DH takes the best of everything

[Floranan]

It really p me off, he always gets in first with food / drink takes the best for himself always. Buy doughnuts leave them on the side, he doesn’t think “ oh she loves the apple one or DGD loves the pink one so I’ll leave them and have the chocolate one” oh no if the apple of pink one looks best he takes it. I know that’s a silly example but you get the idea.

today I served dinner. On a Sunday we always eat as a family at the table and I put the food out in serving bowls. I think I should do a diagram people are going to ask for a diagram. Anyway I sit at the end so I can easily get things and DH one side and dd (adult) sits opposite. DH and DD are very close have the same interests and can talk for hours. I don’t normally mind but today I lost it.

I put the chicken in the middle of the table the potatoes my side of the meat the veg the other, forget the gravy go back to kitchen to get, via back door to let dog in. Get to table and they have served themselves. dd normal size meal fine, DH his plate is over flowing all the breast gone leaving just 1 drum stick and the wings and thighs, I only eat the breast or a little thigh I wouldn’t mind but it was 1.9 kg chicken !. DD passed me some thigh meat, I took some spuds and asked for veg, then asked again, then asked for wine they had wine where was mine. Normally I would make a fuss insist I’m passed stuff but today I just couldn’t be bothered, if they couldn’t see I didn’t have any dinner I just couldn’t be bothered. I cleared the plates away, realised the reason I hadn’t been offered veg was because the pig had but the most of it on his plate only to leave what would have been mine because he was full.

i left them to clear the kitchen (they always do if I cook) though I normally stay and help,

I just feel un important, not noticed, at one time he would have made sure I had the best he would see a lovely slice of meat and put it on my plate. When did that stop ? I missed it happening. I know now and for some time, I seem unimportant to him . I’m in bed with a glass of wine and some spicy tangy wotsits watching call the midwife.

Sounds like your children are older if they’re drinking wine so they and your DH sound very selfish.
However you do need to stand up for yourself, if it happens next meal time you absolutely need to either serve yourself first or if they take all of the breast, say something. And you need to tell your DH you feel that he’s taking you for granted etc. My DH serves up a roast and he knows what bits of meat we like including our kids and try’s to be fair. There are times where he will take something from the cupboards and there be none left and I will say something and vice versa.

This!
I can't stand greedy fuckers.

Yes!!! 🙌

You have a very selfish husband.
Plate food up yourself (fairly) rather than leaving people to help themselves.

I couldn't be with someone like this. It is thoughtless, greedy, and entirely selfish. I grew up with grandparents who quietly gave us the best pieces of fish or meat, and a mother who made sure we were fed, but then might just have a bowl of cereal herself.

I have fairly primitive views I suppose — whoever is in the role of protector is responsible for ensuring others are fed first, fed best, fed most. So any man who considers himself head of his family, parents of either sex, anyone who cares for others. Guests, the youngest, elders, the ill, the more vulnerable, they all take precedence. Only then the strong and fit, with any extra to those who need the fuel for activities which support the family/community.

I'd view DH's behaviour as a small sign of a much larger issue. In a crisis situation, this is someone who would shove you into danger to save themselves. It's a deal-breaker for me.

Even if you don’t do a full plate up, maybe do meat on plates and help self to the rest, or do your own plate first! I do think it would be helpful to point out how you’re feeling, even if it’s obvious you may need to spell it out to him - frustrating I know

I think its really bad manners apart from anything else. You have stood and cooked it and gone off to get gravy and they cannot wait 2 minutes for you to return? And not even pour you a glass of wine. So rude.

It’s not even about the food.

Is he always this way?

Plate up the meals. Plate up what you and your children will have.
That would give the ick- so selfish and so greedy! Who does he think he is!

Honestly - go fucking ballistic at them. This is appalling behaviour and totally selfish - surely it could risk costing him friends if he's lacking this basic social grace, and your children if they are following his example.

I have said to members of my family before 'Please divide the contents of that dish by the people at the table, and take less.'

You won’t change his behaviour, he’s selfish and self centred…. Change yours….
serve your dinner on your plate, take your breast meat and veg etc, then put the rest on the table…. See what happens!

