To not send DD10 into sport day tomo..

[SchmortzDay]

For context, DD is very active - she plays for the local girls football club and is part of a swim team and gymnastics club. But she hates sports day with a passion and always seems to be assigned a ‘novelty’ race, which causes her anxiety and embarrassment. She’s asked to be in a normal activity and has been fobbed off 2 years in a row.

She doesn’t have time off ever, hardly ever unwell and I’ve never done something like this before, but given it’s also going to be 30°c here tomo afternoon, I’m inclined to make an exception and let her have a day off at home (‘sick’). She’s a good kid and hasn’t asked for the day off, but I know it would be very well received.

What’s the verdict MN’ers!?

A seriously impressive young lady. Well done her.

My mom always tells stories of how she felt so sad seeing me come last at sports day, how I’d be last across the line and everyone would clap me out of sympathy. Funny thing is I can’t remember a thing about it! I’m genuinely terrible at all sports and I’m sure I dreaded running races at the time, but it certainly hasn’t stayed with me! What maybe has stayed with me is that even if I hate something, even if it scares me or embarrasses me (work presentations/interviews etc) that I still push through and do my best. Which is obviously the most important thing! I also recognise that just because I’m bad at something, doesn’t mean that other people don’t deserve the chance to shine and I’m happy to be supportive in those situations. Seriously, don’t overthink it. It’s a school day, they go to school. There’ll be loads of other non- sporty kids there, powering through too. It’s not the olympics!

Sounds like you have a great relationship for her to be able to talk it out with you. You've got a strong kid there.

Take her for a day out!
Bloody sports day ... some children just hate it ... I know I did.
And the argument that when grown up she will have to do things she does not like so she might as well get used to it doesnt really wash. Hopefully those things will have dome point which makes it sensible to suck it up ... sports day does not.

By the way I share the abhorrent of the word resilience. It is just an excuse for absence of sensitivity.

But this is you. Other people are different to you.

I’m nearly fifty and I still remember a secondary school sports day where I was forced to compete (in discus, I was shit at it). I remember the anxiety building up for days before. I remember where I was stood on the school field, I remember how I felt standing in line waiting for my turn, I remember how I felt having to walk up to the spot with everyone watching me. It’s humiliating. It’s traumatic. Yes I did go on to have fairly major mental health issues (not saying this sports day was the reason, it was part of a much bigger picture). I am absolutely fine now. I would have been fine sooner without being put through bloody sports day.

It’s great that you did not suffer as a result of being made to do sports day. But not everyone is like you and many children are experience extreme anxiety over it and are genuinely traumatised by it. Forcing someone into a situation they feel this anxious about is much more likely to have a harmful effect than a positive one. A bit of reading about child and teenage mental health will make that very clear very quickly.

I'm glad it's all so Enid Blyton in your world but as I and a number of other posters have attested, that really isn't standard procedure. For a start all schools seem to run their events differently. Personally I loved the novelty events because they were much less competitive and there was genuinely a sense of fun about it. However I accept that we're all different and that clearly isn't the case for the OP's daughter. I really hope she manages to enjoy today and I think she will really appreciate that you gave her the choice to go or stay, @SchmortzDay . That is part of building trust between you and a good relationship marker.

My experience is most definitely not that you get applause for participation. If you didn't do well, you got abuse. It was fucking horrible.

I wonder if, 20 years from now, the girls in your tutor group will be writing on MN to say they were glad you made them participate and how character building that was or if they'll be moaning about the gargoyle teacher they held a grudge against for the same and how it helped to put them off competitive sports forever?

I find it interesting that something surely originally conceived as a fun event has had such a complete and catastrophic reversal. People are dismissive of how much some of us hated it and I don't know why they can't accept that other people can have such different experiences to their own. It's a bit like the whole "oh I only use one box of Tampax super light every six months so period poverty and other people's heavy flow can't be real" bullshit I often see here. Please understand: I hated sports day with a passion and would rather have spent the day cleaning toilets than participated in that. Many others here have said the same. You may not agree or approve but it is a fact.

