AIBU to consider ending a lifelong friendship over this?

[TheNavySwan]

Need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m going mad.
Bit of a long one — thanks in advance if you read this.

So I’m currently debating whether to stay friends with my lifelong best friend (we’ll call her Sarah) after I feel like she’s totally stabbed me in the back.

Basically, there’s another girl (Beth) — someone I’ve known since we were actual babies — who recently got married. Sarah only knows Beth through me. They’ve never been close on their own, barely know each other. I was originally asked to be Beth’s maid of honour, and I accepted.

But at the time, I was dealing with a lot — uni stress, a horrible breakup with a manipulative ex, moving home, and some mental health stuff. I got overwhelmed and told Beth I couldn’t do it anymore. Not proud of it, but I was in a really bad place and not thinking clearly (my ex had a lot to do with that).

In a bit of a panic, Beth then asked Sarah to be her maid of honour instead. Sarah accepted (which I kind of understand, since she was put on the spot). Later on, I broke things off with my ex and started to feel more like myself again, and I reached out to Beth to explain the situation and told her I regretted stepping down.

Beth then offered for me to be a bridesmaid instead, but after a bit of back and forth, we ended up agreeing to share the maid/matron of honour role — since Sarah is married and I’m not. So at that point, all seemed okay again.

Fast forward — time goes on, and neither Sarah nor I actually help Beth with any wedding stuff. Sarah just had a baby, so she’s been busy, and I’ve still been trying to get my life back on track. So we were kind of in the same boat. But then, out of nowhere, Beth sends me this nasty message saying she doesn’t want me at her wedding anymore because I’ve not helped at all. And I’m thinking — okay, but Sarah hasn’t either, yet you’re still best mates with her? Why single me out?

Anyway. The plot thickens.

Turns out, Beth has apparently been lying about her nan being dead for SIX YEARS. I only found this out recently after our mums bumped into each other at the shops, and Beth’s mum let it slip that the nan was very much alive up until 5 days ago. I mean — who lies about that? It’s beyond weird and really rubbed Sarah the wrong way too, especially since she lost her own nan a few years back and was genuinely hurt.

At one point, Sarah even said she wasn’t sure if she was going to the wedding anymore after hearing about all the lies.

But then the wedding comes around and guess what? Sarah still goes. After all that, she still chose to show up and celebrate someone who had been awful to me and who’s clearly not honest or genuine. It feels like a massive betrayal.

Now I’m left feeling like maybe this is a sign from God and He is removing toxic people from my life for a reason. I recently found out I’m pregnant, and honestly, I just don’t want all this drama in my life anymore. I’m trying to protect my peace and do what’s best for me and my baby.

So AIBU to seriously consider cutting off Sarah for still choosing to be friends with Beth and going to the wedding, despite everything?

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading!

Appreciate any honest thoughts.

OP doesn’t read like you really want advice. More corroboration. As you say yourself none of us really know enough but it’s also true to say there are always 2, 3, 4 sides. The other two will have their own resentments.

All in sounds petty and dramatic and that you all need to draw a line as no one comes out of it sounding great but do think it was decent of your friend to still want to include you in her wedding so if you weren’t going to step up the second time round why ask to be re included? Moot point to say the other one also let her down. It’s what you do or don’t do that matters, not other people.

Concentrate on your pregnancy. Guarantee most of MN have also been through some horrendous times. That in itself doesn’t give anyone a pass though to let other people down. If you can’t step up don’t agree to do so imho.

None of your sound like good friends.

TLDR: Take yourself out of the mess and enjoy your pregnancy.

Beth was right to disinvite you from the wedding, you should have been reflecting on that but instead you tried to punish her by getting Sarah to drop out as well. Sarah refused to go along with it so now you've got to punish her as well, for not following your orders. And on top of that, you think God is getting involved in sorting your life out because you're super special. Everything is all about you isn't it. You're the main character of the world.

Woah. The nastiness has come out.

Agree with all of this. It all sounds very childish to me and I'm astonished to hear one of this trio is already a parent and another will be imminently.

The grandma thing - if someone is friend enough to ask me to be MOH, I'd be saying to her in a jokey tone "Here, Beth - apparently your nan's very much alive! What was all that about then?"

I certainly wouldn't be outright dumping 2 friends when I hadn't covered myself in glory either.

🤔 No , sorry , but dont think it's for you. ,
I commented on a post and had absolutely nothing to do with you , ...
Grow up , and shut up if you only got nasty immature things to say ,

🤫🤫🤫🤫 little girl ..

Ok ...

So you stepped down because of your own issues and got the hump when Sarah was asked to be MoH ? For discussions ‘back and forth’ I’m reading that you pestered Beth until you got your own way, but then didn’t bother to show any interest in her wedding. And do you know for a fact that Sarah showed the same lack of interest, or have you just assumed it ? Because if neither of my co-maids of honour were showing any interest l’d have dumped them both snd found someone else. I think the truth of it is that Beth dumped you because you let her down twice.

And as for the issue with the grandmother goes, l don’t get it. Many people have two, so if one has died six years ago and the other is still alive, then how do you know the mums were talking about the right one ? To be honest this smacks of drama that should have been left behind at the school gates and l think you’re the bad friend - as evidenced by the drip feed about other bad treatment at Beth’s hands despite how much you’ve done for her.

