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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid got engaged on my wedding day...

632 replies

Doghouse1g1 · 23/06/2025 11:40

Girls I really need some advice..
I had to cancel my wedding 4 months ago due to my partner cheating with numerous women.
My wedding should have been Saturday just gone in Italy. Some of the wedding party decided to go ahead with the weekend anyway as it was all booked and paid for (flights, air bnbs etc) which I was fine with as they has paid a big expense to attend.
My best friend (and bridesmaid) was one of these guests and she contacted me via Facetime yesterday to tell me her boyfriend proposed on Saturday (which should have been my wedding day) on the beach in Italy 🙈
I was absolutely gobsmacked and replied saying I was pleased for her but I needed time to process the news and ended the call.
I am happy for her but I do feel it's totally insensitive and I'm in total shock. How do I move past this?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/06/2025 12:23

It's a shame you had a rough time. But it became a holiday. And it wasn't really your wedding day. and you weren't there anyway.

Tartanboots · 23/06/2025 12:23

She was very tactless but you shouldn't have ended the call like that, don't guilt trip her for being happy. It wasn't your wedding day in the end, and everyone had to go ahead with the travel anyway. I bet they were annoyed about it? They have every right to make the best of it. But should have been a bit more discreet.

BunnyLake · 23/06/2025 12:23

itsanothernamechangeone · 23/06/2025 11:50

I think she should have waited a day to FaceTime you. You didn’t need to know on Saturday.

but overall you are unreasonable. She can’t help getting proposed to in a beautiful place.

It was Sunday. If she hadn’t said anything someone else would have. I do think a text or email before FaceTime would have given OP a bit of time to process more privately though.

housebound34 · 23/06/2025 12:25

I haven’t read the full thread but the first few posters have clearly had an empathy bypass at some point.
Of all the places and all the times, they chose what should have been your wedding day and your wedding venue to get engaged. Of course she shouldn’t have turned it down but they should completely realise how insensitive and inappropriate this is. It’s just a pisstake to be frank. And all of the ‘too cool to care’ unbothered posters on this thread are ridiculous.
Op has not only had to deal with cancelling a wedding and a cheating partner, plus all of the stress and heartbreak that goes with it. She’s now expected to be happy that her best friend has got engaged on what should have been her wedding day.

aCatCalledFawkes · 23/06/2025 12:25

The real shit in this is your ex who has made what would of been a really special day in to a painful one.

I don't think there being unreasonable, perhaps a bit insensitive but these sounds like good friends who were willing to travel to Italy for you. What you probably need to do is have some counselling to talk this through and process what would of been a tough few months.

Fannyannie · 23/06/2025 12:25

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GCAcademic · 23/06/2025 12:26

Interesting to see some more empathetic replies now, compared to the ealier ones. Just confirms my suspicion that there are people who hover eagerly with their fingers poised on the AIBU board, ready to deliver a good kicking.

Neemie · 23/06/2025 12:26

I think she could have been kinder and more sensitive about it but she obviously wanted to tell you her exciting news. The only person who truly deserves your anger is your ex. Fortunately you escaped him before the actual wedding, but don’t let his behaviour impact on your life even more by upsetting your friendships.

YourGreyCat · 23/06/2025 12:26

Yeah I think her bf is the ones who's insensitive cos he's the one who proposed but yeah I do think it's insensitive to propose of the day you were going to get married.

She hasn't done anything wrong really because she didn't initiate it and it would be unreasonable for her to decline or even let it cause drama because being proposed to is a special moment and often a once in a lifetime thing so it's fair enough she would also just want to enjoy that special time.

I think if it was me I would be a bit disappointed that my boyfriend proposed to me on that day because I would be aware of how that would make my friend feel and I would feel awkward about it.

But my main feeling would be happy to have been proposed to and I wouldn't want anything to ruin it so I'd let it go that my boyfriend had been insensitive and bring it up with my friend and say that I think the timing was insensitive and wouldn't have chosen it that way if I had a choice. Or I might have told a white lie about the day it happened to spare your feelings but imo the whole holiday is not an ideal time for proposal because it's too connected to a hurtful situation for you.

It's an awkward one. Think it's fair enough that you are upset by it but also it isn't your friend's fault. I think a good friend would have acknowledged your feelings when telling you but it is a bit of a complicated one and being sensitive isn't some people's strong point.

cheercaptain · 23/06/2025 12:26

What you're feeling is completely valid — that date was always going to carry weight, and it’s okay to feel emotional about it. I get why your friend’s engagement on that day felt like a shock — and maybe she could have been more sensitive in how she shared it — but I also think she told you because you mean a lot to her. It’s okay to need time to process that. There’s room to feel sad and still be happy for her. And maybe one day, you’ll be able to think of that date not just with pain, but with pride — as the day you protected your future. You didn’t lose something; you saved yourself. Choose to be happy.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 23/06/2025 12:26

I am shocked, SHOCKED, that somebody who wanted a destination wedding would display this level of self-absorption. Shocked I tell you.

