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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a stranger at my son’s party

299 replies

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 20:12

My son is turning 4 next week. My husbands sil has just messaged to ask if my 14 year old nephew can bring his girlfriend to my sons party at our house. There is only going to be me (mum), husband (dad), daughter (8 year old) (sister), both sets of grandparents and my husbands brother, wife (sil) and two sons (14 and 9 year old). Not even husband, or grandparents have met this girlfriend before. I just find it weird that this is the time we should meet her. So am I unreasonable to say no. Or should I let her come. Son absolutely adores and idolises 14 year old nephew and would hugely miss him if he didn’t come. Told this is only time nephew can see girlfriend as she lives 2 hrs away and so only see each other once a month for a weekend.

OP posts:
Ilovepastafortea · 21/06/2025 21:34

Personally I don't understand why 14 year olds would want to go to a 4 year old's party. But if they do - what's the problem? She may be of some use dishing out the squash, supervising games etc.

At that age they tend to be good with youngsters as possibly she has younger siblings. I say bring it on.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 21/06/2025 21:34

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:21

Yes he’s a friend who’s a boy. Who comes round for tea and she goes to his. They go ten pin bowling etc. they hold hands, hug and buy presents for each other and make gifts and drawings for each other, go to Frankie and bennies etc. one parent takes them and supervises them from a distance.

she’s been doing this for longer than my nephew with current girlfriend. And not just once a month. So maybe her relationship is more serious than his.

Show quote history

Ewww

choccytime · 21/06/2025 21:34

I think you're bonkers , why don't you invite some chidren of your son's age

Sofiewoo · 21/06/2025 21:35

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Original poster
2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:35

choccytime · 21/06/2025 21:34

I think you're bonkers , why don't you invite some chidren of your son's age

I have to the one after nursery mid week. Family can’t make it to that one. That’s why he’s having this one the day after his birthday to get his big presents.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 21/06/2025 21:36

Your nephew at 11.5 had a girlfriend for 2 years. Your 8 year old daughter has had a "boyfriend" for more than 8 months.

So weird!

Hercisback1 · 21/06/2025 21:36

What the hell am I reading, you're comparing an 8yos "relationship" to a 14yos?

You a hound bonkers. It you don't invite her she's well rid.

ChampagneLassie · 21/06/2025 21:37

What a lovely lad that he’d want to take his GF rather than blowing off the party to hang out with her. Why wouldn’t you want her there? However I think this sounds a rubbish party for a 4 year old, why not invite his friends?

Sofiewoo · 21/06/2025 21:37

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:30

She does. Lots. They’re really close. He loves the attention from other people. It’s the first year he’s been really excited about his birthday. She helps him opening his presents (as mil uses lots of tape) as I set them up out of the packaging. Then food comes out. Everyone stuffs themselves. Then the 8 and 9 year old go off and play (9 year old is awkward in social situations and finds them overwhelming also has sensory issues etc) so my dd helps him with staying calm and often with edits out Lego or arts and crafts in her room to do. Then 14 year old normally plays with new toys with son. In laws disappear home 20 mins after food has been served (use dog as an excuse). My parents. Go at about 3pm as catch train 2 hrs back home. Brother in laws family normally stop and play all together then (as 9 year old better as things calmer- or can then go to a different room when needed by self.) until 8pm.

it’s how it’s been for years.

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I really don’t see how it can be the case “for years” when your child is 3. There hasn’t exactly been that many birthdays.

MaraB77 · 21/06/2025 21:37

I'd just send a text back saying fine, does she have any allergies etc. What a lot of drama.

Sofiewoo · 21/06/2025 21:38

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 21/06/2025 21:36

Your nephew at 11.5 had a girlfriend for 2 years. Your 8 year old daughter has had a "boyfriend" for more than 8 months.

So weird!

And they go on 8 year old dinner dates more than once a month? 😂

BrickRaven · 21/06/2025 21:38

Everyoneseemssadnow · 21/06/2025 21:00

I really don't understand how my post translates into me being " insecure and dramatic" ! Why feel the need to have an unpleasant dig at me just because I voiced a different opinion from you?

Virtually no one at the party knows this girl, apart from the nephew and his parents. So obviously everyone is going to have to be introduced to her. And politeness will dictate they all have conversations with her and make a fuss of her. When they should be getting on with the birthday celebrations.

So of course this will detract from OP 's son being the centre of attention.

Of course the niceties of welcoming and getting to know this girl will alter the dynamic.

Edited
Show quote history

Seriously?
You sound ridiculous. It’s a birthday party for a 4 year old. Not a wedding where someone is trying to take the attention away from the bride.
Please please don’t make your nephew feel bad about his GF by not allowing her to come. He won’t ever ever forget it and neither will anyone else.

