Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

[Humal93]

Not my proudest moment to say the least.

Bit of a background:

Been with step daughter since she was 7 and she is now 12 and I and my husband are constantly finding soiled underwear beneath other dirty clothes spewed in all parts of her room. I thought perhaps she was somewhat embarrassed about me washing her underwear so would hide them in her room, but hubby says she has always been like this from the very beginning. So I thought maybe it's just an age thing, but it's not right as much of her other clothing is just left on the floor and never placed in the laundry basket to be washed unless reminded to then I am left with a large batch of clothing to wash... Blessed are we with washing machines.

Anyway, whilst lying in our bed, I asked her if she wore any underwear to school as I hadn't seen any the last couple weeks and she immediately got off the bed and went into her room. Just a simple question. Every time I ask her about her room or clothes she storms off in a mood and I am ignored. So this time I spoke through the door and asked her "Can you please put them in the basket so I can wash them?" Still being ignored, I then said "In case you didn't hear me, just put them in the f*king basket, please!" I feel awful and she feels awful too I am sure, but I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

To me it just sounds like no one has ever actually shown her things and so she just doesn't know.

Her dad says she was always like this, but did anyone teach her anything different when she was younger? Did he/you teach her how to clean herself up properly so she's not making a mess of her underwear? Has she been shown how to use the washing machine or told she can use it?

The food in bedroom thing is hard to avoid completely though. You either have to be really strict about it or check the room more often so nothing goes mouldy...

Could she have ADHD?

This. Lazy dropping of clothes/kicking them to the side to make the room seem clearer when they’ve been asked to tidy their room but can’t be bothered is very common at that age. Hiding soiled knickers isn’t. Neither is having poo stains/skid marks. Really, really not usual by the age of 12.
Doing it repeatedly over time implies that she knows it isn’t right but doesn’t know what to do/isn’t in control of it happening.
Counsellor, GP, would consider both. Someone mention up thread about constipation/overflow issues, stress, other issues with continence. Could be anything but good to rule out things that need treatment.

My sil is exactly the same and has recently been diagnosed with adhd and this is one of the lesser known symptoms of adhd.

https://www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/assets/resources/understanding-and-supporting-my-childs-adhd.pdf

Yeah my thoughts too.

This is a lovely suggestion as opposed to some unkind inflammatory ones. My thought was to wonder if your DSD is on the spectrum and struggling with puberty and personal hygiene. Many do at this age. There’s got to be a reason for hiding soiled underwear beyond ‘just laziness’.

It doesn't matter what it "usually involves". Children are individuals and good parents treat them as such. That means meeting their specific needs and adapting to the challenges in front of you. Coaching the child to overcome their own challenges and develop life skills and independence. The fact that OP is frustrated and has been left with the job of parenting is not the child's fault; it's her dad's. It should be her actual parents doing this work.

Your list of instructions to OP was punitive, arbitrary, aggressive and failed to consider the context of the behaviour or address the actual root causes. It's lazy parenting to just dish out punishments without putting in any effort to understand why this child is - to use your own word - not behaving in a "usual" way, nor make efforts to teach them skills and routines with compassion. Not to mention it's expensive and wasteful. Throw tech items and clothing in the bin if they are (shock horror) left on the floor?

Yabu

I think I would initially try to deal with it subtly. Mesh wash bags as someone suggested, and/or giving her a dedicated time to use the washing machine and a clothes horse for her room to dry her clothes and underwear so she has that option. Maybe get wipes for the bathroom along with toilet paper. She must be so embarrassed.

Massive amount of projection going on here.
have you had any counselling, it would be a good idea.

I started asking my similar daughter to just put her own clothes in machine and then you don’t see the soil. I still have to have the odd convo about only 3 pairs of pants in a week’s wash tho

Poor girl something is wrong.

This isn't normal. At 7 or 8 you should have been in her room enough to notice this before it grew maggots. Poo marks on her underwear isn't normal at that age either. She should know how to wipe herself properly.

I know she's twelve now and you need to start navigating more privacy. But I don't understand how you and her father were so hands off at 7.

Yes she can, girls always used to be taught to wash their pants, often at night when they bathed. It doesn't take long. It's all about self respect. She's at the right age to be doing that.

Family DDP therapy needed for childhood trauma

My first thought was faecal impaction causing overflow; my second concern was that children who have suffered trauma sometimes do this.

Seriously, you said the F word, you didn't poison her apples or leave her deep in the woods to perish. Everyone will move on.

At 12 she is old enough to be sorting and washing her underwear.

and if she is soiling, get her some fairy soap so she can cold wash by hand before putting them in the washing machine with other bc others.

alternatively. She should be doing a weekly undie hot wash herself.
but really sold undies should be soaked.

you are not unreasonable. The only thing you can definitely change is how you deal with this. She’s not a baby time to teach her to wash her clothes and feel the fall out of not washing them. Make sure she knows it’s not a punishment but part of growing up and being responsible. It also removes the embarrassment for her.

she really REALLY needs to be seeing the GP.

OP, is it possible she has a phobia? Her behaviour sounds abnormal. Kids can be pretty scruffy, but I’d never heard of filling a suitcase with unwashed crockery or hiding clothes from being washed.

I knew of someone with a phobia about washing. Apparently she would iron unwashed clothes to make them seem fresher, and wipe used dishes with a towel. She was never seen washing her hands.

I would speak to her GP, or contact a children’s charity to ask for advice. Good luck: this is a nasty situation for you, but she is clearly in distress.

My thoughts went to much the same place. Continence issue, CSA, history of neglect or abuse. There are red flags here that make me really uncomfortable. Especially that her father thinks this is normal and shrugs it off.

Was she having a traumatic childhood at her mums? This sounds much bigger than just being a bit messy dirty?? It’s quite worrying

Show her how to use the washing machine - she’s old enough (having similar with my 12 yo) so she can do her own if she’s embarrassed.
but, why isn’t her Dad talking to her about this?

I wonder if she doesn't know to wipe her bum properly or if she has sphincter issues or tag, piles that prevent proper cleaning. Probably unusual to have piles as you as 7 or even at 12. Forget you loosing your shit today (pun only half intended). Talk about poo and wiping. May be find truly flushable wipes (I wouldn't trust her not to flush the unflushable wws given what you have said about her). Talk to her later that using the f word wasn't right but it was out of frustration. May be get her to gp (for her) to discuss this

I’ve stuck by the - if it isn’t in the wash basket it doesn’t get washed; if it’s still in your room then you can wear it (ie you need to put it in the charity bag when it doesn’t fit anymore etc) it’s working, very slowly, but keep on with the same side - no food in bedroom , no drinks if you can’t bring the cup back down etc. tbf my DH (Step dad) is tighter on this than me, but absolutely rightly so - I am not doing her any favours by letting her off basic stuff)

I’d be thinking about chronic constipation too if she regularly has skid marks.

And if she hasn’t started her periods she soon will. That’s a whole new area of potential embarrassment and nastiness.
You need a basket of products already available, ready to use, clear unembarrassed demonstrations (you have her full time, so you’re her female reference point, SD or not) and a simple way to dispose of her sanpro. Maybe a good moment to repeat good wiping methods. Wet wipes next to the toilet?

I’d avoid period pants and tampons at the start. Nobody wants TSS from a forgotten tampon.

I’d go down the route of saying
“Sweetheart, I’m just about to do a white/dark/red load. Can you quickly put what needs washing from your bedroom straight into the machine?” and stay nearby until she does. Then show her how the machine works.
Same for dirty plates.
Once she’s clear and in a routine she can do it herself.