Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

[Humal93]

Not my proudest moment to say the least.

Bit of a background:

Been with step daughter since she was 7 and she is now 12 and I and my husband are constantly finding soiled underwear beneath other dirty clothes spewed in all parts of her room. I thought perhaps she was somewhat embarrassed about me washing her underwear so would hide them in her room, but hubby says she has always been like this from the very beginning. So I thought maybe it's just an age thing, but it's not right as much of her other clothing is just left on the floor and never placed in the laundry basket to be washed unless reminded to then I am left with a large batch of clothing to wash... Blessed are we with washing machines.

Anyway, whilst lying in our bed, I asked her if she wore any underwear to school as I hadn't seen any the last couple weeks and she immediately got off the bed and went into her room. Just a simple question. Every time I ask her about her room or clothes she storms off in a mood and I am ignored. So this time I spoke through the door and asked her "Can you please put them in the basket so I can wash them?" Still being ignored, I then said "In case you didn't hear me, just put them in the f*king basket, please!" I feel awful and she feels awful too I am sure, but I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

I think you need to sit her down for one uncomfortable, but kind conversation. Let her know that she needs to ensure she is keeping her body clean, and is wiping properly after using the toilet, and showering daily. If she doesn't want anyone else to handle her worn underwear, she needs to either put them straight into the washing machine herself, or into a net bag in the wash bin. I think having her own wash bin in her room is a good idea, perhaps you could get into the routine of ensuring she has put any dirty clothes from the day into it just before she brushes her teeth at night.

I know she'll be mortified to be having the conversation, but you can tell her that if she does as she's asked, you won't need to have it again, but if it continues, we're going to have to keep talking about dirty knickers and wiping your bum every day!

This - screams adhd which I have and forever had a messy room when younger

I wanted to offer a different perspective on this and I’m not saying this is what’s happening at all but thought it may be helpful.

I would often stash dirty underwear around my room at this age. I didn’t know how to wipe properly and I don’t recall ever being taught, although I’m sure I must have been at some point. On top of this, I was always constipated & would regularly go weeks without passing stool. I would then be scared to ‘go’ as it was always really painful, bit of a never ending cycle.

When I started having periods at 12, id often use bunched up loo roll because I didn’t have sanitary towels. Had I have asked my DM I’m sure she would have bought some but i always felt very embarrassed. I’d wait for DM to leave the house so I could hand wash & hair dry all my underwear quickly.

I also didn’t know that you had to physically wash or use soap in the bath so up until about 14 would just sit in a bath of warm water which probably didn’t help.

I’d have loved for my DM to show me how to use the machine in either a ‘no pressure, here if you need it’ kind of way or asked me to wash my own clothes on a rota. I remember feeling really ashamed. I’m neurotypical afaik fwiw, just had no understanding of basic hygiene.

By 12 she should know how to clean herself after the toilet. It’s neglectful that you both are aware that she cannot clean herself and you haven’t taught her to do it properly. This is the issue, not you having said the f word to her.

I wouldn't worry. If she won't listen to you and show a bit of respect, perhaps shock tactics is what is needed. On a seperate note though, has she been to the docs about the soiling? She may need checking out. Best of luck 💐

Why would you spoil a nice family moment together by bringing up a matter that is embarrassing and shaming, in front of her father too ?
Why has she had no bedroom carpet for a month as a punishment?
There is something going on here!

Missing the point a bit but how do you not find dirty clothes long enough for them to have maggot larvae on ffs? And a suitcase full of mouldy pots?

People are giving you a lot of advise.
My mum never once apologised to me. She even punched me in the face once when she thought I was late - I wasn’t, it was her mistake.
Don’t violate her privacy? Is that a joke? She has no right to privacy in YOUR house, unless maybe she’s in the bathroom.
My mum started us out young folding the clean clothes out of the dryer - as I got older, it became a fun time to share gossip and to catch up with Mum. The clothes would be done in no time.
The clothes in the bedroom - my Nana used to say how it was so much easier just to hang your clothes up after you wore them. No, Nana, it’s really so much easier just to toss them aside.
i think it’s teen-itis.
My mum died when she was 96 - laundry and teenage drama were not the things we spoke about at the end.
I wish you and your stepdaughter a long and happy life together. ❤️

Please will you quote people when you're replying.

Not in the basket = not washed, it's not that hard.
I always say - I ain't your housekeeper !! I happily do chores, washing etc, but I'm not picking up from the floor.

