Disappointed in DH's reaction

[Roundandround1985]

Not sure if i am being used reasonable or if DH has a point. I may be slightly blinkered

A friend and I at work both balloted for the London marathon. He's a runner and I have been saying for ages I need to start running again and get mt weight under control. To my surprise, we both got in (hence massive panic and lots of goggling on training plans!)

Told DH what had happened and he laughed, basically said I was too unfit to do it, didn't have the body or the discipline or the diet for it etc

When we were talking about it more today, he said i was silly for even considering it. It would be a lot of time and effort away from him and the kids and then it turned into an argument about how I can't keep the house tidy but want to train for a marathon.

The house tidy comment came from the fact that a cupboard isn't as tidy as it should be and I'd left a pile of washing on a bed that I hadn't had chance to put away.

The comments about time away from him is laughable as he goes to football every Saturday during the season, home and away games and I never say anything. He also has various trips away with mates for 4-5 days at a time and again i say nothing

When i said I would be do a lot of the running before work (I wfh 3 days and the youngest starts school in September) so if I am up at 5am I can do a good run on the treadmill quite a few mornings.

I don't know if I'm blinkered about being able to do this or if DH has a point.

Any activity that requires training or significant time away from the family unit in my view should be discussed. However he does this already and you just get on with it. Why are there different rules for the both of you?

I have recently taken up running again and am doing a local park run at the weekend. I've lost 3 stone and started running again in preparation and my dh has been nothing other than supportive. He bought me new running shoes, sends me encouraging videos and memes. He takes an interest in my timings and is supportive which is what a partner should be.

Your oh is not a partner in any sense of the word. He's a dead weight that at some point you will need to shed yourself of. The name calling is unacceptable and you deserve better.

No, your DH does NOT have a point...

Why are YOU putting the washing away?
Why do YOU have to tidy the cupboard?
Does he have no arms and hands?

When do you have YOUR trips away with mates for 4 to 5 days?

You do know he is massively taking the piss don't you?
Sorry OP, but he really is....

He doesn't like you doing things for yourself.

LTB, etc.

Exactly! I’m sick of women being expected to coddle these ‘poor insecure men’ and tiptoe around their feelings. He’s just an AH. OP shouldn’t have to minimise herself just to preserve his fragile ego

Sorry for late reply, its been a week

Dh still isn't backing down. Still thinks its a ridiculous idea. Tried talking monday but he had messed around in my wfh space (i was in the office Monday) and broke some of my cables so I was a bit snappier thwn I should be so he got a in a strip and we have barely spoken since.

Tried talking Tuesday again he wasn't interested

Interestingly he has decided to go and play football tonight for a few hours. Out at 7 back at 10. So ok for him to go out and miss out on family time but not me.

So he's sabotaging your work as well as your outside activities.

I think your husband is borderline abusive. The silent treatment is an abuse tactic, negging is abusive....

I would stick to your plans.

So angry on your behalf. Maybe next time you have an office day, just stay out late afterwards. See what he has to say about that

What does he say when you point out the double standard of him having unlimited time for his hobbies?

I was in an abusive relationship once.
It's very difficult to recognise it when you're in it.

OP, have you grasped it yet?
Going by your last post, I really don't think you have.......

I am starting to realise that I am possibly in an abusive relationship...ironically dh says I a use him in the way I speak to him (I'm not and barely raise my voice to him) that because the children prefer me to do bedtime I have turned them against him (they're worried he will shout at them all the time for small insignificant things) he's tried to convince me I had post natal anxiety when a therapist i saw assured me I was just a slight anxious first time mum but nothing out of the range of normal

He’s a total arsehole on all points.

I'm really sorry, OP, but you clearly are in an abusive relationship. Please do some hard thinking about how you move forwards.

I’m glad you are starting to find your anger, OP.

Does any of this wheel ring true?

I think his behaviour constitutes to gaslighting. Tries to convince you that you are the issue when its him that's the unreasonable one

Also he tried to tell you toreduce working hours. Do you think this was because he wants to reduce your career and earning possibilities?

100%! He wants to make sure she’s well and truly trapped

It's time for you to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free PDF online. Rename it something neutral.

Start using private browsing for mumsnet.

Do not reduce your working hours. He wants a maid and cleaner, he can pay for one.

Do you have a support system? Let them know he's starting to sabotage your work equipment and trying to keep you from doing things outside the home.

You have some real abuse concerns here.

I missed your update where he verbally abused you in front of the kids. It is time to let your support system know he is abusive and he's doing it in front of the kids. Check out lawyers, again, use private browsing. Set up a new email that he has no access to and cloud storage and start copying financials. Know where your important papers are and be ready to secure them. Make copies to leave with a trusted person

'Family time' only counts when he has to be there because he can't escape to football/pub/friends and wants you there too to deal with the children.

He's an arsehole.

I'd be out of there.

Why are you even asking his permission? Just crack on and get started. He doesn’t check with you so no need to get his approval. You have your hobby too now.

I assume because he will try and sabotage her attempts to leave the house to do her marathon training by refusing to look after the children and leaving the house first so she can't just walk out and leave the kids.

He sounds like a Grade A abusive cunt. He is vandalising her work station because he is angry with her. He is a shit dad with his kids but accuses OP of 'turning them against him' when they don't want him to do bedtime. OP needs to end the relationship but it won't be easy.

So things escalated snd as expected there were more issues than just the marathon, although he is still saying i should have consulted him before even entering the ballot or when I got the place and he still thinks its an idiotic idea that he won't support.

A massive argument later its as I suspected and he resents me working or rather that I enjoy my job and that I'm not at home all the time to look after him and the children and the house. He also said I'm not clever enough to work full time and look after a family and a house so I have to choose and he wants me to scale back my work (possibly give up my job) I'm currently trying doing some studying at work (during work hours) where I am on track for the highest pass mark so not sure where he gets off saying I'm not clever enough!

He's also complained that I don't pay him enough attention ie - don't want to have sex with him all day every day and I should be actively logging off at 230 when he gets home to join him in the bedroom, never mind the fact I should be working.

Told him if he thinks this is who I am then we have bigger problems and he can go find someone else.

Bloody hell OP. What a tosser. You'll do better on your own if this is the real him coming out.

I think you'd do just fine without the Grade A tosser running you down all the time.

Tell him to do one.

What a prince among men. He wants you to be 100% available to take care of the home, the children, and to stroke his cock ego. But no doubt you still need to contribute 50% of household costs while doing all this?

If finances allowed and you weren’t enjoying work / wanted to be a housewife, I’d say negotiate a pension contribution from him, an equitable financial stake in your joint efforts and then do it.

Sounds however like you enjoy using your brain and want your own goals and sources of joy outside the home? On this basis I’d suggest doing your sums and start mentally preparing for a split, which I have no doubt will be easier on so many levels.