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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have a stranger at my son’s party

299 replies

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 20:12

My son is turning 4 next week. My husbands sil has just messaged to ask if my 14 year old nephew can bring his girlfriend to my sons party at our house. There is only going to be me (mum), husband (dad), daughter (8 year old) (sister), both sets of grandparents and my husbands brother, wife (sil) and two sons (14 and 9 year old). Not even husband, or grandparents have met this girlfriend before. I just find it weird that this is the time we should meet her. So am I unreasonable to say no. Or should I let her come. Son absolutely adores and idolises 14 year old nephew and would hugely miss him if he didn’t come. Told this is only time nephew can see girlfriend as she lives 2 hrs away and so only see each other once a month for a weekend.

OP posts:
Edenmum2 · 21/06/2025 22:49

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:52

When I first posted I was unsure. So was husband.

it was after reading certain posts that we decided that there were more appropriate times to meet her.

we understand nephew (or anyone else) doesn’t have to come. We don’t force them to. They don’t have to. My son has another aunt that he’s never met as she chooses not to meet us or see us.

I feel we all like being the centre of attention (especially when young) on our birthdays.

yes people talk, take themselves off to other rooms etc. but we feel the dynamic would change. The focus would be on this girl that not even his own brother has met. (Only his mum has). So surely her meeting brother and dad would be better first than meeting 4 year old nephew and entire family? Why would sil not suggest this? Is it that she feels that I would watch over their interactions and make sure nothing happens and so she then doesn’t need to do that? My attention will be on my kids and predominantly on my son.

thanks for helping us to decide where our focus should be.

Everyone told you it would be fine.

Edenmum2 · 21/06/2025 22:51

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:55

8 year old girls can begin going through puberty.

Op stop. How can you not see you are making this worse.

Ilovepastafortea · 21/06/2025 22:52

whitewineandsun · 21/06/2025 22:25

Today's unhinged thread.

Again I wish I could put a laugh emoji here - so right 8 year olds taking each other out for dinner. OMG where have we come to? 😂

Ilovepastafortea · 21/06/2025 22:56

friendlycat · 21/06/2025 22:16

I’m astonished that you are going to refuse the nephew bringing his girlfriend.
This thread is utterly bonkers and the ridiculous statement that your 8 year old daughter could be viewed as more serious with her “boyfriend”.

Perhaps PP lives in Afghanistan where it's normal for 8 year old girls to be married to men old enough to be their father or even their grandfather?

Youremylobster86 · 21/06/2025 22:57

This can't be real 🤣🤣

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 23:00

To address some issues raised:

At no point have I said she eats out at miller and Carter monthly. She’s only ever been there with her family.

I said she either goes ten pin bowling, OR eats out OR goes round for tea at their house OR has them round to our house OR something with them like cinema etc. more than once a month. It’s about every two to three weeks. It’s not all of them all the time. It’s a variety of activities.

I am considering for birthday as I don’t know how many friends she’s wanting or who they are (which would influence if it’s suitable or not). Don’t see it as strange as I had a similar party at that sort of age. Other friends have had beauty salons or horse riding parties. Dd not into beauty as quite sporty (canoeing and swimming) so can’t have these as parties.

dd hasn’t kissed him unlike some other people have posted about their children.

some people need to read posts properly.

The girlfriend of my nephew lives two hours away. Unlikely she’ll ever be baby sitting.

I question why she’d want to come, why she’d be invited? also yes they’ve been dating for 7 months but that also means they’ve only actually seen each other about 7 or 8 times as they live far away from each other. So how well does he know her. How they met is also questionable as it was through a gaming app chat so I do think a close eye should be had rather than through school or a club etc.

SIL has confirmed since my message that she understand my reasons given to her and that they’re all still coming.

Not going into why son has never met my sister. But just to say my parents and grandparents have not had contact with my sister for nearly 7 years. Whereas I stopped contact with her 5 years ago and I still see the rest of my family.

I won’t be leaving any further comments.

OP posts:
rogerthat45 · 21/06/2025 23:00

Ibelievetheworldisburningtotheground · 21/06/2025 22:36

I find this way more disturbing than a 14 year old boy wanting to bring his girlfriend to a party.

Agree. It’s very very creepy. Who indulges this shit? My son had a ‘girlfriend’ in juniors but they clearly were not in a romantic relationship they were just friends. They occasionally had play dates because they enjoyed each others company but for me or the other parent to dress it up as a date would have been fucking weird at 8.

Op you have bigger issues than your nephews actual girlfriend wanting to come to the party.

HowYouLikeMyStyle · 21/06/2025 23:05

SemperIdem · 21/06/2025 20:42

It is a strange request, to me.

Odds on this being his future wife are slim to non-existent, so it really is just having a total random at the party, who is extremely unlikely to be still in the picture in 6 months time, because they’re 14 years old.

Quite.

It'd be the same if he wanted to bring any friend along, just an odd thing to ask. Can't he cope without her for a couple of hours to spend time with his family?

Sofiewoo · 21/06/2025 23:06

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:55

8 year old girls can begin going through puberty.

This is utterly crazy. You think it’s more acceptable for your 8 year old to go on dates and have a boyfriend because some 8 year olds go through puberty??

whitewineandsun · 21/06/2025 23:08

HowYouLikeMyStyle · 21/06/2025 23:05

Quite.

