Don’t want Pick Me at our wedding

[BarbourAnne]

I’m a bit hormonal at the moment so may well be unreasonable.

DP has a long standing friend (she’s long-term married) who is a typical pick me girl. Does the same male dominate sport, seen as one of the guys so when she grabs an arse it “doesn’t mean anything” and is generally very outgoing and out there.

Truth be told I’ve never liked her, but keep my distance. She’s the sort who will grope a fella, and then when challenged say it doesn’t mean anything but “I’m sorry if I offended you”. As if you’re the one with the problem not her.

Anyway. We’re now trying to organise a wedding and DP wants her to come. I haven’t seen her for 3 years. It is not a case of I don’t know her, so I don’t want her to come. I actively dislike her. I don’t want her feeling up my groom on our wedding day as “banter”.

He is saying all his other sporting mates are coming, and it will look odd if she isn’t invited. Personally I don’t care. Let it look odd. Or tell everyone I don’t like her so don’t want her there. Make me the bad guy, I don’t care. But this is the price she pays for her behaviour.

I would never tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t take “that’s just the way she is” or “it doesn’t mean anything she’s married” as a reason for her behaviour.

When I am married will it be ok to go and sit on some male friends lap, grab his arse etc? Of course not.

It's it bitchy? I think it's a reasonable way to describe the way some women behave.
It's perfectly possible to interact with men without getting silly and flirty and handsy.

No it’s not about the being groped. You are a group of friends! The one that causes the awkwardness is the one that will be phased out. Doesn’t matter what the situation is! It’s gone on too long no one has stopped her and now he’s gonna say well she can’t come and it’s him causes the issue not. Do I agree with it no! Is it what will happen 100% because at the moment their is no problem in anyone else eyes and he will be Seen to be causing one

I would give him the choice.

He can have her at the wedding, or me.

And that would be non negotiable.

I raise that bet to one thousand

OP should have more self respect, imagine arguing over some creepy, hands woman with her fiance instead of just enjoying her wedding plans. So sad.

I know a woman who sounds remarkably like this. Her name does not begin with 'R' does it?

Anyway- the one I am thinking of, she might be married but she has broken up a few in her time by screwing the men in her hobby group.

It;s definitely marking territory. And if your woman is anything like the one I know if you don't invite her she;ll try and get revenge in the only way she knows how- by asserting her dominance over your DH by trying to seduce him. Might be a good idea to give him the heads up. It took me pointing out quite methodically with DH his 'friend's' MO with the men in the group- as soon as they got a new girlfriend she targeted them 'jokingly' of course. But once he saw it, he could not unsee it.

Sounds like it, because “people will think it’s weird if she’s not there”, but will they? Sounds like everybody knows what she’s like, but they give her a pass because it’s just ‘how she is’.

But I wouldn’t want her there, either, and I’d be quite firm about it. If anybody asks, tell them it’s because she is inappropriate and doesn’t seem to be able to control herself amongst sensible grown-ups.

But, as a PP said, I’m not sure I’d want to be marrying ‘into this team’…

@herecomethedrums2025 is she grovelling and begging for men’s attention? Or is it possible that she’s just been friends with him since primary school and they do the same sport. Perhaps he voluntarily gives her his attention because of the fondness of that longstanding friendship and shared interest. There’s nothing to be threatened by here. There’s no reason to think it’s sexually motivated.

I’d be prepared to call the wedding off or elope instead! Personally I could not have someone like that around me and feel it risks ruining a very special day just to save face, plus your feelings should be more important to him than hers.

This. I fucking hate the “Pick Me” trope so you lost me at that OP. Just yet another way of society putting down women and keeping them in their place.

This is peak Mumsnet.

The opposite. A nice easy shortcut for a certain type of woman, the one who gives zero fucks about women and will grovel to men and shit all over any female in her desperate scrabble to clamber to an erect dick.

Nah. Peak mumsnet would be ltb followed by calling her a racist for "reasons" and a screeching lecture relying entirely on ad hominems, ending in the phrase "peak mumsnet".

She isn’t a real friend to him. She’s part of a group.

If one of the men phoned him and asked him out for a quick pint, he would go. If she asked to meet him on his own I bet he wouldn’t go.

Tell him straight that under no circumstances is she to come as predatory people whether they be man or woman are not welcome.

I couldn't have said it better.
There's no way she gets an invite.

It’s BOTH of their’s wedding and neither should be forced to have anyone there who makes them uncomfortable. Especially when that person likes to sexually assault others. And that is what it is make no mistake. Be interesting to see what your opinion would be if sexes reversed. Op you are absolutely not being unreasonable and your partner needs to respect your wishes on this.

I too would be uncomfortable. She clearly has no respect for the relationships of her team mates or her own relationship. Does her "DP" know she behaves this way around her team mates? I know very very few men who would be happy with their partner groping other men. The men also need to be standing up for their relationships, it is not respectful at all to your partner to allow someone else to grope you and laugh about it and be like "oh my wife doesn't like it, she's so upright". It re-enforces the laddette low class "I'm not like other girls" behaviour of this woman.

If your DP is insistent she come, I would be tempted to tell everyone to be aware of the "handsy Hannah". Are you on good terms with the other wives? If so I'd get them on side, same with your bridesmaids. Make it uncomfortable for the handsy woman. I would also be tempted to bring it up in conversation with her DP, oh I hear "Hannah" has groped the whole team over the past few years... She groped my DH the other week. She also groped "Shelly's" DH the week before. Call me petty but some people deserve the scorn of other women and also clues her DP into some of her behavior.

😅😂 You sound absolutely demented. Off your rocker. Mental.

Found the female "friend"😂

This is the sort of “banter” women used to have to laugh along with in the City, not so many years ago.

The men or at least some of them, are acting like it’s “ok” because they’re being embarrassed/forced into that behaviour, just like the City women used to.

By that logic, not liking a guy groping you is misandry?!

If women want to go round groping other women's husbands then I am not sure they are particularly deserving of respect. In much the same ways as it's generally seen as acceptable to talk in fairly derogatory tones about men who are sex pests.

I guess to avoid accusations of misogyny we can refer to both male and females who behave like this as sex pests perhaps? Or what term would you use to describe people who constantly make unsolicited sexual advances to others?

Strictly speaking, she isn't predatory. Predators chase their prey. She isn't chasing, because these men aren't running.

It is his wedding too she is part of his sport mates, if she starts her nonsense other people will see her for what she is a groper and an idiot, she is no threat to you

Nothing to do with her being a threat. Obviously she is no threat to anyone, but creepy woman (pretend friend) is a sex pest and OPs boyfriend is fine with that. It's all a bit sad and weird tbh.