Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

[Humal93]

Not my proudest moment to say the least.

Bit of a background:

Been with step daughter since she was 7 and she is now 12 and I and my husband are constantly finding soiled underwear beneath other dirty clothes spewed in all parts of her room. I thought perhaps she was somewhat embarrassed about me washing her underwear so would hide them in her room, but hubby says she has always been like this from the very beginning. So I thought maybe it's just an age thing, but it's not right as much of her other clothing is just left on the floor and never placed in the laundry basket to be washed unless reminded to then I am left with a large batch of clothing to wash... Blessed are we with washing machines.

Anyway, whilst lying in our bed, I asked her if she wore any underwear to school as I hadn't seen any the last couple weeks and she immediately got off the bed and went into her room. Just a simple question. Every time I ask her about her room or clothes she storms off in a mood and I am ignored. So this time I spoke through the door and asked her "Can you please put them in the basket so I can wash them?" Still being ignored, I then said "In case you didn't hear me, just put them in the f*king basket, please!" I feel awful and she feels awful too I am sure, but I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

This
At twelve years of age boys and girls are grown up enough to be able to learn how to load, add detergent to, set the programme and switch on a washing machine.
Get her involved and give her some responsibility rather than the constant asking ‘have you done…….?

Ok so mum out of picture and she’s hiding dirty underwear… I get your frustration but this is an issue for kindness and enquiry, not anger and punishment.

I had/have a soiler. Also hid accident pants. Embarrassment. I dig them out and throw /wash them. She has a food intolerance which causes it - could this be relevant? I have gentle chats and remind her there’s no judgement but hygiene means hiding them isn’t good. I also choose the moment carefully so she’ll be as receptive as possible.

Whatever the reason, please be gentle. Because there is a reason. If need be, go in daily and remove. She is at such a sensitive age. And without her mummy. I know it’s frustrating but this will eventually stop. It’s always just a phase.

fwiw my room was disgusting as a child. Not often dirty but sometimes yes. I wish my mum had done more than shut the door on it. I was a terribly sad child and had no pride in my space. There was a reason.

there’s always a reason. You and her dad need to try to find it. It sounds like you’re a lovely caring mum. Just step back and see this is not naughtiness, just a little girl who’s struggling. Good luck.

Hate to admit it but my DD was a mucky little madam at 12, similar situation with washing and also had to be told again and again and again to get in the shower (where she just got wet and didn’t wash) and to brush her teeth which were sometimes grim.

Eventually she started taking personal hygiene more seriously but she was probably nearly 14, and she still left clothes on the floor until she went off to uni.

She is a very capable adult now whose house looks like a permanent laundry with clean washing drying everywhere.

Please don’t make dad take over, it’s such a sensitive age, that chat with a man would probably be mortifying. you’re doing great, don’t beat yourself up. Apologise and move on. It’s good modelling for kids to see us fuck up and have to sort it out!

one other point - is any of the soiling period related?

I agree that most 12 year olds are capable of learning to put on a wash. If I'm correct that nobody has ever actually taught this girl any life skills and that's a huge part of the reason for her lack of independence, then her dad needs to put that right because it's neglectful. And instead of being shamed, judged and sworn at for the failures of her parents to actually parent her, she needs an apology for having been neglected for so long and then to be taught how to care for herself properly without delay, so she can have some independence and privacy.
I'm honestly so upset and angry for this child. The humiliation she must feel, having her dad's wife shame her and grill her about whether she's worn underwear to school, trying to hide her soiled underwear, being punished by having no carpet in her room. The picture that's been painted of her home life is very troubling.

At age 12 She is soiling underwear all the time? Honestly, I'd take her to the doctor to check there are no underlying health issues. And replace the carpet with hard flooring.

You obviously haven’t had a soiler. It’s not the same thing at all as a ‘normal’ teen mess/untidiness issue. There’s something behind it that needs gentle care. It’s not as simple as ‘when she runs out she’ll wash them’. She’s embarrassed and in panic mode. She’s not thinking straight, not least because she’s 12 and if her mum isn’t around there has certainly been trauma.

not everything requires bombastic parenting. Some kids are different and need different.

I would buy her some nice pants. Multi pack as way of apology and reiterate that all she needs to do is put her dirty laundry in basket to wash. She won’t have been comfortable at school without underwear

She's 12 not a baby so no need to apologise. Swearing is just words, Anglo Saxon words but still just words.

Go with me here, pls give her multivitamins and omega 3 to see if this behaviour is linked to micro nutrient deficiency. Some people need more in their diet. I hope it helps.

I would just leave it you’re fine. My son stomped up the stairs yesterday DH said don’t stamp your feet and I (brilliantly) added OR MY FOOT WILL STOMP ON YOUR ARSE I got the the bottom of the stairs and me and son had a massive laugh 😆

Can’t understand her dad not finishing decorating her room to “punish “ her seems very over the top and no awareness of his daughters issues she doesn’t have her mum and is living with her dad and step mum, it can’t be easy for her.
I can understand a quick swear in frustration but sounds like there is more going on here perhaps embarrassment perhaps trauma from not having her mum this doesn’t help you left dealing with it but try to acknowledge this might help lessen your frustration and messy teens often grow up to have pristine homes

Apologise, show kindness move on look at home pictures talk to her about the reasons and get her room sorted.

I have step children and my own children living with me. I have had occasions when one of them had 12 cups & glasses in their room, couldn't see the floor for clothes.

