Don’t want Pick Me at our wedding

[BarbourAnne]

I’m a bit hormonal at the moment so may well be unreasonable.

DP has a long standing friend (she’s long-term married) who is a typical pick me girl. Does the same male dominate sport, seen as one of the guys so when she grabs an arse it “doesn’t mean anything” and is generally very outgoing and out there.

Truth be told I’ve never liked her, but keep my distance. She’s the sort who will grope a fella, and then when challenged say it doesn’t mean anything but “I’m sorry if I offended you”. As if you’re the one with the problem not her.

Anyway. We’re now trying to organise a wedding and DP wants her to come. I haven’t seen her for 3 years. It is not a case of I don’t know her, so I don’t want her to come. I actively dislike her. I don’t want her feeling up my groom on our wedding day as “banter”.

He is saying all his other sporting mates are coming, and it will look odd if she isn’t invited. Personally I don’t care. Let it look odd. Or tell everyone I don’t like her so don’t want her there. Make me the bad guy, I don’t care. But this is the price she pays for her behaviour.

I would never tell him who he can and can’t be friends with, but I don’t spend time with her, and I don’t take “that’s just the way she is” or “it doesn’t mean anything she’s married” as a reason for her behaviour.

When I am married will it be ok to go and sit on some male friends lap, grab his arse etc? Of course not.

Fucking hell, I hate people like that. This, for me, goes into the same bin as "work wife" and "best female friend I've known for ages".

Some "smart and adult" females might think I'm stupid but seriously, fuck this shit. Its offensive. What if I had a male friend who grabbed my arse all the time? Makes me think about that Woody Allen film about Paris, where main character had no idea his fiancé was having an affair with her male "best friend".

This. Don’t call other women “pick me”s it’s misogynistic. You sound very jealous, she’s done this once since you’ve been together and she apologised afterwards when you said it offended you. It was 3 years ago, Let it go.

OP - just say NO, she is not coming. Put your foot down. I think your attitude is exactly right, you dont like her and you dont care. Let HER worry about her behaviour and its consequences.

OP She might assault some poor unsuspecting man and give him a fright!! She is a loose cannon. Just say to DH this woman could ruin the whole wedding for you (and others too). She will set the wrong tone completely- instead of love and romance you will have sleaze and crudeness. - If she is inclined to dominate the room, everyone will be aware of her behaviour. If need be - tell DH her invite got lost in post. I remember someone using that as an excuse long ago and it seem to work!

It's not random men though is it. It's men that are her team mates, who socialise with her, who want to invite her to their weddings. Nobody would invite their sexual assailant to their wedding. There is only one incident of objection and that was when it was prompted the OP. Would I want her at my wedding absolutely not, do I think she is inappropriate absolutely, do I think these men could have easily put a stop to it, yes.

Your husband's friend sounds more like a gay male than a pickmeisha.
Is there something you're not telling us, OP?

Obvious answer she doesn't get an invited -

Delete, misread something.

A sexual assault, as well as a scene.

Why invite someone to an event as important as your wedding who can't be trusted to not sexually assault other guests? In fact, who can be guaranteed to commit a sexual assault!

It’s your wedding. I wouldn’t have someone who I actively hate at my wedding.

I like all my husbands friends and I get on with their wives on a superficial level. Her behaviour is entirely inappropriate and someone needs to stop her. If it was reversed their could absolutely be calls of assault.

This principle doesn’t apply to actual molesters

You can’t have it both ways.

Either you think she behaves inappropriately around your STBH so you don’t think he should spend time with her anymore or he needs to have a serious talk with her about boundaries.

Or you accept this is how she is, they are friends, it’s your husband’s wedding too and he wants his friend there.

If you think her behaviour is so awful I don’t understand why you’re not bothered about your STBH hanging out with her at other times?

It's not just the bride & groom's wedding, it's a celebration for the whole family. Presumably their families would be revolted/horrified if this women turned up and "performed".
Just say no. This is a hill to die on, as they say!

And they like to say "I'm not like other girls" constantly to reinforce in their minds that everyone loves them and find them quirky and cute.

This particular Pick Me sounds like a huge attention seeker and frankly, a sex pest.

I would not under any circumstances have her at my wedding. Its a perfect breeding ground for her to show off and all those men in their nice clothes and looking good, will be too much for her wandering hands to resist.

In these circumstances I would make the wedding family and wedding party only OP. That way she doesn't get an invite but it doesn't look odd.

Why?
Op is free to invite who she likes and not worry about the feelings of someone who has never shown the slightest respect for op or her relationship

If how she feels matters more to him than how you feel then that's a big problem.

Ask him why he wants you to feel upset at your own wedding so that he can avoid upsetting her ask him why her feelings are more important than yours.

(And depending on his replies I'd be asking him if hes marrying me because she's not available. But that's just me and not something normal people should do. )

It's her wedding too, why would she wants some weird woman there who gropes men's butts. Her male friends or their partners will not be thanking OP if she invites someone who ruins the enjoyment of the wedding for the other guests.

Bigger question, why is her fiance okay with this? The "it's just who someone is" excuse is what people typically use to keep the peace around sexual predators.

That’s the ultimate point isn’t it.

Who is he more worried about upsetting his future wife or handsy Hannah.

If he picks Hannah then that speaks volumes for any future issues between op and DP that he would rather upset her than someone else. The person he is choosing to marry.

I wouldn’t marry a man that picked a female friend’s feelings over mine on OUR day. Not her day ours as a couple.

It's assault. If it were the other way around and a handsy male was grabbing the arses of the women whilst expecting to be excused because 'It's just the way he is', there wouldn't be woman on here taking his side.

|f he's going to insist that she comes, he'd better be damned sure that he can keep her in order - although it would be preferable if he grew a backbone.

OP I know someone from a small village in rural Ireland who refused to have someone at her wedding who had thought it funny to pull her trousers down in a pub when they were in their early 20s. 10 years letter she still hasn’t forgotten it. The issue arose as the “trouser guy” ended up married to a relative of the groom. The groom informed his relative that whilst she was welcome to the wedding her DH was not. It caused such a problem in the wider family. With the trouser guy ranting and saying that the bride to be need to get over it etc. the groom held the line on it though!

I think you are right to insist on her not attending. It’s not as if you’ve taken a dislike to her for no reason. She has crossed a line with you and your fiance and should be called out on it.

See, even your comment doesn't bother me. I have more women friends now but it was hard work when I was younger. Each to their own I say. I just meant a woman who likes company of men aren't out to be one of them, just easier 'generally' to be themselves/myself.
I'm not after an argument, it's the way I feel.
By the way, you may reply but I can't be bothered with all the back and forth. I said how I feel just as you did. Have a lovely weekend x

So she is married and all the men from the team Akso have wife/partners.
Are they all coming as a +1? Her included?

Im wondering if she’d behave differently in front of her dh and the wifes.

Having said that, I can totally see why you wouldn’t want her there. No one really want the person they aren’t getting in with at their wedding. Like Uncle Jo no one can’t stand but no one dates not invite iyswim

How is it misogyny? Jesus. Even when it’s a woman acting inappropriately and sexually groping men somehow someone finds a way to blame men 🙄