AIBU to consider ending a lifelong friendship over this?

[TheNavySwan]

Need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m going mad.
Bit of a long one — thanks in advance if you read this.

So I’m currently debating whether to stay friends with my lifelong best friend (we’ll call her Sarah) after I feel like she’s totally stabbed me in the back.

Basically, there’s another girl (Beth) — someone I’ve known since we were actual babies — who recently got married. Sarah only knows Beth through me. They’ve never been close on their own, barely know each other. I was originally asked to be Beth’s maid of honour, and I accepted.

But at the time, I was dealing with a lot — uni stress, a horrible breakup with a manipulative ex, moving home, and some mental health stuff. I got overwhelmed and told Beth I couldn’t do it anymore. Not proud of it, but I was in a really bad place and not thinking clearly (my ex had a lot to do with that).

In a bit of a panic, Beth then asked Sarah to be her maid of honour instead. Sarah accepted (which I kind of understand, since she was put on the spot). Later on, I broke things off with my ex and started to feel more like myself again, and I reached out to Beth to explain the situation and told her I regretted stepping down.

Beth then offered for me to be a bridesmaid instead, but after a bit of back and forth, we ended up agreeing to share the maid/matron of honour role — since Sarah is married and I’m not. So at that point, all seemed okay again.

Fast forward — time goes on, and neither Sarah nor I actually help Beth with any wedding stuff. Sarah just had a baby, so she’s been busy, and I’ve still been trying to get my life back on track. So we were kind of in the same boat. But then, out of nowhere, Beth sends me this nasty message saying she doesn’t want me at her wedding anymore because I’ve not helped at all. And I’m thinking — okay, but Sarah hasn’t either, yet you’re still best mates with her? Why single me out?

Anyway. The plot thickens.

Turns out, Beth has apparently been lying about her nan being dead for SIX YEARS. I only found this out recently after our mums bumped into each other at the shops, and Beth’s mum let it slip that the nan was very much alive up until 5 days ago. I mean — who lies about that? It’s beyond weird and really rubbed Sarah the wrong way too, especially since she lost her own nan a few years back and was genuinely hurt.

At one point, Sarah even said she wasn’t sure if she was going to the wedding anymore after hearing about all the lies.

But then the wedding comes around and guess what? Sarah still goes. After all that, she still chose to show up and celebrate someone who had been awful to me and who’s clearly not honest or genuine. It feels like a massive betrayal.

Now I’m left feeling like maybe this is a sign from God and He is removing toxic people from my life for a reason. I recently found out I’m pregnant, and honestly, I just don’t want all this drama in my life anymore. I’m trying to protect my peace and do what’s best for me and my baby.

So AIBU to seriously consider cutting off Sarah for still choosing to be friends with Beth and going to the wedding, despite everything?

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading!

Appreciate any honest thoughts.

Erm NO , it didn't HTH..
Just came across as rather bitchy tbh ...
You had no reason for that comment so ...
HTH ... OK

Ditch Beth, she sounds hard work.
As for Sarah, it sounds like she’s been put in a tricky spot & made the best of it. I’d probably mark her card & give her another chance.

You all sound very childish.

No, I wouldn’t stop being friends with someone because they chose to stay friends with someone I didn’t like.

How sure are you about the deceased Nan? Could it be possible that she meant one of them had passed away but one is still alive?! Have you even asked her about it?

Tough life circumstances or not, you really messed her around with the maid of honour role. Once you stepped down, you should have left it at that. You went back to ask for the job back and then proceeded to not even help her with wedding plans?? You clearly didn’t have the time nor headspace to do it.

Based on what you've told us, Beth didn't treat you badly. You were the one who really messed her around over being MoH. She gave you a second chance but you still didn't come through. It's not surprising she treated Sarah differently, because she wasn't on her second chance and presumably would have been freer to help as her baby got older. Why should Sarah let her down just because you had done so twice and been asked to step down?

Be honest op, if you hadn’t been uninvited you would have gone to Beth’s wedding regardless of the Nan situation.
You’re just annoyed that messing someone around has bit you back.

And no it’s not a sign from God.
God, if he exists, has more important things on his mind atm.

OP - YABU and sound very immature and intense. Given how you’ve reacted to all this I agree it’s best you cut off friendship with Sarah, for her sake as much as yours. Also - you need to relook at your own behavior and consider its impact on other people. Beth lying about her grandmother sounds like it had no impact on Sarah. You pulling in and out of Beth’s wedding had a real impact on Beth and Sarah, and who stepped in when you flaked. Your behavior always seems justifiable to you, but nobody else’s does. You keep being given second chances by your friends, but never want to do the same for them. You have some growing up to do, which I hope happens before your baby arrives.

Reads like playground bickering.
Drop them both, move on and concentrate on yourself and your baby.

