Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

[Humal93]

Not my proudest moment to say the least.

Bit of a background:

Been with step daughter since she was 7 and she is now 12 and I and my husband are constantly finding soiled underwear beneath other dirty clothes spewed in all parts of her room. I thought perhaps she was somewhat embarrassed about me washing her underwear so would hide them in her room, but hubby says she has always been like this from the very beginning. So I thought maybe it's just an age thing, but it's not right as much of her other clothing is just left on the floor and never placed in the laundry basket to be washed unless reminded to then I am left with a large batch of clothing to wash... Blessed are we with washing machines.

Anyway, whilst lying in our bed, I asked her if she wore any underwear to school as I hadn't seen any the last couple weeks and she immediately got off the bed and went into her room. Just a simple question. Every time I ask her about her room or clothes she storms off in a mood and I am ignored. So this time I spoke through the door and asked her "Can you please put them in the basket so I can wash them?" Still being ignored, I then said "In case you didn't hear me, just put them in the f*king basket, please!" I feel awful and she feels awful too I am sure, but I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

If the room's partly through being redecorated and re-furnished, try to arrange the room to avoid dead, cluttery corners and gaps. Try and keep the furnishing neat and efficient.

I have ND children with poor executive function and they're much tidier with rooms that have beds that either come to the floor/ efficient storage, but no dead space to shove/slide things under. Their drawers are in wardrobes that hide clear/ mesh fronts, but they can see what's in them. Their laundry boxes are open boxes- no faffing with lids to get in the way. Everything is laid out as simply as efficiently as posdible, and not dark crevices to accumulate micellaneous grot.

This won't be a complete answer, but it can help make the symptoms easier to keep on top of.

She is the father's wife. She is the step-mother. They are indeed related. The same way my sister's husband is related to me. By marriage.

She's not cleaning herself properly then, this really needs to be addressed.

The central point here is not whether she is stroppy and uncooperative over laundry and having a tidy room.
It is the issue of a12 year old soiling her pants or being unable to wipe her bottom properly that matters. This needs looking into.
She either has a medical problem or is an unhappy lass. Both need addressing.
Heaping blame on her and making her feel worthless do not help.

But this 12 year old cant be left to her own devices, she's leaving shit stained knickers about, filling a suitcase with dirty plates and glasses, leaving wet clothes to the point they're infested with maggots!! This isn't normal!! This is well beyond a bit messy!

...which all means she is very troubled.... this is what needs tackling.

Yes.

I was in middle management in a secondary school for some time

Unless there is some kind of a developmental issue, we were told that the reasons for this behaviour are usually one of the following.

Poor parenting and failure to teach proper hygiene.

Faecal impaction and/or a food intolerance leading to spurious diarrhoea.

A physical problem.

Sexual abuse.

I hesitated to write down the last, but we were told that children will sometimes behave in this manner in order to deter predators.

The last time I had to deal with something like this, the cause was faecal impaction and spurious diarrhoea. (This was an adolescent boy who had a dreadful odour.)

For nearly three yrs, the parents blamed him: "It's his responsibility to wash his own clothes." The smell was so bad that the janitor actually threw out some chairs, rather than disinfecting them.

In the end, the Yr Head persuaded the parents to allow a district nurse to speak to the boy. The problem was quickly cured and the boy went on to have a much happier social life.

Agreed

@MyPearlCrow You obviously haven’t had a soiler. It’s not the same thing at all as a ‘normal’ teen mess/untidiness issue. There’s something behind it that needs gentle care. It’s not as simple as ‘when she runs out she’ll wash them’. She’s embarrassed and in panic mode. She’s not thinking straight, not least because she’s 12 and if her mum isn’t around there has certainly been trauma.
not everything requires bombastic parenting. Some kids are different and need different

Don't tell me what I’ve had and haven’t had, thanks. I had one who used to have shit stains on the inside of their shorts/jeans outside their undies. I also have one with ASD who was none too big on the personal hygiene in that area. Also had one who had period leaks from time to time. Then others, who I guess, you, yourself, class a ‘normal’🙄. Irrespective, the problems not solved by tiptoeing around and fucking spiders, lessons need to happen and sometimes that can be an easy way and sometimes it can’t be.