It'd be the same if he wanted to bring any friend along, just an odd thing to ask. Can't he cope without her for a couple of hours to spend time with his family?

He rarely sees her. Like once a month. It's not strange if spending time with her trumps a 4-year-old's birthday. In fact, that would be the most normal thing about this thread.

Sofiewoo · 21/06/2025 23:09

At no point have I said she eats out at miller and Carter monthly. She’s only ever been there with her family.

“go to Frankie and bennies etc. one parent takes them and supervises them from a distance.”

Well you absolutely did say they go to Frankie and bennys on dates so weird to now say and only goes with family.

cryptide · 21/06/2025 23:09

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 20:46

This is totally my thoughts

I doubt there will be that much attention on her. The focus will obviously be your son, in that people will be bringing him presents, watching him open and play with them, singing Happy Birthday to him etc. But with this sort of family party it's inevitable that it won't be exclusively on him - you'll be talking about all sorts of other stuff. If the girlfriend gets included in that conversation, it hurts no-one, least of all your son, who will probably enjoy having another person to spoil him.

Sofiewoo · 21/06/2025 23:10

HowYouLikeMyStyle · 21/06/2025 23:05

Quite.

It'd be the same if he wanted to bring any friend along, just an odd thing to ask. Can't he cope without her for a couple of hours to spend time with his family?

He almost certainly doesn’t want to spend his fess time at a 4th birthday party. Pretty easy to understand.

Energywise · 21/06/2025 23:12

A 14yo with a gf? No wonder kids are so fast and forward these days. How inappropriate for them to ask this

cryptide · 21/06/2025 23:12

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:09

This is also a concern.

Oh, come off it. They're way less likely to do that at yours than if they stay behind because you won't let the girlfriend come.

Sofiewoo · 21/06/2025 23:15

Energywise · 21/06/2025 23:12

A 14yo with a gf? No wonder kids are so fast and forward these days. How inappropriate for them to ask this

It’s much better for OP to l think the GF doesn’t deserve an invite because the 14 year old couple are less serious than her 8 year old DD and BF.

cryptide · 21/06/2025 23:15

Everyoneseemssadnow · 21/06/2025 21:00

I really don't understand how my post translates into me being " insecure and dramatic" ! Why feel the need to have an unpleasant dig at me just because I voiced a different opinion from you?

Virtually no one at the party knows this girl, apart from the nephew and his parents. So obviously everyone is going to have to be introduced to her. And politeness will dictate they all have conversations with her and make a fuss of her. When they should be getting on with the birthday celebrations.

So of course this will detract from OP 's son being the centre of attention.

Of course the niceties of welcoming and getting to know this girl will alter the dynamic.

Edited

He will already have had one party at which he is the centre of attention. This is essentially an excuse for a family get-together as much as it's a second party. He won't care if he's the centre of attention all the way through, he'll be far too busy playing with his presents. On the other hand, he will care if his cousin doesn't come.

cryptide · 21/06/2025 23:18

Everyoneseemssadnow · 21/06/2025 21:28

Oh so I'm "insecure" , "dramatic" and now " precious" : any more derogatory things to say about me?

Given OP's update that this gf is the latest in a succession of gfs this boy has had I really dont see why OP should have her birthday party plans disrupted just to accommodate the social life of her nephew.

Edited

She's not planning intricate games that will be disrupted by having another teenager there, FFS. Nothing needs to be disrupted at all.

NameChangeWeirdThread · 21/06/2025 23:27

People who encourage children to have boyfriends or girlfriends that young do exist sadly.

I know someone who does this with their little girl who is the same age as OP's daughter. Their daughter goes on weird little dinner dates with their boyfriend too.

I find it incredibly creepy, and IMO it's really damaging but they can't see it, they think it's cute and harmless.

EdnaTheWitch · 21/06/2025 23:34

I’m clearly in the minority here but I wouldn’t be including her. I don’t consider 14 year old’s being boyfriend / girlfriend to be a significant relationship that needs consideration under such circumstances.

mismomary · 21/06/2025 23:50

OneNaiceSnail · 21/06/2025 20:21

Jesus Christ op. Unclench. Seriously 🙄

This.

Lotsofsnacks · 22/06/2025 00:02

I can’t believe an 8 yo girl has been going out on ‘dates’ with a boyfriend!

Justsomethoughts23 · 22/06/2025 00:05

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 20:46

This is totally my thoughts

People on here are so obsessed with attention. It’s like people host parties to have a day where they/their offspring are the centre of the universe, rather than to spend quality time with friends or family.

It would not cross my mind to say no to this.

Justsomethoughts23 · 22/06/2025 00:07

cryptide · 21/06/2025 23:18

She's not planning intricate games that will be disrupted by having another teenager there, FFS. Nothing needs to be disrupted at all.

Agree. I don’t understand how another child’s presence means people can’t be “getting on with the birthday celebrations” to quote a PP - what exactly does that mean and what would be happening that will now be different as a result of this girl?

Buffs · 22/06/2025 00:09

2cleverlovingchildren · 21/06/2025 21:09

This is also a concern.

I’m sorry you’re starting to sound properly bonkers now.
Of course you should invite her!