Would this have offended you? DP comment in shop

[Heath78]

DP and I were doing a shop yesterday afternoon and walked down an aisle where we passed a woman who was picking something up for her child. She was in these sort of tight fitting trousers which were very flattering for her admittedly lovely backside.

When we passed and were out of earshot, DP turned to me and asked if I could buy trousers like that. I asked if he knew what the style was called and he said he didn’t , but he ‘just liked the view’.

He knows I am slightly self conscious with my weight, and wouldn’t wear anything really tight.

I suppose what I’m asking is, I think he wasn’t making an observation at her fashion choice, but was being sleazy about her appearance and made me feel bad in the process. Would you have been offended at this too?

Ok, I can see why we are on different sides of this. You are someone that thinks lying is acceptable in a relationship.And in an instance like this, the lie would be so pointless as they were both checking out the same arse!

It's a shame that you don't seem to see that a recommendation is more likely to come from a place of 'I think you would look good in that' rather than 'I want you to look like someone else'. It's also a shame that you wouldn't appreciate someone taking the time to make a suggestion about something you wear that you might not consider yourself. It can actually be really positive, because we all have our own hang ups. Other people don't see us the way we see ourselves, and sometimes trying something we wouldn't choose for ourselves can help us expand our choices in a really positive way!

I would find absolutely infuriating if I saw my partner checking out someone's bum (which from time to time is quite normal) and he denied it. That's just gaslighting.

Can imagine many a thread on MN exists about husbands doing that and lying about it. Very silly to think this is a good idea.

The problem is, that’s not what happened in the OP.

Firstly, OP and her DP don’t appear to have been together very long - they aren’t married. So, does that hold the same expectation that he know what clothes someone does or doesn’t wear? People change clothes and fashion sense over time - while there are things people would never wear (I can’t pull off a midi skirt, floor length or mini works, anything in the middle is awful) it would take a long time for someone to figure that out through observation alone because it would need to cycle through several fashions.

You’ve said you’d be upset if it was a body shape that was different to yours. But the OP doesn’t say that. And the DP clearly thinks that it was close enough in body shape to achieve the same effect on OP than on nice-bum-lady.

I don’t know why you think I’m finding it difficult to grasp something completely different from what was said. I didn’t say anything about you asking your DH if he finds women attractive. Where does this accusation come from?

Gaslighting has a definition. It meets it. It’s not really something you can have a differing opinion on.

I think you are making plenty of assumptions that may not be true, and disregarding things the OP says that are definitely true.

Neither of us have any idea how long the OP and her partner have been together. There's no suggestion that it hasn't been very long.

Does he know what clothes she might wear? Well the OP says he does:

He knows I am slightly self conscious with my weight, and wouldn’t wear anything really tight.

You say the DP clearly thinks that it was close enough in body shape to achieve the same effect on OP than on nice-bum-lady. Again, that is not at all clear from the OP's post. He knows she wouldn't wear anything really tight and that she is self-conscious about her weight and he is recommending a tight skirt to her. Yes, that could be the words of a man who is so smitten with the OP that he will always find her gorgeous. Or it could be a really insensitive or deliberately mean comment about her weight or attractiveness.

And who else suspects it might be insensitive and mean? The OP herself:

I think he wasn’t making an observation at her fashion choice, but was being sleazy about her appearance and made me feel bad in the process.

And You’ve said you’d be upset if it was a body shape that was different to yours. But the OP doesn’t say that.

She says the woman had a "lovely backside" whereas she is "self conscious with my weight, and wouldn’t wear anything really tight."

You also don't refer to the fact that he said he "liked the view." Not that he liked the skirt, but that he liked the view. That's a phrase being used to show that the OP's partner finds the woman attractive. That's where this accusation comes from.

So, in short, bollocks.

I think it's ridiculous to think I believe "lying is acceptable in a relationship." I don't.

But I don't believe a polite compliment, told to save your feelings, is a lie. If I've dressed myself up to go out but I look in the mirror and think I look a bit tired and flabby, I don't need to be told I look a bit tired and flabby. I would rather be told I look beautiful.

We simply won’t see eye to eye and we’re extremely close to becoming unpleasant to one another (which is, unfortunately, the choice you have made).

If you cannot converse civilly, I don’t intend to speak to you. I’ve already dealt with extreme nastiness from the only other poster who has held your view - I don’t intend to enter into the same with you.

There is no need to be nasty simply because your personal preference is illogical. I just don’t think it’s fair to try and taint OP’s relationship with unusual warped perceptions of relationship norms -especially ones that are undeniably classified as abusive.

It's interesting that you refuse to argue any of the points from my post where I've pointed out where you have misinterpreted or misunderstood the OP.

You don't seem to have entered the debate with good intent, just as you didn't with a previous poster. But well done for getting both of us to swear in frustration at your disingenuous technique.

Yip I’d step away from this one, it’s not worth it 😅

You think it's ridiculous to think that you believe lying is acceptable in a relationship?

And yet you said 'And then fourthly, if his partner questions him about it - if she says "were you staring at that woman's bum?" then, yes, he should lie. Of course he should lie!'??

