Don’t want Pick Me at our wedding

[BarbourAnne]

I’m a bit hormonal at the moment so may well be unreasonable.

DP has a long standing friend (she’s long-term married) who is a typical pick me girl. Does the same male dominate sport, seen as one of the guys so when she grabs an arse it “doesn’t mean anything” and is generally very outgoing and out there.

Truth be told I’ve never liked her, but keep my distance. She’s the sort who will grope a fella, and then when challenged say it doesn’t mean anything but “I’m sorry if I offended you”. As if you’re the one with the problem not her.

Anyway. We’re now trying to organise a wedding and DP wants her to come. I haven’t seen her for 3 years. It is not a case of I don’t know her, so I don’t want her to come. I actively dislike her. I don’t want her feeling up my groom on our wedding day as “banter”.

He is saying all his other sporting mates are coming, and it will look odd if she isn’t invited. Personally I don’t care. Let it look odd. Or tell everyone I don’t like her so don’t want her there. Make me the bad guy, I don’t care. But this is the price she pays for her behaviour.

I would never tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t take “that’s just the way she is” or “it doesn’t mean anything she’s married” as a reason for her behaviour.

When I am married will it be ok to go and sit on some male friends lap, grab his arse etc? Of course not.

And if she does start her nonsense at your wedding you are within your rights to say something.

If every other person in the team is invited it will look shitty if she’s not . So I can see it’s tricky for your dh but equally why should you have someone who makes you uncomfortable at your wedding?
But ultimately your issue is with your dh as a man in a commited relationship he should not be accepting this behaviour from her whether you are there or not. He needs to call her out.

she is a dick though, her half assed apology was clearly her saying “this is your problem not mine not your dhs” I’d have wanted to slap her.

Then that says a lot about them as well

I understand that you don't want her there because you don't like her (understandably). But if you genuinely mean that you "would never tell him who he can be friends with", then I think that has to extend to him being able to invite her to the wedding. If they had history, or she singled him out and you thought she had designs on him then I would have voted differently.
If you've already made your case for not inviting her and he still wants to, then I would suck it up (and seat her next to the toilet/tell her the dress code is lime green/order her a special tripe based meal or something similarly petty) and just absolutely ignore the fact she is there which would be easy because so many people you actually like and want to spend time with will be there. Bridesmaids would be under strict instructions to form a human shield around you if necessary.

So he didn’t actually mind?

You’re not wrong.
She wouldn’t get an invite from me either

Perfect!
And if he still persists... well, why would you want to marry someone who disagrees with you on such a fundamental aspect of social behaviour? Fiddly fingered Sharon has shown, time and again, contempt for her friends' wives and partners.

Shameless victim blaming.

OP can I ask has anyone else ever excluded her previously or, apart from you, challenged her on her behaviour? She sounds likely a to need telling directly - ie Audrey you aren’t welcome to attend the wedding as your behaviour is so inappropriate it’s making people uncomfortable

Like when it comes to baby names, both agree, it’s on the list, one or other disagreeing means it’s off the list.

@BarbourAnne this will send a message and it will reset the whole behaviour thing somehow. It’ll give the rest of the team power to make a stance too

There's lots of talk about how men should call out toxic men and 100% they should, and if men see a problem with another man and don't call it out or turn a blind eye then there just as bad as the perpetrator.
You don't want women to do the same? It would just be misogynistic right?
Please!
Living in a functioning society does call for ppl telling other people when they're totally out of fucking order, be they male or female.

Why can’t any of these men have a word and address the issue?

What's her husband's take on all this? Does he see this behaviour?

Tell your fiance straight

I intensively dislike her behaviour & I wouldn’t want that at my wedding, she is your friend but I’m not extending her an invitation.

if he tries to defend her behaviour- that’s fine when she is with you and your mates but she is not ruining our day with her antics, that don’t mean anything but upset people

She knows you don't like her so probably won't be surprised to not be invited. I'm sure the other blokes wives won't be surprised either.
If it was a man behaving like this it wouldn't even be a question.

Even if she doesn't sexually assault anyone at the wedding, OP doesn't want her there because she doesn't like her.

This is perfectly acceptable and reasonable and if she is the only one in the team left out, maybe she will reflect on that. Maybe she won't give a shit.

But it's a great example of FAFO

I'm team OP. That woman would not be attending my wedding. Not happening. End of.

It would be difficult if the rest of the team are invited. Will their partners be there too? Maybe she won’t do it in front of her dh

I would say you need a lot of friends and family primed in case she does anything to

Look horrified/shocked

Exclaim loudly ‘oh my God, look what she’s doing’

Say to her face ‘what is wrong with you’ ‘that is highly inappropriate’ etc

Maybe if she sees it’s wrong in many peoples eyes it will get it through her skull…

Agree - I usually see ‘pick me’ used against women who commit such crimes as being into sports, enjoy drinking pints or laughing at rude jokes. If this woman is really touching men’s arses without consent then that’s sexual assault - have any of the men involved raised it as an issue with her?

but why should the Op do this? her wedding day should be a day of joy and celebration, not a time for dealing with a Handsy Hannah.

It’s not difficult to not invite someone to your wedding and the other wives and girlfriends won’t find it difficult her not being there. Everyone will be able to relax, not be on edge for her antics to start and not have to have anyone “primed” for when her bad behaviour starts

This woman sounds completely hideous. However excluding one person from a wedding is a very big deal and frankly I wouldn’t do it.

This wedding…. I’m guessing very big, there will be massive drinking involved before wedding proceedings even begin, loads of staggering around pissed, couple arguing (inc the bride and groom), at least one screaming match (perhaps MOH and bride?) finally ending up in a brawl in the car park amongst some of the groom’s sports mates.

oh and quite possibly a cat fight between the bride and this friend.

the groom will pass out outside the honeymoon suite door, the bride will be too busy cleaning up the wounds from the aforementioned cat fight

the hotel will later invoice the couple £3000 to cover damages incurred by the guests.

It's his mate, however you feel about her.
That's controlling to try and not him invite her.
It's his wedding too, you'd only need to talk to her.

Because they enjoy it and don’t actually want it to stop?

OP’s DP has told her that if she addresses it, the male members of the team won’t like her and will think she is uptight.

This is clearly not sexual assault at all, but some sort of weird mutually enjoyable polygyny where the men get regular sexual favours from her, occasionally interrupted when their “uptight” wives “spoil their fun”.

I assume this is a joke? I’m asking if the partner has been sexually assaulted himself and whether he or any of the other men have addressed it with her directly?