Have you got children? If not, until you’ve had a baby and are totally exhausted from the pregnancy, the labour and the lack of sleep, perhaps you "wouldn’t really understand fully".

The grandmother thing is weird but I don’t understand why you are annoyed with Sarah and think she should have left Beth in the lurch because of it. You seem to enjoy creating as much drama as possible.

This is the proverbial storm in a teacup, isn't it? It's only a big drama if you all want it to be. OP made a sensible decision at the time, that was right for her circumstances then. She now has to deal with it. Changed her mind? That's a shame, but the wedding isn't about her, and the woman getting married needed an alternative.

Honestly, NONE of you sound mature enough to get married/have kids/etc!

Also, 'Maid of Honour' and that you can't be a bridesmaid if you're married? Seriously? Do women in the 21st century still do all this crap?

Yabu

If she is more annoyed at you, it's because:

• you're meant to be her best friend
• you let her down twice
• you actually asked to be maid of honour the second time and still let her down.

If you still had things going on in your life that meant you couldn't help properly you shouldn't have been asking to be involved in a role where you help

It sounds like the friendship is probably over anyway if she un invited you to her wedding?

Are you sure she lied about her nan (and it wasn't someone she considered a nan, or s great grandmother on another side of the family or something). If she had a bad upbringing maybe it was easier to say she was dead rather than explain estrangement?

You all sound a but dysfunctional.

Sarah may have had her own reasons for going to the wedding, maybe she felt absolutely crap about messing Beth around by being a rubbish MOH and this was way to compensate.

You both sound like absolutely shite friends to Beth, dodgy sounding excuses aside, you messed her about totally by standing down and then when she agreed to take you back in the role did absolutely nothing. I’m not surprised she was annoyed. This is just your chickens coming home to roost.

Plus if I have understood it you’re now pregnant not long after an abusive relationship.

I honestly think you should sort your own life out, maybe with a better apology to Beth, and stop with the drama.

Can tell you not a girls girl,, so you can keep your rather passive aggressive commitments to yourself,,, OK

Not interested in talking to mean " little girls" ..
HTH...
🤔🤫

I don’t think you are the friend you think you are. Why have you made everything about you?

Agreed. You sound like a very poor friend, who expects a lot of others without much giving in return. She was gave you another chance, which you then didn't do much with. She had lied about a granny being dead, which is really such a non-event, and you were not prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt. Would you not assume that there was a good reason for it? Or query why it even mattered, as it had no impact on your life at all?

As to then not even go to the wedding, and be furious that your other friend was able to be more circumspect than you is hugely odd and OTT. I can only assume your cross because your friend mad enough look bad by going when you seem determined to play them off against each other.

But now you've lost out, as if I were either of them I wouldn't want to be friends with you.

Why are you telling yourself off hun?

I'm not convinced they have done anything wrong.
You told Beth that you couldn't be moh , then changed your mind and asked her to take you back. She agreed but then you didn't help out with anything. Although Sarah didn't either, she wasn't the one who messed the bride to be around. She's also recently had a baby so her free time is understandably more limited.
Sarah shouldn't have to take sides and as her friend you shouldn't expect her to.

@ObtuseMoose I was wondering exactly that

Beth was clearly more upset and let down by YOUR lack of help with the wedding than Sarah's because she was closer to you and expected more support from you. Sarah didn't do anything wrong by attending the wedding. Sarah hasn't caused you any harm and ending the friendship would be quite an overreaction.

OP I'm not going to comment on the rights and wrongs of the situation or your part in it as that's been covered at length by PPs.

I just wanted to say that as a former total people pleaser who just wanted everyone to like me, around 30 was when I started actually assessing whether friendships were healthy or toxic, whether the other person brought anything to my life and generally whether the friendship was good for anyone involved. This included acknowledging at times that I was also (or more so) at fault.

I dropped (not in a mean way, generally just phasing out) several friends. And now I'm only friends with people who do bring something to my life (and me to theirs!). I still have a great friendship group and haven't missed the former friends really at all - although we may have had fun times etc which I'll always look back on fondly the friendships had run their course.

I think this might be the case here.

Are you bat shit?

Did you read the post? @TheNavySwan flaked on her, leaving her in the lurch, then after Beth asked Sarah to do the role (with seemingly no drama at all) @TheNavySwan changed her mind and decided that she could do it after all and everyone adjusted around her again. Then OP did fuck all to actually help. Seems to me there’s only one self-centered person in this situation and it’s not Beth or Sarah. Sounds like you’ll be doing them a favour by cutting contact OP.

The dead / not dead nan is a different issue.

> Now I’m left feeling like maybe this is a sign from God and He is removing toxic people from my life for a reason

Yes, YABU

You all sound about 13 to be honest…

MN is not the forum for you.

What a nicely written OP - it uses em dashes and everything!