Told my stepdaughter to "put them in the f*king basket"! 😔

[Humal93]

Not my proudest moment to say the least.

Bit of a background:

Been with step daughter since she was 7 and she is now 12 and I and my husband are constantly finding soiled underwear beneath other dirty clothes spewed in all parts of her room. I thought perhaps she was somewhat embarrassed about me washing her underwear so would hide them in her room, but hubby says she has always been like this from the very beginning. So I thought maybe it's just an age thing, but it's not right as much of her other clothing is just left on the floor and never placed in the laundry basket to be washed unless reminded to then I am left with a large batch of clothing to wash... Blessed are we with washing machines.

Anyway, whilst lying in our bed, I asked her if she wore any underwear to school as I hadn't seen any the last couple weeks and she immediately got off the bed and went into her room. Just a simple question. Every time I ask her about her room or clothes she storms off in a mood and I am ignored. So this time I spoke through the door and asked her "Can you please put them in the basket so I can wash them?" Still being ignored, I then said "In case you didn't hear me, just put them in the f*king basket, please!" I feel awful and she feels awful too I am sure, but I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

Why has your husband never taught her how to wipe her bum? You state he has said she has always been like this? So why did he not nip it in the bud when she was a young child?

I think if a 12yo is soiling and hiding soiled underwear, I'd be wondering what was behind that behaviour. Is there something making her unhappy or stressed? It's unlikely to be just bad behaviour, and she may not clearly know herself why she does it.

Yes, it's exasperating to have to clean up, but swear at her won't help.

It sounds like there are maybe wider issues at play here, but tbh who likes seeing/handling other people’s dirty undies OR having yours handled by someone else : I didn’t as a teen

OP: how about getting some of those mesh laundry bags and asking her to put them in that, then they go directly into the washer in the bag. This is what we do for guests/if staying with family ourselves for a bit of privacy

Maybe she is having her periods but can’t tell her dad to buy her new pants and sanitary towels so she’s having to throw her pants away.

Ouch. I’m really feeling for this kid. She must be mortified. It’s bad enough having to handle mighty body changes and all the bewilderment that comes with it but being shamed on every level Is bang out of order. Sorry (not sorry) to bring up neurodiversity but my autistic DD s room always has been like this, and she struggled with self care all though puberty. Be kind- people saying she should have grown out of this- at 12 she’s still a child.

This is dreadful advice.

OP, I hope you can apologise for swearing at her and that you and her father can come up with a plan to support her to be more independent and take care of herself. Reading between the lines, her mum doesn't appear to be on the scene much or at all. That's very difficult for any child, but especially when she's at an age where she's going through some big changes. She needs privacy - it's not right that her dad's wife is going through her used underwear - but with that comes responsibility. And she needs compassionate leadership and support to be able to handle the responsibilities and care for herself.

I was similar at her age (now going through ASD/ADHD diagnosis as my dc are diagnosed).

Once a week just ask her to to put her washing straight in the machine, maybe teach her to use it, I do this with my DD’s, both have always been pretty unhygienic but neither are embarrassed about it.

Try not to make a huge deal out of it, just get her to help with the washing, she’s old enough to put her clothes in the wash.

I was always embarrassed about my mum washing my dirty underwear, especially once I started my periods….and just before.

@Humal93 have you tried just giving her a laundry basket in her room?

I came on here thinking it was a silence of the lambs thread, I'm so disappointed

This. My DD (11) is not much better though thank goodness they are not soiled often any more.
Both DCs wash their clothes every weekend and with DD I or DH supervise picking up her clothes off the floor or behind the bed most nights before bed.

Sounds like a much bigger issue going on here. Did she live full time with her dad after the split? This might have been when it started, she was probably too embarrassed to say anything and unless he addressed it with her what does he expect.
Has he had a chat with her about it? Is he leaving it to you because it makes him uncomfortable? If that's the case then that might explain the behaviour in the first place.

All of this 👆

Dreadful why?

The OP swore at her through frustration at this dirty job she’s somehow been left to do.

Privacy can’t be expected to fully be respected when someone isn’t just messy, they’re dirty and are causing potential issues for others in the home.

“Supporting her to be more independent” at this age usually involves days out alone, public transport alone, managing a personal budget. Not this.

They need to be going in hard and fast before this becomes even more of an issue.

Well u bin half of them and then after 4/5 days when she learns she has no clean underwear she will have to put them in the basket. New house rules no washing unless in the basket that includes school uniforms if u go in dirty clothes its on you

"Just a simple question" 🙄

She is related - she has been her step mother for 5 years.

I'm wondering that too.

If it’s skids rather than actual soiling then she’s not wiping properly. Someone didn’t teach her.

IMO you need to apologise and ask that she speaks to you, her dad, another family member or trusted adult about personal hygiene.

While doing up her room put a washing basket in. Teach her to use the washing machine and support her to start looking after her own space and belongings.

Sounds like she has run out of pants and gone to school without any on.

I was terribly untidy child, couldn’t see the floor in my room. Some people need teaching, I would have appreciated it! Probably will be told I was just a dumb child but some people just really struggle with that sort of thing. Leading by example doesn’t cut it sometimes (not that my parents were particularly tidy!).

1. Is she soiling her pants because she is constipated /has overflow ? See below, she might need to see GP

https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bowels/soiling/

1. Is she specifically hiding/embarrassed about the underwear or is it just part of the general chaos? If it is the underwear, who is close to her to just try and talk kindly about it? You, her dad, a female relative? Could you give her options- eg. to have a little bag in her room to collect them and then put them into wash herself?

This child seems to have the hide of a rhino no way will children of this age not have noticed the stink of an unclean butt

Either way she needs her dad to give her excruciating instructions on wiping and putting her clothes in the wash no more pandering I have a 12 year old with sen he puts his clothes in the basket yes sometimes I have to raise my voice but he does it and if he messes about I make him pick you his big brothers socks too for practice (16 year old lazy boy who clears up once a week minimum)

You would want to have a conversation about this with your father instead, as a pre teen girl? She hasn’t taken up with the Dad and walked in off the street last Tuesday, she’s known this girl half her life. My DSD is a couple of years younger, I’ve been in her life for 8 years, and she would 100% rather talk to me than her Dad about stuff like that simply because I’m a woman and she feels comfier! She and her Dad are very close and get plenty of 1:1 time but she and I are close too and when it comes to facts of life/changing bodies she definitely comes to me over him even just to clarify things she’s heard at school etc.

My instinct is that something’s not right. Leaving clothes where they drop is isn’t unusual, but specifically hiding soiled underwear plus throwing a strop when asked to put it in the washing basket feels like something’s wrong. I might be tempted to send her to counsellor to see if they can ask the right questions to find out why.

Her father needs to take her to the doctor. Does she have encopresis? I’d be concerned about overflow if the soiling is dry, gritty, hard to clean.

OP what is your relationship with her like generally? I would stop all food and drink upstairs immediately but you lead by example so it has to be consistent for all of you.
Does she shower daily? Maybe start there so you know she is cleaning her bum properly in the shower, if wiping after a poo leaves some residue that transfers to her underwear. In our house the kids clean their bedrooms every weekend, without exception. They have the privilege of their own bedrooms but the pay off is that they keep them clean. Show her how to use the washing machine and give her a washing basket.
Good luck, pre teenage and teenage girls can be difficult and it will be testing. She may be embarrassed to talk to you but her father and you need to work out the best approach.