Disappointed in DH's reaction

[Roundandround1985]

Not sure if i am being used reasonable or if DH has a point. I may be slightly blinkered

A friend and I at work both balloted for the London marathon. He's a runner and I have been saying for ages I need to start running again and get mt weight under control. To my surprise, we both got in (hence massive panic and lots of goggling on training plans!)

Told DH what had happened and he laughed, basically said I was too unfit to do it, didn't have the body or the discipline or the diet for it etc

When we were talking about it more today, he said i was silly for even considering it. It would be a lot of time and effort away from him and the kids and then it turned into an argument about how I can't keep the house tidy but want to train for a marathon.

The house tidy comment came from the fact that a cupboard isn't as tidy as it should be and I'd left a pile of washing on a bed that I hadn't had chance to put away.

The comments about time away from him is laughable as he goes to football every Saturday during the season, home and away games and I never say anything. He also has various trips away with mates for 4-5 days at a time and again i say nothing

When i said I would be do a lot of the running before work (I wfh 3 days and the youngest starts school in September) so if I am up at 5am I can do a good run on the treadmill quite a few mornings.

I don't know if I'm blinkered about being able to do this or if DH has a point.

Every thread i want that emoji back. Mumsnetters are very funny people!

Excellent point. Turn your phone off while out running.
I don’t even know your husband and feel very disappointed with his reaction.
This is a rare opportunity for you so crack on! How lovely your friend also got a place and you can support each other ☺️

He really is a selfish arse, isn't he? Does maybe 5% of the domestic load, has as much time as he likes off to watch football, and makes it difficult for you to carry out your full-time job. And he resents you taking a bit of time back to do something for yourself.

Tell him he can like it or lump it, and make it very clear you're disgusted by his selfishness.

Why do you tolerate his behaviour OP?

Haha yeah I know! I’m enjoying the fact that he cannot even fathom how much the dynamic has changed. It sounds big headed but I get a lot of attention, I am awful to him and he still wants to stay - it sounds awful but he has been cruel to me for a long time and I have zero feelings towards him. It is the end goal definitely.

I'd use his disregard of your plans to make sure I nail it. Use it as motivation. Every time you feel like slowing down, get pissed off at him and let it fuel one last leg. Do it, OP. For yourself, out of spite 😁 and mainly, because why shouldn't you. Go smash your goals!

Can you get a treadmill/ running pad? Then you don’t have to go out the house when he’s being a dick and has buggered off to football.

Agree with this!!!!

Well he was never going to be happy about being a parent that did actual parenting was he?

Another Prince amongst men.

^^This

With bells on.

Please take this in @Roundandround1985

Marathon or not, the unfairness of your lot needs addressing

YANBU, I would ignore him and prepare for the marathon.

Ignore the ignoramus. Having a goal and plan will get you there if you're already a runner.

Don't let him put you off!

PS make it crystal from here on in hell be expected to pull his weight so no bogging off to the football without advance agreement..

I have a treadmill (got quite into running during first lockdown) and my plan is to do alot on here, however I am very aware that running outside is very different so there will be times I need to be outside

My plan is to do most/all weekday runs on the treadmill before school runs and then weekend runs outside

He’s a twat and a lazy one at that. You need to be a good little wife and facilitate his life and enable him to be a non parent. Personally I’d lock him out!

Sabotage.

He's trying to keep you down so he doesn't have to step up in any way. He's dimming your light so he doesn't have to do anything other than the minimum you've been settling for.

Stop settling.

The body comment was uncalled for. You see all sorts running distance.

You've got time to train for this. I know someone who worked 12 hours shifts and ran marathons. She started from her only activity being work. Her husband was supportive and kicked up his home and dad game.

Others have covered the condemnation of your husband's behaviour so I will not do that. What I will say is that I would strongly recommend a ratio of at least 75/25% outdoor to treadmill runs for a marathon. I have trained for races using mostly the treadmill and now I have switched to almost exclusively outdoor running. When I made the switch, both my performance and my enjoyment skyrocketed and I felt so much better prepared in all aspects. Of course it's completely possible to train mostly on the treadmill but for me the more miles you put in outside the better your end result is going to be. Just a bit of advice in aid of helping you smash it and prove your husband wrong.

Please use his rudeness and insensitivity to put fire in your belly so to speak. You run and you train and you do this for you and you run that marathon! 👊

Unless it's totally unavoidable I wouldn't use a treadmill - it's just not the same as road running.

You need to be aiming for at least one 20 mile run before the big day and a treadmill or walking pad won't prepare you properly for that.

You can totally do this!!

Your H is a huge problem.

I think it’s vital that you do NOT work your training plan to work around your current, DH centric timetable, eg super early weekday runs and long runs on a weekend day. You will become exhausted. Schedule your weekday runs and your H does the parenting then. If your H takes Saturday for his leisure, do Sunday.

Running wise it’ll be important to listen to your body. Even more so when your H is so rubbish. Not every body is capable of a marathon (many are of course but my body wasn’t, am not overweight, had run regularly for 10 years, kept getting injured while training and one was unfortunately permanent 😨)

Next time he goes to the football, note the time he leaves and the time he returns. The next morning tell him you’ve planned out your runs for that week and you were shocked to realise you’ll be using x hours less than he did on his hobby. Say while you were unhappy about him scrutinising any time you spent out of the home it gave you the opportunity to scrutinise his, and motivated you to make sure there is more equality in your relationship moving forwards and that you get just as much free time as him. Then sit back and grin like the Cheshire Cat.

He also sounds like the tpe of man who on the big day will try and center it around himself and be in all the photos himself.

The only time my husband was so unsupportive was the morning of my local 10k and I was so angry I actually won it - you should break the world record!

He’s a jealous prat and probably wishes he could run a marathon - go for it girl, it will be really good for you!

That sounds like a great plan! You can do this! You can do hard things, and you have (being a mother is bloody hard) so don't listen to him, don't talk about your training to him (logistics when needs be of course but not how it makes you feel, how hard it is or anything, don't give him ammunitions) and just say matter of fact "I'm on the treadmill tomorrow from x time to x time." No asking, no "is it ok?", no prepping everything for him beforehand to make his life easy with the children - just like he does for his football and co.

Why do you think the OP should be the one to work out adaptations / ways round managing the time that her dh isn't prepared to parent ?

Why are you trying to squeeze training in so there is no ‘inconvenience’ to your DH?
There are two people in your marriage. Two people who are allowed to do things for themselves without justification or rebuke.
So often women try and fit their me time into a 30 minute window, pre sanctioned by their ‘DH’ (only if it fits in with the kids of course) while said ‘DH’ strolls around doing whatever they wish.
Reclaim your time and go bloody running! 🏃