To not have a stranger at my son’s party

[2cleverlovingchildren]

My son is turning 4 next week. My husbands sil has just messaged to ask if my 14 year old nephew can bring his girlfriend to my sons party at our house. There is only going to be me (mum), husband (dad), daughter (8 year old) (sister), both sets of grandparents and my husbands brother, wife (sil) and two sons (14 and 9 year old). Not even husband, or grandparents have met this girlfriend before. I just find it weird that this is the time we should meet her. So am I unreasonable to say no. Or should I let her come. Son absolutely adores and idolises 14 year old nephew and would hugely miss him if he didn’t come. Told this is only time nephew can see girlfriend as she lives 2 hrs away and so only see each other once a month for a weekend.

Exactly 😂

I first met an ex’s extended family at his cousin’s wedding. Everyone thought it was handy it came up at that time, don’t think for one second the bride (who invited me) would have accused me of trying to take attention from her by merely attending.

.

go to Frankie and bennies etc. one parent takes them and supervises them from a distance.

Two 8 year olds dine at F&Bs at a table by themselves with a parent on a different table? That's really quite unusual.

They're only kids, they probably won't say boo to a goose. It's not like it's some random mystery couple that you'll all be stuck talking to for hours!

What's your actual objection to her coming? If it's that your nephew will be distracted by her and won't play with your son, just tell him beforehand that your kid will be sad if he doesn't get to spend time with his cousin, so while your happy for his guest to be there, you still expect him to be focused on the birthday boy.

You know what lovestruck teenagers are like; there's no way he's going to come if she can't, given that they only see each other once a month. And you know how much it means to your son for him to be there.

Pretty easy decision IMO.

But it's not like he's asking her to be his plus 1 for a wedding or other more formal event, it's a 4 yo's family party.
To the teenagers, 8 months together is significant.

At my nieces party once at my mums house my sister came in to their living room where mum was talking to me and my daughter and told her to go outside because my niece was ‘eating her birthday lunch’ out there and it’d be nice for her to have some attention for it.

Absolute bonkers

Wow how miserable.

Oh my god no it is not. 14yos do not sneak off in their aunties house for nooky. It’s a 14yo girl, in 10 years you are going to come home and find random 14yos in the family room and the closet probably. And they might well be sneaking off for nooky since it’s just their friends house and a regular afternoon. I can’t understand why this is worth a moments thought. Say yes and consider it practice for the road ahead of you.

You’re worried about a teenager’s girlfriend taking attention from the ‘birthday boy’? Seriously?

Of course the attention won’t be on her. She’s just a teenage kid.

OP, it’s up to you who you allow into your home but it is beyond weird to see a 14-year-old as some sort of threatening interloper who will change the dynamic. You sound very insular and paranoid.

A family party is how I met my DHs family too. Don't be mean!

Agree. If it was an adult who had been dating an adult for three weeks and was expecting to be invited to the funeral or wedding of a close family member, I'd understand why it just wouldn't be appropriate.

This is a 14 year old girl dropping in on a birthday party during a visit to her 14 year old boyfriends house. Back in the 1980s when I was a child, it was perfectly normal for other children of similar ages to the guests to be in attendance at the last minute, although to be fair the whole birthday party would be held against a back drop of Aga Doo and cigarette smoke, so it might not be the best example for me to use.

Life changes. People change. You can’t force people to always repeat previous experiences because it suits you.
Learn that lesson now and you stand a much better chance of retaining healthy family dynamics overall in the years to come.

I think it’s sweet that a 14 year old wants to bring his girlfriend, his parents have done a good job teaching him confidence and the importance of openness in relationships. She may not be the love of his life, probably not, but it’s a good sign that he cares enough for her to want to include her in family events. Also less stressful for her meeting relatives because the focus will be on the birthday child.

@2cleverlovingchildren Don't know why you bothered posting because you already made your mind up to not be loving and inclusive.
You do sound very precious being worried about your 4 year old not getting enough attention if a gf comes along.. I think gf dodged a bullet there though so good for her not coming. And this bf gf thing for an 8 y old is completely ridiculous and something the parents have pushed on these kids.

This is a very precise itinerary that’s “been happening for years” for a child turning 4.

You have a LOT of catching up to do...

She’s stayed 3 times and he’s gone to hers 4 times. Dad works away and brother stopped at in laws so she could stop in his room. It’s not bullshit.

Wow who are the 2 lots of parents who are allowing 14 year old to do this?

So not his party just a family get together for your child's birthday ? So this girl is not going to be at your child's party. Are you frightened your child wo't be centre of attention ?

This is exactly what it sounds like.

It feels like a drama is being made out of a complete non issue. Surely it’s a nice thing? The more the merrier? And lovely that he wants to bring her rather than bail on the whole party.

This is exactly it

They all need to stick to the exact timetable as they have for "years"

Which involves this 14 year old fawning over the birthday boy

Why are two fourteen year olds being allowed to stay over at each others' once a month? They are both below the age of consent.
I'd invite her to the party. Though why you are having adults at a four year old's birthday passes my comprehension. Surely the guests should all be four year olds and the adults go away and put their feet up - apart form birthday child's DPs of course! Bun fight, games, party bag, bye bye, surely?

That’s not to do with me as not my children.

he’s having his friends after nursery but family can’t make it so are having family over on the Saturday and he’s getting his cards and presents then. So they can all see him unwrap his presents and he can say thank you and play with his cousins. One set of grandparents, my sil and Bil and husband, daughter and I and nephews all play with together at whatever games and toys are received. So adults are there because they’re family and want to see him with his presents and to spend time with him. As previously said, if people don’t want to come they don’t have to. But that’s not been the case to date and doesn’t appear to be the situation this time either.

my point is that it’s a family occasion. Friends etc were allowed to the party that he’s having mid week which they were also invited to at a soft play centre but couldn’t make it. Hence the family party at my home. It is therefore more formal as there is less space for everyone, hence why sometimes one of the nephews takes himself off to my daughter’s room for a bit of peace. However not comfortable if other nephew and gf were to do this in my home. I don’t think it should be my responsibility to ensure that they are being safe but I will feel that way as it’s my home.

But his mother and father are there?

It's not up to you to then police them 🤣