Am I intolerant and unreasonable or would you also find this infuriating?

[Rewpf]

I feel like I’m going mad at times.

DP takes forever to do anything.

Toilet is 20 mins (I know that seems a theme for a lot of men), getting shoes on….

Dd 2.5’s bedtime…it doesn’t matter when DP starts bedtime, it will always take over an hour for her to be asleep. I cannot understand it. It takes me around 20 mins for quick teeth brush, vitamins and fresh pyjamas. It really messes with her routine.

We went to the beach the other day and me and DD had got changed and ready to leave the beach in the time it had taken DP to brush off his feet and put socks and shoes on again.

Walking… everything is an amble. We needed wipes from the car due to a nappy emergency when out recently. I was holding DD in a difficult position while I watched him casually walk over to the car park. Nothing is done at speed, ever.

We got in the car yesterday and as he got in I suggested the name of a pub for Saturday lunch. Rather than turning the engine on and talking as we go, he sort of slumped into his seat and wanted to get into a big conversation about it whilst we were stationery.

Leaving the house… absolutely horrific. Every small task includes a pause. Shoes on, sit and pause. Stand up, pause. Pick up bag or water etc, pause. often this leads to DD getting really bored and waiting at the door to go out, I even plan it to make sure she starts getting ready with me a bit later on so she’s not waiting around but it simply doesn’t work. He’s always after us.

Dinner… unless we eat out or I’ve cooked, he will have dinner around 9:3-10:30. I have spoken about this so many times…he will insist he wants to cook and I don’t want to put a downer on it but the hours will go by and he doesn’t actually start it.

Shopping. Heaven help me if we stop for petrol and he wants to ‘nip in’ to the shop. Me and DD waited in the car for 25 minutes at a petrol station with a tiny spar shop inside, while he spent an absolute age in there.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, is done quickly. He’s not got any health issues. Early 40s.

For transparency I am quite the opposite to this and can be a bit full on the other way…I’ll have several jobs done within a few minutes, for example. I don’t know if I’m being unfair, it drives me mad but perhaps I need to be more understanding and patient?! He’s a good dad generally and good to me mostly but this makes me feel I’m going crazy!

DH is a bit like this but not as bad as the OP describes. Whatever time we agree we need to leave by he will rarely be ready until at least half an hour later. DIY type jobs take forever too but in mitigation he is very thorough and a bit of a perfectionist. My DF back in the day was the total opposite, everything was whizzy whizzy top speed, hardly time to draw breath! I think I am somewhat in between. I have come to the conclusion there are pros and cons either way.

Don’t know how you’ve put up with that for so long . It would drive me crazy.

I left a boyfriend because I felt like an impatient little yappy dog, walking ahead and then circling back repeatedly to him because he was So Slow. I couldn’t hack it. I definitely couldn’t go that slowly. I thought I was reasonably laid back but I honestly think he was trying for some sort of slow-mo award. How have you not murdered him yet?!

Also, no way would I be eating at 9.30 - 10.30pm. I feel for you, OP, I’d have ground my teeth down by now.

This would drive me mad, but you must have noticed all this before you decided to get married and have a child with him, so I don't think there is much point in complaining about it now. He's not going to change.

THIS

Oh I could have written this (seems like a lot of women could).

It didn’t infuriate me as much prior to having a baby but now anytime we go somewhere I’ve got myself and the baby ready, car and bag packed, lunch and bottles sorted, usually a wash in and the kitchen squared up in the time he has gone to the toilet and showered … I mean what can he seriously do in the toilet for that long!! Xx

Mum is this you?

This is my middle child (DS 21) to a T. Everything, and I mean everything takes him an age to do. I get so fed up of waiting about for him. He can say he’s ready to go so I’ll go and get in the car, then sit and wait for half an hour. He makes us late all the time. I tell him we have to be somewhere at least half an hour before, but still end up late. It’s infuriating, but he’s always been like this. His siblings aren’t.

Who knows what normal is - more of us should be moving at your DH pace. BTW I had a husband the same so i know what you are taking about and I am more like you. He was right though about how to live - and I miss him every day!

I wonder if your dd is taking your lead

I don’t think one of you is right, I think your pace of life isn’t compatible

also could your obvious patience be slowing him down more unconsciously

*impatience

He sounds really annoying, and I could never be with someone THAT laid back. Not saying he's in the wrong as such, just that my personality and approach to life (and, by the sounds of it, yours) wouldn't fit with his. That's all.

We call this weaponised incompetence in my house.

Oh joy!😂😂😂

Oh my God, you know my pain, waiting in the car for half an hour after the time we agreed to leave at, after they've said they're ready.

What are they doing in there? What? What manner of activity takes thirty plus minutes after they are purportedly ready to leave?

This is why I never went home after university, I got out and realized other people don't have to live that way 😂

Is this a new thing?
My Dad was like this when I was a child and still is in his 80s.
(True story: in the 1980s 2 escaped prisoners knocked on our front door and asked for a lift. My Dad took so long to get his shoes on that they thought he was calling the police and they ran off).
Why did you marry him if he is so annoying?

He sounds so chilled, a trait we would all love to have I think! Xx

I hate slow and getting ready just before going out annoys me i hate rushing and like being somewhere early rather than just on time

I’d have killed him and hidden the body by now.

Leave. You'll go mad otherwise.

Same here

😂

My dad is like this - takes an age to do something simple like make a cup of tea. He held a very senior role before he retired and used to work long hours but now that I also hold a senior role I do wonder if he needed to work all the hours he did or if he just faffed about. He seems to get distracted.

DH is slow in a different way - he can do things quickly but he is sometimes cautious and methodical to a fault.

Neither of you are going to change so you need to find a way to work with it. DH is a big faffer when we are going away and likes to tie me check he has all his items whereas hanging around in the house me anxious and I’m likely to start looking for jobs to do. These days I just go and wait in the car when I am ready and scroll on my phone. I don’t watch him faff about and get annoyed and he doesn’t feel pressured to hurry up (which ends up making him slower)

I have a friend who is very slow in everything she does, she even talks very slow, she thinks she may be autistic.. thing is you accepted hubby how he was when you first met, how come it didnt put you off then? Its part of his make up you just gotta accept it

My mum’s like this. It’s so bloody irritating, I could not imagine being married to someone like it (and I’m not a particularly speedy person). She does the car thing too - I’ve learnt to never ask her a question that requires more than a one-word answer (even that sometimes) when arriving or leaving somewhere…end up sat in the car for AGES 10 feet from the front door 😡 and going to the toilet. 20 minute minimum!!

Is he on the spectrum? I ask this because my DH can be the same and can take longer than needed to do certain tasks. He will zone out and forget what he’s supposed to be on with. He is like this with making a decisions though and it drives me round the bend. Everything has to be properly thought out and he goes to the far end of a fart before he’s happy and confident enough to commit. He then gets anxiety over whatever it is going on and becomes overwhelmed and overstimulated so gets a migraine. It’s taken him over 18 months to buy a mobile phone. Money isn’t parted with easily (something else I can’t stand) so from finding a decent 2nd hand phone, doing more research on it than NASA, finding a smart watch to work with it, trading in some old consoles and a great deal of faff to get this handset cheaper he finally committed having only saved £50. This could have taken a few hours but he was so incessant on saving money and making sure he knew exactly what he was getting and being satisfied. He’s recently been diagnosed with Autism and ADHD at 43. Just to point out he has never shown anything like the behaviours I now see in all our 22 years together. He had a crisis a few years ago and spiralled which unearthed childhood trauma and going undiagnosed since childhood. He’s basically masked all his life and now we are here!