Aibu for saying dd14 has to have a hobby

[Isntitisntitisntit]

She has a hobby she moans about constantly she would quite happily give it up -
however my rule is she either has to have a hobby or do volunteer work - if I didn't have this rule she'd be in bed or up the park half the time
she absolutely refuses to do a lot else
because of this she just stays at this hobby she says she hates rather than trying something new

if I give suggestions she says I'm overwhelming her

I really am struggling with the complete la l of motivation she has to do anything

I think life is so different now from when we were kids. The option to sit in your room scrolling was not there when we were young and it is an absolute menace.

I agree with your approach OP. I'd also look at doing stuff together within the home that is a practical life skill (eg teaching her to cook, iron, DIY) and some in home exercise on youtube like yoga or pilates.

Do you have somewhere you could set up a jigsaw puzzle and perhaps entice her to put a few pieces in from time to time.

You say she likes art. Can you find a pottery class or similar and go to that together. Keep her going with the existing hobby but also look for other opportunities to encourage her to try new things.

It’s not. It’s this not making kids do anything attitude that’s helped to create the epidemic of mental health problems we see in teenagers.

They tried a LOT of things, many were just for a few weeks because they were taster courses kind of thing.

School clubs, Guides/Scouts/Explorers, climbing wall, trampolining, archery, art club at the local library (sketching and watercolours) badminton, youth drama group, coding club, tabletop games group, volunteering at Rainbows/Beavers/Forest School, zine making course at local art centre, animation class, 3 month film making course, sewing class, volunteering at food bank collections, helping at a community garden project, DofE, dog walking.

Scouting. (Explorers).

really enjoys the independence they offer, and the friendship group she’s made there.

It's one hobby a week - a hobby she chose
the thing is I am starting to realise from posts that as it's a competitive sport it may be eating away at her self esteem

In terms of ideas, we have had:

Beavers/Cubs/scouts/explorers
Music lessons
Badminton (v popular)
Pokémon
Riding
Gymnastics
Rowing
Climbing
Sailing

The ones that have stuck:

DD (14, nearly 15): rowing. She now trains 5 days out of 7 and is normally at the gym the other days, so has dropped most others. Plus competing at weekends. Used to sail a few times a week and play netball, but rowing consumes her now.

DS (13): rowing, 3 nights a week with a competition on the weekend at the time of year. When no competition, climbing. I suspect the latter will be his 'thing' long term and his weekends will move towards that more, but he has rowing commitments this year.

Also, badminton with school friends, they meet every week and through the holidays. DH often plays with him too. He likes music as well, but only wants in school lessons at the mo.

DS (7): Beavers, cricket (over the summer) and is trying his best to do karate. He's quite an anxious chap and is determined to do it, so for 6 weeks or so we have sat at the side of the class watching and waiting for him to feel confident enough to have a go!

I know you've said she left Guides, but would she consider volunteering at a younger group (Brownies/Rainbows)? Only 1 evening a week, and can be very fun and low pressure. I volunteer at a Brownie unit and we have several Young Leaders (14-18). The Brownies really look up to them, so might be a nice self esteem boost too, she'd be a really positive role model for them.

One thing that sticks out to me is that she argues with her coaches and can’t take feedback. This could be a sign of fragile self esteem…or an arsey attitude, like she has with you. Coaches shouldn’t shout at her for sure, but if she’s argumentative and won’t listen I can see why they’d get frustrated with her.

Competitive activities build resilience (you can’t always win and need to get comfortable with this) and should also teach the importance of practice to get improvement. If she’s refusing to engage she’s not even giving it a chance to be enjoyable. She may be self sabotaging so you let her quit.

Her behaviour doesn’t sound great in general, and you are very forgiving.

I totally agree with you. I yearned die a dog at that age and I was a rather rebellious child at 14. My mum persuaded my (non dog loving dad) to allow me a dog to maybe 'calm me down' and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved nature from being 3 but my mother seemed blissfully ignorant to this until I became 'difficult' due to hanging out with the wrong people at school. If she'd nurtured me differently, instead of forcing me to go to Guides, which I just used to nick off from, I'd probably be an animal behaviourist or a vet now 🙁

I worked a couple of hours in the week, Saturdays and holidays and I had a very time consuming hobby during sixth form. My Mum insisted that I was always ‘doing’.

I was permanently shattered or ill. Ended up with okay A level grades but not great. I could have done much better if I had time to recover/concentrate on school work. Turns out I’m an introverted autistic so definitely needed downtime.

No - teen years are a time for kids to have space not parents insisting on non essential things

I would agree that they need something outside of school and the home but I do think if they don't like the current one they should be able to swap.
My 14yr old son currently has Jiu Jitsu, Rugby and Keyboard lessons. These mainly stop over the summer so I have also got him gym membership to use over the holidays.
I'm starting to think he's ND and have noticed that when he doesn't leave the house the weekend he struggles to regulate his emotions and gets really upset/angry by Sunday night. He used his gym membership for the first time last Sunday and Sunday night was more peaceful. I have found over the years that a bad day at school can sometime be made better by a good session at whatevery hobby the child does.

God I'd want at least one. You have correctly identified that the kids who have few/no hobbies do often spend all their time scrolling.

