Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

I feel your pain as I have a boyfriend like this, how much it bothers me depends on the situation and my mood.
Recently for intance at the airport, I have my boarding pass open and ready and through I go. Look behind me and he is fiddling on his phone trying to download it whilst getting in everyones way. I eventually motioned to him to move aside.
On to going through customs, he needed to stop to locate a plastic bottle which he wanted to bin, follwed by another stop to finsih a bottle of water.
By this stage I just told him I am going without you and walked on.
I almost forgot then the security guard upset him and he wanted to register a complaint. Never discovered if he did as I had wandered off in to duty free.
You couldn't get anybody nicer or kinder but it infuriates me.

I do wonder whether OP's "no health issues" is likely to be accurate?

It can seem like everybody's favourite excuses bandwagon at the moment, but time-blindness is a clinical thing with some neurodivergent conditions.

If it was bad for humanity, these conditions would have evolved out. It's just modern living that can be more incompatible with them than times gone by (eg would he have made an acceptably slow (quick?) postmaster or civil servant in the 1960s?

He obviously made an acceptable enough companion to marry in the first place, so presumably you appreciated the balance from his zen approach to life at one point?

I get that it can be annoying. He probably finds you really raise his stress levels - it cuts both ways!

Early intervention marriage counselling would probably be far cheaper than bottling it up & ending in divorce. I would highly recommend you enlist a professional to help you talk about this effectively - they are far cheaper than lawyers!!!

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/time-blindness/amp

I really really feel for you OP. There’s one thing to be slow and careful and not make mistakes but how many errors can be made putting socks and shoes on!
If his behaviour consistently makes you late, isn’t that just rude, as if he’s saying « my time is more important than yours » and I don’t care if I make you wait. As for the baby wipe thing … Jeez… I would be mad at that … let’s hope you’re never in a situation where you’re in danger of drowning!

Please not a paramedic lol that made me laugh!

I would say my DH isn't quite as bad as this (maybe with the toilet thing though) but this does sound like a description of us.
Opposites attract

Yes my DH is a bit like this. I call it befuddling.

Rushing to leave the house and he decides to make a coffee, plods along like a cart horse. He cannot multi task whereas I am a bit of a whirlwind

I'm now just blunt and tell him to fucking hurry up or we'll go without him, and I will. I have done before and will do again
.

Omg my DH is the same, absolute faffer, always decides to take the bins out when we’re running late, takes forever to get anything done… on the flip side (in my opinion) he drives too fast. He complains that he’s always being told to slow down or hurry up!

For goodness sake, maybe your behaviour drives him nuts, but he’s too kind to say so. He’s a good dad and presumably works, so get over it. Once I’m not at work, I’m the same. Neither he nor me will ever have heart attacks or high blood pressure. He sounds a dote. I’ll have him if you don’t want him. Give the guy a break. Is that seriously all you have to complain about? 🙄

Op, I have always been efficient but ever since I became a mum. I have become supercharged!
I know she naps in 45 min blocks so I basically all I have to do chores/admin etc. mind you she is only 6 months old.

my husband is laid back just as you described! I think he was always this way I just didn’t notice it until we had a baby..
it drives me insane too but I pick my battles!

You just made me think of the sloth in Metropolis who works in the DVLA well not there but the American equivalent.

If you find yourself waiting for him, start going without him.

Agree before hand what time you are leaving and say "Right, its noon, we are ready are you coming or not?" Then 5 minutes grace to see if he gets his shit together and if not just leave. Dont say anything, just leave.

With things like the nappy situation, leave him with the awkward job and you go AT HIS SPEED to get the stuff that is needed.

Cooking, when he insists on cooking say "No thank you I ate with DD" so he is cooking for one and eating alone.

The point is, at the moment you are enabling the faffing because you are all living at his speed. So ensure that faffing makes his life harder. He doesnt have to live at your speed but equally you dont have to live at his, there must be a middle ground that you are obviously open to considering and he isnt.

Also, she is only 2 now but when she is at pre school or school, faffing will mean she is late every time he takes her. This needs nipping in the bud now unless you want to be doing every single time critical task for your child.

Sounds like he is on the spectrum. My daughter is the same, and she is autistic.

My OH is exactly like this. And I’m 100mph. Generally we work around each other but at times it does drive me crazy. I’ve often told him the party/dinner/whatever engagement starts 30 mins before it actually does so we get there in time. When he says “I’m ready to go” I know I’ve got another 20 minutes before we actually leave the house and I start doing some housework so I don’t go crazy

sounds like your energy levels are totally different. Also how you do things. Has he recently become like this or always been like this but just now you are finding it annoying? Having a child does mean time is precious and lots more to be done. So it has probably become more obvious. Isnt this just how a lot of men are though? I dont think you can fundamentally change him (unless there is a medical issue that can be 'fixed' ) but you could talk to him but you are talking about how someone is - which is difficult if you are not that way. He could be just doing the incompetent resignation so you do everything? You need to explore a little more

Couldn’t be doing with it. If I am going anywhere I would say we are leaving at xx. Your choice if it’s an hour earlier and you wait, or it’s the actual time and you just go and leave him behind

As to the doors, no way would I eat that late, I would just get something for myself

This would drive me to absolute insanity and i would have to divorce him!

Reading this really stressed me out!

😂😂

I'd (rapidly) push him under a bus.

I can fully sympathise as my husband can be the same. After 34 years I’ve learned to set out timings so he knows when we’re out the door! It’s hard work. I’ve lost my temper, but it makes no difference after the first day. I know now that I have to talk to him, when I’m not cross, and lay out clearly for him the impact it has on us all, and he’s much better (mostly), and as a result I’m more patient (mostly)! I had to change too though, do you see? You love him, it’s an effort, and for me, worth it.

don't you mean 'dolt'?

Its Irish slang for sweet, adorable etc. My Irish great grandmother used to say it about babies!

sounds familiar, i used to go out to the car but would be waiting so long,
now i wait in the house, and walk behind dh to the car, even doing up his seat belt takes him forever
and he always wants a cigarette on the way to the car! infuriating

It’s just his type . It’s in his DNA He’s a slow coach & has probably always been like this . U are never going to be able to change him . Try to focus on the good things about him , I’m sure there are a lot of positives to him also x