To wonder what it’s like to be with a man like this…

[Alltheminicerealsgoneinoneday]

One who looks after you, cooks you dinner or even makes you a drink. One who takes the mental load off you, sorts the bills etc. A man who takes care of you when you’re ill, tells you to go to bed and have a rest when you’re tired/overwhelmed. A man who you can sit and have interesting and intelligent conversations and debates with, a man who teaches you something.
To wonder what it’s like to have a man who spontaneously cuddles you and who you still love properly kissing with, to be with a man who takes the initiative and plans/books something for you both or as a family. A fun man with a positive outlook and a lust for life, a guy who doesn’t smoke or drink excessively or take drugs, a man who plays sports and has a great friendship circle. A man who makes you laugh and is witty and sharp, a kind man who loves dogs
To wonder what it’s like to be with a man who listens to you, cares and offers advice, a man who has always got your back and defends you.

To wonder what it’s like to be with a man like this..it must be like winning the lottery to be this cared for and loved

Someone with all those qualities would, indeed, be perfect. So long as you’re ticking all the boxes and giving him perfection too, it’s the foundation for a great relationship.

My DH is pretty much this except for the cooking but I love cooking so that’s ok. He also LOVES clothes shopping! Especially clothes shopping for me. He works in fashion though so that’s why. He’s a gem and I’m very lucky to have found him 🥰

No one is ever truly ‘trapped’, they just feel they are until the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back and then they suddenly see there can be a very different future ahead. Start planning now - you do not need to be with this man for the rest of your life.

I’m more curious what he was like when you met him? Presumably he was very different?

I'm surprised if any man or woman is all those things tbh. Seems a bit unrealistic.

For example lots of people don't like sport, don't have many friends and can be a bit grumpy sometimes.

As long as someone is pretty decent, that's the best you can hope for I think.

I’m no catch looks wise. But, most of the men I’ve had relationships with and my blood male relatives did/do most of the things you’ve mentioned (maybe not 100% of the time but more often than not). They are after all mostly a list of how a decent and responsible adult looks after themselves and significant others.

You need to be wondering why you stay in a relationship with a man who doesn’t do the things on your list?

A lot of this. More of it 20 years ago. He's past 50, so his cracks are showing a bit now.
I'm not perfect either though. I was more perfect 20 years ago too. The bf 2 bfs before dh was a goodun, but I just stopped fancying him.

I wouldn't say it's winning the lottery though, it's just not settling. I have had shit men, so I knew what to avoid. I also have high standards for myself, so a bloke has to meet them.

Life is not a Disney movie

Mine is everything on your list except the sporty thing - but not being interested in sport is a positive.

Are you saying women, as a whole, don't do the things the OP has listed? How extraordinary.

Oh you are fun!

My Mum used to say to get the man of your dreams you'll have to knit one 😂

My DH takes care of me, We have interesting and intelligent conversations. We aren’t that cuddly tbh and he’s hopeless at booking stuff. He doesn’t drink excessively or take drugs but I wouldn’t say he has a lust for life. He’s got friends he goes out with but he doesn’t do sports.He gardens. He loves dogs and babies and makes me laugh. He doesn’t always defend me as he is a people pleaser ( which actually does my nut in).

As you can see a mixed bag but on balance, we’re good.

Reading the OP I can honestly say my DH really is all of those things. It hasn't meant our marriage has been completely smooth sailing. For example, he has never wanted to move more than about 20 miles away from his Mum. I knew this about him early on, but as I have got older I am now struggling with sacrificing living where I want to live. Reading this thread has made me feel grateful for him this morning though.

I consider myself incredibly lucky to be married to a man who is a good chunk of what you describe OP (& the bits he isnt aren’t dealbreakers for me anyway). I spent my 20’s wasting my time and energy on wholly unsuitable men; convinced they would change (spoiler alert - they never do 🙄).

it works because we were both ready I think. We were both happy in our own skin; knew what we liked and didn’t; went into it with no agenda other than to see if we gelled.
My advice to anyone (with the benefit of time and hindsight) is work on yourself first. Time spent understanding your own expectations, wants and needs ultimately makes you a better partner should you choose to start a relationship

No person is all those things because that's near perfection.we all have our flaws even to be 75%of the op would make a decent human being.

I'd have to ask why on earth ate you with him?