Reduce the screen time. Just get family link in her phone and limit it so she simply can't be on it constantly. 3 hours a day max

Being forced to do something isn't a hobby. If you want her to have a hobby, and I agree it's good for teens to have one, then you need to go to serious effort to help her find one. I have a pretty strict rule that my son has to have a physical hobby and he's yet to find a team sport he enjoys. (I say yet, but obviously he might never.) But he's very physical, I got us membership of a gym with a pool, so he can go swimming a few times a week. We skate together, do wall climbing, long bike rides and are training to do a 5km, with a sub 30minute goal, in the autumn. He loves all of those things. He recently left a hobby, because he didn't like the culture of the group, which is fair enough. If I pushed him to do any activity after he stopped enjoying it, he'd come to resent it and that resentment would lead to other things.

But because I not just put the effort into finding things he enjoys, but also do them with him, I'm hoping that we might find something that sticks for the two of us, that we can share into his adulthood.

I am constantly grateful that the teens in my wider family have a range of hobbies - dance & netball, coding & hockey & playing trumpet, piano & chess etc
Its taken a decent slug of parental encouragement along the way to get them to that point but now they commit and choose to practise. I think it helps if they start young (by age 8) and just stick with 2 or 3 things that they build to a decent standard rather than dipping into anything and everything without acquiring proficiency at any

I feel so sorrt for your kid. How the hell is she going to be able to explore her interests and find something she is actually passionate about, when her energy and time is going into having to manage your expectations and keepong you happy? You're directing her effort into the wrong direction entirely. You're controlling her enjoyment, even. You're making enjoyment pressured and anxiety inducing.

Let her discover for herself and stop putting down weird ass rules about it.

I think a lot of of these ‘leave her alone!’ posts come from people without teens, with no concept of the absolute pandemic of phone addiction and the losing battle to preserve kids’ attention, brain function and mental health.

It’s horrifying, honestly, the amount of time teens spend alone on their phones or proximate to other teens on their phones. A 14 year old needs rules and boundaries. Sure she can quit her hobby but OP insists she finds another of her choice so it’s productive, phone free time. It’s also one afternoon a week (leaving four, plus a whole weekend!!)

If she was simply going to waft around the house bored (like pre-internet we’d have had to) it would be fair enough to say let her find ways to amuse herself (art, reading, whatever). Or if she was obsessed with coding and building her own software or something with her internet access, even. But that won’t happen based on the addictive and mindless behaviour around the phone OP describes.

Coming from a family where hobbies / sports were a must and we weren’t allowed to ‘quit’, I’m now in my 30’s and couldn’t be more grateful. I seem to find it much easier than others to just get on with things I don’t really want to do (that work project, clearing out the garage etc), and I usually manage to find the positive in such tasks. It’s also given me the confidence to try new things all the time (exercise classes, sports etc), knowing that I might have a great time, and if I don’t, no worries, onto the next

How the hell is she going to be able to explore her interests and find something she is actually passionate about, when her energy and time is going into having to manage your expectations and keeping you happy?

She's 14 most kids have already found and stuck at a hobby, be it football, scouts, choir etc. You won't actually be able to start as a beginner in most because your peers age wise will have reached a decent standard already.

I think teens having a hobby is good, but they have to enjoy it to some extent, otherwise its just a battle to add to the long list of battles.

At the minute it sounds like shes digging her heels in against the whole concept of hobbies, rather than the particular activity?

Is there a hobby you could start together? Gym and weight/strength training is good, lots of gyms allow teens with a parent present, and it isnt forcing the mixing and competitive aspect. Maybe if she is more intorverted a hobby thats still active and out of the house but not group or team focussed would be more suited to her?

I had no hobbies when I was that age but I did like reading and going out for walks, cycles, drawing etc.

I don't think the intent is bad but is there another way you could do it? Eg say she has to get out in the fresh air for an hour a day unless its raining? Or if its too much screen time you're worried about, say she has to limit it to x hours a day or do y hours a day without her phone or tablet or TV, so she does something?

My DC have exactly the same rule. When he’s moaned about his hobby I have said he can drop it with the provision that he picks something else, but he never does. If he didn’t have a hobby he would spend all his time on his phone or gaming. It’s a few hours a week, doing something constructive and meaningful - some posters are acting like making a kid have a hobby is akin to sending them down the mines.

It's not unreasonable that you want her to enjoy something other than Snapchat but the more you push the more she will push back.

She's coming up to some heavy years of school so a hobby she doesn't enjoy on top is only going to make those years harder.

Why not back off from the hobby / volunteering thing for a while and then start inviting her to do short activities with you every now and then?

I would let her give up the hobby she dislikes. But then I would also insist on getting her out of the house somehow so she's not in all day on screens. Tell her she has to come with you on walks at the weekend, help you cook dinner, tidy her room before she goes out to see friends. Maybe go swimming together. Getting her to do all of those things will make her a more well rounded person than forcing her to go to a hobby once a week, and letting her do whatever she wants the rest of the time.

YANBU. I've always had the rule that they have to have at least one active hobby once they are school age. DD fought back against this at one point and dropped most hobbies but I didn't let her drop them all. Now at 14 she only does volleyball and if it wasn't for that she'd spend far too much time in her room (as she does now its the holidays and there's no training). Its so important for their health, both physical and mental, that they have something to do outside of school and home that challenges them, gets them active, and is social, especially if its with different people than they socialise with at school.