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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to consider ending a lifelong friendship over this?

252 replies

TheNavySwan · 22/06/2025 07:43

Need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m going mad.
Bit of a long one — thanks in advance if you read this.

So I’m currently debating whether to stay friends with my lifelong best friend (we’ll call her Sarah) after I feel like she’s totally stabbed me in the back.

Basically, there’s another girl (Beth) — someone I’ve known since we were actual babies — who recently got married. Sarah only knows Beth through me. They’ve never been close on their own, barely know each other. I was originally asked to be Beth’s maid of honour, and I accepted.

But at the time, I was dealing with a lot — uni stress, a horrible breakup with a manipulative ex, moving home, and some mental health stuff. I got overwhelmed and told Beth I couldn’t do it anymore. Not proud of it, but I was in a really bad place and not thinking clearly (my ex had a lot to do with that).

In a bit of a panic, Beth then asked Sarah to be her maid of honour instead. Sarah accepted (which I kind of understand, since she was put on the spot). Later on, I broke things off with my ex and started to feel more like myself again, and I reached out to Beth to explain the situation and told her I regretted stepping down.

Beth then offered for me to be a bridesmaid instead, but after a bit of back and forth, we ended up agreeing to share the maid/matron of honour role — since Sarah is married and I’m not. So at that point, all seemed okay again.

Fast forward — time goes on, and neither Sarah nor I actually help Beth with any wedding stuff. Sarah just had a baby, so she’s been busy, and I’ve still been trying to get my life back on track. So we were kind of in the same boat. But then, out of nowhere, Beth sends me this nasty message saying she doesn’t want me at her wedding anymore because I’ve not helped at all. And I’m thinking — okay, but Sarah hasn’t either, yet you’re still best mates with her? Why single me out?

Anyway. The plot thickens.

Turns out, Beth has apparently been lying about her nan being dead for SIX YEARS. I only found this out recently after our mums bumped into each other at the shops, and Beth’s mum let it slip that the nan was very much alive up until 5 days ago. I mean — who lies about that? It’s beyond weird and really rubbed Sarah the wrong way too, especially since she lost her own nan a few years back and was genuinely hurt.

At one point, Sarah even said she wasn’t sure if she was going to the wedding anymore after hearing about all the lies.

But then the wedding comes around and guess what? Sarah still goes. After all that, she still chose to show up and celebrate someone who had been awful to me and who’s clearly not honest or genuine. It feels like a massive betrayal.

Now I’m left feeling like maybe this is a sign from God and He is removing toxic people from my life for a reason. I recently found out I’m pregnant, and honestly, I just don’t want all this drama in my life anymore. I’m trying to protect my peace and do what’s best for me and my baby.

So AIBU to seriously consider cutting off Sarah for still choosing to be friends with Beth and going to the wedding, despite everything?

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading!

Appreciate any honest thoughts.

OP posts:
nomas · 22/06/2025 07:45

Yes, dump her.

My19thNervousNameChange · 22/06/2025 07:47

Who lies about their nan being dead? What possible benefit is there to that? It all sounds rather teenagery to me.

RentalProblem · 22/06/2025 07:51

People often have 2 nans, one on maternal side and other on paternal side of family. Could it be one Nan is deceased but the other still alive?

CaptainFuture · 22/06/2025 07:51

Maybe the relationship with her grandmother was awful and it was easier to say she'd passed away?
If you don't want to be their friend just don't. Am assuming you and Beth still aren't talking anyway?

Springflowersyay · 22/06/2025 07:51

Why do women and girls try to control their friendship groups so much?

You can’t tell anyone what to do in that respect.

Fluffyholeysocks · 22/06/2025 07:53

I dont think anyone has covered themselves in glory, you included. It all sounds very dramatic too. Maybe you all need a break from each other.

Pleatherandlace · 22/06/2025 07:56

It doesn’t sound like you’ve been that great a friend either to be honest. I don’t know why she lied about her nan, but it was years ago (and you sound very young now) so perhaps it was just some teenage attention seeking. Can you not let it go?

Clarinet1 · 22/06/2025 08:01

Well you say yourself that you’ve been dealing with slot and all this drama is one more thing you can do with out so I agree you should ditch them, at least for now. All the best for the pregnancy, birth and motherhood!