Have you allowed yourself to become unimportant? Maybe you have always let them get on with it and so they have. Next Sunday serve the meat on your plate and tell them to leave you some veg. It’s rude to serve ones self
if the host is not at the table so your DD & DH should have waited .

YANBU to be annoyed.

You're unreasonable that this is clearly not new behaviour, and yet you still put up with it and say nothing?! So presumably your adult daughter has grown up thinking that mum isn't important enough to get the choicest cuts of the food she has prepared, let alone a glass of wine offered to her!

We’ll just take his meal that he’s plated up and say ‘ooh I’m so tired do you mind.’ When there’s not actually enough to serve himself another meal he might get the point.

He's a selfish, greedy pig, call him out and plate meals yourself. If he's so ill mannered and piggish to not leave you anything fit to eat, treat him like the child he is with dinners, doughnuts etc, smack his bloody hand if needed.

Unfortunately with people like your husband you need to really call him out on his selfish behaviour. Personally I would have told him to go and get the gravy. Is he really so useless? If you had cooked the dinner then the least you can get is a proper serving so don't let them serve themselves first. As they are both greedy pigs make sure you either plate up so they cannot wolve it all down themselves or you serve yourself first.

Solidarity OP, solidarity.
Read your post this afternoon and just so happened that after arriving home with my DD I went upstairs and then when going to serve some breaded chicken, (there were 2 pieces,)she had eaten them already.
Meltdown ensued because she can only think 💭 about herself.

He’s hoarding food like there’s scarcity. Sounds like a bad childhood habit. Perhaps ask if he’s ever thought about where that behaviour comes from before asking him to work on it. Remind him that he’s hate you to do that to him.

Why can't the meat be shared so that each person gets some breast meat and some thigh/leg meat?

We had roast chicken for dinner last night and this thread is the only thing I could think of whilst carving it and sharing out the breast. 😂

My ex would do this, it’s one of the reasons he’s an ex.

I clearly remember (it’s over 25 years ago now) buying a cake for us all to share, something that we could rarely affoed, he cut it up into pieces for everyone, and took the biggest bit for himself. I remember being totally disgusted with him, as I come from a family who would never have done this, the biggest bit would always go to someone else. Don’t know why that sticks in my head, as he was a very selfish person in general, and would always have the better car, the expensive watch, if we had any spare money he’d spend it on himself etc. but it’s the cake that I always think of when I remember him. Maybe this is your cake moment op.

wow, just wow.

3 people sitting at a table, you look at the plate of meat/veg/potatoes and take no more than 1/3. If there is then some left you share the second helping around.
We actively taught our kids this when little, to not be greedy when taking food from dishes in the middle of the table. To ask - does any one want any more carrots before finishing them off. So he is behaving like a child who has never been taught table manners and hasn't eaten for a week.

The thing that really stands out in your OP though is that you did not pursue it.
I would have been saying - dh you have taken all the breast meat, put some on my plate please. Where are the veg? Where is my glass of wine?
And if there answer is negative I would have either helped myself from his plate, or picked his plate up and swapped it with mine.
At the very least I would have said - 3 people, share the food 3 ways - why are you being so greedy to take more than your share?
And I would not have let it drop.

So at what point did you challenge him on it?
And if I had cooked a meal and then didn't get a fair share of it, I would have gone ballistic. So rude.

So what conversation did you have? What was said? What was his reply?
And what are you going to do now, because I would be tempeted to stop cooking for him altogether and just cook for adult dd and myself until he gets the message.

@Smailand carve the breast. Very weird to put a whole breast on someone's plate. Carve all the meat, including the leg, then everyone gets a bit of everything.
1.9 kg of chicken between 3 people is not a small amount of food!!

This would really get to me too.. in future plate up your Sunday roast in the kitchen keep it warm while your putting things out on the table walk in with your already filled glass of wine and leave them too it.
Look after you from now on see if he notices that x

I'd have taken his plate and told him he can eat what he thought was suitable for me. If he has a problem with it he can explain why.

This.