DH takes the best of everything

[Floranan]

It really p me off, he always gets in first with food / drink takes the best for himself always. Buy doughnuts leave them on the side, he doesn’t think “ oh she loves the apple one or DGD loves the pink one so I’ll leave them and have the chocolate one” oh no if the apple of pink one looks best he takes it. I know that’s a silly example but you get the idea.

today I served dinner. On a Sunday we always eat as a family at the table and I put the food out in serving bowls. I think I should do a diagram people are going to ask for a diagram. Anyway I sit at the end so I can easily get things and DH one side and dd (adult) sits opposite. DH and DD are very close have the same interests and can talk for hours. I don’t normally mind but today I lost it.

I put the chicken in the middle of the table the potatoes my side of the meat the veg the other, forget the gravy go back to kitchen to get, via back door to let dog in. Get to table and they have served themselves. dd normal size meal fine, DH his plate is over flowing all the breast gone leaving just 1 drum stick and the wings and thighs, I only eat the breast or a little thigh I wouldn’t mind but it was 1.9 kg chicken !. DD passed me some thigh meat, I took some spuds and asked for veg, then asked again, then asked for wine they had wine where was mine. Normally I would make a fuss insist I’m passed stuff but today I just couldn’t be bothered, if they couldn’t see I didn’t have any dinner I just couldn’t be bothered. I cleared the plates away, realised the reason I hadn’t been offered veg was because the pig had but the most of it on his plate only to leave what would have been mine because he was full.

i left them to clear the kitchen (they always do if I cook) though I normally stay and help,

I just feel un important, not noticed, at one time he would have made sure I had the best he would see a lovely slice of meat and put it on my plate. When did that stop ? I missed it happening. I know now and for some time, I seem unimportant to him . I’m in bed with a glass of wine and some spicy tangy wotsits watching call the midwife.

You say he " always" gets in first and takes the best.

So he has always been a greedy selfish ignorant person OP throughout your relationship?

I dont understand why you didn't end things with him as soon as you saw what he was like because there is no way I would want to live with some one who was a Me Me Me person.

I certainly wouldn't marry them because he obviously doesn't care a damn about you or your welfare.

OP states in her OP that he did used to care.

I remember at secondary school a friend saying her dad always gave the best food to others and I said mine did too. I now do the same with my dds (widow) People notice this and unfortunately your dd will remember her dad doing the opposite

Love this. And if he never gets the message (because how long do you leave it and should you have to teach a grown man to be considerate of his wife?) at least op has had the best bits for herself.

@Slatterndisgrace

Sorry I missed that - just reread and see it's in the last paragraph.

I'm afraid then he is making it very clear he no longer gives a damn about OP.

OP you could try, for a few weeks, plating up in the kitchen and giving him significantly worse/less than you. I would be explicit about it. Tell him you’re doing it and why. Ask him how it feels to constantly see his spouse think it’s fine to have the best and leave the dregs for him.

Edited to say: actually I don’t think this is great advice, though may be satisfying momentarily. You are in a rut with him and he probably feels it too. I doubt this is the only area that doesn’t satisfy. Consider marriage counseling, with a view to seeing if you can get the spark back or find a way to live together that feels worthwhile for both of you.

Omg it is rarely I'm gobsmacked on here. That's awful. He is a very selfish man. I don't know how you tolerate him. 💐
I can't tolerate greedy selfish people.

As a side note, spicy wotsits are the best thing ever.

My husband always asks if I want something first and we do the same for our toddlers. I’d have blown up over this a long time ago and you need to stop tolerating it immediately.

Say as I cooked I get first dibs and plate for yourself first, then invite daughter to. Take your donut first. Open the wine for yourself first etc.

If I buy something in my house I don’t wait for a greedy pig of a man to help himself first and if he did I’d be furious and make it known.

OP, I feel for you. My DH is extremely selfish when it comes to food. When I first met him, he used to complain about his stepmother, saying how she used to hide food from him when he came to visit. Made her out to be some demon. It didn't take long for me to understand why she did this. My daughter and I have to hide any good snacks from him, because we know if left within sight he will just eat it all without leaving anything for anyone else or considering the fact that I am the one who went to the store and bought it.

He used to do what yours did with dinners. Once I spoke up enough, he went from helping himself to serving himself last, and it became the new norm that has worked out quite nicely for years. Something else I do is load up the leftovers that I want to save straight away, because if I don't, he will go and refill his plate leaving nothing for the next day as I might have planned.

My DH has food issues, as this behavior doesn't extend past this. He will give me the upgrade on a flight, for example. But if I were to ask for a bite of his dessert in a restaurant, he'd literally twitch. He's even been known to tell DD when she was little that the dessert was his and she couldn't have a bite!

You should definitely directly call out your DH in the moment for his complete lack of thoughtfulness or consideration. I'd also make some changes to how you serve dinner.

Goodness why didn’t you point out to him there and then?? He is obviously oblivious so you need to say something AT THE TIME HE DOES IT. I’d have no problem saying ‘oy where’s my serving of veg’ and ‘who took all the breast’? But agree moving forward plate the food up before then people can help themselves if they want seconds.

Stop cooking for him as he’s so selfish.

Washing up is not the same as cooking.

Christ, well not only is he grossly selfish, he doesn’t give a shit about you and your daughter knowing it…!

As others have said, you need to be much more assertive. I would loudly and pointedly describe what had happened if somebody did this, basically to shame them into thinking twice next time.

At a cafe today with the kids, the waitress brought out the kid’s meals and one adult meal. My DH took the adult meal and started tucking in. I raised an eyebrow and started commenting that chivalry was dead etc. When he realised what I was chatting about he was mortified - he hadn’t realised I had ordered myself the same dish as him, so he had assumed I was waiting on something else. We both had a good laugh/ I teased him about it, because even that level of selfishness - to just take the first dish to arrive and start munching without offering it to the other person - was frankly absurd to us. You need to think about the examples you’re setting for your daughter. He’s unbelievably selfish and rude, and you’re a doormat!