As others have mentioned I'd suggest taking her to the GP. For years as a child I had constipation leading to impaction and overflow (didn't know that at the time). My parents largely ignored it but occassionally had words with me about 'making sure I wipe properly'. I was too embarrassed to explain that stool was literally leaking out of me and I had no control over it so I would promise to try harder whilst knowing it was a promise I couldn't keep. I was never taken to a GP and now have life long bowel issues.

Soiling and hiding underwear are not normal at the age and constipation/leaking stool is really common in children.

To the OP - please help this poor lass. As many on here have explained, soiling is usually a medical problem.

The issue of an untidy room is entirely separate.

I worked for CAMHS and remember vividly a poor young lad who was being treated for many years by a psychotherapist because of his soiling which she thought was because he had not been breast fed for long enough (God help us!) - when he came onto my books I insisted he was was seen by a paediatrician - and lo and behold he had impaction etc.

Please help your step daughter. Where else can she turn?

This has been going on a long time.
If she isn't wearing underwear to school or wearing dirty underwear you would be the one getting the blame.
Tell her which day of the week you expect her to bring her washing basket down, let her put her clothes in the machine.
Tell her that at her age she should be putting her clothes away and not leaving dirty clothes on the floor.
How many pairs does she have ?
Does she need a bra and if so how many does she have?
Have you spoken to her about periods?

Other than the soiled underwear this was me at that age with my step mum, I still am a terribly disorganised, untidy person it's who I am, I try to implement routines etc but I cannot - I have been told repeatedly I probably have ADHD etc but honestly I'm probably a bit of a hoarder too, I don't even realise I'm doing it until it's too much to deal with and then I just bag, pile or ram stuff in cupboards to feel a little in control, my step mum was super clean and tidy and I know I drove her insane but the shame and anger that comes with someone pointing our your biggest flaw and insecurity stressed me more than the mess and made me feel so annoyed with myself.
I'm now a mum of 4 (SM to 1)who can see it from the other side and I wish now we had maybe just sat and each said how the mess impacts us as-in " on the days I am off work and want to spend time doing things as a family we sometimes find that the hidden mess means we have to delay fun days out etc which impacts everyone but I realise this isn't something you do on purpose so maybe a daily laundry call where everyone brings all the washing they can find to be washed will mean no more piles building up but if they do the sooner you say the sooner it will be sorted" and on her part an agreement that she will try - try is all she can do as a promise it won't happen again will likely be broken so just trying - also is she responsive to praise for dealing with the stresses of sorting the piles/bags/mess? I doubt she is doing this on purpose, I had 4 brothers and I was by far the most messy/unhygienic leaving plates etc for weeks, your stress and reaction was 100% warranted, I do also feel for her too because that age is just a lot of feelings and it's hard to keep on top of the way she reacts to the valid statement of you wanting the bare minimum of not hoarding mess - it gets better btw - I'm not by any means my step mums level of clean and tidy but by late teens I was back to less feral hoarder

She's obviously really struggling and possibly phobic about this issue so proper help is required.

Simple discussion, swearing and shouting are not going to solve it.

Is she embarrassed about her soiled underwear and doesn't want anyone seeing/handling it? Can she have one of those zip mesh laundry bags in her room and put her underwear in that, straight into the washing machine? Do her own laundry?

Does she get pocket money? We got a chore chart from amazon and if stepson doesn't do the items on there then we reduce pocket money. We put on there to do his washing, dust bedroom, hoover room, dishwasher, put bins out (it's got stuff on there for both me and my husband as well). And we don't bother reminding him, just deduct money when things aren't done. He was well miffed when he only recieved £15 instead of his £60 for the month and couldn't pay for his gym or hair cut.
The other option is to put black rice down in your SD room and pretend it's mice dropping and see if that makes her clean her room. I've read parents doing that and it seems to work.
Maybe she has something wrong with her belly or bum to keep leaving skid marks like constipation and then leaking poo in her knickers though so best to sit down and see if everything is OK.
Also I swore at my 17 year old stepson once after he started doing washing up with just cold water, told him to do it again and then now I was going to have to monitor him. He rudely said "well you don't have to stay up I can bloody do it on my own and now I'm going to go to bed late cos of this" (id been asking him for 45 mins to do the washing up) and I said " well clearly you f**king can't otherwise you wouldn't have tried washing up with cold bloody water and now I have to stay up late just to watch to make sure you do it properly!" and no I didn't apologise for swearing at him

Can u text her? That's how I communicate with my 13 yr old lol. She used to leave her sanitary towels still in her knickers. I joked to her about it and now she doesn't do it anymore.

