GP displaying family photos, children's pictures dedicated to 'daddy' or 'mummy'

[Ilovepastafortea]

I'm lucky in that I've only had 2 miscarriages.

A friend of mine's DIL has now just had her 5th. Friend went to GP with her & was upset to see GP had pictures of their children & pictures obviously done by their children with annotations saying things like 'I love you daddy'.

This is all rather cute & lovely, but my friend thought rather insensitive when her DIL had recently lost a much wanted 5th PG. She also had concerns about women who are seeking fertility treatment - do they really need to be reminded how fertile their GP is?

We had a long discussion: we considered that on the plus side it shows that the GP is a family person with children & the inference is that they understand the problems of having a family. We considered that people who work in banks, in Boots, therapists, the supermarket, the Jobcentre could argue the same point. They don't display their children's photos.

I agree with her, family photos & personal pictures have no place in a GP's consulting room.

So AINBU thinking the family photos have no place in GP consulting rooms?

Here's the thing - and I've had plenty of grief in my life including miscarriage and adored parents - our grief is personal and it's about us, our sadness and our pain and loss. It's not about anyone else and no one else is responsible for it. I know some friends like your DIL who were always looking outside of themselves while going thru IVF, raging at friends repeated happy pregnancies, unhappy about photographers displaying happily pregnant women. You're just displacing your grief, it's not about them, it's just another way to be mad at the world, which of course is human. But our pain is ours to bear, hopefully with love and support of our closest people. Thinking this way will help, I think.

I thought she was drawing a really flippant parallel for the sake of argument. I apologise if I have that wrong.

I was FAR into the post thinking you meant grandparents!

Now it makes much more sense!

5 years of unexplained infertility and 5 rounds of IVF enough perspective for you?

My point is this: either we all have to accept that we may see things that upset us by reminding us of something we lack that we desperately want, or we have to live isolated to avoid that. You can’t gate keep other people’s emotions. So we have to accept our own and endeavour to live with them and not let them impact those around us. That includes not expecting a poor GP who spends most of their days away from their children to not keep pictures and mementoes of them.

Not for you. Not for me, as it goes, but is it beyond the bounds of your imagination that different people have different motivations, and can feel strongly about things you don’t care about?

I have been infertile, I have watched other people have children, I have visited places with children. Have I wished I was in their shoes? Absolutely! But I find it hard to accept that so many people are so self-obsessed that they actually think their misery is greater than another’s or that it should curtail another’s joy? You should be ashamed of your attitude and of the attacks you’ve made on me simply for expressing a different opinion.

Fair enough. I didn’t think it was flippant.

How is she going to cope walking down the street and passing a family? Eating out at a restaurant and seeing parents feeding their kids? God forbid this woman ever go to a park…

Yes, it might be legitimately upsetting when you’re in that very specific vulnerable spot but you have to take responsibility that it is their own upset. It is not the responsibility of everyone around them to stop being parents because it makes them have sad thoughts.

It sounds like this poor woman would benefit from therapy. I can’t imagine how hard it all is, but you can’t expect people never to have photos of their children in their office.

When people are in the midst of the crisis they can lose perspective. The DIL is at the GPs specifically to talk about her fifth consecutive miscarriage. That is the difference for her from seeing kids in all the other aspects of her life. The GP should be allowed the pictures, of course, but cut the DIL some slack. The majority of people do not equate the loss or lack of a very dear and beloved pet to multiple miscarriages and the fear and grief of never having a child.

I’m not “ashamed of my attitude” but thanks for trying to shame me. I, also live with infertility permanently. No happy ending. Just infertile. So wind your neck in. I actually agree with you about the drs room, albeit sounds OTT and twee, but I cannot equate wanting a horse to living with infertility.

I’m sorry for her loss, but the reality is that there are going to be reminders of the existence children all around her as she navigates the world, so how is this any different?

Should we keep our children covered up and out of sight in case the sight of them upsets her?

What a ridiculous OP. People are just getting offended by everything.

People are too far up themselves now and think the world revolves around them.

No you can't but other people can, so obviously, it's a point of view, and I would say a valid one, though it's not mine.

Unfortunately I also disagree with you that you - as a person who has very sadly experienced (and continues to experience) infertility - is best-placed to comment on this. Unfortunately, your personal experience is likely to make you less able to consider the situation objectively. You are not in a position to comment objectively on whether your pain is "worse" or "more valid" than anyone else's. Another excellent reason that we stick to managing our own emotions, and not gate keeping those of others, perhaps?

Ah yes, the old “you’re too emotional to comment so your opinion is worthless” post. I won’t be commenting on your posts any further, not because my experience makes me un objective, in your opinion, to comment on MN but because I fundamentally disagree that the pain of infertility and a desire for a horse is equal.

That's not what I said. I said that someone who is personally invested is likely to be unable to be objective, which is just one of the many pitfalls of trying to categorise emotional responses. But if you can't bear to be disagreed with, that's your prerogative and you should absolutely feel free to flounce.

5 miscarriages. That's horrific. I hope she has already been referred to a specialist and not just going back and forth to the GP. 2 miscarriages and and an embryo loss were more than enough for me to take.
I don't think there's anything unreasonable in something minor tipping you over the edge when you're in the darkest place. I could barely leave the house. I'm sure no one is planning to complain to the GP surgery.

I'm a GP and actually don't have any photos on display, more to preserve privacy than anything. Some patients can be challenging and to be honest some I would not want seeing photos of my kids.

Gently, this is a massive over reaction, and whilst I'm very sorry for this person's difficulties they are not the GPs fault. The doctor having kids and a patient struggling with fertility or MC are not linked, it's not a zero sum game.

Should pregnant doctors not come to work in case someone is offended? Should the surgery ban babies and children from the waiting room is case their presence triggering? Ban posters for the Health Visitor or immunisation clinic?

It's pretty thankless being a GP, getting worse and honestly things like this make me despair.

Don't worry @DrLucyVanPelt most people in the UK would kiss the ground in gratitude if they saw a doctor face to face. They would barely pay attention to this.

TBF this whole post began as a friend of a friend type of thing and I’m not sure why the OP posted - sounds like it was just to get a reaction. I’d imagine the poor lady in question is in a bad place right now and feeling all sorts of grief and anger and not thinking straight. I don’t think most people take much notice if family photos in reality - everyone seeing you is more concerned about their own problems. Thanks for doing a pretty thankless job.

Her GP can have photos of whatever the fuck they want in their own office!
Maybe she should have thought about having children earlier rather than when pushing 40; despite all the MNs who’ve apparently had their first at 40-47 the reality is very very unlikely.

To be fair the goat was unexpected in a thread about miscarriage. 🐐

It really isn’t.

@Calliopespa i know, fancy me thinking they were being flippant!

It is. It's only 25% per. Cycle at 20....20% at 30, It's 5% at 40, and drops to 1% at 45.

So, she's correct, it's very unlikely to get pregnant over 40.

About 20 percent of 40 year olds will fall pregnant after six months of trying. That isn’t 20 percent compared with 100 percent of 20 year olds; it compares with 45 percent of 20 year olds after 6 months. Falling pregnant happens in a window of cycles usually. An “each cycle percentage” misses the point that adding months increases the chances.

Try for longer and it increases.

Twenty percent is not “very unlikely.” Especislly when twenty year old fertility is less than 50 percent in that time frame.

More anecdotally, I know plenty of mums who conceived late thirties and early forties and the women I know who didn’t get there in the end had fertility issues from their twenties.