Sounds like she has to learn hard way, but also, is she living with you 100% ? I'm asking as we got part time living with us and we also had an issue with soiled underwear when she was about 7/8. Turned out, her mother was still wiping her bum !!! So when she was at ours or at school she was not doing it properly or at all 🥲

My eldest was shocking at that age. Just disgusting. Not with soiled pants etc, but leaving dirty clothes, rubish in her room - told her mice were running around her room.She had her own ensuite too - which was horrid.
By 17 she was the cleanest kid i've known - on her own as i gave up. She moved out last year and is very tidy now too. Just to give you hope past this stage!

Oh my gosh! 😮
I’m old, in my 60s & I honestly don’t remember how old I was when I was wiping my own bum but it was school age - 5, at least - so that I managed at school and away from home.
I imagine that must’ve been quite awkward for your stepdaughter.
Her mother did her no favours.

And you got the worst of it. I’m very sorry.

I don’t understand the drama. Surely, at some point she will discover she has no clean underwear to wear. Then the problem will be solved. She will put it all out, and then you just do it n your usual schedule, which means she wears dirty underwear for a few days meanwhile, and that’s on her. That’s what happened with mine and at some point the penny dropped if they didn’t put washing out they had to wear dirty undies/clothes and this was their own fault. Then habits start to change.

Why cause all this fuss and demand to know whether undies have been worn to school🙄.

Same here I must’ve been about five when my mum taught me.
My husband actually had to speak to his ex about it, and she openly admitted doing it! We were both like, “What?!” That’s why I’m starting to wonder if this might be a similar situation.

I’m always amazed how many girls want to grow up so quickly shopping at Sephora, acting like adults but still miss the basics. Things like personal hygiene, washing their face properly…

And just because they spray a whole bottle of perfume on themselves doesn’t mean they’re clean
😬

No she is not related. She is just in a relationship with her Father.

Where is this girls Mother?

Probably going against the grain here
But if you think she's not wearing underwear to school ,you need to go in and wash them ,untill she can manage to do it herself.
We have a number of DC with autism in our family ,plus myself,and a lot of what you say is what I have to deal with, with mine .
I just had to pick up the slack more with mine untill they could manage it themselves.
I'd worry it was a safeguarding issue going to secondary school without knickers on ..I don't think school would see it being the child's problem,
It doesn't look good if you know that's what's happening,but your /you and her dad are leaving the issue to her .
For whatever reason,she clearly can't manage what your asking of her ,so help her out a bit untill she's older and can manage ,

I’m thinking there is a bigger issue here, is she embarrassed etc? Dad should be tackling this with her, not punishing her for it. As clearly that’s not working. Has she got a laundry basket in her room, maybe she can do her own washing? Whatever her reasons her reaction seems like she is embarrassed. At twelve I think you need to tread carefully.

I see a few people have suggested she does her own washing...but if she's not managing to pick them up and put them in the laundry basket,why add more responsibility,when she's not coping with the responsibility she already has ..
She's only 12..that's still very much a child

Bloody hell just get her dad do go in when she’s not there and pick it up. I can’t believe this is such an issue tbh. Where is your laundry basket? If it’s in a shared area perhaps she’s embarrassed about using it shared. Get her her own basket in her room. All my kids have their own in their rooms. The poor girl, she’s 12, people
telling her to wash her own when it would obvs be beyond her. You need to tackle it straight on and perhaps teach her to wipe herself properly too - was she ever actually taught?

Also if you suspect she’s not wearing underwear to school
that needs addressing it’s a safe guarding issue. I’m sorry op but you and your husband are dealing with this in a shitty manner.

HARSH

What a snide, snarky comment. There is nothing at all to suggest that PP is projecting (do you even know what that means?) or needs counselling FFS. They just disagree with you.

This is such a scattered comment. Are you advocating for mistreatment of children? I can't work out the angle with the "my mum punched me for no reason and never apologised" story.
Of course children are entitled to privacy. That's just treating someone like a human being and affording them basic dignity. I'm glad you at least qualified it with "unless maybe she's in the bathroom" (maybe??!). But it's quite disturbing that you seem to be suggesting their should be no expectation of privacy for a pubescent or prepubescent girl, especially in the context of living with an unrelated person.
A healthy parent/child relationship does not involve physical or verbal abuse, or refusal to apologise when wrong, or invasion of privacy.

I called my son a fucking idiot for something he'd done that was pretty fucking stupid at the time. Also not my finest hour, and I apologised immediately and profusely. He's never let me forget it. He's 14 and it's become a bit of a joke between us. "Ooh, mum, are you getting angry? Are you going to call me a fucking idiot again?" 🙄

I'd apologise for swearing and ask her dad to speak with her about hygiene and putting dirty clothes, dishes or whatever where they belong.