Disappointed in DH's reaction

[Roundandround1985]

Not sure if i am being used reasonable or if DH has a point. I may be slightly blinkered

A friend and I at work both balloted for the London marathon. He's a runner and I have been saying for ages I need to start running again and get mt weight under control. To my surprise, we both got in (hence massive panic and lots of goggling on training plans!)

Told DH what had happened and he laughed, basically said I was too unfit to do it, didn't have the body or the discipline or the diet for it etc

When we were talking about it more today, he said i was silly for even considering it. It would be a lot of time and effort away from him and the kids and then it turned into an argument about how I can't keep the house tidy but want to train for a marathon.

The house tidy comment came from the fact that a cupboard isn't as tidy as it should be and I'd left a pile of washing on a bed that I hadn't had chance to put away.

The comments about time away from him is laughable as he goes to football every Saturday during the season, home and away games and I never say anything. He also has various trips away with mates for 4-5 days at a time and again i say nothing

When i said I would be do a lot of the running before work (I wfh 3 days and the youngest starts school in September) so if I am up at 5am I can do a good run on the treadmill quite a few mornings.

I don't know if I'm blinkered about being able to do this or if DH has a point.

Should also add, for nearly 18 of the 20 years we have been together he worked shifts (earlies/lates/nights) so I've spent the entire time working around his shifts. Having to be quiet or out of the house when he was trying to sleep in the day, being blamed if one of the kids was a bit louder than they should have been etc

When he took this other job last year I was promised he would be able to help more. There was a possibility I needed to travel next week and when I asked if he could take the kids in 1 or 2 days, the response I got was no as he had a busy week

I now don't need to travel but I'm still annoyed to the point I want to go somewhere to prove a point

Why is this man entitled to your labour to act as childminder, house keeper and cleaner so he can get to have achievements like a nice clean house and children, but not have to put in much work.

you have one life- why are you trying to figure out IF you’re allowed to go for runs but your husband takes all the time for himself.

you need to write down all the house tasks, kid admin etc with the frequency and show this idiot that you’re aware of how much he is mugging you off. Start handing them over. Any resistance say ‘why is your life more important than mine?’
it will be a battle but if he’s actually decent he will improve.

stop making yourself small for him. If you want to run a marathon - you can blooming we’ll do it @Roundandround1985 !! You’ve created life and gone back to work- and you do the lion’s share of everything - you’re a rockstar.
you can do this. Good luck.

You’re mostly avoiding the comments detailing that you should leave this vile selfish wanker, and focussing more on how you can tiptoe around him.

which would be fine if it was just your own life you’re choosing to be a servant in.

but it isn’t. You’re going to model to your children relationships. And they’re going to think a man doing whatever he wants, and a woman serving him is how relationships work. And then your daughter will do the same. And he utterly flummoxed when she discovers the shocking news that you’re equal, and that healthy relationships do 50/50 chores and share the disposable down time 50/50.

One thing I learnt early in life(from observing my father and male colleagues) is that if you just get on with what you want to do, people respect you and accommodate you. So long as it is vaguely reasonable timing, stick your running stuff on and leave the house for a run. You don’t really need to have any conversations about it. Just say you are doing it and do it.

If he wants to stay at home to tidy a cupboard instead of watching the football, then good for him.

This reminds me of the lady finishing the race/marathon at a sprint and the father trying to hand her the toddler as she’s running for the line!
Stick to your plan OP - he could just go to home games every other week as a reasonable compromise. He’s very selfish with his time.

He’s jealous of you.

Your DH should be pleased for you and supporting your efforts, that would be a mature and ‘normal’ reaction from someone who cares about you and believes in you. Now you not only have to find the time to train, you also have to shake off the negativity and guilt he wants you to feel for daring to do something for yourself.

I would say he wants you tied to the kitchen sink and you're showing signs of having a life and interests of your own that do not centre on him. Well tough titty my lad, the world doesn't revolve around what men want any more. I would sit down and work out how much time you spend on household stuff as compared to him and then tell him he'd better step up.

My immediate thoughts was he knows you're too good for him and thinks if you run a marathon you'll gain more confidence, realise this and leave him

You've got bigger issues than the marathon training.

Of course he should be more supportive and 100% you should go for it and do the marathon. I did it in 2022 and it was a massive challenge but you just have to take it step by step, run by run, all through the training and you will be so proud of yourself. I have no regrets whatsoever even though it was bloody hard!!

The only thing I’d say is that you are possibly underestimating the amount of time the long runs take though. On the program I followed, I was doing ‘long runs’ of half marathon distance or more every weekend for the last 4 months. The actual running part of those took 2.5-4 hours, plus at a minimum half an hour of getting ready and getting all the kit ready, and minimum half an hour afterwards to shower and stretch etc. Plus sometimes a bit of driving to get me where I wanted to start a run. It was often easily 5 or 6 hours out of the day to get that long run done. And then you’re really tired 😂 so not the most up for doing anything else!!

