Bridesmaid got engaged on my wedding day...

[Doghouse1g1]

Girls I really need some advice..
I had to cancel my wedding 4 months ago due to my partner cheating with numerous women.
My wedding should have been Saturday just gone in Italy. Some of the wedding party decided to go ahead with the weekend anyway as it was all booked and paid for (flights, air bnbs etc) which I was fine with as they has paid a big expense to attend.
My best friend (and bridesmaid) was one of these guests and she contacted me via Facetime yesterday to tell me her boyfriend proposed on Saturday (which should have been my wedding day) on the beach in Italy 🙈
I was absolutely gobsmacked and replied saying I was pleased for her but I needed time to process the news and ended the call.
I am happy for her but I do feel it's totally insensitive and I'm in total shock. How do I move past this?

Yeah but this wouldn't have entered the fiances mind. Likely he was told 4 months ago that wedding they were goin to later in the year was cancelled but they'll instead turn it into a holiday.

What is a devstating day for OP won't even feature in fiances mind. People suggesting he is being insensitive is a bit silly because he shouldn't be expected to keep that information in the forefront of his mind 4 months on.

As others have suggested he likely saw an opportunity and took it. OP's right to be upset but that doesn't mean others are in the wrong. The OP is the centre of her universe not the centre of other poeple's. Again just an unfortunate case of life sucks sometimes.

I voted YABU simply because i think the whole dynamic of the holiday has obviously changed. Maybe the BF should have picked another date and location but i suppose he saw the opportunity and took it. Id like to think It wasnt personal.

I do feel for you though. I suppose its like finding out your best friend is pregnant when you've had a pregnancy loss. Its not their fault but of course it hurts x.

I'm shocked, SHOCKED, that someone on MN would be such an unempathetic keyboard warrior, who displays levels of bitterness at their own life. SHOCKED

You're being strange

Where did OP say it was a destination wedding? Either the ex or her own family could be from Italy.

I don't think she was insensitive and certainly not deliberately so. People you know will be getting engaged and married, that's life. No doubt you will too in time. You'll get over this. x

No but as I mentioned in my comment, he could have picked another day that wasn't meant to be her actual flipping wedding date!
I didn't say it but tbh I think it's a really shitty thing that they went anyway rather than be with op to support her on what no doubt was a difficult day. BUT I get that many things can't be cancelled so close so fair enough but to do it on the day she was supposed to be married, expect her to be happy for them and to tell her the way they did is so insensitive and callous.

Would you have preferred it if she hadn’t told you and you found out later that all your friends knew about it and were happy for her?

Would you have preferred it if she had chickened out of telling you in person (well, FaceTime) and had just sent you a text?

Would you have preferred it if she had said to her boyfriend "You can’t ask me here! You can’t ask me today! They are sacred to Doghouse!"

I can’t see that she has done anything wrong. I understand you have had a rough time but I’m afraid you need to swallow your feelings, be glad for her and congratulate her properly.

Do you think the friend organised for the proposal on that day, if so that is bad form or do you think she was taken by surprise?

Was she gushing and squealing down the phone in her excitement to tell you her news? If so YADNBU.

Or was is more of a "Doghouse, I wanted to tell you before you heard it from someone else. BF proposed to me while we were away and I accepted." I which case it is completely understandable that it's really hard for you, but it would be wrong to take out your hurt in your friend.

1000% this.

I can't understand the news being a shock and promoting "it should be me" type feelings but I can't see any enduring reaction other than that's great and at least it turned out to be a lovely trip for them.

I would be really embarrassed to have asked my friends to commit all that time and money for something that didn't happen, even if the cancellation was beyond me control.

I'm not a fan of destination weddings for reasons like this, but either way, I still think OP is being very self centred to think things should have been done differently because of her cancelled wedding.

It's probably their one holiday this year, and presumably to a romantic location. If friend hadn't told OP and she'd heard it from someone else, or had just dropped a text, that would be wrong too.

How do I move past this?

