DH takes the best of everything

[Floranan]

It really p me off, he always gets in first with food / drink takes the best for himself always. Buy doughnuts leave them on the side, he doesn’t think “ oh she loves the apple one or DGD loves the pink one so I’ll leave them and have the chocolate one” oh no if the apple of pink one looks best he takes it. I know that’s a silly example but you get the idea.

today I served dinner. On a Sunday we always eat as a family at the table and I put the food out in serving bowls. I think I should do a diagram people are going to ask for a diagram. Anyway I sit at the end so I can easily get things and DH one side and dd (adult) sits opposite. DH and DD are very close have the same interests and can talk for hours. I don’t normally mind but today I lost it.

I put the chicken in the middle of the table the potatoes my side of the meat the veg the other, forget the gravy go back to kitchen to get, via back door to let dog in. Get to table and they have served themselves. dd normal size meal fine, DH his plate is over flowing all the breast gone leaving just 1 drum stick and the wings and thighs, I only eat the breast or a little thigh I wouldn’t mind but it was 1.9 kg chicken !. DD passed me some thigh meat, I took some spuds and asked for veg, then asked again, then asked for wine they had wine where was mine. Normally I would make a fuss insist I’m passed stuff but today I just couldn’t be bothered, if they couldn’t see I didn’t have any dinner I just couldn’t be bothered. I cleared the plates away, realised the reason I hadn’t been offered veg was because the pig had but the most of it on his plate only to leave what would have been mine because he was full.

i left them to clear the kitchen (they always do if I cook) though I normally stay and help,

I just feel un important, not noticed, at one time he would have made sure I had the best he would see a lovely slice of meat and put it on my plate. When did that stop ? I missed it happening. I know now and for some time, I seem unimportant to him . I’m in bed with a glass of wine and some spicy tangy wotsits watching call the midwife.

Also this.

Why do people think it’s a woman’s job to housetrain an adult man? Or that his lack of housetraining is his mother’s fault?

Or that his lack of housetraining is his mother’s fault?

Because in a lot of cases it is.

I wouldn't be dancing around his feelings and plating stuff up separately, I would be having a conversation ( years ago by the sound of it) about being a decent person.

We usually end up offering the other one the best bits, with the knowledge that chefs privileges ( picking the smaller best bits prior to serving) are in place.

This is way deeper than him being greedy.

A chicken of that weight is quite large and perfectly sufficient for that number. Breast meat is carved and shared, not allocated to two people then we all get fair shares.

He’s thoughtless. The question is, what have you said to alert him to the fact that he lives in a selfish little bubble where nobody but him matters? If you say nothing, he clearly will continue.

This.

It should last for a week surely? Mumsnetters feed a family of 4 for 50 quid a week at Aldi.

No-that is not the question. The question is why an adult man is not capable of seeing for himself, without assistance from a woman, that there are 3 people eating, and the food has to be divided fairly.

OP hasn’t been back once in 18 pages. Why are so many threads started by people who never return?

I’ve sat back this week and watched, just got on with my own things basically carried on as normal but been quiet . DD picked up after 2 days that I wasn’t happy, we’ve talked and we’re fine. She didn’t really remember the meal in question, it was just dinner. But she says she’s noticed that her dad has become more and more selfish over the last couple of years. Says she doesn’t think he even sees it.

today we had a selection of mini cream cakes from the bakers. He took the choux bun, I pointed out that that was my favourite and I would have thought he would go for the cream slice. He honestly couldn’t see that at one time he would have no more eaten my favourite he would go without first. He didn’t deny it but also couldn’t see why I’m sad about it.

tbh it’s not the food or the wine or the bloody cream cake, or the fact that he never asks me how I am, or what I’m doing. It’s the simple fact that he doesn’t see me anymore, and what makes me more sad is the fact that I can’t be bothered to do anything about it. I do still love him, and I honestly believe he still loves me, it’s just something has gone

It saddens me to think you're going through life and he just doesn't notice you anymore.

It’s the invisibility that disappoints most: he doesn’t see you at all.

OP, you sat back and watched and let him choose and eat the choux bun before pointing out his selfishness ?
Or did you say …...’ hey don’t choose the choux bun as you know that’s my favourite, remember, - it’s always nice to think of others first and at least offer to them, it’s just not you to be selfish and grabby and it makes me sad …we talked about this already remember?’ If you said something like this and had the choux bun yourself, then well done.

You may be sad and disappointed and tired of it all. Yes that can definitely happen. But come on OP, don’t be so defeatist if you both love each other still. It’s worth fighting for surely?
You have to stand up for yourself more in this situation.
Whenever he acts selfishly in any way, point it out and redress the balance. Get your DD on board and between you work on his manners and his grabbiness for the best bits/most bits, as you would with a child.
Give him pause to think and reflect and chance to correct himself instead of letting him think you don’t mind being taken for granted.
Yes it’s more effort and takes diplomacy and time and energy from you when you already feel drained by him, but if you love him, then surely you want to put a bit of fight into it to save your marriage.