My husband was pretty supportive but in reality I would have been not that happy if he’d been doing that every Sunday and leaving me with the kids. So by the same token, I didn’t want to land it all on him (my kids were 4 and 6 at the time). So I did some long runs from my parents house so they could watch them, some on weekdays and shifted my working hours, some in evenings after work and some on the weekend etc. It’s all possible with planning though, so definitely don’t let it put you off, just be aware it’s a big commitment.

and from the way you phrased your post he's been undermining you for some time.
Here's what jumped out at me... he said you were:

• silly for even considering it.
• a lot of time and effort away from him - because he is the house VIP and he needs all your time and effort
• and the kids (after thought, he comes first but wants to guilt trip you into feeling like a bad mother too.)
• Finally, even if you can't accept his other extremely reasonable and valid points you have NO BUSINESS training for a Marathon, when you can't even keep the house tidy (for HIM)

You have even committed to training at 5. am in the blooming morning so as not to inconvenience him in any way... yet he's still annoyed about it.

He is an inconsiderate selfish man...who will happily undermine you in order to keep all your "time and effort" entirely focused on his wants and needs.

Don't put up with this! Go do your marathon... or training. Stop discussing it or mentioning it to him in anyway. just get on and do it. Get your training advice from a professional (NOT HIM) and take it slow and steady.. start with the couch to 5 k or something. If you can't do the actual marathon, you will still have done yourself a lot of good. do as much outside as you can. run to and from school pick ups.. (bring a scooter for the small one) Do this with friends and get your encourgement from them.

Hopefully doing this will give you a much needed confidence boost.
And stop running around after him. Let him do more of his own chores.. He's not appreciating all you do for him and the kids.. its time to up your game. Good luck.

“Told DH what had happened and he laughed, basically said I was too unfit to do it, didn't have the body or the discipline or the diet for it etc”

OP you did well not to react badly to his comments. He sounds more like a toxic parent than a supportive husband.

Stick to your guns and remind him that his football has taken up more time than a few hours training on a Sunday. You’ve never complained about his hobbies so you should be allowed some time to get fit and healthy for something you’ve always wanted to do.

After the marathon, tell him you want to train for some ultra marathons abroad :)

What?
You organised your life around his job and he would not "take" his own children for a day?
Next time fon't ask, just let him know a date you are leaving and unless he is ready to drop them to social service he can parent them.

On another note,is your running friend single?
Maybe you can look into that direction.

Two things:

• he doesn’t want his free time to be compromised in any way (in many households it’s unthinkable to ask a man to be inconvenienced in any way)
• he’s possibly worried that you just might pull this off and complete the damn marathon. He won’t then be able to feel superior to you.

Either way, his reaction sucks and I’m sorry for you. You deserve to have a goal to work towards. He’s your husband and should be supporting you.

I wish you all the best and I hope you smash it out of the park, just to spite him!

Exactly this

Well done you for deciding to have a go at this - and even if you don't make the start line (injuries are a problem) - if you put yourself up against the challenge of preparing or trying to prepare for the marathon then you will have achieved something great - something worthwhile.. and you never know - this could be a moment in your life where you discover the joys of running - so don't define competing and finishing as the only kinds of success - you could get a lot out of this.

Your DH is selfish, short-sighted hypocrite - what does he do to compensate you for all the time you support him and the household when he's away following his passion for football - I think it's time for a bit of a rebalancing in your household - if my wife had said she was going to try to train for a marathon I'd have been impressed and done whatever I could to support her.

I've been a runner for most of my adult life (now ended due to 3 lots of knee surgery) so I know you're going to need a positive mindset and resilience - you can make a start on cultivating that by sticking to your guns and not backing down to your moan-y unsupportive DH of a DH - maybe he's intimidated!

Do it and make sure you enjoy every bit of it.

Congratulations on getting the coveted ballot place and good luck - you have ten months and that’s enough to increase gradually and prevent injury.
Show him!

No you aren't being unreasonable OP. He's being a selfish dick and you should take as much time to yourself as he does. He has 5 hours for a match that takes 1hour 45minutes and you've even dropped him off. Plus sometimes an extra 3 for the pub. He's taking the piss saying you can't have a few hours to yourself. Sorry he's not supporting you OP. Please don't give up on something you want for yourself after all your running around to make things easier for him, just tell him you are doing it.

Do the marathon. Have a great time. Don't listen to him. It's such a stupid attitude - 'you're not fit enough to run it now so you'll never be'. That's not how human bodies work, my friend! He's either very stupid or this is poorly disguised jealousy because you doing something makes him feel threatened.

If he would like to prove his own fitness by tidying the cupboards, he is more than welcome to. He can also pay for a cleaner if the tidying for which you have capacity is not up to scratch. You do not exist to tidy up for him. I'm sure he can manage to fold some clothes after his seven hour workday as well.

Seriously - when people show you who they are, believe them. I'm not saying leave him now, but you've now got a taste of how he views you and it's a bit grim. Hopefully he gets his act together.

He sounds like a complete chauvinist.
Please take care of yourself OP
Good luck, don't let him put you down

Tell him to go fuck himself, and you go run marathons all over the world 🌎

Yes "just do it". That's easy to say. Well I have done a marathon this year and I regularly run 30-40km per week.
I trained for 14 weeks and went from 4 hours running per week to about 10 hours per week at the end. With warms ups and stretching you can add 25%. Moving up to eating 3.500 calories per day ect. The whole event is totally consuming.
Unless you are happy with a time akin to walking around (5 hours plus) I would say your DP is correct, you are deluded.

I never cease to be amazed at the inequality some women put up with in their relationships!

FFS. He just doesn’t want to take on extra childcare and household tasks while you train.

Congrats on getting in, you’ll smash it!