Would this have offended you? DP comment in shop

[Heath78]

DP and I were doing a shop yesterday afternoon and walked down an aisle where we passed a woman who was picking something up for her child. She was in these sort of tight fitting trousers which were very flattering for her admittedly lovely backside.

When we passed and were out of earshot, DP turned to me and asked if I could buy trousers like that. I asked if he knew what the style was called and he said he didn’t , but he ‘just liked the view’.

He knows I am slightly self conscious with my weight, and wouldn’t wear anything really tight.

I suppose what I’m asking is, I think he wasn’t making an observation at her fashion choice, but was being sleazy about her appearance and made me feel bad in the process. Would you have been offended at this too?

I don’t think my “feelings” are any bigger than yours deary.

Of the two of us, I’m not sure the insecure one is the one saying I’m confident my DH wants me regardless of who else is about rather than the one who genuinely believes her DH doesn’t see any other woman as attractive. Lord above, either he’s done a right number on you or you’ve done a right number on him

Not even when he thinks that his OHs bum would look just as good? Because op noticed the bum too, don't forget. So when he suggests that she gets the same trousers, is he then supposed to pretend he didn't notice that, when she questions him further?

So you are advocating that he does what at that point? Lie?

Well he doesn’t blatantly eye them up because I’ve never seen him do it 🤣 but also I don’t eye other men up so it’s perfectly feasible.

No you’re coming across with really strong opinions on someone you don’t actually know. My husband has never commented on another woman’s looks to me, maybe he does find other people attractive but he doesn’t say it because why would he? Women can feel insecure for a number of reasons, hormones, trauma etc you don’t have to be an “insecure” woman. If you need your partner to comment on other women’s appearance but still “stay with you” to feel secure then crack on I guess. I’m glad I’m in my relationship where that doesn’t happen.

As I said, my opinion has been no stronger than yours. The hypocrisy from you is utterly, utterly astounding. you have expressed extremely strong views on me, other posters, OP and her partner… and, frankly, all based on a very warped perception of societal norms and twisting what’s been said.

At no point did I say I “need” my husband to comment on other women. That’s just another example of you needing to change what’s been said to try and make your bizarre interpretation remotely feasible. You have invented things, twisted what’s been said and outright lied to try and find any way that you can pretend that what you’re saying is plausible, let alone normal.

And, in true fashion for someone who is lying, deluded and hypocritical, you’re here changing your story. Now it’s not that your DH doesn’t notice other women, it’s just that he doesn’t tell you if he does. And, as I said, most people would rather live in an honest relationship rather than one where your partner is too afraid of your hysterics to say anything.

I know my DH inside out and back-to-front, he knows me like that too. The fact you have no idea at all about this and are left guessing proves that your marriage isn’t one I’d want - like strangers sharing a life. How sad and unfulfilling! I can see why you’re trying to manipulate OP into tanking her relationship too, and why you’ve attacked the secure and well-adjusted people on this thread.

Maybe OP’s upset because he’s found a sneaky way to tell her he finds another woman attractive.

She knows him better than us.

When did it become acceptable to talk about other women’s bodies to your wife? Look but no need to rub it in OP’s nose.

I’m simply replying to your comments, you came at me with the attitude. Sorry I’ve invented things and twisted things? Please go back and read the comments you’ve made to me. You've made some pretty wild assumptions about my relationship and I have retaliated. I’m 99.9% sure my husband isn’t eyeing up other women but you can never been 100% sure, yes that includes you that is adamant your relationship is better than mine because your husband tells you when other women are attractive. All I’m saying is we don’t need to do that to be happy with each other. Your constant picking at my comments and twisting them and deflecting back at me is quite embarrassing and you look slightly unhinged sorry. There’s a level of vitriol in your comments that aren’t in mine and it’s very weird but it’s amusing watching you trying to prove your relationship is better than mine because your husband checks other women out in front of you and mine doesn’t.

It seems to me that he saw another woman’s bum looking good in the trousers and his first thought was that it was your bum he wants to be looking at in the trousers. Sounds like he likes your bum to me.