TheNavySwan · 22/06/2025 08:01

@PleatherandlaceI’m just gonna take this with a pinch of salt because I’ve only given you abit of context, I’ve done alot for this friend, she basically lived with me growing up because of her rough childhood, and for reference I’m 30. I’m aware this sounds extremely childish hence why I’m planning to just remove them both as I don’t need this level of immaturity.

thanks

OP posts:
EnterFunnyNameHere · 22/06/2025 08:02

So you want to cut off Sarah for going to Beth's wedding, because you think Beth treated you badly? But what did Beth actually do to you, except get upset that you dicked her around about being in her wedding party and did nothing at all to help her plan her wedding?

Sounds like Beth was right to be angry at you, and Sarah was right not inflame the pointless drama any further by boycotting the wedding. Who knows about the nan thing, I mean - everyone gets two after all...

It sounds like you create drama OP, so not sure cutting out Sarah will remove drama from your life!

vivainsomnia · 22/06/2025 08:04

They probably have their side to tell. Friendships are precious. Get all together and discuss the situation like grown ups.

YesHonestly · 22/06/2025 08:04

Yeah, you really haven’t been a good friend.

There are many reasons she could have lied about her gran dying, for all you know it could have been a toxic relationship.

TheNavySwan · 22/06/2025 08:05

Theres only so much I can explain over writing but if thats what you think then fair enough😂 I’d forgotten to include parts of the nasty things that Beth has done to me. Did you read the part where Sarah didn’t do anything to help either… just felt singled out, and until life has hit you hard and you’ve been in a narcisistic relationship and been manipulated you wouldn’t really understand fully.

OP posts:
MuckFusk · 22/06/2025 08:05

First.off, congrats on your pregnancy.

Sorry to say it, but YABU. Sarah had promised to be in the wedding and some people won't break their word under any circumstances, which is actually a sign of character. It could have ruined the wedding if there was no maid/matron of honour, and the wedding wasn't just for Beth, it was for the groom, the family and the friends as well. Her new husband and both of their families and friends shouldn't have to experience an awkward wedding with a bride who is miserable because the matron of honour didn't show.
So it's not a massive betrayal IMO and perhaps not a betrayal at all. Just because she went to the wedding as she had promised to does not mean she wants to be besties with Beth.
You've been going through some tough things and it's probably making you emotional and reactive. It happens and I've been there. My advice is to be easy on both Sarah and yourself.

Good luck with your pregnancy and I'm glad the creepy ex is out of the picture. Is he the father? If so, that's going to suck, so I wouldn't tell him if it was me. I don't really think he has a right to know about it if he mistreated you, plus why take the chance that he'll mistreat the child? Don't let him use it as a way to get back in your life and screw you over again.

ButterBites · 22/06/2025 08:09

Apart from Beth lying about her nan, which is really odd, and being unhappy about you not helping with her wedding, how was she nasty to you?

And why on earth is that Sarah’s fault?

parietal · 22/06/2025 08:10

YABU. Don’t cut off the friendship- Sarah hasn’t directly harmed you, but cutting yourself off would be an act of self harm

YesHonestly · 22/06/2025 08:10

TheNavySwan · 22/06/2025 08:05

Theres only so much I can explain over writing but if thats what you think then fair enough😂 I’d forgotten to include parts of the nasty things that Beth has done to me. Did you read the part where Sarah didn’t do anything to help either… just felt singled out, and until life has hit you hard and you’ve been in a narcisistic relationship and been manipulated you wouldn’t really understand fully.

Don’t make assumptions please.

I left an extremely abusive relationship while studying for my degree, and had two immediate family members die on top of that, so I’m very aware of how hard it is.

You have to take some accountability here - you accepted the MOH role, then dropped out, then asked to be in the wedding party again.

You then didn’t do anything to help the bride, which clearly upset her, and instead of holding your hands up and trying to fix it, your response was “Well she didn’t either!”.

It’s all very childish and I’m simply pointing out that you haven’t been a great friend either.

MuckFusk · 22/06/2025 08:12

Springflowersyay · 22/06/2025 07:51

Why do women and girls try to control their friendship groups so much?

You can’t tell anyone what to do in that respect.

