Disappointed in DH's reaction

[Roundandround1985]

Not sure if i am being used reasonable or if DH has a point. I may be slightly blinkered

A friend and I at work both balloted for the London marathon. He's a runner and I have been saying for ages I need to start running again and get mt weight under control. To my surprise, we both got in (hence massive panic and lots of goggling on training plans!)

Told DH what had happened and he laughed, basically said I was too unfit to do it, didn't have the body or the discipline or the diet for it etc

When we were talking about it more today, he said i was silly for even considering it. It would be a lot of time and effort away from him and the kids and then it turned into an argument about how I can't keep the house tidy but want to train for a marathon.

The house tidy comment came from the fact that a cupboard isn't as tidy as it should be and I'd left a pile of washing on a bed that I hadn't had chance to put away.

The comments about time away from him is laughable as he goes to football every Saturday during the season, home and away games and I never say anything. He also has various trips away with mates for 4-5 days at a time and again i say nothing

When i said I would be do a lot of the running before work (I wfh 3 days and the youngest starts school in September) so if I am up at 5am I can do a good run on the treadmill quite a few mornings.

I don't know if I'm blinkered about being able to do this or if DH has a point.

The comments about time away from him is laughable as he goes to football every Saturday during the season, home and away games and I never say anything. He also has various trips away with mates for 4-5 days at a time and again i say nothing

I believe it's time to tell him that you will no longer facilitate his football Saturdays and frequent holidays with his friends since he's not willing to support your fitness goals. You have just as much right to time to yourself and time with your friends as he does. Yet it appears he's getting all of it while you get none.

Find your anger, he is treating you like the housekeeper and nanny who should have no life outside the home.

OMG
You work full time but when you work from home he wants you to skive off and do housework.
The more updates, the more he sounds like a selfish, lazy, self absorbed man, who only cares about himself and his wants and things you are there as his unpaid cook, housekeeper, childminder, valet etc.
You are being far too deferential to him, as you expected equal treatment back, but that is not happening so its time to make him pull his weight.

Argh this makes me so angry!
of course you can do a marathon and train for it just as much as a man or he can.
laughing and mocking you is downright unacceptable and disrespectful. Would he like it if you treated him like that?
and yes you have exactly every right to do it as much as he has. What makes you less worthy than him?

Another selfish arsehole who does the bare minimum and can't bear the thought of you not being fully available.

He's a nasty prick and you need to wake up to the fact.

Do the marathon.
Good luck.

“So angry I actually won it” is my favourite thing I’ve ever read on here.

The OP has 10 months to work up to it, there's no reason why she shouldn't manage it if she wants to.

He’s not nice for laughing but does he have a point? Are you genuinely unfit? Perhaps he just doesn’t want you to set yourself up for disappointment?

OP run that marathon and then keep on running!
Run as fast and as far away as possible from your absolute waste of space husband.

I get what you're trying to say but to use the word deluded feels unkind and unnecessary. It is my belief that all first time marathon runners underestimate the task and so naturally I would count the OP in that but that's not to say that she won't be able to adapt her training to meet what's required. What's the saying, shoot for the moon and even if you miss you'll still land among the stars? I will caveat that with as long as she doesn't get injured, which she'll need good advice and good running shoes to avoid. Sure, encourage new runners to respect the distance but we can do that with kindness for a better result.

If he finishes at 2pm every day why isn't he doing housework or admin when he gets home? Does he just sit around and maybe do a school run until you get home and take over?

You have much bigger problems than training for a marathon.

Yeah others have called it out already and I'll add to the chorus:

• you are doing way more than him already and he already gets to have loads of time doing what he enjoys away from family so it is ridiculously selfish of him not to support your goal. So funny that he gets to insist on 'family time' whenever he has nothing away from the family that he wants to do - I guess that forces you to always be on duty as a parent and always be at his beck and call!
• It is ridiculous that he expects you to do housework when you are working from home. A strong conversation is needed with him about this.
• If the house not being tidy enough for him is a reason for not doing activities he should bloody well be reducing his own activities. He clearly sees this as your job, despite your full time work (and incidentally it would still not be just your job even if you worked only part time, or indeed even if you were a SAHM).
• It als sounds rubbish that he's so negative about your body, diet etc and claiming you won't be able to do a marathon as a result. Really overweight people manage to run marathons. Really unhealthy people can build up to the right level of fitness. You don't need to be some elite sportsperson who eats well all the time to run a marathon (I certainly never gave up takeaways when I trained for one a few years ago...) So how inaccurate, dismissive and rude he is being here!

