Aibu for saying dd14 has to have a hobby

[Isntitisntitisntit]

She has a hobby she moans about constantly she would quite happily give it up -
however my rule is she either has to have a hobby or do volunteer work - if I didn't have this rule she'd be in bed or up the park half the time
she absolutely refuses to do a lot else
because of this she just stays at this hobby she says she hates rather than trying something new

if I give suggestions she says I'm overwhelming her

I really am struggling with the complete la l of motivation she has to do anything

Could you find something to do together? Something that interests her? Make up lessons? Art?

^ This!

I often look through old children's books in the charity shops - not just the fiction, but also the hobby books, e.g. 'Activities for Girls' etc. type thing. Mostly 1940s-1960s. You can tell from the pictures and language these were aimed at 8+ years and upwards.

Yes, as you'd expect there is a lot of division between hobbies for girls vs. boys in these older books. But, still, there are lots of cheap or free things any child 8+ could still do today - sewing, woodwork, science, nature, or modern equivalents like crafting or digital photography.

It's depressing to see what has happened to childhood and I'm afraid it's parents and schools who are responsible for this. Hobbies are a gateway to so many life skills, even if it's just reading and talking with someone else about what they're doing.

I am at a complete loss as to how and why this has happened, and why many (obviously not all) parents are content to let their children sit on their mobile phones and have little or no interest in the world beyond Snapchat and TikTok. It's very sad.

Mine didn’t have hobbies they attended. Thry both enjoy reading and board games though. I never pushed the hobbies thing as we did quite a bit as a family and they both saw friends regularly. If they had been constantly in bed on phones I might have felt differently (mine are mid Twenties so there was slightly less social media interaction back then.)

I never bothered about bedroom tidiness though, as long as plated/cups came downstairs and rubbish went in the bin I wasn’t bothered about how tidy it was.

id just say “I’m not discussing this further either choose a different activity or do this one it’s your choice “

I grew up before internet but also haven’t ever had a ‘hobby’. I enjoyed youth club at your Dd’s age and the weekly disco and wanted more than anything to have a boyfriend. That and my friends were the only thing on my mind. If there’s been any SM I’d have been on that too. I can remember 14 being full of angst and hating grown ups. I turned out perfectly fine, good career, married and had children. I’d say give her a break, so many kids don’t even go out to the park these days

There are no youth clubs at all in our area. Kids hang out in parks vaping and increasingly behaving anti socially.

If there was a youth club and weekly disco (both supervised by adults) that would be a great thing to direct DD to.

As you say you grew up pre internet so had to be creative to amuse yourself. It’s not comparable.

Let her give up the hobby but she has to spend the time she normally does that hobby without a screen?

There's no uniformed groups? No swimming//football/athletics groups? No music/theatre/dance clubs? Her school doesn't offer any kind of D of E?

No youth clubs or discos. Where they can socialise in a supervised setting. Usually without cost to parents. That’s a VERY different thing to uniform groups which many teens would hard refuse (and OP’s daughter has) or clubs which require payment, being driven around and a level of drive.

My kids do a wide range of paid clubs and school activities because we are lucky enough to afford it and juggle work for all the driving around. Mine do between 4 and 12 hrs of activities a week, some competitive. I was responding to the OP who sais she turned out fine without hobbies BUT had access to an adult-led, weekly social club that teens could access without parental involvement. I was pointing out this isn’t an option for most any more.

I understand how you feel, I have always...well... not forced, but strongly encouraged hobbies for my two boys. Doesn't have to be sports, just anything - music, art, gym, cake decorating, whatever.

In saying that, I always loathed organized activities as a kid (and still do to this day) so never did any extra curriculars. But it was different, in the 90's. I was out and about with friends a lot, and when home spent all my time in my room reading/drawing/writing. Still love reading and writing now!

These days I get the internet/gaming makes it more of a worry they will turn into a recluse who just sits in a darkened room shouting at the x-box and never leaving the house! Basically once mine got to 13 or so I just told them they could have as much phone/gaming time as they wanted, as long as they were also doing other stuff. And also always talked a lot about the importance of actually experiencing life, rather than just watching it on a screen.

They are now 15 and 18 and I feel like it has worked out pretty well, they do of course sit around scrolling or gaming at times, but they have always had other interests and activities as well.

I feel a bit sorry for your daughter being forced into doing a hobby that she clearly does not enjoy. I do however understand where you are coming from too.

