Aibu for saying dd14 has to have a hobby

[Isntitisntitisntit]

She has a hobby she moans about constantly she would quite happily give it up -
however my rule is she either has to have a hobby or do volunteer work - if I didn't have this rule she'd be in bed or up the park half the time
she absolutely refuses to do a lot else
because of this she just stays at this hobby she says she hates rather than trying something new

if I give suggestions she says I'm overwhelming her

I really am struggling with the complete la l of motivation she has to do anything

Yeah we used to that she tended to focus on trying to get the screen time lifted she managed to over rose or with time constraints and limits it usually is just her going on at me for that amount of time it will result in argument bjt I think I'm going to try and just be strict about 2 hours free screen time for both of us.

You need to get rid of the phone. She will never enjoy anything if she's scrolling all the time.

You have to do it in a way that's not you yelling at her. Either buy her a dumb phone, or use something like Family link that turns it off after an hour.

Is she on medication? Without it, she may be burning out.

(As a fellow ADHDer)

Yes like I said in an earlier post dd is always out with friends, they do lots together. It doesn't have to be a choice between forced organised activity that she doesn't like and staying on her phone. Dd and her mates are getting the bus into the city and heading to the beach tomorrow, they'll get lunch, go to the arcade, check out the street performers amd have a great day together. Today they went to the local lake, they went swimming, they met some boys from their old school that had a paddleboard and gave that a go, they sunbathed, they were out all day being active and social.

Encouraging independence and letting them find healthy ways to amuse themselves isn't a bad thing in my opinion.

Tbh I never had a hobby in the sense children tend to in current times (like a scheduled activity/sport), but I was super creative. I was always reading, writing stories, drawing, etc. I do think it's normal as a teen to want to hole up in your room or be with your mates. It doesn't mean she won't develop hobbies as an adult.

As someone who really didn't have hobbies growing up, as an adult my main hobby is board games (there are millions, I don't mean Monopoly), but I also play DnD, still enjoy writing, play video games, crochet, etc. I certainly went through a period in my teens where the thing I cared most about was chatting online to friends. I would have very much resented my parents for forcing me to do anything like a sport. Would you like being made to do something you dislike as a hobby every week as an adult?

As long as she does homework, chores, etc, surely her free time should be hers? She won't always be obsessed with Snapchat and only care about her mates.

Some adults don't have hobbies, other than things like going to the gym and watching TV. Free time doesn't constantly have to be productive. You don't have to have a hobby to be a fulfilled person.

Also r.e. video games, it's boring to some because you don't like them. But there is some FANTASTIC story telling in some video games. Witcher 3 for example has an incredible plot and fantastic characters. There are some games that really make you think (such as portal/civ, etc). There are games with some great history (e.g. the original assassin's creed). I've even learned many fish and bug types from Animal Crossing! It's not all shooting each other for fun lol. They can also be very social and strategic if you're playing a survival game with friends.

Freerunning/ parkour, street dance, singing/poetry/rapping, volunteering with older people or little kids, community gardening. Something with no strict rules but still achievable goals.

My parents "forced " me to go to tennis lessons to stop me watching TV all the time. I was so cross.
I have had a lifelong love of tennis and it has enriched my life physically and socially so much.

A hobby is something you enjoy doing.
What the OP evidently means is a sport or another activity, and a forced one, by the sound of it.

You are not cruel. I totally agree with you.
The phone is obviously a problem and has probably contributed to the lack of motivation to do anything. Sounds like you have it tough @Isntitisntitisntit

I get this. It’s tough. My DH kept pushing for them to keep up their activities / hobbies at that age or pick new ones. We tried and tried and tried. But it was impossible, arguments, frustrations, being late and having to rush to sort it out because they were dragging their feet, going but putting in minimal effort. We backed off (much to my DH dismay). It was frustrating and a tough few years with DS. He’s now 18 with a tonne of genuine hobbies that he loves that he would have hated if we’d forced at 14-16. It just turned around! And yes, he slept in, he was lazy and flipping frustrating. But things changed and I think we’d have more resentment and no achievement by forcing him to do the ‘hobbies’ he hated so much at the time.

@ButteredRadishes
"Same question, Young Person B. "Uhh. Not much. Player Xbox mostly. "
I've interviewed young people, and god knows some are SO BORING. Young lands who do absolutely nothing apart from XBox/PS5. Or 19 year olds who have absolutely no interests.
BORING BORING PEOPLE."

Surely a good interviewer would follow up with questions like "what games do you play?" or "do you go to gaming tournaments/conventions?" or "do you play online against other people?" etc.
Just because you think Xbox is "BORING" doesn't mean that every gamer is a boring person.