You both have work to do on the complacency that has developed in the marriage.
He has to be less selfish and self centred and be more aware of you as an equal partner with feelings to be considered.
You have to be more assertive and fight to be recognised and not let him get away with walking all over your feelings.

Dare to be a bit more feisty and tactfully jolly him along to get the recognition you deserve. Resolve to stop being his doormat.
I know it’s not nice to have to ask to be recognised and loved properly but it’s better than letting him lazily think it’s ok to put no effort into noticing you again.
I hope you can muster some energy into strongly leading the way on this.
Good luck OP.

So you’ve raised something that’s bothering you and he doesn’t agree that it’s hood bother you.

Id say this is dead in the water.

He thinks you should feel how he thinks and if you don’t you’re wrong.

So, make him see you. Find your voice, your presence.

We can all get complacent in relationships and we all need a poke to be reminded at times, otherwise we drift down resentment river, into defeatist death. Yes, it takes energy, but so does feeling overlooked!

Can you take a few days away to reflect and recoup? That might help… then come back renewed with some spunk?!

What’s the alternative??

Good luck!

Talk to him.

I would stop doing these Sunday lunches from now on. Why bother when you’re treated like a doormat. You are not respected and quite rightfully angry at his behaviour. He is a selfish pig.

He doesn’t love you. You can’t love something you don’t see. He might love the life you have together, he might love the family unit you have created. But this man does not love you.

It is so desperately hard, take care of yourself. Whether you decide to push back and start to be seen or something else, you put yourself first- no one else will.

Has he retired? Sad but true - seeing someone too much often turns them into a sock on the radiator - just another fixture in the house.

I often suggest to friends to become less available when this happens. If you can, get out, join some clubs, don't be around all the time.

Stop buying the cakes to share, stop making the Sunday roasts - get out and enjoy yourself ❤️

I've been taken for granted time and time again, and it's the only thing that works.

Next time spend the cake money on flowers for yourself.

Sending love xx

I would go against the advice of picking him up on everything all the time and talking and explaining. This just gives him more attention and shows he is the focus of your world.

There's a chance that your marriage is over, but it may not be.

Is there anywhere you have always wanted to travel to? Book a tour if you can afford it - go alone - even if you hate it, it will open your eyes to how lovely life can be just making decisions for yourself.

You sound like a beautiful caring person, get to know yourself again, get out, let yourself be happy doing stuff for you and you alone.

Don't even look to see if it's working on him - it may or it may not - the point is to focus all that love and attention on yourself so that you can bring your happiness back into your core so that it's not dependent on a man anymore.

Being absent is the only thing men notice. Unfortunately talking, when they have already checked out, just sounds like blah blah blah to them - they just won't listen.

If this doesn't work, I would be the one to ask for a separation or a divorce - being left when you have put your all into a relationship hurts so much more than leaving - you don't deserve more heartache.

Sending love xx

I think it’s time for some hard conversation. Can you tell him how invisible his treatment of you makes you feel? Can you tell how it hurts when he always, always puts himself first? Can you tell him that even DD has noticed his behaviour, and that it’s getting worse? Use the examples you’ve shared with us. Ask him how he would feel if you acted like him - would he be happy?

I suspect he’ll try to laugh this off as trivial, say oh, it’s only a choux bun, why make a fuss! But you need to be able to tell him it’s like death from a thousand cuts. It’s not only making you feel unseen, it’s also very disrespectful.

It doesn’t seem like anything is going to change unless you confront the behaviour. If anything, he’s just going to get worse. You don’t deserve to be treated like this (nor your DC).

Just another selfish twat of a man. He might love you but his caring days seem to have gone now. I’m sorry but I would not be cooking a dinner for them anymore and when he asks why just tell him he’s a greedy selfish pig and your the one doing the cooking and he’s the one eating it all. If you do cook again I would put stuff on my own plate first especially if some of the meat you don’t really like. Normal human beings would always make sure there was enough of everything cooked for others and leave the breast meat as it’s not your preference and the cakes the same put yourself first from now on. Don’t be a martyr he doesn’t give a crap.

Go and pamper yourself hair nails spa go out with some girlfriends or completely on your own shopping or to a museum or to a coffee shop .
Do it on sundays instead of cooking a dinner , stop buying cakes , go and do something completely different I think this is a two way situation.
Maybe it's you who is changing and he needs a kick up the arse to catch up.

It is really simple OP, women give, men take, so stop giving.
I know you are sad but start putting yourself first, stop giving your husband first option and carve out more of the life you want (and are entitled to expect) within your marriage.
What you are prepared to tolerate will continue