Aibu for saying dd14 has to have a hobby

[Isntitisntitisntit]

She has a hobby she moans about constantly she would quite happily give it up -
however my rule is she either has to have a hobby or do volunteer work - if I didn't have this rule she'd be in bed or up the park half the time
she absolutely refuses to do a lot else
because of this she just stays at this hobby she says she hates rather than trying something new

if I give suggestions she says I'm overwhelming her

I really am struggling with the complete la l of motivation she has to do anything

Difficult. It would definitely be better if she was involved in something as screens and Tiktok just suck time, energy and motivation away. I work with young adults and so few of them have any interests or hobbies. Very dull of them.

Your only mistake is calling it a hobby, which implies she does something you’ve imposed on her, for fun.

Activity. It can be a sport, a craft, a project, a group, volunteering, whatever. An activity to get her engaging with the wider world, with her community or with her creativity - it doesn’t matter. But one activity for a couple of hours a week to actually engage.

All my three were expected to do something once a week that wasn’t school, screen or hanging out with friends. My siblings and I were expected to do it at least twice a week and it helped us develop reliability and to discover new things we liked.

But we all have to do things in life we don’t particularly enjoy but are good for our development or health (e.g. exercise, new skills that stretch us or training at work, eating vegetables)

The aim of being comfortable and unchallenged at all times isn’t conducive to a successful life. We need resilience, grit and the skill of just getting on with it (not being allowed to just wallow on a screen because it’s easy and comfortable)

The OP is doing the right thing by modelling this one standard.

Also OP your daughter’s attitude towards you sounds unacceptable and I would think about being more boundaried about what you tolerate (I have a daughter of the same age and if she kicked off like that she knows full well the iPhone goes and she gets a brick…)

Can I ask what the non sport is please? I'm looking for ideas

I wish my parents had made me stick to a hobby.
what about learning a musical instrument? Or the gym?

Yes this!

what activities did yoh all do ?

😂😂😂😂

I have read some hysterical posts in my time, but this is well and truly up there!

Well done @TheOrbOfTheEmmisary

For most teens that's school, during term time dd is out of the house from 7:15am to 5pm then has homework on top of that, that quite a lot of being challenged and doing things she doesn't want to do.

I mean she does also like chocolate and money.
she is so so funny and great with words I just want her to find her thing vecause when she enjoys stuff she is happy and feels a purpose: she has kind of lost her purpose at the moment

Role modelling can help. Do you have a hobby, OP? You mentioned that hers is competitive, might she prefer to do it non competitively?
If yours is also competitive she will see that sometimes you lose or have a bad experience and that you are resilient and go back the next week.

See that’s a pretty busy life which is great but for a lot of kids, it’s just screens and that is unhealthy.

I know right! Driving her to a drug dealer cos I'm trying to get her to get enjoyment out of life through a hobby

I'm massively supportive of this approach OP. Good on you for setting expectations.
She's likely just looking for an excuse to hang around with her friends, of which little good comes at that age unless they are things in common.. like a hobby.

And yes, it prepares one for the pace of adult life. I'd be concerned about a teen with no hobbies.

She does like the gym funnily enough but only with her friends not me and they are not consistent

If you live near school (and it’s state, and you aren’t doing school clubs) it’s more like 8.30-3.30. That’s a lot of time on TikTok,

The other argument is that she’s going to be up against kids for university places, apprenticeships or internships who have a ton of hobbies and accolades in addition to their grades. Many kids I know have county level sport, competitive dance, Scout leadership, music or lamda grades, to name a few. She’ll regret it later if she gives up. Many of a wish our parents had pushed us more when we took the lazy option. I know I do!

This . Yes two of my children had a sport they enjoyed and one loved wildlife but did spend most of his time doing nothing..I even gave his friend £10 to get him out for the day.
Does your daughter have friends that she can do something with? Trip into town for a mooch etc ?
My son is now an ecologist and living in Oz ☺️ and enjoying life. As long as drugs and drinking is not involved just let her figure out life for herself.

I did Guides, musical theatre, swimming, ballet and gymnastics until I was 13. From 14-17 I did musical theatre, volunteered at a kids ballet class and had a job 10 hours per week while finishing school, then went to uni. Now outside of work I swim once a week, book club once a month and volunteer with a kids mentoring service twice a month.

DH did football - weekly training, weekly match, extra night of goal keeping academy and swimming. Dropped the swimming at 12, played footie through high school then joined a pub league at 19. Played in a band in high school. Still plays 5 a side football in his 40s and plays guitar.

DSD - instrument, 2x dance classes, gymnastics, swimming.

We’ve both found that having things we are interested in helps us through hard times and builds resilience too. We’re having IVF at the moment and hobbies and exercise and following routines helps keep us distracted and in contact with friends, in a situation where lying in bed doom scrolling is so very tempting.

Do you know what she said this to me today lol. I work a lot and have to be Availabel to get her to and from work so aside from walking the dogs no not at the moment but I have lots of interests etc. I am going to sign us both up to the fancy gym in the area and go with her 1-2 times a week which she says she will do once a week

i think the hobby isn't suited to her as the coaches shout she hates that, I think she does need something non competitive iv tried to suggest netball, tennis, karate, kick boxing,
sges some football gym dance horse riding theatre - hates them all

What did you do around school, sit and stare into space?

Didn't read? Sew? Do jigsaws? Write stories?

These are all hobbies...

She does have a big problem with coaches telling her what to do and she's the kind of you ask her to do something she'll argue about this - which I see as all the more reason she needs a hobby or activity. Otherwise it's just me rold modelling in her world and sadly although I know she loves me dearly she doesn't always show much respect towards me whuxh I am trying to change but it is hard as I'm on my own and have a disability. Sometimes i have to choose my peace and sanity over enforcing boundaries - whuch have never ever gone down well with her

Is she creative? Would she try an art class or creative writing course or something else non physical?

I agree she needs to do things she doesn't like to be able to survive in this world

We have always insisted our teens have something outside of school. It helps stop school being the be all and end all friendship wise, it keeps them busy, promotes motivation and discipline etc. Depending on what it is of course!

It does mean that while they tried out different things over the years we had to do a lot of facilitating...driving here there and everywhere, organising, paying etc.

She needs to find it for herself. It needs to be a her thing not a you thing.

I totally understand re the behaviour issue if you do as I suggested, my ds is similar but that hasnt stopped me if necessary. I let him know what the boundaries are. He kicks off. I remind him that the boundaries I set are entirely reasonable, demonstrate suitable alternatives etc and remain firm.

Being afraid of your dds behaviour if you do xyz means she is holding you to ransom. She is a child, you are the parent.

And yes....... I accept that kids nowadays have phones, screens etc but when they are getting in the way of normal existance its time to put them away/restrict their use for a while for a reset.
Or just let her continue as she is. A hobby/personal interest isnt for everyone, as I said above - her phone, the park - is her hobby. If shes ok with that its not the end of the world but equally........ its far from an interesting,fulfilling life etc. Hobbies and activities make life so much more enriching and for a much more interesting person (and are excellent for a future job/college application)

Its great when anyone has hobbies, young or old. But in the long run it’s probably better for her development to have a mum who sees her, without judgement.