Rewis · 21/06/2025 21:38

I'm not thrilled about kids in their early teens bringing their bf/gf to extended family events. However, I would let her come. It's just a 14yo girl. However, you can say no but I feel like that would cause more problems than agreeing

Original poster
2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:38

This reply has been deleted

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This isn’t about my daughter. It’s about my son’s birthday.

you believe what you want. She’s asked to have some friends to miller and Carter steakhouse for her next birthday which we’re considering.

OP posts:
Ilovepastafortea · 21/06/2025 21:38

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:21

Yes he’s a friend who’s a boy. Who comes round for tea and she goes to his. They go ten pin bowling etc. they hold hands, hug and buy presents for each other and make gifts and drawings for each other, go to Frankie and bennies etc. one parent takes them and supervises them from a distance.

she’s been doing this for longer than my nephew with current girlfriend. And not just once a month. So maybe her relationship is more serious than his.

Show quote history

My 8 year old GD has 3 'boyfriends' she told me today that she's only kissed one & that was on the cheek. She's not ready to kiss the other 2 as they've only been her boyfriends for 3 months & they need to be her boyfriend for at least 6 months before she will kiss them. 😍

Verylateintheevening · 21/06/2025 21:40

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BrickRaven · 21/06/2025 21:40

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:21

Yes he’s a friend who’s a boy. Who comes round for tea and she goes to his. They go ten pin bowling etc. they hold hands, hug and buy presents for each other and make gifts and drawings for each other, go to Frankie and bennies etc. one parent takes them and supervises them from a distance.

she’s been doing this for longer than my nephew with current girlfriend. And not just once a month. So maybe her relationship is more serious than his.

Show quote history

Are you serious?
Sorry… but THEY ARE 8

LadeOde · 21/06/2025 21:40

Leaving aside the serial dating nephew (is his name Lothario?) and OP's 18yr 8yr old DD, I'd have been thinking about all the attention the 4yr old would get from a 14yr old girl present. He'd love every minute of it, his family, his 2 cousins and the gf. He'll be spoilt rotten.

Original poster
2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:41

Sofiewoo · 21/06/2025 21:37

I really don’t see how it can be the case “for years” when your child is 3. There hasn’t exactly been that many birthdays.

Show quote history

It’s only since my son has been born that the 8 and 9 year old have been close. Before that the 9 year old wouldn’t interact with anyone so the 14 year old used to play loads with the 8 year old. They’re both very competitive at games so it worked well.

Even when there was just the 14 year old he’d have a friend party and a family one on the Saturday nearest his birthday. So don’t see what the difference is. It’s happened for them all.

OP posts:
KierEagan · 21/06/2025 21:42

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:14

But she wasn’t until last November.

it has been many different girls before that. Not one got invited or came to any family occasion ever. One of the girls he’d been with for 2 years and still we never met her at even his family birthday celebration. So why at my sons?

my 8 year old daughter also has a boyfriend but he’s not coming or been invited. And yet my parents have met him. But yet my brother in laws parents haven’t met this girl.

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Why are so many children in your family playing at grow up dating? That kind of thing doesn’t sit right with me.

TheCurious0range · 21/06/2025 21:42

This is insane why are the children in your family in relationships from such young ages!! 8 year olds on dates at Frankie and bennies, 11 year olds in 2 year relationships, it's ridiculous, but if you are going to encourage this or even just not object to it, you need to accept your 14 year old nephew wants his girlfriend to meet the family. Clearly she already knows his immediate family so it's only you and the in laws really, also most 14 year old girls like cute kids so your nephew is going to do his best doting big cousin bit to impress her.
You're making this way bigger than it is but that isn't surprising given you think your 8 year old is in a relationship and supervise her dates

Original poster
2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:43

Not said they went to Frankie and bennies every month. But yes they have been once. And they do meet up more than once a month to do other activities as mentioned.

OP posts:
Verylateintheevening · 21/06/2025 21:43

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NerrSnerr · 21/06/2025 21:44

This thread is mad. If you think one 14 year old girl is going to take the attention away from a 4 year old at his party (whether it’s for friends or family) is insane.

OP, is everyone expected to sit and watch the birthday boy for the whole time or can they chat amongst themselves?

redskydelight · 21/06/2025 21:44

I would imagine it's likely that the 14 year old has complained about having to go to a 4 year old's party and his parents have suggested he could bring his girlfriend to make him more amenable.

I think you need to rethink "this is the way we've always done it". You have 3 youngish children of reasonably similar ages who are likely to want to play with toys, and a teenager who is now at the age where he probably really isn't that interested in playing with his much younger cousin.