A friend told her teenage DS, " You are not giving up football for nothing." How right she was. The boy is grown up now and thankful to Mum who refused to watch him doing nothing. He chose basketball, then returned to football and later got a job in a good club.
I understood early on that I absolutely had to keep my DC as busy as possible. We experimented with lots of hobbies and each of my 4 DSs found theirs. By high school, most of their classmates gave up everything they liked, from football to music. We were very strict with video games, and my DC were the last in their class to get a phone, a PC etc. My DS, 25, is a software engineer, and every time he comes home he says to his DB, 10: "The best time about my childhood was growing up with books and no TV. I used my imagination and played with my friends. "
He warns his brothers about brain rot, tells them that the best decision of his life was deleting Tiktok and FB account.
My DS, 10, nearly 11, is finishing primary school and we are constantly in a battle over the limits of the video game time and generally, any screen time. And then I realised: I am the boss.
Zero screen time for a while. Got him into fingerboarding. Ordered a fingerboarding making kit for his birthday.
Suddenly he wants to wake up early to practise rounders, express an interest in cooking, had prepared a jar of strawberry sauce and wants to talk to me.
I know it'll be different in high school, but I try to win time. Every year counts.

@Isntitisntitisntit she's 14. Her life for the next couple of years is going to intense exam mode.
Why shouldn't she be able to chill and do "nothing" for a while.
I would be concerned about the hanging around the park - could she have some of her friends over at home where they can just mess around (making silly tiktoks if they really feel the need) but it's in a safe environment.

Fingerboarding is on top of music, boxing and swimming, all hobbies of his choice he is starting to.moan about because they require effort and time and he is less and less keen. I know why and just do not let him give up. He moaned a lot about the new strict swimming coach but suddenly realised that he had made good progress. He wants to give up one hobby today, and another tomorrow, but I am adamant - as long as I can.

My parent where like this. Forced me to have hobbies, music, sports that they picked. Hated all of them and now refuse to enage with any of them. How would you like to be forced to do some activity you dont want to do for no benefit. Bet you you wouldnt. Hobbies are meant to be fun, and forcing none sporty children to do sport is cruel..

Just leave her alone. If she’s doing ok in school then she doesn’t have to do anything else, certainly not something she hates just for the sake of it. And staying in her room is what teens do. Does she have friends - is that who she hangs out when she goes ‘up the park’? Nothing wrong with being with friends.
Boredom can also be very motivating.

Also just for reference my DS was the biggest pain in the arse, struggled to even get to school let alone to the hobbies we wanted. Addicted to Xbox. We were determined he’d be a gamer into his middle age. He’s not even unpacked his Xbox from uni since coming back three weeks ago, adores hiking, cycling, anything outdoorsy, now getting into another two sports quite obsessively. Held down a good part time job during college.

I get you and do keep trying. But if you don’t succeed, please don’t think all is wasted. Things change as much as you never think it will!

She has to find her own interests, give her space and she might find some. The problem you might have is that if she thinks you've won or will make a fuss by her picking one, she'd probably rather sit in her room until adulthood. It's great that she has friends and the park is outside so that's also good

Totally with you OP and not unreasonable to insist she has one thing that gives her routine and gets her out. I think that’s pretty important for anyone to be honest.

Doing nothing is one thing. Endlessly scrolling is another - it actively stops you doing anything.

2 hours free from screen time is NOT enough. She needs a limit of say an hour on it per day.

I cannot see the comment from you about ADHD but please be mindful that a child / teenager with this can actually be overwhelmed and parents think they are lazy !
My son that I referred to in recent post has ADHD . Too much stimulation,regardless of his intelligence was too much for him as a teenager.
You have said you have ADHD but everyone regardless of their diagnosis are all different .

She sounds completely overwhelmed and burnt out. Can I suggest you look at some better coping strategies for ADHD before adding more pressure.

I'm 51 and only just recently diagnosed, looks back my teenage years were the worst, The combination of hormones and the constant noise in my head drove me crazy. I was permanently overwhelmed which would make me paralysed, causing procrastination. It was worse after pregnancy, before my period and latterly menopause. I have always struggled with keeping the house tidy, I really find it ridiculously difficult and don't know where to start. I also struggle with competitive hobbies. It takes me a long time to learn something new as it's difficult to concentrate, I just feel stupid and being shouted at or ribbed by friends just makes me feel rejected.

Have a good look into how you can help her. Learn how ADHD affects girls. She's not doing it on purpose.

And for what it's worth I do understand why you don't want her hanging out in the park, she will be very vulnerable and likely to be a people pleaser just to fit in. Peer pressure is difficult enough at this age without the added minefield of ADHD.

Good Luck 💐

Seems like you're setting her up for a life of doing neither. She's not going to suddenly start loving the things you force her to do and she's not going to magically start pushing herself to do more when she leaves home if you've spent years nagging her to.

By demonising her chilling at home you are pushing her towards it.

By "nothing" I meant not having a strict schedule of "hobbies" to do.
If that makes sense.

Of course. Doing nothing can recharge you.

Doomscrolling does not recharge you.