CantStopMoving · 23/06/2025 12:27

flibbertigibbetty · 23/06/2025 12:18

She was a bit insensitive to tell you on the weekend that should’ve been your wedding but she didn’t do anything wrong in accepting a proposal that weekend…

i disagree. Her friend would no doubt have out it on socials straight away so I think it would have been crueller that the OP found out that way. I admire her friend for having the guts to call her and let her know

Ontherocksthisyear · 23/06/2025 12:27

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Amen

GiraffesAtThePark · 23/06/2025 12:27

Even on a thread when someone has had to cancel the wedding due to a cheating partner some MNers can’t help but lecture on their hatred for destination weddings.

Sorry OP, I imagine such a day would be upsetting. No one did anything wrong though. I’d just congratulate your friend and try to move on.

BananaPuddingCream · 23/06/2025 12:28

GCAcademic · 23/06/2025 12:26

Interesting to see some more empathetic replies now, compared to the ealier ones. Just confirms my suspicion that there are people who hover eagerly with their fingers poised on the AIBU board, ready to deliver a good kicking.

yes! OP is not the weird poster, it’s actually all the people that clearly get a kick out of being awful. They have nothing better to do, clearly.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 23/06/2025 12:28

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Wow.

SleepyLemur · 23/06/2025 12:28

I am sorry OP, I see why you feel like that, but let it go for the sake of your friendship. The boyfriend just cluelessly took advantage of a romantic location to propose. Yes he ideally would have done it another day, but probably didn't think of it. Your friend obviously probably wouldn't have picked that day, but couldn't help that her boyfriend did. The only person who has been insensitive really is your ex. I hope you take the time you need to heal and come back even stronger without him, but with the support of your friends.

ConstitutionHill · 23/06/2025 12:28

As others have said, her BF probably didn't think about it. So sorry that your ex turned out to be a sleaze but good on your for having the guts to call it off.

Growlybear83 · 23/06/2025 12:29

Why on earth is this a problem? Surely you should be happy for your friend? You said that she was insensitive but I think you’re the one who has been extremely insensitive from the way you reacted. When your best friend tells you that they’ve got engaged. What sort of a friend tells her that ‘they are pleased for her but need time to process the news’ and then ends the call? That’s a horrible way to respond.

Tessasanderson · 23/06/2025 12:29

No offence meant but its got absolutely nothing to do with you. What is your friend supposed to do, get her diary out and check it didnt conflict with any of her family, friends, people she knows before accepting.

She had a life moment which had zero to do with you. Either be a good friend and congratulate her or you may be left wondering why she is no longer your friend.

BananaPuddingCream · 23/06/2025 12:29

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 23/06/2025 12:26

I am shocked, SHOCKED, that somebody who wanted a destination wedding would display this level of self-absorption. Shocked I tell you.

🙄

CantStopMoving · 23/06/2025 12:30

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It isn’t her friend’s fault though . Her friend didn’t initiate the proposal. I don’t know why the friend is insensitive? What was she supposed to do? And the OP was going to find out from others pretty quickly and I’m sure she’d be upset if the friend hadn’t called her to give her a heads up. I think the friend was in a really awkward position. It doesn’t negate that the OP has the right to feel a bit personally upset though but just not at her friend.

Jujujudo · 23/06/2025 12:30

I totally understand you being upset. That day will always be the day you should have got married on. And you’ve been let down and hurt and it all sucks. However, they all went ahead with the holiday and she got engaged. It’s possible she didn’t pay attention to the date, or she didn’t think it mattered. Nobody can truly know how you’re feeling and although one would expect more sensitivity from her, having expectations just leads to more disappointment.
In any case I honestly don’t think it was deliberate. Feel shitty, have a vodka, then be happy for her.

Kreepture · 23/06/2025 12:31

all the 'posters have had an empathy bypass' posters.

It isn't about having an empathy bypass, its getting the OP to give her head a wobble.

the ONLY way she is going to get past this is literally to get over it and realise it wasn't her wedding day, that isn't her bridesmaid and she isn't responsible for her BF choosing that day to propose.

What is the point in mollycoddling someone when they're really being unreasonable.

I'm not unsympathetic, i know the OPs feelings were hurt, but sometimes you have to be blunt to make a person realise they're being ridiculous and it isn't about them.

Nn9011 · 23/06/2025 12:31

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Exactly! Couldn't believe it when I saw some of the first responses. Some people truly live on a different planet.
Ps hope you're ok ❤️