This isn't some in person conversation where you can try to make me believe that you didn't say what you actually said. Your words are literally quoted in the post I wrote.

Tell me why it's ridiculous to think that, when you literally said 'yes, he should lie. Of course he should lie!'

Because it is a white lie, a nothing lie, a "does my bum look big in this?" lie, a "thanks for dinner, it was delicious" lie.

There are lies and lies and most people know the difference.

So therefore you think lying is acceptable within a relationship. Just within certain parameters of what you decide is ok.

And to you, it's ok to lie to a partner when the lie is blatant, such as in this case where BOTH PARTIES were looking at the same arse.

Whereas for me, that blatant lie would be much more of an issue than the truth. That would make me wonder what else he would lie about, and would undermine the trust built in the relationship. The truth of 'yes, she has a great arse, I think those trousers would look great on yours' is much more of a compliment than the 'no, I wasn't looking. Honest guv' pretence that you would prefer.

You seem to see the world in very black and white terms, very much like the other poster on this thread. Can you really see no instances when it would be polite and kind to tell a white lie rather than the truth?

"I stayed up until midnight icing that surprise birthday cake I made you! Did oyu like it?"

"Not really, it was a bit dry and disappointing."

You also seem to make similarly bold assertions about what's true and what's not, based on no evidence.

For example, when you say:

Yes, she has a great arse, I think those trousers would look great on yours

that isn't at all what he said. Why are you suggesting it was?

When someone says they're 'enjoying the view', there is not a snowball in hell's chance that they're referring to trousers.

In a relationship...or indeed, in life.... it's best not verbalise every thought you have.

I love how you are twisting this 🤣

It's not 'grey' to say 'he should lie' and then 'it's ridiculous to say I think people should lie'. That's two opposing black and white views all from one person. And the lie there is NOTHING like pretending you liked a cake. Well, I guess it is if you can clearly see they spat out the cake, and then they lied about it. And at that point, why bother?

And why do you think that he lead with 'you should get those trousers', if not because he thinks his other half would look great on her?

Do you think he did it to wind her up? Because he doesn't want to see her arse in those trousers? You are doing exactly what you are accusing others of, making bold assertions yourself as to his motive. And at least I've been consistent. I've not said something and then said the opposite and then scrabbled around making assumptions about the person that pointed it out in order to somehow justify it.

Well, I have a really good reason to suspect he may have been doing it to wind her up, which is because the OP, who was actually there, thinks the same:

I think he wasn’t making an observation at her fashion choice, but was being sleazy about her appearance and made me feel bad in the process

Why don't you believe the OP? Why are you twisting what she said?

I haven't twisted anything op has said, and I (plus at least one other person) have already answered that question.

Oh, and where did the op say he was doing it to wind her up? I think you've just made that up.

Don’t bother. It’s absolutely evident that those two are the same person (or best friends) on different accounts. …and extremely nasty when you won’t accept their ever-changing views.

Bold as anything will say one thing and then completely deny it a moment later. There can’t possibly be two so similar…

No, what I've done is seen what the OP wrote and used my understanding of a thing called "subtext" to figure out what may have happened. But, as you don't seem to understand nuance or subtlety, this may have gone over your head.

(And, to be clear, I didn't say he was winding her up, I said he could be winding her up, based on what she actually said.)

So, when you say things that aren’t in the OP it’s “subtext” but when someone else does it, that’s “inventing”… one rule for thee…

No, because I am very clearly stating it as a possibility (it "may" be happening) whereas you (and, coincidentally, your fellow poster) are asserting things as fact.

No. That’s not true. You said OP thinks it because OP said so in her OP. No might, no may, no doubt. You’re lying again, and being a hypocrite again.

The problem with viewing the world from up there so high on your high horse is that the distance is obscuring your view of reality and the altitude sickness is impacting your ability to think rationally.

If you’re referring to me, don’t bother. I don’t take the internet seriously enough to run 2 accounts on this site and spend my day commenting on something that really isn’t that deep 😂
You on the other hand…..

And yet you seem to be very good at ignoring the context and subtext that doesn't suit your arguement. And the context and subtext that I have been considering when looking at this, doesn't need a lot of subtlety and nuance. I guess that's why I find it difficult to support a version of events that does.

As for you once again backtracking, implying that you haven't said something that you absolutely have - well, you do you.

All we have to go on about what happened is what the OP says in her one post.

1. She reports him saying "I really like the view."

2. She also says: "I think he wasn’t making an observation at her fashion choice, but was being sleazy about her appearance and made me feel bad in the process."

You (and your fellow poster) assert this means her partner was making a positive comment about wanting to see the OP in a similar skirt.

This is an unreasonable interpretation, not supported by the OP's post.

You cannot engage with either of the two points because there is nothing to support your assertion.

Ah, edited highlights. A great way to miss out important context. And nowhere do those highlights say that op thinks he was trying to wind her up. Funny that!

I'm not going to repeat myself. I've heard the basis of your argument, which you keep repeating.

I'm completely fine with you disagreeing with me (even if you don't seem to remember what I actually said). It's all the saying something and then denying it that's keeping me on the thread now. 😁