Aibu for saying dd14 has to have a hobby

[Isntitisntitisntit]

She has a hobby she moans about constantly she would quite happily give it up -
however my rule is she either has to have a hobby or do volunteer work - if I didn't have this rule she'd be in bed or up the park half the time
she absolutely refuses to do a lot else
because of this she just stays at this hobby she says she hates rather than trying something new

if I give suggestions she says I'm overwhelming her

I really am struggling with the complete la l of motivation she has to do anything

She is really great at creative writing but she says it's too much like school work
she is good at art but it's getting her to do it

she a great at singing and making up songs used to do all the time as a kid but now she just says that I say she's great at everything and that she's not

Ah OK I'm in Ireland and entry to universities is based on academics only not the scouts or dancing. I didn't realise that was the case in the UK I thought that was American.

Here kids work from 16 and that's where you show your work ethic for the likes of apprenticeships rather than playing the flute or whatever.

I agree, my kids have to do a physical activity and a hobby. What about getting a job, would she do that?

I’ve just seen the update that she has ADHD. When you have ADHD the shame you live with is almost the worst thing. It eats right to the core of you. You’re her mum. Please accept her for who she is. My parents were amazing. I didn’t have an ADHD dx as a kid (incorrect bipolar dx as a teen), my parents knew I was different, but they just supported me so much. I knew I was always good enough for them. When I was really into something, they backed it and encouraged me. If they were disappointed with my many, many failures, I never knew it. I’m so lucky that they’re my parents. Yet I still live with deep deep shame cause that’s ADHD.

Yes that I don't mind

The dopamine hits from social media is making everything seem boring. I had a business that relied on tik tok for a bit and got completely addicted to it. If I wasn't on it, I was itching to get it out of my pocket. Literally always on my mind. I'm nearly 40! Imagine the damage it's doing to teenagers. I completely agree she needs some interests, if nothing else to try to stop everything apart from a screen feeling boring.

No this is the same in Uk. Uni entrance is based on academics, def not extra curriculars (unless they have very obvs connection).

She wants to do that but is very picky and unrealistic as to what she will do

I have found a few volunteer roles and said I would give her the money that I would have paid on her bobby which is £60 a month - if she was to do it and commit to it. She said I was overwhelming her when I'm just trying to give her the options I can in life - I just struggle with the complete lack of motivation she has so much going for her but doesn't want to do a thing

I totally agree with you OP.

I think a lot of young people's problems are due to a lack of purpose. I believe having a hobby/ passion in life is vital to mental wellbeing. Ever child has an interest/talent and an important part of parenting is finding it and nurturing it.

I agree. Dd is 14 plays hockey and does rowing. She has also been volunteering recently - two hours a week in a charity shop, for Duke of Edinburgh award. This has given her a lot of confidence and motivation. Dd actually said she may carry on volunteering once she has completed the required time as she is enjoying it. Otherwise she just stays at home and does puzzles or wants to go on YouTube or watch tv.

It does seem your dd does spend time with people her own age outside of school.

Dd2 is 12 and swims weekly and kayaks. She also does a few after school clubs. We have said for now they need two 'clubs'. They can drop one if they find something else.

Yes, but we really should aim for more than doom scrolling on tiktok all bloody day.

I know I'd rather employ the young person that can tell me about something interesting about themselves at interview.
So, young person A, tell me a little about yourself, what have you been doing recently outside of school work?
"Yes, last week, my friends and I travelled to Any Town and we saw Some sort of interesting thing. It was great fun, we got the train there and stayed for a few hours. I've always liked the Interesting Thing, I actually stated a club for it school".

Same question, Young Person B. "Uhh. Not much. Player Xbox mostly. "

I've interviewed young people, and god knows some are SO BORING. Young lands who do absolutely nothing apart from XBox/PS5. Or 19 year olds who have absolutely no interests.

BORING BORING PEOPLE.

YANBU OP - teens have a huge amount of spare time especially if they are not engaging in homework or extracurriculars. Obviously workload gets heavier once GCSEs kick in.

