Extremely uncomfortable about what my boyfriend has done to ‘cheer’ me up

[JasmineD]

I’ve had a rough couple of weeks; an elderly relative’s health has deteriorated and I’ve had some issues with my job.

My boyfriend told me earlier in the week that he is going to do something to cheer me up, and then started hinting at a gift he has got me and kept saying how much I’d like it.

I went to his last night, after dinner he gave me a gift bag and something was really neatly wrapped. I opened it and it was an underwear set.

He must have been able to tell I looked unimpressed and said he’d put a lot of thought into it and got ‘advice’. Now he doesn’t have any close female friends so I’m not sure who this advice was from - it only leaves work colleagues or family (he has two sisters and a mum he’s very close to).

It then transpired this item was a size too small for me, and when I pointed this out he said he went by what was in my draw. I have an old outfit in there which is buried at the bottom and I’ve not worn for years. So he had gone through without my knowledge looking for something similar and got the size wrong.

I don’t really wear this sort of thing now (and this is that cheap/scratchy feel material too!) but that’s beyond the point - I feel a bit gross that he thought this was an appropriate present to ‘cheer me up’?

YANBU
The equivalent would be you buying him the ingredients to cook you dinner.

What goes on in some women's heads that they keep making excuses for these patterns.

Vile. However, considering the heat today….
Just wondering how old this man is?
Ate men still into this scratchy gear, seems a bit outdated to me?

Brilliant 😂

Wearing uncomfortable crotchless underwear etc is not an everyday thing, it's an unspoken expectation of sex. Buying underwear like this for a partner is literally a request for sex.

Exactly right.
Absolutely appalling.
No thought about you.
All about him.

And brainless.
Nothing says you care more than itchy scratchy undies.

Surely he’s like this generally though

no way he’s a sophisticated young man, reading high end literature at bedtime, suddenly coming home with a crotchless gift 🤔

I was thinking the same because I love nice underwear and buy it for myself all time even though I'm single. It makes me feel put together and good about myself, even though only I see it! Perhaps his sisters (or whoever gave the advice) have said the same thing?

I suppose if my theoretical bf bought me a video game to cheer me up, I wouldn't be all that thrilled though because that's not my thing and I'd expect him to know me better. That's what would annoy me more than the actual gift - the complete inappropriateness for me and my interests

It's not necessarily a sleezy gift, though.

Crotchless underwear isn't a normal everyday thing women wear.

Exactly, it's depressing how they have such a low bar and seem almost proud of their husbands for being so inept.

Tell him to take it back and swap it for a duffel coat!

@JasmineD

Oh lord. If my chap rifled through my underwear drawer he would bin the lot and go out and buy up the entire underwear section (he would know to buy size 14/16) of our nearest M & S.

There's a time and a place for crotchless underwear but not sure there's ever a time and a place for scratchy crotchless underwear that's a size too small. Only you know whether he's a keeper or not, in spite of this latest development. But his thinking brain had definitely migrated between his legs when he was choosing this lovely gift. If I was you, I'd take to wearing Bridget Jones big pants and see what happens. Hope work and your elderly relative's health both improve. x

I initially voted YABU as he was just trying to do something nice, albeit way off the mark, but having read this post then OMG NO!! That's not a cheering up present!

Communication is important. You need to just say thanks for trying but this really isn't me.

Crotchless underwear is absolutely a sleazy gift.

What's wrong with a box of chocolates?

It is sleazy in these cirumstances though, and completely thoughtless. OP is stressed and worried about an ill relative, the last thing she needs from this man is the expectation of sex.

She has an unwell relative & problems at work. Scratchy 'sexy' underwear for his benefit is not 'trying' FFS

This is control. Your attention has not been on him. How dare you. He's bought a "present" that forces you to bring the attention back to him through the performance of wearing this item and sexy feels you will be expected to have wearing them, and of course the ensuing sex. If you don't like them or refuse, you will be an ungrateful bitch who is rejecting his attempts to cheer you up and comfort you with his penis, and you deserve to be alone. You will capitulate because you will be made to feel bad (or that's his plan), and the last thing you need at a time of already dual distress is to triplicate it with a break up. Win, win for him. He either gets to fuck you in an item that repulses you, or he gets to be the wounded good guy who tried to cheer you up and was rejected. Either way, you and your feelings are the furthest thing from his mind.

Throw this one back, OP. Preferably into a well so that no other poor woman ends up with the wanker.

As I’m in what I realise now to be a privileged position of not needing a man for anything whatsoever, this is absolutely a dumpable offence for me.
youve never worn these in your time together, so a bit of thought from him would have given him the clue that they’re not something you would choose to wear. So it is entirely a present for himself. Or, possibly worse, he thinks you will enjoy putting them on for his benefit. And that’s utterly shit isn’t it. That he thinks you should get your pleasure out of pleasing him.

"It would cheer me up no end to see YOU wear it Bob!"

How long have you been together?
I had an ex that I had been on a couple of dates with that I mentioned as a joke one evening something about spanking, like it was totally a joke in the context of a joke and I had thought nothing more of it until the next date and he bought me a gift wrapped paddle. I was mortified 😂
Turns out he was into a bit of s and m and I really wasn't.. we didnt last long after that😂

Why would someone's reading preferences translate to their sexual proclivities?

Many a public school boy has entered a sex dungeon, no doubt. Perhaps even whilst reading Sophocles or Homer at the same time, who knows? It could be a niche kink - getting whiplashed by a woman in bondage gear whilst reading about Penelope dutifully unpicking that day's weaving.

This isn’t talking about every day underwear but the “sexy” uncomfortable stuff

I don't think crotchless knickers are normal underwear, the crotch part not being there is for a very definite and obvious reason.

It's a shame his gift/idea has backfired, but I can understand how it’s made you uncomfortable and I think I’d feel the same. It's the sense that it’s meant to be a gift for your to soothe and cheer you whilst you are going through a rough time, but it seems based in what he would like and is a reward for him. On one level it’s the classical mis-match between the male & female pov, but it also really indicates, imo, that he doesn’t really know you, as an individual all that well…. he’s on a different page to you in your current situation although he seems to have meant well. This could definitely be used to talk about how well he knows you and your needs & vice versa.