Yeah, OP says DD and DH are very close, I get the feeling it’s not just about the food - feeling unimportant.

I think it's actually worse than you say, OP: he doesn't just take the best food (which would be terrible enough), but he actually takes almost ALL of it.

We used to (note 'used to') have friends at uni who would regularly do this when a group of us ate together: there would be a huge serving bowl with a meaty version and another with the veggie version - with usually 10-12 of us eating and 4 of them vegetarian.

There was plenty of food for nobody to go away hungry at all, but they would dig right in and help themselves - two of them - to about 90% of one of the dishes, that was meant to serve 6. They would also take the vegetarian dish if they thought it looked nicer (they weren't vegetarian; they were usually avid meat eaters) and take 90% of that one, leaving 4 veggies with less than one person's food between them.

I would love to know the mindset - and the upbringing - that would cause people to just decide that they should have all/most of the food and leave others with virtually nothing - especially when they were the one to cook it all. How would you not feel mortified?

Unfortunately, this is fully emblematic of his feelings for you. It might sound frivolous in isolation (and when minimised); but it's very, very telling indeed. If I were you, I would sit him down and ask him outright why he thinks he should have your food as well as his own, and leave you with virtually none. At least, you will know where you stand, then; and he won't be able to hide or laugh it off as a 'little quirk' of his or claim that he hasn't realised.

I haven't eaten meat in 37 years. But surely if it's a toast you can slice the breast meat off, not just remove a whole breast?

but anyway, I think pro ok d ed are figuring in this one meal when it's a much bigger issue.

@Floranan try hard to think back to when his attitude changed. Is he retired? Was it then??

i hkk ok nestle ding know what the answer is because you could 'fi' lots of things practically, but it's his attitude that is awful & I don't know you can change that. I suppose the only thing to do is decide if you are going to put up with it or if you'd be happier in your own. It's shit, sorry xx

Exactly!!

What? Like... DH I want you to notice me & care about me l ink d you used to.

it's not about one dinner!

I don’t normally mind but today I lost it.

But you didn’t lose it at all OP. You said nothing, did nothing out of the ordinary at all and went to bed. You put up with it. They were both none the wiser.

I think the suggestions to plate up in the kitchen doesn’t solve the problem at all.
He is not only greedy, but, in my opinion, doesn’t recognise you as an equal any more. You are the skivvy only deserving of the scraps and it’s that attitude you need to address as well as his piled-high plate.

You need to address this when the evidence of his thoughtless (or maybe deliberate) greed is right there in front of them. Let him pile his plate high with all the best bits leaving you nothing again and then make your point properly and very strongly about his lack of manners, his greed, his lack of common courtesy towards you which yet again, leaves you demeaned and feeling less than an equal in the marriage. Have other examples ready to support your feelings and express yourself fully while he looks down at his piled-high-with-the-best-bits plate.
Tell him he needs to come up with his own ideas of how he can become more considerate as a husband and father and that you are ashamed and embarrassed to have had to ask for a scap of decency from him as well as for a scrap of chicken breast -but you are not prepared to keep on being subject to his piggish behaviour.

He's even been known to tell DD when she was little that the dessert was his and she couldn't have a bite!

Wow, that's the kind of thing I say jokingly to my (no longer a toddler) DS, when he has his eye on a treat that he knows I most probably bought with him in mind - before giving him all of it! It would be rather a hollow, nasty thing to say that it's all yours and they can't have any at all, and actually mean it in all seriousness.

Yes, it seems kind of pointless to only address the symptom and ignore the cause.

You're not a student in shared digs - having to label your own milk or stashing a couple of toilet rolls in your own room, to stop your housemates from taking all of it... if you feel you have to hide food from your own spouse and family, for fear of them ignoring your needs and wants and taking the lot for themselves, it really does sound like Game Over for any love that you had (or believed you had) for each other.

Yes, time for a conversation about how you're treated in your own home and how you're feeling neglected. It hurts that you have to draw his attention to it, but at least then you'll have given him a chance to improve and can plan your future (with or without him) accordingly.

On a more practical note, I'd also implement some changes to guarantee that things were split more fairly, but he first needs to be made aware of why things are changing. This lack of common courtesy can drive a wedge between you and kill any affection you have for your spouse. Deal with it now if you have any hope of salvaging the relationship.

Your DH feels entitled to the best/ every need to be fulfilled.
i don’t necessarily think it’s anything to do with you as such.
however I think you’ve put everyone first over yourself and now it’s taken for granted. Instead of respected.

have a word, take the best and it will probably change. I had very similar happening. It stopped after the CF cut the last bit of cake in to two- except one piece was 3x as big. Grossly uneven. So I just took it and ate it (without saying a word). CF didn’t do it again. He’d also done it with food if he was serving. So I just took the plates back and altered it. It wasn’t personal, it was just his own greed and issues. Well and entitlement.

My husband irrs on the side of gluttany but even he makes sure we all have a decent portion of food before he hoovers up everything left. It is an ugly trait and selfish. I would have removed some chicken from his plate asking why he has served it all when I hadn't had any yet if he'd eaten all the best bits. Its the lack of caring that really hurts.

Damn, you the servant.

You cooked the meal for 2 other people, served, cleared the table, and barely got food to eat. Nice that they let you eat at the table with them.

I'd have a serious sit-down about your husband's greed and being taken for granted by both he and it sounds like your daughter too. You're not their docile servant. You're an equal member of the household.

Plate up the food and have your fork handy in case he tries to take your food off your plate.