Disappointed in DH's reaction

[Roundandround1985]

Not sure if i am being used reasonable or if DH has a point. I may be slightly blinkered

A friend and I at work both balloted for the London marathon. He's a runner and I have been saying for ages I need to start running again and get mt weight under control. To my surprise, we both got in (hence massive panic and lots of goggling on training plans!)

Told DH what had happened and he laughed, basically said I was too unfit to do it, didn't have the body or the discipline or the diet for it etc

When we were talking about it more today, he said i was silly for even considering it. It would be a lot of time and effort away from him and the kids and then it turned into an argument about how I can't keep the house tidy but want to train for a marathon.

The house tidy comment came from the fact that a cupboard isn't as tidy as it should be and I'd left a pile of washing on a bed that I hadn't had chance to put away.

The comments about time away from him is laughable as he goes to football every Saturday during the season, home and away games and I never say anything. He also has various trips away with mates for 4-5 days at a time and again i say nothing

When i said I would be do a lot of the running before work (I wfh 3 days and the youngest starts school in September) so if I am up at 5am I can do a good run on the treadmill quite a few mornings.

I don't know if I'm blinkered about being able to do this or if DH has a point.

So essentially he wants you isolated, submissive and compliant, and he’s willing to piss all over your self esteem if he thinks it will help him achieve his goal. Run (and I don’t mean the marathon, although you should do that too).

You really need a Domestic abuse organisation support.

You are a victim of Coercive control, which is a crime.

Please seek support.
This is not normal.

Oh wow, absolutely no surprises there. He’s threatened by you, and rightly so, he’s weak and pathetic. Why are these adult human males (I refuse to refer to someone like him as a man) surprised when their partners aren’t just dying to have sex with them?

Also if you’re working full time, why should you have to have full responsibility of looking after the kids and the house as well?
Ask him why he thinks he is entitled to a bang maid, what makes him so special?

Stay strong OP - he sounds awful.
Carry on living the life that makes you happy.
Don’t cave in.
Well done so far.

OK, after that ridiculous tirade, you need to make concrete plans to separate. In the meantime, stop having sex with this neanderthal misogynistic arsehole. How fucking dare he tell you that you aren't clever enough to work and look after a family.

There is no coming back from this. He is one of the worst men I've heard about on Mumsnet and, God knows, there is some stiff competition on here. His sheer arrogance and backward views of a woman's place in the home are totally repellent.

Keep your lives separate until you can actually split up properly. Don't do anything for him at all. Go out early at the weekend on your own so he can't just leave the kids to go to football.

Your life will be so much better without him and I'm pretty sure that he won't be able to cope on his own.

He is actively trying to undermine your self-esteem, your confidence, and your personal financial security. He's trying to trap you into staying with him while he carries on living like someone without any responsibilities.

I'd be looking into ending it as quickly as possible. Get legal advice.

Told him if he thinks this is who I am then we have bigger problems

Op, it's not a case of IF. In both his words and actions he has made it clear this is what he expects of you. You can't change him or his mindset, the best thing you can do is take control of what you can change and leave him.

Please keep us posted OP, we are all rooting for you.

Absolute prick.

Big red flags.

Sadly with DH behaving like this (on top of the challenges of your starting point and training with work and DC) it seems unrealistic for you to do the training required for the marathon. It’d seem better to focus on your general health/fitness, your paid work and what you’re going to do about your DH problem.

Tell h you will have plenty of time to train when you ltb and he has the dc 50/50.

Have you asked your husband if he is clever enough to work full time and look after a family and a house?

He wants a bangmaidnanny wife appliance and he's abusive because you're not his servant who bangs him on demand.

Don't leave your job. Do read Why Does He Do That.

Time to lawyer up. Lock up your work computer if you can. He will vandalize anything that could cause you work issues.

Just put of curiosity, is he on red pill sites? It sure sounds like he's extremely misogynistic and wants to control you completely. How did he hide this?

There’s no compromise in this situation for you. These aren’t reasonable requests because everything is focussed on his wants and needs plus he’s using the put downs about your abilities to deter you from progressing. His job, weekends away and days out with the lads must be supported.

Do you have a good network of friends and family?

So he resents your working hours but he's happy to have the money you make as long as you do everything else as well. It's funny how often one thing shows all the flaws in a marriage, now you've seen his selfishness you'll see more and more wrong.
Marriage guidance, divorce or put up with it, your choice

He's shown his true colours. Any decent man would be proud of you and support you.
Tell him if he can't handle you being your own person then your relationship has no future.

Why would you want sex with someone who doesn't respect you ffs.

Whatever you decide to do, do not give up your job. I’d guess you’re definitely going to need it.

He is utterly revolting. I don’t know how you can want to be anywhere near him. The idea of sex with him must make you 🤢 You deserve so much more OP. You are clearly very very capable. Onwards and upwards without him I think?

Jesus Christ. Who are these men? Who the fuck do they think they are? They’re complete failures.

Sounds like your purpose in life is to fully accommodate him. Have no aspirations or career for yourself and make sure everything is running smoothly and conveniently for him. Almost like a servant rather than a life partner.

I couldn't be with someone who expected so much of myself to be restricted to what suits them. Perhaps you are happy with this kind of arrangement, however achieving goals such as the London marathon will absolutely not be possible with this kind of partner. Even if you fully commit, he will sabotage you at every given opportunity.

Seen your updates. Leave this abusive arsehole