Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

My partner went for a poo when I was in labour and just got back in time for the birth. We arrived at the hospital and got to the room and they said I was 4cm and he asked if he could use the toilet and they said to use the one down the corridor. He was there 20 minutes and my slight labour pains turned into full 10/10 pains. 🫣 I was on pushing the head out when he came back and walked into the room asking if I wanted a sandwich. 🤣 To be fair I didn't expect to go from 4cm-10cm in 20 minutes. But I was fuming at the time.

Not everyone goes at this speed and maybe…maybe if you notice it then it is because you’d like not to have too aswell?

In any case, breathe and ask him to go faster if you really need but then if he isn’t used to…that might create some hurdles and things for you to do 😂😂😂

Tasks expand to fill the time available. It’s why retired people feel like a day with 2 errands is full on while a busy working mum would do them in 5 minutes. Do his slothful ways get him out of housework and errands? If he’s got all the time in the world it’s naturally to take it. It would drive me mad and I’d be constantly shouting at him to fill his finger out. The shop example is super rude.

My step son is exactly like this as a child and I did point out to my DP, he is going to be some poor woman’s AIBU one day for this very reason. It can end up ruining a lot of things as everyone is frustrated. It is an obviousness to everything and everyone but also if you go slower you have less chance of being expected to do something as someone else will do it faster than him. He knows what he is doing... I have no answer or solution I’m afraid

Sympathies with all of you who also have a dawdling other half. I catch mysellf hopping from side to side, like some sort of springy speed skater, if I ever get stuck behind DH. My body can’t function going at such a dithering pace.

Shall we start a commune for the efficient and leave them to it?

I have the same dynamic with my DH, used to drive me a bit batty but after 30 years together and having been through some shit I’ve learned that it’s just the way we are, neither of us are right or wrong but what is wrong is expecting the other to change to our demands. In the past I’ve felt held back by his indecision and lack of drive but these days I recognise the positive influence it’s had on me at teaching me patience and understanding. Those things you’ve mentioned only really matter in the moment. In the grand scheme of things they’re not that important. When something important does happen in your relationship that might become more obvious. Go easy on each other

DH is like this. However, when it's something he wants to do, especially around his hobby or his DF, he's super organised and speedy.

It's a choice.

Another thing that may or may not help, my DH has undoubtably got (inattentive) ADHD (DD is diagnosed and they are identical) and I’ve learned that this is just the way he operates and actually he and my DD both struggle massively mentally with their inability to be organised. If someone is constantly chipping away telling you that you should be a different person to the one you are naturally then that is going to have a profound effect on your mental health at some point. School and work has done that to my two and I’ve probably added to it with my irritation of their behaviour before I learned about their ADHD.

PDA?

He seems to be just sleep walking through life. How nice to be utterly unbothered by how his actions or lack thereof impact those around him. How on earth does he manage at work? What does he do for a living?

This would stress me out.. I can get things done quickly.
Has he always been like this ?

😂

Could he have ADHD?

It sounds like his processing speed is stuck in first gear.

What does he do for a living?

I’ve put YABU purely because he must have been like this when you married. But I also sympathise - my DH faffs no end even though he’s also doing stuff. There’s no way I could wait till 9.30-10pm to eat - I’d be getting my own!

But, as others have pointed out, that was before they had a child. Easy to be all "go with the flow" faffy when its just two adults who are self sufficient.

Most people realise pretty early on that things change hugely after having a kid. You cant faff or be "zen" at 3 am with a screaming hungry baby. That "the baby will just fit in with us" is hugely unrealistic for the vast majority, at least if they want to be good parents. He seemingly has done what an awful lot of men do after the baby comes along, and made no adjustments whatsoever.

Why do you think that there are so many marriage breakdowns within a few years of the kids coming along? Because mum steps up, dad either carries on as he is or actively steps down, and mum is sick of being left to do all the donkey work?

I had a friend like this for 20 years until I finally had enough and realised why she did it….
She rushes for nobody. Even if she was late for school, work or doctors, absolutely no rushing. Why would she? She was most important and was someone who resented any form of authority, even if it was her boss or a medical professional. Her time was most important. I was sometimes with her when she was due to pick up her then-primary aged daughter from school and despite the class coming out at 3:10, she’d be casually boiling her kettle or similar at 2:55.
If we went shopping and stopped for lunch and she finished hers first she would get up and say “I’ll be in Boots, catch up with me when you’re done” then walk out (paid, obviously). Arguments with GP receptionists weren’t uncommon and she was aghast that they wouldn’t wait for her…
She once happily admitted that the reason her phone is permanently on silent (even when she had her young child either in childcare or at school!) was because she liked to come back to it and see lots of missed calls & texts!

People who behave like this to the degree that it affects others around them, including their own children and spouse, have a higher opinion of themself than they do of other people, including their own children and spouse……

Reader, this ex-friend is now a NURSE!!!!!
🏃‍♀️…………. 🏥

Welcome to the world of men (yes, yes, not all, but most!)
In a man's life, his priority is himself. Once he is happy and sorted, he'll throw you some crumbs of attention if you're lucky. (If you start asking too much, you're demanding)
Yes, when you first meet, he's all attentive and has his White Knight persona flashing!!
But the truth is they are built with a self-preservation sim card. To take care of No.1!!
I'll never understand it. Every marriage bar one that I know, is this way including my own dissolving one. They will allow you to sacrifice sleep and mental health and watch you slowly sink into insanity!!
I used to believe in true love. But now I know the only real love I'll ever know is for my mum and my children.
I'm better off alone. I can love me better than you can........well said Miley Cyrus!!!

Is he neurodiverse? Only asking because time blindness is a real thing with ND people. Some, like me are so aware of it, we are super early for everything, other people seem to lose time doing the most mundane of things also, you said about the need to sit and discuss plans - that could be a neurodiverse thing too. Needed to know the plans, make them firm and not change them can be a coping mechanism.
The other thing with nd people iis, for some. processing speed can be a lot slower than non nd people. So it takes us longer to register an instruction or a need.

just a pov

I mean its possible I guess only the do and the drs will know for sure. However what puzzles me more is how a man is either depressed, anxious, has autism.or adhd etc and its somehow more believable that such a high percentage of men are ND rather than the much more likely possibility hes just a dick. Why can't a man just be a dick who doesn't think of anyone but himself and thinks his time is more important Why does there always have to be a DX?

Especially when many of those who do have these conditions work bloody hard to make sure they do what they need to do.

Why do you feel the need to rush everything? I cannot take sides at present but it seems that from his point of view you rush around in a whirlwind for everything and never stop for breath.

Perhaps he is showing you that there is no rush, that taking your time is less stressful, and everything gets done in the end.

What do you do with the time you save, apart from gasping for air?

Me too, and I’d actually forgotten this is exactly what my ex was like! I feel quite triggered😠😂

Cattle prod maybe?

Lack of urgency with anything would drive me mental.

My DD has OCD and it takes her ages to do anything too. I know she is ill, so I have to be endlessly patient but I do sympathise because I like to get things done quickly on the whole. If I do rush her, it leads to lots of issues and upset. It’s hard, because sometimes deadlines are a reality. No idea how she will cope with a job unless she gets a lot better. I wonder how your DH does too?