By being bloody glad. You planned a destination wedding. That meant enormous expense for your wedding party. Then no wedding, so they were left high and dry having (I presume non-refundable) flights and accommodation. To try and salvage the situation somewhat they decided to re-purpose it for a holiday. So, on a day that was not your wedding day, one of them got engaged. I’d be delighted that something good came out of the expense they were forced to go to for the initial destination aspect, and it would make me feel better about that aspect. Maybe move past it by trying to reframe it this way.

It was no longer your wedding to them it was a holiday. He proposed to her on the beach while they were on holiday they paid for.

Thank you I’m fine, was an elderly relative who is fine. 🫶🏻

Note to self don’t read Mumsnet when tired!

Ok but you know that has got nothing to do with her friend though right? She had nothing to do with the date he picked so a bit mean to hold it against her. Be miffed with the boyfriend fine but not the mate

Sorry about the replies OP. Some people on AIBU do seem to struggle with empathy.

I think your friend's boyfriend was a twat here. It was insensitive to propose in your wedding location and completely thoughtless to do it on the planned day of your wedding.

Once done I think your friend was a but trapped by this, it would be harsh to turn him down but hard to tell you.. and it would be awful for you to find out via social media.

Fuck me. Somebody gives up annual leave and a huge amount of money to go on a foreign holiday dictated by their friend. A holiday which most likely will be their only one that year. Then they're shitty for not cancelling it to console the friend who received the devastating news 4 months prior.

If that is a view you truly hold then I'm sorry but you have a very entitlist attitude!

It's insensitive, yes. You will move past this if you apologise for your reponse, reiterate that you are genuinely happy for her, and explain why you felt blindsided and she then responds in turn with an apology for having got swept up in the moment and having been thoughtless about how this would land with you. Because it was utterly thoughtless.

When I read the title of your post I thought that the bridesmaid had announced her engagement halfway through the speeches or before the first dance.
Maybe a wee bit insensitive on the boyfriends part , but it wasn’t your wedding day. He probably saw a romantic opportunity to propose on an Italian beach and went for it.
Not the fault of your bridesmaid.
Sorry your wedding had to be cancelled.

I'd be absolutely delighted that at least something positive has come out of the whole debacle, and be genuinely pleased for her.

I swear there’s users here that comment on the sole purpose of tearing people down.

I don’t think you’re being weird at all. Yes, it wasn’t your wedding day anymore but due to pretty traumatic reasons it will always be a date you’ll remember.

I can understand why they used the trip to propose anyways as it was paid for, but it was insensitive on their part. Your reaction wasn’t “weird”, just like them using the date wasn’t completely wrong either.

I mean she still called her and expected her to be happy on facetime. Has no one in this thread heard of empathy?
Imagine it wasn't a wedding, imagine this was op supposed to be giving birth and then being told her friend was pregnant the day she was supposed to give birth but had experienced a miscarriage, obviously the friend couldn't control when she got pregnant but she could control when she told op and how.
Obviously a very different situation but the expectation of OP to suck up her grief and lack of accountability on the friend is still very much the same.

I know this is a sensitive date for you, but it’s not for anyone else. It sucks that your ex fiance cheated on you but unfortunately you don’t get to ringfence a date 4 months in the future. The initial shock of your ex fiance is long past for the rest of your friends, and to them, this will have simply been a holiday. Presumably your friend’s boyfriend is less well known to you? He probably didn’t even put two and two together and may just have thought it was a nice opportunity to make a romantic proposal. Lick your wounds for a bit and then move on. There’s nothing to be gained by making a drama out of this. I’m sorry your ex cheated on you. 😞

My gut instinct is that as a best friend, she was very insensitive to make that call and could have told on any other day that wasnt your “wedding day”. I wouldnt have dreamt of doing that to my best mate.

However, much may depend on how you have been handling your engagement break up. Have you handled it well, appear to be moving on? It may seem to the outside world that you’re in a good place and could handle that news on that day from that location (even if inside you are not)?

How do you move on? You let her know you found it hard to hear the news because the date and location brought up complex feelings that you were unprepared for but that you are happy for her and excited about her wedding.