Grow up and move on. Life’s too short for this shit.

I was talking about the comment that Beth had been nasty about it. So yes, I did read it. I have no idea what exactly OP meant by it, but if it's true (who knows?) it might be that wedding stress is the reason.

I mean from your telling here re the maid of honour you said you couldn't do it, then "oh wait actually I can now" then didn't actually do anything wedding/bride related at all. Can you seriously not see from that why Beth would be pissed off?!

I'm not clear btw, do you mean you've already cut Beth off and you're considering ending the friendship with Sarah too?

It sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do.

You were asked to be MOH, you dropped out, then got jealous when the Bride (not unreasonably) chose another MOH so you asked for the position back. This was, in my opinion, a very bold move on your part. I also note that Beth initially offered for you to be a regular bridesmaid but there was "some back and forth" about this. Clearly that wasn't good enough for you, you pushed to be MOH again and eventually you got your way. I think it was very gracious of Beth to let you back into the wedding party at all let alone MOH, but how do you re-pay her kindness? By showing no interest in actually fulfilling the MOH role or doing anything to help, which shows you didn't really care in the first place, you just didn't want Sarah to have the MOH role for herself.

I can entirely see why Beth was upset with you and not Sarah, who afterall only stepped in to the MOH role in the first place because you dramatically resigned. Also, Sarah had just had a baby! It's worrying that despite your pregnancy you're minimising the enormity of this! It is absolutely fair enough that Beth wasn't expecting Sarah to help as much with wedding prep when she's got a tiny human to keep alive! You and Sarah were not "in the same boat" and the fact that you don't see that betrays quite an extreme level of self-absorbtion. As does your expectation that Sarah (who had nothing to do with the argument between you and Beth) automatically cut ties with Beth and refuse to attend her wedding in solidarity with you. That's just not how grown up relationships work, OP.

The Nan thing is a complete red herring IMO. You've said yourself she had a difficult childhood and the family situation is probably complicated. You can know someone really well and still not know half of what goes on in a family so for her to have lied I would imagine there is a good reason. If not, what does it matter now? You're clearly not real friends and don't exactly bring out the best in each other so why do you even care? You say you want a drama free life but I'd be willing to bet that, having discovered the lie about the Nans death, you didn't keep it to yourself.

I sincerely hope for the sake of your child you mean it when you say you're intent on removing the drama and toxicity from your life. But it does seem that much of it is self-created and until you accept that reality, and start taking responsibility for your own choices and actions instead of blaming everyone around you, I suspect nothing will change.

The undead nan is weird though. Did she give a reason?

Your name says it all , get over yourself...

Actually laugha6...

Do NOT msg me again ...

Ok

I use em dashes lots - to me it's a perfectly normal - and I'm certainly not AI 🙄

Edited to add - you used it yourself! 😂

If you’re new here, just to explain:

Some people have an irrational annoyance at people quoting the OP. (It’s become a bit of a trend to tell people how annoyed you are)
The word ‘hun’ is hated with a passion (likewise various others)
You can swear and don’t have to edit posts
Some people pride themselves on the MN reputation as a nest of vipers and go out of their way to exemplify that whilst personally policing the above (especially if you happen to make more than one mistake). It says more about them than you so just ignore it.

This. OP is being a drama-lama

Agree with all of this. 100%

To think that the people involved in this scenario are possibly parents or plan to be… is terrifying!

It all sounds very immature. With kindness, I think you need to take responsibility for the things you have (or in this case, haven’t) done. Her going to the wedding is nothing to do with you unless you were trying to take control and play a game. Try to use this as a learning point and think how you could be a better friend. What a shame you missed out on such a lovely day. The lying bit is weird but you don’t know her reasons for lying. I do feel sorry for the bride having such poor support on her special day.

So you didn’t do any “work” as maid of honour and your friend was understandably annoyed at this after you and this other friend have been messing her about for months.

re the nan - doesn’t sound great but are you sure it’s the same nan that was meant to have died? Someone once went to town calling me a liar when my grandad died for a very similar situation and actually my dad’s dad had died years ago, and it was my mums dad who had just died. Got to say it really upset me in already very sad circumstances.

I'm not sure what friend you’re wanting to distance from?

Yeah to meny snakes round here, just me an the kids from now on…

You really don't come across well in your OP. Very self-centred and self-absorbed. You messed Beth around, didn't help her, and now you are trying to control other people's friendships. Stop being friends with Beth if you want. Stop being friends with Sarah is you want. But don't do it because Sarah won't let you control who she is friends with.

Does that makes you feel superior?

@TheNavySwan

There will be a lot of people on here, calling you childish and playground behaviour.

The simple fact is when female friends get married and have children their friends become less important to their lives. I learned this in a similar circumstance as you. I just wasn't ready to take that next step, so my friends were still central to my life, but that wasn't the case for them as they were ready to settle down.

The best you can do is to take a step back and focus on what is important to you right now. It still sounds like you have some mental health and personal growth to do and you can priortise that, and find a new social circle that is in step with you.

The film "Bridesmaids" sums this up really well.