Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

With the exception of dinner and the nappy thing, I’m a bit like your DH. For me, it’s an anxiety thing - I need to do everything slowly otherwise I’ll do it wrong and DH (who, like you, is super speedy) will get irritated and wonder why I’ve done it wrong. He doesn’t realise how irritable he comes across as he says it in a rush and a panic, and I don’t realise how frustrating I am because I’m so focused on being meticulous.

My DH is of the same breed I'm afraid, so at least you're not alone in your frustration 😜 Me I'm more like the Duracel rabbit. We're older than you are, 65 and 67. I'm afraid it doesn't get better with age. Usually I do things myself rather than asking him to do them. On the day I have a TaiChi class untill 5 I start prepping for dinner before I leave. He waits untill I come back to say he can prepare dinner if I want him to. I usually order him to get us some wine 😜

Bloody hell. He sounds awful - and selfish.

is he ill?? I used to have a ‘friend’ who did things in slow motion and she said it was her thyroid …

Did you not know him for long before you married/had DC with this man? Or is this new behaviour?

I couldn’t stand living like this, but I never would’ve married a faffer

Academia is part of the regular world.

Do you regularly prepare and deliver hour long presentations?
Have you ever designed and carried out research to further knowledge in a given field?
Have you regularly written and published work?
Have you ever marked 100 3k word essays with written individual feedback?

No, didn't think so.

I suppose you're too busy doing a 'real' job. Bet you enjoyed the real money he got paid from his not real job though didn't you?

"For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way"

You don't say....😂

Seriously, though, like others wondered, ND/ADHD/OCD or similar/combo. When did you first notice this behaviour?

Jesus I would have left him. There’s ’a bit slow’ and then there’s your DP! All of these examples would have driven me to snapping. But…you must have known he was like this before you married him! He won’t change…this is who he is. So you either accept him like this or get rid! 🤷‍♀️

And as for eating at 10.30….just no!! This is extremely in the ‘he can fuck right off’ category! I’m usually in bed by 10 (sometimes earlier) as I’m up at 5am. I eat no later than 7 as it would make me so uncomfortable to go to bed on a full stomach 🥴

Oh god, the 'no sense of urgency' thing!!

I feel your pain. DH is occasionally like this with some things (not with most though and it tends to be me who's appalling at time-keeping, estimating how long it'll take to leave the house, etc. He tends to build in fake earlier deadlines to accommodate this!). If I ask for something in an urgent manner, it doesn't always filter through. But. Nothing like the OP.

I am sorry after reading your post. I have had 2 bad marriages where both husbands were bullies. Not going further into that. Why the heck are you two still together, when all you can do is complain about him? So he does things slower then you, so what? Why don't you slow down? I am presuming you won't. So it is a case of your way or nothing? What will happen if your daughter does not do things your way as she grows up? I think you need to take a log hard look at yourself, & if you can't accept your partner for who he is, then maybe it is time to end your relationship. I feel very sorry for your partner.

‘Just a dick’! That made me laugh, but it’s so true.
It crossed my mind though, we only hear on here about the bad ones (obviously). Makes me realise how lucky I was with my late husband. He stepped up to anything and everything, was loving, generous and a great dad and granddad as well. Ok, there were times when I could have killed him, and no doubt, him me, but that is normal and would have been a strange marriage if we had never crossed swords
I really wish all women could have a man like that. I was beyond lucky and we were together for 57 years until his death.

I feel your pain. Fortunately no kids with my dh and we are retired but I have to bite my tongue and curb my unkind thoughts. A lot.

This does sound infuriating! My kids are a bit like this. One does everything really quickly. One really slowly. Can you agree on times for things - e.g. agree to be in the car or leave the beach with everyone ready at a set time? That way you can start to at least highlight where it’s him who needs to start getting ready sooner, or needs to build in more time. You could do the same with eating? Where you can set expectations it might make it more manageable dealing with the times you can’t?!

There's a large gulf between not making dinner earlier than 9:30-10:30, or spending 25 minutes in a tiny Spar shop, and 'rushing around doing everything at 1000mph'.

Have you talked about it properly though? Does he really think you're 'just a bit full on' because you want dinner earlier than 10:30pm, for example?

Exactly my point.

No, what I meant was that the OP wishing to eat dinner sooner than 10:30pm etc is not her 'rushing around doing everything at 1000mph'; it's perfectly normal and reasonable.

oh Gawd! He sounds like a teenager.. a cross between Kevin & Perry.. 😩🤨🤦‍♀️🤣 I feel your pain.. I’m always sat waiting for my husband & youngest who is actually 21. They know we are off out but sit down between each task.. brush hair.. sit down.. go to put shoes on.. sit down before going to shoe cupboard.. why.. 🤦‍♀️😩🤨🤣🤷‍♀️ is it a male thing! I feel your frustration but definitely sort out the eating so late it’s not good for either of you!

Yes I agree that eating that late is ridiculous. But, at the time I made my comment we didn’t know whether the op is a 1000mph person - not necessarily about dinner but in general. Hence them being incompatible in this respect - a hare and a Tortoise.

But I agree, there’s no way I’d be waiting till 10pm for dinner. I’d be hangry!

Reminds me of when we went to stay with DHs aunt. We had tickets for something at 10am so I’d worked out the timings and we’d all agreed we’d leave the house at 9am, it got to 8:50 and we got the kids ready, shoes on go to the loo etc, aunt is sat there dressed with shoes on, just as we’re walking out the door at 9 she announces if we’re all ready she’ll get changed now and goes upstairs to change her outfit, apparently she has ‘indoor clothes’ and ‘outdoor clothes’ - quite why she thought it made more sense for two preschool age children to hang around waiting for her to get ready rather than the other way around is beyond me.

You dated, married and had a family with this man, which presumably gave you a lot of exposure to his pace. So, why has this become an issue now? Is it new behaviour, or an escalation? Or are you more irritated with habitual behaviour because your own life now needs a faster pace? Managing it depends on which of these is the case. Because if its new, then I think it does indicate something isn't right with him, stress, depression, conditions like low iron, hormones or diabetes could cause this. Or even deliberate passive aggression towards you. If he's always been this way and it's suddenly become an issue, then you need to think why you have less patience now than you have up till now.

I don't think you are at well suited to say the least.

What do you see in him?

He seems to have upper and be in control. A very frustrating person

Have you ever watched Couples Therapyon BBC2. New series on soon
Gets to the bottom of why couples act out the way they do.

Hope you sort things out and your relationship improves

Well, the OP says, 'For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example'.
But in any case, one doesn't need to know how far the other way the other person goes to appreciate that 10.30 dinner, or strolling across a car park while the other person wrangles a baby/small child, is simply too late/slow.

Does he got to work on time? Events that just involve him? Is he always slow and will keep everyone waiting or does he just do it to you?

Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing? If recent, he could be ill

If hes always been like this, are you simply sick to death of him generally now? Because you must be used to it?

How does he cope at work or is he only like this around you and the children?

I have a friend like this and she also always vastly underestimates how long a thing will take her. I used to believe her when she said ‘I’ll be around in 10 minutes’ only to discover 30 mins later she’d not even left the house. In her head, she actually still thinks it’s 10 minutes though - I don’t really get that. It’s like total time blindness.

But as another PP said, what’s he like at work? If everything takes 3 times longer than it should, I can’t imagine that would go down well with an employer. On one hand, I like the laidback, unhurried approach to life but I also get that it’s incredibly maddening.