AIBU to consider ending a lifelong friendship over this?

[TheNavySwan]

Need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m going mad.
Bit of a long one — thanks in advance if you read this.

So I’m currently debating whether to stay friends with my lifelong best friend (we’ll call her Sarah) after I feel like she’s totally stabbed me in the back.

Basically, there’s another girl (Beth) — someone I’ve known since we were actual babies — who recently got married. Sarah only knows Beth through me. They’ve never been close on their own, barely know each other. I was originally asked to be Beth’s maid of honour, and I accepted.

But at the time, I was dealing with a lot — uni stress, a horrible breakup with a manipulative ex, moving home, and some mental health stuff. I got overwhelmed and told Beth I couldn’t do it anymore. Not proud of it, but I was in a really bad place and not thinking clearly (my ex had a lot to do with that).

In a bit of a panic, Beth then asked Sarah to be her maid of honour instead. Sarah accepted (which I kind of understand, since she was put on the spot). Later on, I broke things off with my ex and started to feel more like myself again, and I reached out to Beth to explain the situation and told her I regretted stepping down.

Beth then offered for me to be a bridesmaid instead, but after a bit of back and forth, we ended up agreeing to share the maid/matron of honour role — since Sarah is married and I’m not. So at that point, all seemed okay again.

Fast forward — time goes on, and neither Sarah nor I actually help Beth with any wedding stuff. Sarah just had a baby, so she’s been busy, and I’ve still been trying to get my life back on track. So we were kind of in the same boat. But then, out of nowhere, Beth sends me this nasty message saying she doesn’t want me at her wedding anymore because I’ve not helped at all. And I’m thinking — okay, but Sarah hasn’t either, yet you’re still best mates with her? Why single me out?

Anyway. The plot thickens.

Turns out, Beth has apparently been lying about her nan being dead for SIX YEARS. I only found this out recently after our mums bumped into each other at the shops, and Beth’s mum let it slip that the nan was very much alive up until 5 days ago. I mean — who lies about that? It’s beyond weird and really rubbed Sarah the wrong way too, especially since she lost her own nan a few years back and was genuinely hurt.

At one point, Sarah even said she wasn’t sure if she was going to the wedding anymore after hearing about all the lies.

But then the wedding comes around and guess what? Sarah still goes. After all that, she still chose to show up and celebrate someone who had been awful to me and who’s clearly not honest or genuine. It feels like a massive betrayal.

Now I’m left feeling like maybe this is a sign from God and He is removing toxic people from my life for a reason. I recently found out I’m pregnant, and honestly, I just don’t want all this drama in my life anymore. I’m trying to protect my peace and do what’s best for me and my baby.

So AIBU to seriously consider cutting off Sarah for still choosing to be friends with Beth and going to the wedding, despite everything?

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading!

Appreciate any honest thoughts.

…at least she’s telling herself to ‘shush’

I feel like I’ve read a different post to lots of you. You don’t drop out of your friend’s wedding, ask to be let back in when you feel a bit jealous of your replacement and then unashamedly do absolutely fuck all to help your friend and expect them not to be upset with you. ‘Beth’ has done nothing wrong. She’s just got boundaries when it comes to CF friends.

Who knows why she lied about her grandmother but in the grand scheme of things - who cares? It’s not a big deal. I’d probably tell people my grandmother is dead - she might as well be as far as I’m concerned. I’d think it really odd if a friend took umbrage if they found out she wasn’t dead because it has absolutely no bearing on our friendship at all.

The only one to come out of this badly is op.

Beth, maybe, but you were a crap MOH - Sarah you are being controlling and childish.

Why is she undead though ? Presumably there were two nans to start with - entirely possible one died six years ago and the other is still alive. OP wasn’t present during the ‘two mums’ conversation so there could be crossed wires.

If Sarah is actually your best friend you should feel comfortable enough to tell her it’s made you feel
and see what she says.

But yeah I think cutting someone out (best friend at that) for honouring wedding commitments is a little ott.

Beth - awful to lie about her nan being dead, I would make a decision on future friendship based on that more than anything else, particularly wedding-related stuff where even normally sane people go batshit crazy

You - stepped down from MOH duties due to significant reasons which is fine, then tried to inveigle your way back into the role when someone else was given it, that is not fine, you should have continued to take a backseat role

Sarah - stepped up when she was needed, regardless of what happened later on in terms of her ‘help’ with the wedding, she didn’t do anything wrong by going to the wedding at all, and you shouldn’t hold her accountable for that, it’s very self-centred of you to consider it an ultimatum.

I’m Team Sarah frankly. Stepped into the breach and didn’t let any pettiness stop her from going to the wedding, despite ridiculous friendship politics.

You sound like a shit friend, OP.

First, you accept the role of MOH and then decide to drop out due to personal reasons. That is absolutely fine.

