a few months on the way down to an anorexic parenthesis in my 16).

Parenting has a HUGE impact on the relationship with food an it’s NOT an easy fix at all.

So what's your plan now?
What are you going to do to develop better habits?

OP, this could be an answer for you.
Symptom so Prader-Willi syndrome.....
...excessive appetite and overeating... emotional outburst and physical aggression
Got it off the NHS website.

I was parented like this and barely ate, was always really underweight and lived mostly off sugar. I still struggle with disordered eating now. I just often don’t feel hungry or forget to eat due to my adhd. Being on a schedule and eating for health, not calories etc has been most helpful for me but also taking ownership that I am fully in charge.

I have a family member whose child eats non stop and is really, really overweight as a 5yr old because she can eat anything she wants and their house is filled with crappy snacks. Mine was filled with crap food too but I just didn’t eat non stop. It makes me wonder if anything medically is going on or emotionally for a child to eat to that extreme. It’s also really touchy because if they had put restrictions on you, made you feel and about weight gain etc that would have led to issues also. It’s very touchy.

Even in my fifties, I have never shaken of my mums influence of ' treats' being food that is bad for me.

I have over the years explained on visits to her, that I am trying to eat healthier or lose weight..she may even comment that I have put on weight, but a sentence later it will be ' do you want a cup of tea and a bun' or ' there's that cake to eat up'.

She gets very offended when I say no, and even acts like like I am being pompous or ' above my station' sometimes for declining constant sweet stuff.

Sounds like your parents did there best, they are not perfect but only human. These days your parents might be able to get help, such as a counselling to combat your behaviour around food, that may have not been available back then.

@ThisPearlOP doesn't say if she has food issues now whether she's under weight or over weight. So I'm loathe to advise.

I understand how you feel.
I was born in 1951, and it appears that fat babies were considered healthy after the shortages caused by the second world war.
As a result of this, when rationing ended in 1952 I think it was, we went a bit mad.
I'm 5 ft 3 and weigh 10 stone which feels too much for me, but it's so hard not to clear my plate as we were taught to do.
I love my food but wish I could just eat smaller portions.
I think of food in terms of comfort, reward, being happy, my Mum's home baking.
It's not as simple as eating less.

I agree. People are really downplaying the influence of parenting imo. It "programmes" you for life. You can fight against it, obviously, as hopefully the OP is doing, but the reality is that it's an uphill struggle compared to your peers who reach 18 a healthy weight.

That's not to absolve the OP of personal responsibility, more to point out that the struggle for her is 10 times harder than if she'd entered adulthood in good health. It's a cop-out saying "we're all responsible for ourselves". We are, but we all face different challenges and some of us, due to a poor upbringing, face really quite difficult ones.