Aibu for saying dd14 has to have a hobby

[Isntitisntitisntit]

She has a hobby she moans about constantly she would quite happily give it up -
however my rule is she either has to have a hobby or do volunteer work - if I didn't have this rule she'd be in bed or up the park half the time
she absolutely refuses to do a lot else
because of this she just stays at this hobby she says she hates rather than trying something new

if I give suggestions she says I'm overwhelming her

I really am struggling with the complete la l of motivation she has to do anything

She won't do the cinema, or skating or anything lkke this ish literally the park with kids that vape and probably drink or snap chat - she also doesn't have sleepovers anymore as she seems to think everyone is annoying

Presumably she goes to school so the description of her lazing about all day every day isn’t correct.

You can’t dictate the hobby, I agree it should be an interest that’s enjoyable to the person that they choose for themself. But you can 100% dictate that your child doesn’t spend their life in a bedroom on a screen! I’ve been teaching 12 years and skills in literacy, numeracy, imagination, creativity, focus, concentration, etc have declined yearly as tech takes over insidiously. I truly believe that allowing your child to use an iPhone in their bedroom will become to future generations as ludicrous as the glamorous adverts of movie stars smoking cigarettes in the 50s are to us. Plenty of teens have hobbies and interests and engage with their families, it just takes a bit more effort.

When my two were small I remember having a discussion about teen mental health and a friend made a comment along the lines of ‘she’s ok because she has an interest’
That really resonated and now my DD is 14 too and I’m a firm believer that having an interest/hobby/ sport outside of school builds resilience and helps them cope with the pressures of growing up.
DD has more than enough down time but yes, she has two hobbies and volunteers for a charity every weekend for her DofE award.

It isn't. I agree with you. I told DC they had to do something physical - anything they liked, but they had to get into the habit of taking care of their fitness and they had to do one other thing that got them engaged with the world beyond the screen.

DS1 picked the least sporty sport he could find (not quite darts but next best thing ) and ended up loving it and representing UK under 18s. DS2 went to a music group he claimed to hate and asked to leave each term. He got seriously good at his instrument and is now in a big band which he absolutely loves and has become close friends with the other members.

I'm with you OP 100%. My dad booted me out of the house when I was a mopey teen and insisted on me joining a club. I ended up making brilliant friends there which saved my life as I had none at school, and ended up in a profession related to the club. Teens may not want to do anything, but they need to. To socialise and exercise and develop skills that will last a life time. A good parent gives them a nudge. There are 168 hours in a week and it is not over-parenting to expect them to spend 2-4 of them at a hobby or class once or twice a week.

I’m bloody glad I didn’t have those parents. I bet my son was glad I wasn’t one too.

I think it’s a great rule. My 14yr old does sport twice a week, and a non sport once a week. The sport is 50 weeks of the year, although she misses if we’re away.

i think it’s important to have a life and friends away from school. Helps with the stresses and strains of day to day school life. As well as time off the bloody screens.

Would starting something together help? Or sign her up for something a friend of hers already does? Or suggest things that don’t seem like “hobbies” like she cooks twice a week or something?

I didn't have a hobby at 14, very few of my friends did at that age. Hanging about the park with friends is pretty normal for a teenager. I've still managed to be a functioning adult with a good work ethic and a healthy lifestyle.

Agreed!

My DC are involved in loads of stuff in and out of school, sports, drama, music, scouts, doing DofE volunteering etc. We look like the over scheduled middle class families everyone moans about.

But they somehow still have lie ins, sleepovers and have managed to watch every episode of several shows including mega time commitments like Greys Anatomy and Fresh Prince! And they're up to date with things like The Apprentice or Race Across the World when they're on. Makes me laugh when people suggest they have no time to relax - frankly I'm glad they don't have more because it would just be spent watching more box sets!!

Op, you are not wrong to encourage engagement and participation in a hobby/sport/club/activity outside of school and home. Young people need to have real life engagement away from screens and interactions with other adults and peer role models is really important.

Could you get her to engage with DofE so that the skills, volunteering and sports would count towards something?

Does she do her school work and homework and things?

@Isntitisntitisntit I would also add OP - you know her best. For example - if I let my 12 year old drop his hobbies all he would do is gaming because that’s “the only thing he likes” 🙄. But when he goes he absolutely loves it and then I’m sitting in the car waiting for him to finish chatting with his mates.

I think there is a need if the alternative is lying in bed looking at a phone.

Overall, it's in the child's best interests to be forced out of bed to an activity once or twice a week. It's not ideal that she doesn't like the activity, but better than the alternative of no activity whatsoever. Being out and about doing things is better for both physical and mental health.

This is what I mean! I love this post.
I was left to my own devices as a teenager did what I liked and ended up in a terrible mess.

i want her to find what she loves! I don't think she has found it yet but she is so resistant. Iv booked us a course to start a hobby together which I hope will help but not sure what else to try. I do think she would do better in other hobbies more suited to her now but it's like an argument trying to discuss it

Clearly she doesn’t like you forcing her to do things that she hasn’t chosen to do, that’s pretty obvious and isn’t exactly unusual for a teenager. That’s not the same as hating everything.
Forcing her to do volunteer work…I’m sure that will help repair the relationship. Why not see if she wants to start doing TikToks about something if she loves it so much.

Same with my son.

And trust me as iv said in this post I let a lot slight such as the amount of phone use etc and homework but there's somethings that I do need to enforce

It sounds like screens are her hobby. Ditch the screens!

Without screens to resort to she will then find something else to do. Im aware many will totally disagree with me but meh tbh.

I actually did suggest that she hates the idea! Apparently it's dead and cringe

Yeah I'd love to but I can't I need to find something else to excite her before I could do that. Iv tried so many times in so many ways with such awful outcomes for my one mental health I cannot remove the phone - she has adhd hee response to that is so severe it's detrimental

So. Let's get this straight...
Children who are usually involved in county lines tend to be vulnerable to seduction because they either really need the money, or they need attention from a kind adult and peer group.
And you want to tell her how to live, pay no attention to her own needs, and isolate her from her peer group. You might as well phone the local drug dealer and hand her over yourself.

It only once a week and she struggles with that
she also struggles with school every day

My dd is 15. Her hobbies are doing her nails and hanging out with her friends. They go to the park, they go swimming in the lake and posing beside the lake, they go shopping, get coffee, go to the arcade and watch the same series over and over again.

Next year they will all be 16 and getting part time jobs and then before you know it adulthood is calling. The window of time where you get to be a carefree teen and spend your time pissing about with your mates is so short.

I wouldn't insist on her doing a hobby if she is no longer enjoying it but I would make sure homework is done before any screen time and I would be restricting the time she spends on her phone. If she's always on tiktok and snapchat, there's your reason she lacks motivation to do anything. I know it's difficult but you are the parent and you need to set limits and stick to them. Let her complain, argue, sulk & moan - just be a brick wall and don't budge. Once she's understood that screen time is limited, you might find that she's more willing to fill her time with more useful activities.

So what have you learnt from that? Forcing her to do things isn’t the answer, yet still you persist with trying. You could suggest something she’s dreamt of doing and she’d probably still say no.

How am I isolating her from her peers? She does go out to the park - just not till late and not an unlimited amount -
im trying to encourage her to do other things
all of her friends attend said hobby