Don’t want Pick Me at our wedding

[BarbourAnne]

I’m a bit hormonal at the moment so may well be unreasonable.

DP has a long standing friend (she’s long-term married) who is a typical pick me girl. Does the same male dominate sport, seen as one of the guys so when she grabs an arse it “doesn’t mean anything” and is generally very outgoing and out there.

Truth be told I’ve never liked her, but keep my distance. She’s the sort who will grope a fella, and then when challenged say it doesn’t mean anything but “I’m sorry if I offended you”. As if you’re the one with the problem not her.

Anyway. We’re now trying to organise a wedding and DP wants her to come. I haven’t seen her for 3 years. It is not a case of I don’t know her, so I don’t want her to come. I actively dislike her. I don’t want her feeling up my groom on our wedding day as “banter”.

He is saying all his other sporting mates are coming, and it will look odd if she isn’t invited. Personally I don’t care. Let it look odd. Or tell everyone I don’t like her so don’t want her there. Make me the bad guy, I don’t care. But this is the price she pays for her behaviour.

I would never tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t take “that’s just the way she is” or “it doesn’t mean anything she’s married” as a reason for her behaviour.

When I am married will it be ok to go and sit on some male friends lap, grab his arse etc? Of course not.

How wife should be his priority over a flaky friend

Not when they have the potential to cause a scene at a wedding they don’t.

Just wondering op, is she being invited to the stag do???

This.

She sounds like a nightmare and definitely not someone you want at your wedding. Is he really inviting every single other team member?

Either way, YADNBU to take a stand on this,

Sounds like the men actually enjoy it. If any of them had seriously told her to stop, there is no way it would have continued for this many years. If they were uncomfortable they would have dumped her from the team. Unfortunately it looks like it's only the wife and girlfriends who are complaining. Everyone else seems to enjoy her company.

Are you also planning to put a stop to her going to the stag?

Another thread in the making right there!!

Hopefully not, as she’s female? Otherwise she’ll probably try to sh&g the whole team “just for a laugh”

That was 3 years ago

They’ve had 3 years of socialising without you there. You don’t think she’s ever done it again to your husband and he hasn’t just shrugged it off / lapped it up rather than say anything because you weren’t there to witness?

oooo intersting point

Seriously.? She is touching parts of people’s bodies . If they can’t know then as the wife I’d be saying no.

There's an insagrammer @ riribibi_
Who makes fun of people like this, it feels scarily close to what you're going through...

She sounds awful

It smacks of quite the opposite. OP says the response to this is: 'He says she’s just always been like it. It’s how she is and it doesn’t mean anything'. This is quite the turnaround. It's usually men who are given a free pass whilst the (usually) women on the receiving end are expected to put up and shut up.

Also, it does mean something. It means she's a sexually inappropriate creep. This isn't 'pick me' behaviour - that's minimising it IMO OP - this is a woman who habitually sexually assaults men for shits and giggles, just as it would be if a man indulged in similar behaviour against women.

If men who engage in this manner of act are misogynists - treating women's bodies as pieces of meat and violating their personal boundaries as though they have the right - what does that make her?

That's 'just the way she is', fiance says? Well, the correct response to that is 'Well, this is just the way I am. I refuse to have her anywhere around me, and that includes at our wedding. She's a liability that I'm not willing to inflict on others'.

If only for the comfort and wellbeing of every invitee, a gropey, slimy, creepy Uncle would not make his way onto my guest list. Neither would she.

She hasn’t been invited. Him and three friends are going away mountain biking as he really doesnt want it turning into a big piss up

Yes but grabbing random arses is sexual assault. Not what you want at your wedding.

I would have said "Sexual assault will do that. Offend people, that is. I think it can also have you arrested when I report your sexual harassment and assault to the police." Really put the wind up her.

The longer this woman is allowed to carry on unchallenged the worse her behaviour will become.
Just imagine her being at the wedding reception, circulating amongst the men and grabbing every arse she wants to grope…….brides father, grandfather, uncles,………there would potentially be countless gentlemen who certainly wouldn’t see the funny side of her unwelcome advances. She has no filters and her actions are definitely not funny! No way would I be inviting her to my wedding and I would make damn sure that her ‘friends’ knew why she was excluded.
She could eventually find herself on the end of court proceedings.

So on the biggest day of your life he would rather make you unhappy than upset her? That says a lot.

I think you’re being unreasonable to not invite her, seeing as she’s been his friend since primary school. But your fiancé would not to unreasonable to tell all his friends - so no one can claim he singled her out - that they need to behave more formally at the wedding and not drink too much, grab arses, and whatever other less-than-wedding-appropriate behavior they might do.

He’s inviting every single person in the sports club ?

Why should op invite someone who doesn't respect her or her relationship?

Why should anyone invite a sex pest to their wedding?

I actually wouldn’t get married if he is do insistent that she comes to the wedding - maybe a bit extreme, but the day would be ruined by not only her behaviour, but also his disregard for your wishes.

Failing that, do you have any bolshy friends/bridesmaids etc to keep an eye on things/firmly put her in her place if she starts her usual tricks?

Yeah, I have to say that the wedding may not be such a good idea if he's more worried about how it might look to his friends (or just this one idiot woman) than how his bride-to-be feels.

Many (most) people don't invite all their friends or extended family to their wedding. There's no reason this woman has to come, if OP has such strong, negative feelings about her, regardless of how long her fiance has known her. I'd be disgusted that the fiance and the others being groped have put up with this for so long. I'd wonder if they actually like it.

If you made it clear there would be no wedding with her present, would there be a wedding?

And her husband? How does he feel about his wife groping other men?