1 was actually that lazy (DSS) to go to the bathroom pee'd in a bottle in their room several times, I found them hidden - I went ballistic. This stopped after I called them out. And this was a few years back when he was 16/17 and moved to a downstairs bedroom where no toilet

Another has to be prompted to bring down their plates every couple of days. I have tried to do the no food or drinks upstairs which lasts for a few days then they slowly slip back into the old routine. My DSD used to bin cutlery and crockery when she 'cleaned her room', I used to have to fish it out the bin.

The clothes on the floor is a constant for all of them. I used to just go in and collect the clothing from the floordrobe and wash it then I stopped. I started making them do their own washing when they complained they had no clean clothes

I bought them all a small collapsible wash basket for each bedroom which has semi worked. I now make them do their rooms on a Sunday so I can change the beds.

OP, I am the most fastidious person when it comes to hygiene and cleanliness. So much so that my BIL jokes that he would let his children eat off the floor in our house (as long as they ate) 😂

I was sent to my paternal grandparents in early teens for summer and nobody seems to have thought how I am going to cope with periods. It was another country, remote location, no personal money. I had nothing. I did some disgusting things to cope (I will spare you the details), and one day I went to my room and it was all gone and what I needed was there. My grandmother has silently sorted me out and neither of us said a word. 35 years later I am still in awe of how she handled it. So, while your girl may have always been a bit peculiar, there maybe something that she needs graceful support with rather than punishment.

Why is she still and leaving skid marks? You seem to think.it is because she is a stroppy madam. I would start by asking myself what is troubling her.
I can imagine quite a few things from the scenario described.

Still should read "soiling her pants"

It's really concerning that she's soiling her underwear like that at 12. That needs investigating for a start.

Does she have her own laundry basket? It might help for her to not have to take it to a new place when she takes things off. I would give her her own one in her room, and then teach her to do her washing and give her the option of doing it herself or you pop in and take the laundry basket when you are doing a wash. If it's not in the basket it doesn't get washed.

No food upstairs needs to be a firmer rule. I also had dirty plates and things in my room at that age until my mum put that in place. It's hard to remember at the right moment.

Personally I would finish the decorating (including giving her a nice laundry basket) and use that as a chance for a reset rather than punish her with a horrible room that probably doesn't feel like it's worth keeping nice.

I think what you said is understandable and not unreasonable, but this needs a bigger plan.

Nothing snide or snarky about it.

if you don't understand 'projecting' look it up.

Get her a laundry basket for her room.

Every day, go in and if there are any clothes on the floor remind her to pick them up and put them in the basket.
Or if things are being reworn then she needs to pick them up and hang them over a chair.

This needs to happen every day else she might get overwhelmed.

I would also say that now she is older it is her responsibility to help do her own washing and that every Friday tell her to put her laundry in the washing machine and you/her dad will do the rest.
This reduces the embarrassment of having someone else looking at her dirty underwear.

Swearing at her and getting frustrated was obviously not good as she’s obviously not intentionally trying to be a pain.

It sounds like she may be hiding or throwing away her dirty underwear and so I would focus on buying her new underwear.

My DD is ND and had a phase of throwing underwear away.
I used to buy a new pack of underwear regularly from Asda (about £5) and kept stocking up her underwear drawer.
It seems like a waste of money but it helped solve a huge issue that was causing her distress.
I also gave her own washing basket and gave her the option of loading the washing machine herself.
I hardly ever have to buy new underwear anymore.

I would take her to get checked out by the GP to make sure she’s not got a medical problem with her bowels or bladder as that does sound quite odd.

Hiding them is another concern.

Has she started her periods yet?

She won't perish for hearing the word fuck.
My kids would have simply disintegrated if swear words were harmful.
But you do need to get some sort of system in place to manage this.
Maybe her own washing basket in her room?

At school she must have to get changed for PE? If the school find out she is not wearing undies this will be flagged up as neglect and reported to ss

We are all capable of losing it at times. Just apologise and tell her the truth that you are frustrated. However you'd like to discuss the issue and see if you can come to a compromise. Does that mean she loads the machine herself, have her own basket in her room, does she want to see a doctor with you etc. You say she walks away whilst you are trying to talk to her. Write it down in a letter and leave it in her room. Maybe get her dad to tell her that she needs to read it. For him to explain that she is becoming a teenager soon and if she wants to be treated with respect then she needs to communicate.

My teenage daughter does all her own washing. As she’s gotten a bit older she’s taken more pride in her room although it’s still not as I’d like it, it’s her safe space and I leave her to it.

This sounds a bit like my daughter at that age, dirty clothes, used crockery, cutlery, I gave up, closed the door and pretended that her room wasn't part of the house! she is 30 now and her flat is very clean and tidy and well organized, so there is hope!

This is complicated.
There is a long running problem here that could potentially come from many different causes.

It could be triggered by:
Physical health issues
Self-care training
Executive function (potential ND conditions)
Trauma

The worrying bit is that normally around 12, children do catch up to being more self aware and interested in self-care but her response is to shut off and hide, both her emotional response and the physical reaction. It's likely that there is shame in there. I'd assume that you have tried to deal with this with patience before swearing in frustration.

To deal with this effectively, the cause needs to be identified.

Have you tried to acknowledge how she feels in trying to manage this? It's likely that external help such as the GP will be needed, but you need to know what angle you're going at it from.

Are there any other aspects of life that can help indicate the cause?