Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

[Humal93]

Not my proudest moment to say the least.

Bit of a background:

Been with step daughter since she was 7 and she is now 12 and I and my husband are constantly finding soiled underwear beneath other dirty clothes spewed in all parts of her room. I thought perhaps she was somewhat embarrassed about me washing her underwear so would hide them in her room, but hubby says she has always been like this from the very beginning. So I thought maybe it's just an age thing, but it's not right as much of her other clothing is just left on the floor and never placed in the laundry basket to be washed unless reminded to then I am left with a large batch of clothing to wash... Blessed are we with washing machines.

Anyway, whilst lying in our bed, I asked her if she wore any underwear to school as I hadn't seen any the last couple weeks and she immediately got off the bed and went into her room. Just a simple question. Every time I ask her about her room or clothes she storms off in a mood and I am ignored. So this time I spoke through the door and asked her "Can you please put them in the basket so I can wash them?" Still being ignored, I then said "In case you didn't hear me, just put them in the f*king basket, please!" I feel awful and she feels awful too I am sure, but I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

If it's not in the laundry basket, it doesn't get washed. Let her run out of pants.

My son went through a phase of leaving his clothes all over the floor and that was soon sorted when he had nothing left to wear. Incidentally the day he finally tan out of pants and filled up the laundry basket was the day I taught him how to use the washing machine. He's an extremely house trained and house proud adult now!

Could she have started her periods and is embarrassed?

Sounds like she's become lazy. If her things don't go in the basket, they don't get washed. Then if she wakes up without any clean underwear...that's on her.

Are none of you worried about why she is soiling her underwear so often? It's not common for 12 year olds to no be able to control their bladder or bowel movements.

Yes, she is generally quite disorganised. And I recently brought her new underwear around 3 months ago on top of the ones she already had and asked her if she needed more I could get more so it's not a case of them being too small or not enough and we've already had the 'changing bodies and smells/hygiene' talk.

Is she with you full time? I’m afraid I’d be violating her privacy, going in, clearing the bomb site. A friend’s dd had plates under the bed with maggots on them. Can you reinforce the no food upstairs thing?

Why is this your job, and not your husband's? No way would I want my Dad's girlfriend messing with my dirty underwear. Yes I said girlfriend because there is no difference in status in the eyes of a child forced to live with you.

Sorry, I don't mean soiled as in had an accident. Just mean like dried up poo on them and skid marks on them.

Also, she was having a nice moment in the bed with you (and presumably her Father) and you started asking her about her dirty knickers? What the hell? You aren't her Mother!

Have either of her actual parents taught her any life skills? How to care for herself? How to use the washing machine?

Maybe she absolutely hates her stepmother rifling through her dirty underwear and talking to her about "changing bodies" and she has no way to communicate that. These are things her parents should be doing.

Obviously not ok that she is not respecting her bedroom. But as you obviously really swearing at her is not OK. I think you should give her a genuine apology. Not a ‘sorry but’. Once things have calmed down ie not tonight. Meet with her and her Dad to discuss some rules around putting stuff in the wash. Perhaps it would work if she had set times/days and could put her clothes straight into the washing machine (and be shown how to use it). So if there is any element of embarrassment around anyone seeing soiled items then that solves it. For tonight though, your relationship with her is more important than this and apologising and repairing any upset is going to go a long way.

Yes, we have full time. I don't think it's the privacy or embarrassed of an outsider thing anymore as hubby has said she has always been like this, as a single dad and whilst being with her mother.

We had a situation similar, though not as bad fortunately as found a small pile of wet clothes with maggot larvae on them when she was around 7 or 8. Not sure if it was juice or pee, hubby seems to think she peed herself and left the clothes there.

Yes apologise for swearing, take her with you to the supermarket and without making a big deal if it let her pick out new pants and her choice washing liquid. A mesh bag to keep her stuff separate is a good idea. Let her put whatever sanpro etc she needs in the trolley too.

Father is out working and son is at youth club so thank you very much but don't state things you don't know.