I don’t think there’s any point to this conversation when you’re clearly determined to lie, twist reality and invent things. It’s not a conversation in good faith because you clearly have no grasp of reality.

You’re the kind of person who comes at other people again and again and again and again, with personal insults, patronising and rude accusations and nasty words - then goes “oh my gosh, stop bullying meeeee” when you realise that you can’t actually justify what you’ve said.

You called me unhinged and then, one word later said “there’s a level of vitriol in your comments that there isn’t in mine”. You know what’s unhinged? That you think you have any moral high-ground whilst behaving the way you have. That you think no one else can see your disgusting behaviour whilst you pretend it isn’t happening. That you change what you think is happening in the space of one word.

if you’re capable of convincing yourself that you’ve not been an extremely and unnecessarily nasty person here, it’s starting to make sense that you’ve convinced yourself that neither you nor your husband notice other people.

I cannot imagine being as nasty as you’ve been and being able to write, with a straight face, that you’ve been a pleasant and decent person. I don’t know what planet you live on.

Again. Please go back and re read your messages to me, you quoted my post first, you called me a liar first, you name called first. It’s really not normal to get so worked up by a strangers opinions on the internet. Nothing I have said in reply to you is anywhere near as bad as what you’ve said to me.

I have read them. As I said, there’s no point having a conversation with someone who has no grasp of reality and is trying to rewrite what happened.

I disagreed with you. I was polite, I didn’t name call. You then began lying and twisting things, and commented on my marriage. I responded with a comment on yours. It went back and forth on that basis with you getting increasingly rude, frustrated, inventive and manipulative. You then called me misogynistic, said I lacked comprehension, and a liar. That was your comment at 15.50 today. I had not called you any names at all. When I responded to that, you then patronised me saying I have “pretty big feelings” and am “weirdly defensive” and I’m insecure.

You are patently lying to say I initiated any of the nastiness in this interaction. You came back again and again and again like a dog with bone. The comments are all there, anyone can read them. You were unnecessarily nasty - and completely out of the tone I spoke to you with. You escalated each time and didn’t like when I responded.

As I said, the comments are all there. For you to bald-faced lie that I called you a name or insulted you first is laughable when everyone (including both of us) can see that it’s a lie. You’re clearly not used to having people stand up to your bullying. I’m sorry that I’m not rolling over like you want, perhaps you’ll think before behaving this way again. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Go back and read your comments for the love of god. We were both polite until you called me and my husband a liar. Your comments have got progressively worse since then and now you’re trying to turn it round on me. You’re seriously embarrassing yourself here so just stop honestly and go to bed. Even now you’ve sent 3 long nasty, vindictive messages and I’m not going to bite.

I called you misogynistic after you insinuated that I’m a complete ball buster to my husband.

I did. I went back, read them, and recounted them to you. You're the one trying to turn around when it's all there in black and white! Are you confusing me with the poster who called you deluded before you started laying into me for no reason?

Even after you were incredibly nasty, repeatedly, you said my comments were full of vitriol and yours weren't - one word after calling me unhinged!

I'm not the one embarrassing myself. And no, I won't go to bed when you tell me to. You're providing that I'm exactly right that you're not used to being told no. No, I won't put up with your nastiness in silence. No, I won't allow you to rewrite what happened. No, I won't pretend anyone other than you started this. No, I won't take responsibility for your lies. No, I won't accept your warped version of events. And no, I don't believe your DH doesn't notice other women (or that you don't notice other men). No. It's a word people use sometimes when they aren't scared of you even though you're a bully.

Biology isn’t my strong point so correct me if I’m wrong but surely the male equivalent of a woman’s arse is in fact a bloke’s arse?

Yes the messages are there in black and white. And I’m sorry but you’re really, really coming across as unhinged. And that’s not me being nasty this is genuinely the most bizarre interaction I’ve had on this site.

Yes, exactly.

I'm really not the unhinged one. You keep saying things that aren't true.