Something has gone very wrong with sports day and I don't know what it is but it actually applies to PE lessons in general. So many people, myself included, point out that their experience of sports in school was enough to put them off sports for their whole life. What's that about? It needs to be looked at and changed because that's definitely doing teaching wrong. It's doing education wrong. The subject which in theory probably has the most potential to be good fun out of all lessons traumatises maybe half of all pupils. That's just unacceptable. I know there are some teachers reading this thread (I don't know if they are PE teachers specifically) but do you have any ideas about this?

In my view a part of the problem is the inability/unwillingness of the education system to look at children as individuals and show that some respect. I know state education can't be personalised according to each child's whim but the one size fits all approach leads to an unreasonable number of failures both in effort and results.

I’m sorry, but I totally disagree. The conflation of general mental health problems (almost always linked to childhood ACEs) with the anxiety kids feel over sports day really is really misleading. Good parents will support kids through anxiety inducing experiences, build their confidence and congratulate them when it’s over. So that next time they feel a bit less anxious. Avoidance is the worst possible tactic and the tendency of people to avoid situations rather ham just get on with it is leading to much worse mental health overall.
And it’s not just my own personal experience, it’s my experience of bringing up three very different kids. They’ve all been anxious over different things at different times…school, swimming lessons, joining a new cricket club, exams. On none of those occasions did I say ‘oh just stay at home then’. Because when they get to the big things…GCSEs, getting their first job, leaving home…they wouldn’t have learnt that you can overcome anxiety and that things aren’t as bad as you build them up to be in your mind. Some parents are bad parents and don’t teach those coping skills because it’s easier to be ‘kind’ and let them avoid. But in the long run it’s not kind. Because the world is uncaring and we need to prepare them for that.

I am glad that's how you felt. Can you grasp however, that not everyone would have felt like you?

Of course I can. However, I can also grasp that how we ‘feel’ about things isn’t always massively relevant and constant navel gazing is more destructive than just having a bad day and getting over it. It’s once a year! I feel more for the poor kids who are humiliated day in day out by having a lower level of intelligence than average and struggling in class and yet having to cope. Often some of those kids have their one moment in the spotlight on sorts day…just go along and cheer for them. The one job you should be doing as a parent is giving your child the confidence to cope with other people’s opinions, not telling them their feelings of embarrassment are valid!

So feeling humiliation about lacking intelligence is valid, but feeling embarrassment about lacking in athleticism is not?

I agree with going and cheering but NOT with being required to compete.

you might feel that how you felt is more relevant if it had affected you?

Both feelings are valid. All feelings are valid. However overcoming those feelings and learning coping strategies is what’s important. With support from a loving parent who loves you unconditionally won’t or lose.

For non sporty chidlren sports day is like asking a child to play a clarinet solo in a concert when they don't know how to play the instrument.

How about we validate everyone's feelings by allowing those who enjoy sports day to take part and allowing those who do not to opt out?

This.

This is so true. Or asking a dyslexic child to read a new text in assembly

I kept mine off today. He wasn’t looking forward to it this year and with hay fever misery combined with a lack of sleep the last few nights from being too hot, tbh it wasn’t a tough decision. It’s not that big a deal. I wasn’t going to insist he take part as a ‘resilience building exercise’. Not every single thing in life is that deep.

People talking about interviews and presentations at work- those are necessary things or have benefits from doing them. There is no benefit to sports day and it isn’t necessary.

@JudesBiggestFanBut in the real world, it absolutely won’t be detrimental to a child as an adult if they lack athleticism. Adults are never forced to participate in competitive sports in front of other people. Yes being active is important for health but that’s totally different than competing in front of others.

@JudesBiggestFan it is possible for kids to excel academically and at sports and to struggle with both so it’s very likely you may have the clever ones getting even more praise and those who struggle with literacy and numeracy feeling even worse about themselves.

And puts children off being active, so has exactly the opposite effect to what school PE is supposed to be about!

If there was any bullying behaviour on the day I hope you noted it all down and raised it with the school allowing this.