What does she actually watch on tic tock? Might be worth seeing if you could get some ideas from that.

I have two teens and I’m 100% team leave her be. Dd is 17, adhd and ASD. She did extra curriculars til about 14 then dropped them when she started GCSEs. I can’t imagine insisting she carries on. Shes now in y12 and doing lots of extras at her sixth form.

ds is 16. He has always done loads of sport, but out of his own choice. He’s now mainly focussed on one and only does the other socially. I’d say he does about 20h of sport or training a week - but it’s been a lot higher. When he’s not studying or exercising, he’s on his phone. He finds getting off his phone hard and six months ago we had a chat and came to the conclusion that he handed his phone in at 10pm. That’s not a rule, we don’t ask the same of my daughter. But a solution we came to together to support his well being. If you treat your teens with respect, then you earn enough trust to do these things.

I'm another parent of teens who is firmly in the leave her alone camp. I think mine are on their phones for about the same amount of time that I watched TV as a teen. A fair few hours a day! Yes they doom scroll tiktok. They also video call friends on WhatsApp while playing the sims/mincraft/roblocks, make each other giggle with silly Snapchat filters, make plans to get together in WhatsApp groups, learn French and Spanish with dulingo, track the books they're reading with goodreads and share book recommendations/compete with friends, teach themselves to play new songs on the guitar with YouTube videos. That's just off the top of my head. Phones can be used for positive, they're not inherently bad. Their phones are a hugely important part of their social lives, which has been integral to teens for decades past. Yes they do spend time watching crap on tiktok. And when I was 15, I watched hour after hour of live big brother on E4.

Trying to control a teen, by insisting they do a hobby, is not imposing a healthy boundary. It's just control. I accept that the thought behind it is very well meant in this case, but it's a naive thought. It will backfire. The open and respectful relationship between the teen and the parent is the most important tool we have to guide them into making good choices and keep them safe. This tramples on that relationship.

P

I guess time will tell about who is ‘naive’ about unfettered phone use 🤷‍♀️ The data is already pretty compelling on what it’s doing to kids’ brains. But I hope your confidence pays off.

I’ll stick to my rules about in-person activities, limits on screen time, and pass times which require sustained attention. It’s not control, but a recognition that phones are addictive (and all the apps designed to be so) and teen brains aren’t mature enough to assess what’s good for their development vs what feels comfortable and pleasant (like staying in their room on a screen as their only ‘hobby’).

I (like many others) wish my parents had done more to help me learn skills, meet different people and set me up for adulthood, not less.

Don’t you wish looking back that you parents had put some healthy boundaries in place for your screen time? Disassociating by staring at people on a live big brother feed doesn’t sound particularly healthy. I’m a 90s child and I spent probably 2-3 hours a week watching TV. DH had unlimited TV and latterly PC and Xbox time during the 80s/90s and he feels it impacted him - he also did sport etc and still plays 5 a side and guitar but his default as an adult is a screen whereas mine isn’t, which we believe is rooted in childhood habits.

No, I'm very happy that my parents were confident enough in their parenting to leave me be. I can quite easily imagine the outcome of their managing my time as a teen. It would not have been positive for myself, them or our relationship.
No, I don't think watching TV impacted me. If I were to measure myself against the standards of what society deems to be "successful adult" I'm pleased with what I see.

Your say that your DHs feels an impact in his adult life in that his default is a screen? I presume you mean that's what he gravitates to in his leisure time? There seems to be an implied value judgement in that. Watching TV or gaming is of less worth than playing his guitar or 5 a side? I would say they all serve different needs. But I don't assign value to my leisure activities. I just enjoy them.

I agree that there’s a value judgement now because we know more now. The same way everyone would smoke cigarettes with no judgement in the 30s and 40s because we had no knowledge of the harm - smoking was glamourised and lung damage wasn’t a factor because we simply didn’t have the information. Now we know the damage screens (especially phone screens) have on developing and even on developed brains. The addictive nature, the changes in dopamine levels, the increased procrastination, the mental health impact of social media, and so much more. My DH feels that when he always used to default to gaming or doom scrolling his mental health was impacted and he felt lazier and lower within himself whereas when he is exercising or practising his creative hobby it makes him feel positive and energised. I’ve heard similar stories from friends who choose not to use social media etc. It’s very much a personal choice but actively choosing to be a low screen family has worked well for us, physically and mentally. It’s not for everyone.