So, Beth then asks another friend to be MOH, and that friend agrees. You then when you're allegedly in a "better place" ask to be reinstated as MOH, and in order to not upset either of you, Beth opted to make you both MOH.

Except when that happened, you didn't step up to help. At all. It's irrelevant what Sarah did or didn't do-that doesn't mitigate your lack of help at all. You don't know how much help she was before you asked to be reinstated as MOH. Also, having a new baby is quite an understandable reason to be too busy to assist with a wedding.

The other stuff about the GM is irrelevant and tacked on to try and make you look better, IMO. Had you not be ditched for the wedding-I doubt you'd even care that much. Who knows why she lied? If she didn't have a great childhood, maybe the nan was part of that and therefore, she thinks of her as being dead.

But it's not relevant to you being booted out of the wedding, and you don't get a say in controlling whether Sarah or anyone else attends the wedding.

You sound incredibly immature, OP.

Is Beth being a bitch for not wanting OP at the wedding when OP, by her own admission, did absolutely nothing to help out, despite ASKING, to be MOH?

Aye. Could be. As with all posts on here though we can only go on what op said and that is that Beth lied.

It may be a Tik Tok thing too (I know nothing of Tik Tok and care even less) but zombies and vampires are in fact referred to as the undead.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/undead

If you're going to correct people, maybe you should check to make sure you are correct first.

Sounds like 3 people all going through some things and none of you able to support one another.

Have you ever found out why Beth lied about her nan dying? Might that be linked to her tough childhood? How long have Beth and Sarah known one another? It seems as though they may have become closer than you thought they were.

Are you and Beth no longer friends at all after she pulled you up on not helping with the wedding? And you think you should ditch Sarah as well because she didn't cut Beth out? You say you don't want drama - but this is all very high drama. If you have known these two since childhood, can't you continue to have them in your life, albeit as less close friends than you thought they were?

I’ve never heard of bridesmaids who don’t help with anything.
You don’t sound like a fantastic friend either, especially as you go running to Sarah about everything.

Or maybe you should read the thread as this already has been answered a couple of times (by nicer people).

Yeah it’s a sign, plus all the posts now with rows of • or (1) (2) to make a list of possible explanations.

If Beth and Sarah weren't that close to each other to start I understand why beth was more annoyed with you than with Sarah for not helping at all. You were a lifelong friend you should have stepped up. Expectations were less from a newer friend, i get that. Also Sarah had had a baby, when your little one comes around you'll understand how being 'busy' takes a whole new meaning.

As for Sarah going to the wedding, why shouldn't she? Even if she was really pissed off with Beth, why not go anyhow? If my pals were going to a big event I wouldn't stay home on a point of principle because of some unresolved issue with the host. I'd much rather enjoy the party. Plus Sarah was invited so Beth wanted her there.

Finally l genuinely cannot see what it has to do with you whether Sarah went or not. It's her choice and none of your business. Even if you had a major falling out with Beth and she did bad things to do, you don't get to tell Sarah what to do. If there is one thing I can't tolerate it's another adult trying to get others to take their side in a dispute. Sarah can stay friends with you both if she likes. Keep her out of your issues with Beth.

This is very childish behaviour. You can't decide who is friends with who. They are separate people, just because they met because of you doesn't give you the right to decide for the other person if they should continue to be friends. You decided you didn't want to be part of the wedding party, you can't just change your mind and expect people to change an arrangement because it no longer suits you. As someone else said she probably felt she had to go and support this person on her day. Sorry bit there is some real selfishness. I suggest you stand back and take a good look at this situation, that frankly, you created.

You've decided you want to remove them from your life. Just do it.

This all sounds so rediculous! You don’t own Sarah just because they met because of your friendship ties, this does not mean she can’t be friends with Beth because you and Beth aren’t friends! I suggest you have a long hard serious think of how this all came across and then spend some time maturing!!!

I don't follow the story here 🙈
who are you trying to cut out here?
beth doesn't want you at wedding because you didn't help... sounds like she was very stressed about the wedding and lashed out, you should have checked in on her.

the thing about the gran... dont know what the relevance of this is... doesn't really affect your life

I think most people have said the same as you haven’t they?

Beth sounds like a total piece of work if 8m honest, but as far as I can tell, all Sarah has done wrong in your eyes is to still be friends with Beth. I wouldn’t ditch a lifelong friend on account that you haven’t been able to control who she’s friends with.

Yes. Lots haven’t though. Which is why I said ‘lots’ in my post.

Just always do whatever is in the best interest for your child. Forget the drama now

WTF - YOU flaked on her wedding, then begged for a second chanced which was given, THEN YOU DIDNT ATTEND WEDDING??!?!?!?! I cant believe that. OP. Are you serious?!

Youre the awful one here, i wouldn't be surprised if they cut you off first OP.

Grow up