Yeah, I wonder about that too. It seems to happen a lot. I had a friend who dropped me because I refused to drop friends she was angry with. These people had done nothing wrong, it was just a petty disagreement. The friend who dropped me was more at fault IMO. I didn't say so, I just tried to stay out of it, but I didn't express agreement with her when she ranted about how horrible they supposedly were. I was supportive, but noncommittal about fault. I guess that was enough for her to dump me. I think that's weird.

Confuuzed · 22/06/2025 08:13

So she asked you to be maid of honor at her wedding, you flaked out, you went back and she agreed to give you another chance at proving you're her friend, you flaked out again by not showing an interest and then you didn't even attend her wedding?

I'm not surprised she's done with you. She's allowed to set boundaries.

I'm not sure what the dead/not dead nan has to do with anything.

PinkFlamingoCafe · 22/06/2025 08:14

Sorry but you do sound a little narcissistic as well.

You didn't want to be a bridesmaid, then you did, which created a massive headache for your friend and was fairly attention seeking. Then you weren't invited to the wedding and angry when your friend chose to go. Now you've brought God into it as removing toxic people from your life. Sound grandiose and overly dramatic tbh.

Why Beth chose to lie about her GM, only she will know but I wouldn't use it as a stick to beat her with.

I'd do some self reflection if I were you and stop looking to control everyone around you and justifying it by using psycho babble.

ButterBites · 22/06/2025 08:14

TheNavySwan · 22/06/2025 08:05

Theres only so much I can explain over writing but if thats what you think then fair enough😂 I’d forgotten to include parts of the nasty things that Beth has done to me. Did you read the part where Sarah didn’t do anything to help either… just felt singled out, and until life has hit you hard and you’ve been in a narcisistic relationship and been manipulated you wouldn’t really understand fully.

But any issue about Sarah not doing much is between Sarah and Beth. And you don’t actually know what Sarah did or didn’t do.

pinkdelight · 22/06/2025 08:14

Gotta say I agree with those saying you’ve not been a good friend either and have not been ‘stabbed in the back’. Sarah’s allowed to make her own choices to go to Beth’s wedding and it’s not about you. Just because you see Beth as having been your friend, which clearly can’t be the full picture if Sarah was her second choice for MoH so they must be closer than you thought. Obviously you’re gonna see your side and say ‘I can’t put the whole story but trust me they’re bad and i’m the victim here’, but even by your own account, you were a very flaky friend and are trying to control what Sarah did. The Nan thing isn’t such a big deal, sure it’s odd but not something I’d end a good friendship over, I’d try to understand why she lied, but ultimately it wasn’t a lie about you, it’s to do with her own shit. You can use it to justify whatever you please and of course you can end any friendships you please, but they’ve not fucked you over in any way. At worst, Beth was pissed off that you messed her about and Sarah didn’t totally take your side, both of which are justified. Yabu but I doubt you’ll see it and will just list ways in which yanbu.

milesmachine · 22/06/2025 08:15

Sorry OP but I think YABU. You don’t sound like you’ve been much of a friend-albeit for the reasons you state. Sarah didn’t help much because she’d just had a new baby which imo is an absolutely understandable reason. You messed her around about some fairly fundamental elements of her wedding-being MOH and then agreeing to help again but not.

im not sure why you’re taking issue with Sarah here in your OP when you say Beth was nasty?

Lying about a dead relative in your early 20s is a bit ‘meh’ and everyone makes mistakes-you included. Yet you seem to have cast her in the role of the big bad.

Congrats on your pregnancy-I would perhaps see that mending bridges might bring more much needed support just at a point when you need it

Goditsmemargaret · 22/06/2025 08:16

You're the bad friend. Firstly, stepping down from MOH duties so Sarah agreed to do it. Then getting the hump and muscling back in but once you got your way you did nothing. You don't know why Beth lied about her nan. You have made the leadup to her wedding horrible and tried to make it worse by hoping Sarah would let her down too.

Calamitousness · 22/06/2025 08:17

YABU. B ‘didn’t have a great childhood’. The Nan may have been part of that. None of your business why she said she was deceased. She clearly wanted no relationship. You’ve not been a great friend lately. Yes S should have gone to the wedding regardless of what was said to you. Yes you sound immature for 30.