TW I am angry at my parents for letting me get into so many bad habits 😭

[ThisPearlOP]

title, I have no clue if this is an ok thought to have but I need to write this down also SRY because maybe vent ahead because I cannot stop thinking about it I am literally getting flash backs as me sitting on my carpet in my room eating one bowl after the other or something like what felt like a mountain of food or watching TV for what must have been 15 hours straight on the weekends oh my god...I know this is where it happened and that I ruined my life!!! I wish someone would have told my younger self that you cannot just eat according to appetite and that you cannot act like this all day!!!

I would eat entire packets of oats or a loaf of bread THE WHOLE THING like really the entire sleeve of toast and 2-3 packs of cheese and sausage and so on and then take another 2-4 sandwiches wich me for lunch and start eating them on the way to school etc so I would prob eat twice my TDEE in 1 hour after waking up...!!!

I remember out-eating several adults AS A KID. Multiple grown people. I would eat my meal, another serving or two, everyone's leftovers, and be like meh. what are we having next? That is completely ridiculous and insane and everyone cutesy ignored it or was laughing about how I have a big appetite and whatnot!!!!

I also watched TV non stop I was either at school or watching TV or playing nintendo DS and that WAS unhealthy i am sure because I would rage when I lost at games and stuff I remember having to fix it with tape because I smashed it up so bad when I got so aggressive during games I also had a ps2 that was already kinda old back then and I would throw the controllers I would yell and scream at everyone and I cannot believe I was like this I remember ripping my bed sheets and everything to shreds in a rage and that was 100% over some game no idea what!!!!

Also one time there was some event similar to halloween and I was gifted a whole bag worth of candy plus my shirt as bag so it was A LOT and I carried all of it towards my room and my mom yelled after me watch out you will get sick because she KNEW I was running off to go sit and EAT all of that at once!!!!

WHY WHY did she not stop me of course I would have cried and whatever if she took my sweets away but now as adult I very seriously wish she would have been like no way you cannot eat 2 kilo of candy and I swear it was that much I remember just one part of the little mountain of sweets that I had on my carpet was a whole a 500g bag of schoko bons (a popular candy in Germany) and that is absurd I must have eaten 10k calories as a kid on a random evening I could CRY just thinking about it!!!!

HOW HOW HOW did no one notice that this is so far away from what anyone would consider normal and that I would mess up my LIFE!!!

THE THING is though that my parents were both nice I had the freedom in the world I never got punished they were never mean they bought me everything I wanted so how can I be angry at the it makes no sense I am such a terrible kid when I you think about it!!! But then again I WISH I would have grown up in a way that might have been more restrictive but maybe I would be healthier now!!! 😭 How can I just forget that and move on or can anyone relate why I think this way now??? Believe me I am so ashamed of this already!!!!

just FYI I am 22 now I live alone and I have a really peaceful job but my biggest concern literally is losing weight and mental health now I am not morbidly obese but I am over weight and it just ruins my confidence!!! It is also so dumb that I am not "fat enough" for a glp medication plus with all the health anxiety that I have anyway there is no WAY I will go to someone over this I will take care of it myself.

Also this is kind of embarassing and shameful like not here obviously but in person I would not just tell this to people I feel like once someone knows that I have these huge self control problems they can manipulate me too easily or provoke me etc I know this bs from school and I am actually really lucky for my job because it is a small company and I can be creative with my work I fear most establishment type organizations would be just overwhelming for me

It sounds like you've got your head screwed on, despite how life started off for you. You have self-awareness, and that's crucial to dealing with the overeating and self-control.

Have you tried chatGPT? Obviously I wouldn't recommend this to replace real CBT or therapy, but at least you'd know that it's not a person who's judging you or trying to manipulate you. Some people find it really helpful to talk through personal issues like self-control and self-regulation that they are not ready to discuss with another person.

Good luck with your personal journey.

I guessed you were probably still very young. The reason I asked about your weight as a child was to try and gauge whether your perspective is skewed.

You’ve said:

”me sitting on my carpet in my room eating one bowl after the other or something like what felt like a mountain of food or watching TV for what must have been 15 hours straight on the weekends”

”I would eat entire packets of oats or a loaf of bread THE WHOLE THING like really the entire sleeve of toast and 2-3 packs of cheese and sausage and so on and then take another 2-4 sandwiches wich me for lunch and start eating them on the way to school etc so I would prob eat twice my TDEE in 1 hour after waking up...!!!”

”I remember out-eating several adults AS A KID. Multiple grown people. I would eat my meal, another serving or two, everyone's leftovers, and be like meh. what are we having next? That is completely ridiculous and insane and everyone cutesy ignored it or was laughing about how I have a big appetite and whatnot!!!!”

”I was gifted a whole bag worth of candy plus my shirt as bag so it was A LOT and I carried all of it towards my room and my mom yelled after me watch out you will get sick because she KNEW I was running off to go sit and EAT all of that at once!!!!”

”I must have eaten 10k calories as a kid on a random evening”

You've also said you were very inactive, being left to watch TV for 15 hours straight.

If you were eating these quantities of food all of the time - and in your post you do say it was all the time - you’d have been absolutely huge as a child. Severely morbidly obese.

I’m not suggesting that the nutrition was ideal or healthy but based on the facts, I don’t think your recollection is wholly accurate. And that can be helpful to know in addressing your current eating habits. Recognising that you couldn’t possibly have eaten like that all of the time but that you’ve hung on to memories of times where you did over-indulge is interesting. I think a good therapist could explore that with you.

It’s also worth mentioning that when kids go through a growth spurt they do need a lot more food. So there may have been times where you were eating as much/more than an adult because your body was doing the hard work of growing.

Your description of smashing things up as a child, the quite intense blame you’re putting now on your parents, and the fixation of how much food you were given - which on scrutiny, doesn’t sound plausible, at least not consistently as you describe - I really do think therapy will help you a lot. It could help you address your current food issues as well as the festering resentment, plus the anger issues you’ve carried since childhood.

I hope you manage to figure things out. I’ve found just being more active and mobile helps you control cravings and motivates me to be more healthy. Just start with a daily walk.

All the best 💐

You have an external locus of control. Blame someone else. It’s easier isn’t it? You’re an adult. I lived in an abusive alcoholic household but I’m not an abusive alcoholic. I take responsibility for what I do and how I do it because I’m an adult.

You have access to a whole host of research and studies that show genetics, childhood experiences etc etc have an impact on our entire lives. It is absolutely right and good to reflect on things, this does not stop OP from taking responsibility now. It is okay to say that the habits set up in your childhood hinder you into adulthood, that doesn't mean you stop trying. understanding where you are coming from and help you get to where you need to go.

The OP has not said her parents eat shitloads and and have tantrums - quite the opposite - so pointing out you were raised by people behaving in a certain way but you behave differently is not relevant. Indulgence and neglect are different kinds of suboptimal parenting. That said, OP, you are now in a position to take responsibility for your choice not to seek professional help. You are 22-25 (depending on what thread) and you have listed health anxiety and paranoia as the reasons for not speaking to a therapist. You are aware of these issues and so you must face the fact that you are choosing to rely on them as an excuse not to seek help and to stay stuck with what you know. ChatGPT and mumsnet is not the right path for you. I wish you luck.