It sounds like there are worse problems in your marriage than just this one running issue.

He sounds like an ungrateful, piss-taking muppet! I hope he has a heck of a lot of redeeming qualities.

I hope you run the race, smash out a PB to the cheers of your friends and family, and then dump your lazy ass DH right on the finish line.

Yo him you're just his slave and his prisoner!! I'd rather be single!!

He sounds like a real drain, do you actually love him? If so I'd be implementing serious changes

Meant to not yo

He sounds an absolute catch doesn't he, I'm going to guess he nitpicks at everything you do, and you have possibly become so used to it that you now doubt your own thoughts & feelings. Only you can decide what to do in this situation but personally I would be running (far away from this marriage)

In reply to the quoted post by @DrMorbius - 5 hours isn't "walking around". Even at a brisk walking pace of 4 miles an hour, 26 miles would take six and a half hours.

I'm a runner, I've done marathons and ultras, and I'd never underestimate the distance and the challenge, but I find the word "deluded" unkind and untrue.

Edited - the quoted post disappeared, for some reason, but it's clear which one I'm referring to.

Agree with this 100%, nobody could walk a marathon in 5 hours. If OP did end up training for it and ran it in 5 hours that is a massive achievement!

Fully agree. Ive run multiple marathons and would never consider 11/12 minute miles as akin to walking, and apart from the last few weeks would hardly describe my marathons and training as "totally consuming".

OP, this is totally possible for you. Please don't fold yourself into his routine but things like running to work, then showering and changing in office, running on my lunch break etc were easy ways I built up my time and got my sessions in. Also take some time to look at warm ups, cool downs and weight routines that can supplement and support your joints. You can absolutely do this if you put your mind to it, as someone who has run several. And what's the worst that would happen if you try? You build your fitness, carve out time for yourself and hopefully have some fun.

This has probably already occurred to you OP but maybe set in between goals - pick a parkrun date to aim for for 5k, book in a 10k race to work towards, and then a half marathon.

Can you do some runs with your friend from work? If he's a more experienced runner you could just join him for part of his long runs, doesn't have to be all or nothing. Know some routes too - it really helped me when someone gave advice like "head up x Street to Y pub, left down to the round about, left then past Tescos and back past the park is 8k." Made it feel so much more manageable than working it out from scratch. Also things like just getting the bus / tram somewhere and running back, extending it a bit each time.

OP, other married women with children run marathons. Why does your husband feel he is so much less capable of coping than their husbands?

I suppose it's good that he knows he is a crap husband/parent, but I'm not sure why he thinks that is your problem to solve for him?

Op, he’s a selfish fucking bastard and I’m so angry for you. Write a list of time he has spent at football in the last two years, add in x Sunday outings, write you promised to be here and help more and you lied. I have supported you endlessly, and I am running out of chances to give you to support me for a change. I am training for a marathon, and I am saying to everyone we know it will take a fraction of the time from our family that your hobbies and social life do, and I’m starting by going away for 3 days shortly to do some kick starter training as if you want to be in this marriage you do not get to be the only one in this marriage who gets supported to go away solo. Stop being so fucking selfish, realize how lucky you are, and support me for a change.if you need transactional financial thinking consider it investing in not being alone and miserable in your old age.

hand him the list. Book a few days away. Tell him you do not give a shit what his work schedule is like then, and you are going.

The comment about the op doubting her own thoughts is exactly what has happened as otherwise this thread would never have been written.

because someone in a healthy relationship would have just responded with a laugh and ‘don’t be absurd, Tim, you’ve had hours off every week for years for football, how can it possibly not be fair that I take a few hours off now.’

This horrible, spiteful cunt is negging you. Awful. It’s abusive.

Is the inadequate man threatened because he sees running as ‘his’ thing and he’s worried you might do something amazing?

I expect WHEN you cross the finish line, this prick will pick on you for your time.

Is he like this in other ways?