Example 1:
You said "you namecalled first". When I pointed out that I didn't, in fact, name call first and outlined exactly how the messages went, you said "Go back and read your comments for the love of god."... you then admitted you did, actually, namecall first and justified it because I "insinuated" things about you... So, you namecalled, accused me of namecalling first, doubled-down on that accusation, then admitted it was wrong - all while insisting your version of events is true.

Example 2:
You invented that I "need" my husband to check out other women. And when I pointed out you were making up lies, you doubled-down and got aggressive and rude.

Example 3:
You said "you look slightly unhinged sorry. There’s a level of vitriol in your comments that aren’t in mine". You called me unhinged and then immediately denied any vitriol in your comments.

I could continue on with things you've said that are untrue or absurd. I'm not the unhinged one in this interaction. But you're right, you're used to people just ignoring you because it's easier to ignore bullies than stand up to them.

I started writing out a reply with all the very blatant examples that you started the nastiness first but there’s no point. You’ve deluded yourself into thinking I’m the bad one and are now trying to gaslight me. I’m not arguing with you anymore because you’re an absolute psychopath. Your poor husband (if there even is one, I doubt it at this point).

How convenient... You were just all set to prove me wrong and had a change of heart when it came to the evidence... DH and I are very happy - and don't feel the need to lie to each other every day to keep the peace.

So you keep saying love 😉 have a nice evening.

Checklist of psychopathic behaviour.

• Glibness/superficial charm
• Grandiose sense of self-worth
• Pathological lying
• Conning/manipulative
• Lack of remorse or guilt
• Poor behavioral controls
• Failure to accept responsibility for one's own actions

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/psychopathy

You calling me a psychopath after your behaviour is laughable... "have a nice evening" indeed.

Well, firstly, what I actually think he should have done is not recommend a pair of trousers to his partner who says she would never wear that style.

Secondly, he shouldn't recommend a pair of trousers to his partner who says she would never wear that style because she is self-conscious about her weight.

Thirdly, he shouldn't recommend a pair of trousers to his partner who says she would never wear that style because she is self-conscious about her weight, when he has just been staring at a woman in them who had a "lovely backside".

And then fourthly, if his partner questions him about it - if she says "were you staring at that woman's bum?" then, yes, he should lie. Of course he should lie!

I honestly don’t understand your mindset here.

How can he possibly know what style of trousers OP would and would not consider wearing without being allowed to talk about trousers? How is he supposed to know OP’s thoughts on how those trousers interact with her thoughts about her own weight if he’s not allowed to talk about trousers with her? Your entire premise here is that he should know what’s going on inside OP’s head but he’s not allowed to ask about it. I can somewhat understand the point about not raising it at that exact moment except for the fact that they were both staring at her bum and both had the same thought.

And no, husbands should not lie to, gaslight and patronise their wives - do you think if OP came here and said she and her DP were both staring at a woman’s bum and when she raised it, he lied and said he wasn’t, you’d say “good on him for lying to you” and that she’s unreasonable for not wanting to be lied to? She knew he was staring and she was also staring - what would lying achieve? And why would that be commendable?

Can you honestly name one single benefit of lying when both of them know it’s a lie?

Maybe I've just been married too long, but between us we have a good idea of what the other would wear and why. I would be pretty disappointed if I was recommended a pair of figure-hugging trousers or a low-cut top because they are not clothes I would normally wear. My mood would not be improved by seeing someone with a different body shape to mine filling out those clothes in a way that I couldn't. And it certainly wouldn't be improved by knowing that the recommendation had been prompted by seeing someone with a lovely bum filling those clothes appropriately, especially by anyone using the phrase "I was just enjoying the view."

I really don't see how this is difficult to grasp. I don't go around asking "do you find that woman attractive? "More attractive than me?" "Has she got a nicer bum than mine, do you think?" I don't see what is achieved by asking those questions of a partner and I definitely wouldn't want to hear the brutally honest answer.

I don't think that's gaslighting or patronising.