Ha I did the rat droppings and my daughter just refused to go back in her room and slept on the sofa!

This.

Agree this with dad upfront though. Say she’ll not learn that clean washing doesn’t magically appear from her floor into drawers and on hangers, until she has a go at work involved and you want him to back you to the hilt.

Then one more warning…dear x, as much as we love you we do not like your lack of consideration for the jobs thst need to be done in house. At 12 you are now old enough to use a washing machine, drier or hang clothes out. And yes, even iron. I will continue to do your washing, with rest of familes, if it’s bought downstairs on first time asked, or left in proper laundry basket without prompting continuously. But if you leave it lying around, there it stays until YOU do something about it and wash it yourself. This weekend I’m going to show you how to wash your own clothes, use machine and then we’ll start on showing you how to iron over next few weeks. It’s then your decision on how you want to manage cleaning of your clothes.

same goes with all other crap in her room. If there’s any. You do not move it out . At 12 she’d needs to be tidying her own room weekly and cleaning fortnightly contingent on her receding pocket money/allowance.

kids can operate way more complex things than washers, like phones and game box, these days from a very young age. A washing machine is simple. Driers need a bit more safety awareness, but ifvyou keep it lint free if you have one it’ll not be issue. And she perfectly capable of understanding that key safety point re driers.

I know you think it’ll be slightly more expensive for her to do her own laundry in separate load , but it’s a small price worth paying for rows stopping. Yep, she’ll learn the hard way by running out of pants of school tops..but you’ll also have given her valuable life skills in knowing how to do washing, and can keep it up by occasionally asking her to put a load on, hang washing out etc

by 14 my grandmother was in domestic service. SOLEY the only house maid. Not unusual in 1930s. Solely in charge of washing, ironing, making up fires, cooking etc . By 12 she’d have already had to learn thos3 tasks at home, like most working class girls would have done. Careful supervision needed to start with, but it’s a lot safer now than back then.

by age of 11 I was doing my entire familes ironing on Sunday, that included 4 sets of top and bottom sheets and pillow cases , (flat sheets no duvet covers back then) my dads 7 cotton hankies, cotton vests, cotton y front, cotton shirts ..and my brothers school shirts. Plus mine . And anything else like table cloths, knapkins etc God I hated it, hate ironing still with vengeance. But I was more than capable of doing it safely.

oh, and show her this video too

I think your SD needs help.

It’s ultimately on her parental figures to ensure her environment is clean when she cannot or will not keep it so herself. She is acting in a way that outside what is considered typical for her age. I think you should attempt to get her some support. Is she disorganised in other ways? Is she an anxious child?

"...or it gets the hose again."

This is where my mind went, too.

Ok, have you discussed this with her? The marks? Many parents don’t teach their kids to wipe properly. Easpecially importsnt with girls re front to back rule and discussing risks of UTIs etc.

have that talk first. But ask dad to ask her mum (if around) if she would prefer to have that convo with daughter. I don’t see issue with gentle discussion on these lines form step mum, but best to ask first. don’t ask dad to do it..at 12 that’s almost traumatising 😱 for a pre teen

if it’s more than just not wiping properly, then GP. it could indicate bigger issues.

make it light conversation, talk about when something like thst happened to you (make it up if have to) and that’s why we have underwear (people forget this ) . Also tlak about what happens if she has accidents on her periods. Wash out immedately in cold water, don’t leave, but where she should do this, where to leave till dry and then be able to put in laundry bag. God, my mum had a right go at me about my many accidents with periods, she seemed to lack any knowledge that it’s hot uncommon for some girls who have heavy bleeding or unreliable cycles. When I got to university and met up with my house mate, she had a pail in our bathroom spepcfically for soiled undies to soak overnight- her mum (a sexual health clinic nurse) had always done this and it was a revelation to know it was normal .

undies are there to be washed and stop outer clothes spilling. They’re doing their job. She just needs help in knowing how to deal with rinsing and managing this. Or better wiping. Or GP if she’s having issue defecating

BUT, it is still not acceptable to let her les e dirty clothes in room festering. It doesn’t let her off thst hook.