Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

[Humal93]

Not my proudest moment to say the least.

Bit of a background:

Been with step daughter since she was 7 and she is now 12 and I and my husband are constantly finding soiled underwear beneath other dirty clothes spewed in all parts of her room. I thought perhaps she was somewhat embarrassed about me washing her underwear so would hide them in her room, but hubby says she has always been like this from the very beginning. So I thought maybe it's just an age thing, but it's not right as much of her other clothing is just left on the floor and never placed in the laundry basket to be washed unless reminded to then I am left with a large batch of clothing to wash... Blessed are we with washing machines.

Anyway, whilst lying in our bed, I asked her if she wore any underwear to school as I hadn't seen any the last couple weeks and she immediately got off the bed and went into her room. Just a simple question. Every time I ask her about her room or clothes she storms off in a mood and I am ignored. So this time I spoke through the door and asked her "Can you please put them in the basket so I can wash them?" Still being ignored, I then said "In case you didn't hear me, just put them in the f*king basket, please!" I feel awful and she feels awful too I am sure, but I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

She’s 12. She wants and needs things from you all the time. Next time she says “can I have….can you help me with….may I?” you say, “yes, just go and get your laundry and put it in the basket and then I’ll help”. Also, she’s being weirdly resistant to a pretty normal house rule. It’s definitely time to start considering whether this is psychological rather than just poor behaviour.
When asking her for her underwear, could you hand her one of those large zip up net laundry bags to fill? The barrier of the net might make it easier for her and it would make it easier for you to see if you have been given an appropriate amount of laundry.

This is something that should have been addressed years ago - when it first started happening.

She should have been taken to a GP to rule out faecal impaction or any other biological cause and in the absence of that then she should have been assessed to find out if she’s been SA’d.

It should never have come to this.

Oh we've all done it! I used to ask and ask my DS and eventually go mental. All I ever wanted for him to have sufficient clean clothes and for me to be able to open the cabinet and have sufficient crockery and silverware to offer a guest a drink or a meal. It's not much isn't it?

One occasion he had a friend over and I only had sufficient pasta bowls for 2 so I told my DS that unless he brought everything down and washed it he would be without dinner. In front of his friend. He got a lot better after that.

I agree about seeing if she has a medical problem.
And stick to the no food in bedrooms rule; do not reneg.

She is a twelve year old girl so I would also insist on having more privacy in her room. No men or boys should be rummaging through her laundry.

Try out a laundry system in her room. Underwear in a bag (non see through) and whites up one end of her basket and darks and brights, the other end.

Teach your step-daughter to do one small wash load of her own undies each week.

I would imagine she would be bloody mortified if her dad spoke to her about her underwear.

Maybe take her out for an afternoon, just the two of you. Maybe the cinema and something to eat after.

She might open up to you about how she's feeling, and it will give you the chance to give her a gentle talk on hygiene.

She’s 12 and is soiling her underwear? Surely that’s a grave concern for one thing. I’d be getting her checked out. Perhaps she’s very embarrassed.

She’s old enough to do her own laundry - perhaps this could be an option?

I completely agree with this, There’s obviously something very wrong here, she needs help and compassion I think. I’ve been through faecal impaction with one of mine, it’s easy to assume they’re not constipated because there’s still poo, but poo is still working its way round the sides.
She’s only 12, so young. I can’t imagine how she feels and why she’s doing this. Mine had messy rooms, washing all over etc etc , I gave up on the mess but did do regular washing sweeps. To those saying she should do her own washing, I’m sure they’re capable at 12 but do you really want endless small loads going in, to me the family wash all goes in together. I can imagine finding a wash on with 2 pairs of pants and a top!
All this sounds more extreme than normal teenage untidiness though, please be kind , being asked if she wore underwear to school must’ve been mortifying for her, whatever the reason.
I genuinely think in this situation I would start by quietly collecting her underwear myself and washing it so that she at least has a clean supply. Then gently move on to saying you’ve noticed the poo situation, suggesting it will be fine but might be worth asking the doctor for help- do you have a friendly female doctor or nurse ?
Then kindly but slowly start to tackle the mess etc - I feel a lot is pretty normal teenage behaviour but it’s about finding a balance you’re ok with.
I know you might think I’m just too soft but I’ve brought 3 into adulthood and they’re all perfectly clean and tidy now!
Teenage years can be so hard, I wish I’d been brought up with some compassion. I’m so close to mine .

I would be very worried about her.Its not normal for a girl of that age to be leaving dry poo / skid marks in her underwear. Most people would be mortified and want to clean up asap. I really hope she is not going to school without underwear on. Sounds like she needs help. Something is not right.

@Humal93 Is that it? Sounds like a very spoilt upbringing if the worst thing that happens to her is that an adult says "fuck" to her.

Just wait until she gets a job and has to work for an employer, things will be said that are a lot worse than "fuck."

Leave all this to her father. Don’t get involved. Let him do her washing. YABU to swear at a 12 year old.

I think a bigger picture is being missed here. Sure a messy room is a pain and pretty typical of girl that age but prior to punishing and teaching a lesson you need to get some guidance on why at 12 she is soiling underwear. Sounds to me like she is just hiding away an embarrassing issue. Bodies change and it can be a challenging time.

Yes, this was my thought, too, when I read the OP. My DD1 (16) has always suffered from chronic constipation because of her limited diet and she ends up with soiled knickers. (It is getting better now.) It’s very frustrating, but she does have SEN, so I’ve learned to be less frustrated over the years.

Swearing at your DSD wasn’t helpful, as she wasn’t doing it on purpose. But I really do understand the frustration.

People saying the plate thing is so abnormal have clearly never patented teenage children. I mean me and my brother used to leave cups, plates on our room etc not hiding it but loads and loads of kids do this. Not to the point of maggots. But they do. This stage of her life or anyone's life is particularly difficult especially in young girls it's a really hard time. Lots of things change. I have a feeling there is much more than meets the eye to why she hides them. And if someone is making comments and asking about it and swearing she's not going to feel like she wants to tell the truth. There could be so many reasons why she does this embarrassment of bleaching or discharge, not knocking how to actually clean herself properly or maintain her hygiene. Bowel problems or IBS. Where she literally has to go to the toilet so quickly. Regularly having loose stools so no matter how much she cleans she is always having marks In them. Trauma, OCD habits and much worse problems. At 12 it's unlikely that a normal child would think oh I'm going to stash my dirty knickers. If that were me I'd be doing anything to make her feel safe and able to open up and eventually you or her dad, saying they are really worried about her because this isn't normal behaviour. But saying it in a way when she feels trusted and safe in conversation.she might feel not judged and tell you why she does it. Just my opinion but likely to be more to it