Wait...maggots got in it
DH just saying she was always like this so it's fine?
Fuck privacy, that place is a bloody pigpen and DH needs to wobble his head and fumigate that room

I hacve a 12yo dd and she leaves underwear (and all her other clothes) all over the floor and I'm always in her room saying "why can't you out your dirty clothes in the bloody laundry basket, I'm not your slave"....Or if she's having a tidy week she will put everything even clean laundry into the laundry basket and then I moan about that too. I think it's pretty normal for a 12yo....they are half little girl half teenager and never quite sure which one they want to be. Plus who's got time to put laundry in the right place when you could be applying cosmetics, spraying impulse all over your hair or scattering Loom bands all over the house.

Let her wash her own. Teach her how and set a schedule so she does it weekly. "Have you not worn any underwear to school because I haven't seen any" isn't a simple question - it's massively embarrassing and uncomfortable for a kid of that age who may not even know why it's uncomfortable to answer.

Some posters may have forgotten how it felt when puberty began to kick in and parents were still doing all our laundry. It feels to some like a total denial of privacy.

Seems like there's a whole separate issue about her not keeping her room in good order, so it's odd to focus on the underwear rather than addressing the issue as a whole? On the off-chance that you're not a genuine poster, but some creep getting a kick out of this discussion, should that be the case I hope your own underwear spontaneously combusts.

Some of it will be the age she’s at, my son is the same age and totally disorganised. His room is a tip, at first I used to say I wasn’t washing clothes that weren’t in his laundry bin, it’s in his room so he has no excuse…. But then he’d bring down 2 weeks worth at once, run out of school clothes etc which I just found more frustrating. I keep telling him about plates and cups in his room, I was pulling my hair out.
My Dad said I always had a ‘floordrobe’ at that age and that he used to find himself washing socks still paired from when he had put a washing pile on my bed to put away and I would chuck it on the floor and then put it back down to be washed…. Apparently at some points he had no crockery in the cupboards as it was in my brothers room congealing.
He reassured me that despite these failings when we were younger we’re nice grown ups and obviously grew out of our slovenly ways 😂 Hearing him laugh about it, and how he said it was sweet revenge for my untidiness made me relook at how I was handling it.
Now everyday I go into his room when he’s not there and literally spend 2 mins picking up the clothes from his floordrobe, I chuck them on a wash and then put them away once done.
Everything else gets left until either his Dad goes on a lecturing spree or it’s even too messy for him to tolerate.
I would just grab her stuff off the floor and chuck it into the wash or get her Dad to if you don’t want to deal with it.

This is where being a SP is a nightmare.

You’re stuck with shitty underwear in your home, but if you tackle the issue head on, you’re overstepping/making it awkward/doing her bio parents job.

If you do nothing, your house will be crawling (especially with the mouldy food too).

IMO, she isn’t taking appropriate care of herself or her surroundings, so clearly needs an adult to step in and do it for her. Not in a million years would I tolerate shitty underwear and mould. It’s incredibly disrespectful and obviously unhygienic.

1. No food (or drinks?) upstairs. No exceptions. Take food upstairs and there’s a consequence waiting. No weekend fun, devices gone, wifi turned off…whatever it is.
2. Washing in the basket/machine every morning before school. No exceptions. If it’s not done, then it’s no treat/devices/pocket money.
3. If her room is still a bomb site, tell her you/her dad will go in every Sunday evening and anything lying on the floor will be put right into a black bag and taken to the outside bin. Clothes, tech, schoolwork…anything.

I think you & her dad need to be united on this. Tell her you don’t want to do these things but her attitude and behaviour are showing you that she needs help. That might jolt her into taking some responsibility.

I'd be more worried about why a 12 year old girl is soiling her knickers. Without being graphic is it just not wiping properly or incontinence?

Either way I'd be concerned something else was going on?

Has she maybe started her periods and doesn't know what to do or how to say,?

I think it’s a shame that her female role model is the one doing all the laundry…

That aside, my dd has similar traits - hoarding (bits of crap and rubbish) and being unorganised and a bit slovenly. She has an ADHD diagnosis.

These posters being given their kids clean washing to wash again deserve some sort of sainthood for not losing their minds.

Tell her father what you've told us, then tell him he's responsible for her laundry from now on. Then forget about it

This is quite disturbing OP, it's not normal at her age and I'd be really concerned about it and definitely not shouting or swearing at her. It's the sort of thing that I would put down to a child being autistic because it's extremely rare for an NT child to not care about that sort of thing - that or CSA.

That is a child that needs help, not a kid that needs swearing at. Untidy is perfectly normal, leaving soiled knickers around the place really is not.