OP.
You aren’t actually trapped. You just think you are. Someone said you have to be your own hero and that is true. Future versions of you are willing you to get out of there.

Of course it won’t be easy to get out of this awful relationship, but you can do it. Make the choice that you will, and it will happen.

Are you working, do you need to upskill to get a better paid job?
Don’t use this thread to feel worse, because others have good relationships, try to use it practically to improve your life.

Another one here who’s DH of 20+ years is all those things apart from the sports. He does look after himself and has plenty of interests but dislikes sports of all kinds, as do I and the DC. Perhaps it’s the sporty men who are the wrong uns. I’m jesting, but kind of not - I’ve always felt like there can be better, kinder long-term partners amongst the nerds than the jocks as it were.

Also to say I know several other men who tick those boxes and are lovely DHs, dads, brothers and so on. They aren’t unicorns, so I hope you can find one and the happiness you deserve.

I’m not going to pretend my DP is everything on your list, but he is caring, kind, loving, happy, reliable, fun, and genuinely likes (loves) me. He’s also SAHD to our daughter til October, and every night when she’s gone to bed he says “I love her so much, she’s fantastic.” He is loud and joyful and we have a simple, happy life. (He was actually grumpy for half an hour last night because he’s not perfect but he was hot and tired, and the great thing is we can always talk and there’s never an atmosphere.)

A few years ago, I was wondering too OP. I was miserable, with a moody, gaslighting, unaffectionate man. We nearly bought a house together. I could have had children with him (shudder). I used to wonder what it would be like to be with someone who enjoyed life and liked me.

I hope you find someone lovely so you don’t have to wonder!

I aspired, as a man and as a partner, to be as many of those things (or similar) as I could - I'd had an excellent example from my own father. I was always there for my partner, our children, etc. I take as my measure the fact that her family and relatives have stayed in touch since we split, and those friendships continue.
But it was never enough. Everything was criticised, picked apart, and nothing was ever good enough for her. I watched in despair as other men were forgiven for being complete arseholes, taken back after affairs, and so on, while I was hauled over the coals, repeatedly, for minor misdemeanours.
The woman I had fallen so deeply in love with, devoted my life to, became emotionally distant, a bully, and so nasty to me in private that I eventually cracked, after 30 years together. I left, for a trial period, but never went back. I had numerous breakdowns while I tried to come to terms with what had gone wrong, convinced that I was as awful as she told me I was. I drank heavily, and damn near killed myself with it.
But hard work and being kind to myself has transformed my life. I'm now happy, sober, single and I date occasionally. I'm comfortable in my own skin, happy with who I am, and I even bump into my ex occasionally... we are civil to each other, but that's it. I'm still sad for what we lost, and at a loss to understand why she drove a good man away, but she did. I think she knows that, but it doesn't kill me if she still doesn't understand.

hahaha

Because being a good person is the bare minimum and doesn't entirle you to someone else's feelings.

You are looking at this entirely wrong and in a very incek way 'wah I'm a nice guy I should get the nice things' when infact you were in the same position the op was in. You were in a bad relationship with someone whow asnt fulfilling YOUR needs.

Why did YOU stay?

It's not about 'a good man' being rejected or treated badly. You had a relationship that was shit, so you leave. Same as I'd urge OP to do. OP could be an absolute angel of a human, she could BE, not just 'aspire to be' all the things on that list. But her husband is a dick. So she should leave him. Just as you should leave a relationship that's not working for you.

Notice how you've listed all your good qualities with a 'it was never enough', op isn't listing all her good qualities and wondering why her husband won't stop being a dick.

Your viewpoint is utterly twisted, 'im lovely why did I have a bad relationship's same reason anyone does, because you stayed in a bad relationship. Not because 'womeb always leaves good men's not is OPs problem that 'there are no good men's both of you were in a bad relationship and somehow turned it into a gendered situation. Leave the bad relationship, only stay in a relationship that brings love and mutual respect.

Guess I stayed because I had loved her deeply, we'd raised wonderful children who made us both proud, and I don't give up easily. That's why 🤷

I've never had one like that. Been married twice. It felt like both of them wanted me to be something or someone different.

Not going to bother trying again.

My husband is all of those things and more.

Is it like ‘winning the lottery’? No. He’s a good man. Most of the men I know are good men (although I’ll admit they don’t do all the cooking like mine does).

I wouldn’t have settled for anything less. No one should.