Extremely uncomfortable about what my boyfriend has done to ‘cheer’ me up

[JasmineD]

I’ve had a rough couple of weeks; an elderly relative’s health has deteriorated and I’ve had some issues with my job.

My boyfriend told me earlier in the week that he is going to do something to cheer me up, and then started hinting at a gift he has got me and kept saying how much I’d like it.

I went to his last night, after dinner he gave me a gift bag and something was really neatly wrapped. I opened it and it was an underwear set.

He must have been able to tell I looked unimpressed and said he’d put a lot of thought into it and got ‘advice’. Now he doesn’t have any close female friends so I’m not sure who this advice was from - it only leaves work colleagues or family (he has two sisters and a mum he’s very close to).

It then transpired this item was a size too small for me, and when I pointed this out he said he went by what was in my draw. I have an old outfit in there which is buried at the bottom and I’ve not worn for years. So he had gone through without my knowledge looking for something similar and got the size wrong.

I don’t really wear this sort of thing now (and this is that cheap/scratchy feel material too!) but that’s beyond the point - I feel a bit gross that he thought this was an appropriate present to ‘cheer me up’?

He sounds clueless.

This is a gift for him.

If you bought him a gift, you’d think of his favourite bands, his sports team, his car or bike, something sentimental, something he likes to eat or enjoy.

This is nothing like that. He’s put another burden on you in wanting you to dress up. Thanks, mate. 🙄

Hmm. @JasmineD

That sounds like a present to cheer him up.

And who gives advice like "oh your gf is feeling crap, why not buy her some scratchy underwear to wear for your benefit, she will love that".

He bought himself a present more like. That's crap 😕

What a dick move. Next time he needs cheering up get him a mop and a pair of marigolds.

What a pillock. There's only one reason he bought that and it wasn't to cheer you up.

Dick move. How is the relationship otherwise?

Buy some boxers and a vest top in your size. And wear them to bed every night....

So he knew you were going through some really tough times, and he thought to capitalise on that by guilting you into having sex with him?

I presume it wasn't a standard M&S everyday multipack - and he somehow just thought that you'd had so much on your mind recently that you hadn't had chance to buy any new pants?

He's tried to get something and got it a bit wrong; you seem angry that he got it wrong. I'm not sure why it's such a drama for you. Given you clearly aren't keen on him, it's much better to just break up rather than awkwardly bustling along. It can't be any fun spending time with someone you fundamentally don't want to be with, and it's no good for him either.

Actual “wear” underwear or sex underwear?

Both quite clueless, but the motivations will be different.

Also, it seems that you are mostly bothered about him rifling through your stuff , in which case that’s a very reasonable boundary to have and you should tell him it upset you and not to do it again.

You should have said 'Thanks, put it on then, the laugh will really cheer me up. ...What? Its for me to wear? How will that make me feel better? Oh so its a gift for yourself then?'

He's training you, early on. So that any time you have a problem or a stressful situation,you'll know damn well that you cannot count on him for support and understanding. Only the explicit (!) implication that what he wants from you, how he wants you to be for him, takes priority over everything.

I would genuinely split with him. He has the emotional depth of a paddling pool and, as always, you are worth more.

Flip it around: if it had been him going through challenging circumstances and you had gone on and on about something you were going to do to make him feel a whole load better - and then you presented him with a nicely-wrapped pack of Y-fronts... how do you see that playing out?

I know it is personal taste, but I don’t necessarily agree with pp saying this is a gift for him.

One of my ‘things’ is that I wear matching, lacy underwear everyday. My other half often buys me sets and it’s definitely a gift for me as much as it is for him (if not more).

He bought you a gift to try and cheer you up. It might not be your thing, but I’d far rather a partner who noticed I needed a pick up (and maybe got it wrong) than one who didn’t notice and/or bother.

I just want to ask - has any man ever, been cheered up, when going through a tough time, by a pair of ill fitting boxers? If not, then why would the equivalent be thought to cheer up a woman?!

He bought himself a gift and is upset you don’t like it….. ummm

@Itsrainingatlast , I don't think it was a bra and knickers set for wearing day-by-day.

(There's no need to let us know that you really do wear scratchy ctotchless underwear in a size too small. You do you.)

It was crotchless, so certainly not every day wear for me.

Was the item he'd found in your drawer similar? Or just of the same size?

Even if he genuinely had wanted to buy her an undies set to cheer her up, paying no thought to him getting sex as a result; does he really think that women are very simple creatures who can just be distracted from emotionally tough times with a pretty new underwear set?

It's very patronising: it's the equivalent of offering a little kid a lollipop to stop them overdramatically screaming when they've fallen over and slightly grazed their knee.

So, you are to be cheered up by scratchy underwear a size too small that will be uncomfortable for you, but a treat for him, as he sees it?

I'd be unimpressed too. Thoughtless and clueless at best, completely unsupportive and selfish at worst.

Does he understand a) that it is crap and b) why? There really has been no sad and difficult situation in my life that could possibly ever have been improved by the presence of knickers with no fucking gusset in them.

LTB. That’s just gross. Says a lot about where your emotional needs come in the pecking order…far, far below his sexual needs.

So you’ve been having a bad time and not only did he get you a present which was for him not you, he got the wrong size, and he got a cheap crappy itchy gross version.

Oh dear oh dear. Chuck him back in x

(Of course, YANBU)