Mine are pretty busy out of school - they have kept on various things from primary school days - and so have little time for or interest in social media (no tik tok, snap chat or instagram) and they haven’t even asked for it.
It wasn’t part of our cunning plan, it just evolved that way. I am sure it will all go wrong soon enough but for now it seems to be ok.

It's essential for mental and physical health for kids to sit in their rooms, on their own, scrolling? Wow.

I have adhd too so I absolutely know that but I also know that you have to be busy and stimulated to stop yourself just hiding away and not living life. I know how easy it is to go down the wrong path just vecause those people accept you
I tell my daughter and how my daughter how great she is every day.
I wouldn't care if she wanted to try a different hobby then change what I do care about is not wanting to do anything and just being angry and resistant all the time.
yes she has adhd but I know more than anyone rhey we have to still have the life skills we need to be able to live a life - she deserves a good life so if I just let her do completely as she pleases now where will that leave her. If she had some motivation for anything I'd 100% back it

I insisted my dd chose a hobby. I didn't care what it was, but it had to be at least once a week.
She went with hockey (I know it's not the mn way to say what hobbies people do)
She loves it

My thought is that everyone has a passion in life, they just need to find it.

If I hadn't insisted, she would have spent all her time indoors on devices

I have adhd so understand how difficult it can be to tear oneself from one's phone!

Swap it for a dumb phone - she can keep in touch with people but it removes the addictive element. Or if you really don't think you can do this, confiscate it for 2 hours a day so that she has to find a way to keep herself occupied - no screens allowed.

She'll complain like crazy at first that she's bored but we all have to learn to be bored and boredom is good for mental health, it leads to creativity so she'll start picking up stuff to do.

If she enjoys the gym but only goes with her friends get her personal training sessions. I can't do the gym on my own, I need some structure so fitness class or pt keeps me motivated (and I can't see her wanting to do fitness classes alone!).

Rather than overwhelming her with choices, give her a limited number to choose from in screen-free time, 3 is fine. If she refuses to do any of them, she can swap one from one she will do but it has to be screen free.

There are lots of books now about living with & managing adhd in girls and women that you should both read (not all of them lol). Studies suggest people with adhd have a dopamine deficiency making them vulnerable to junk food and junk for the brain (social media) because its designed to hit our happy hormones hard & fast. Replacing these with healthy options means we can manage the condition, stimulate and soothe our minds.

Hobbies are good, yes, but so is meditation and mindfulness.

The pomodoro method is great for short bursts of productivity. 20 minutes of tidying is all I can ever manage but you can get a fair bit done in that time, even with distractions. Doing it to favourite music helps. Pomodoro apps available.

I feel like this might be a chicken and egg situation - I'm going to have to try and come up with a plan to reduce the screen time without it being a big deal to her. A lot of her friends hang round at this hobby a few time a week but she just won't she is always wanted there I think your right tik Tok is more appealing

Actually the converse of what you are suggesting is true. Hobbies, interests and some social time is really important for mental and physical health. Scrolling through social media for hours, isolated in your bedroom with apathy for everything else absolutely is not.

She’s 14. She will find something she likes at some point.

I hated any kind of organised club at that age. It just felt like an extension of school and made me miserable.

Not if she's festering in her bedroom doom scrolling.

Its surprising to me that someone who had ADHD can be so rigid in their thinking about what’s best for other people.

She 14, you can’t dictate these things like you could when she was 8. Right now she wants to hang with friends. There are many parents who would love it if their teens wanted to spend time with their friends in the park. It doesn’t mean she’ll never have hobbies 🤷 she’ll come back to something.

You say she likes creative things. Your best bet would be for you to take up a creative thing at home. She’ll just end up joining you (if you don’t in any way try to nag her into it). Were role models. Model the behaviour and activity rather than set rules.

Thank you this sis o helpful
I think 2 hours per day is a manageable start for both of us - I have trouble being consistent myself sometimes bjt this is manageable

I think your right about the choices too maybe it's too much
I was thinking of maybe doing reverse psychology saying she's not allowed to go anymore - might be a bit risky thiugh lol
my girl just HATES rules since she was a baby lol

Also why don’t you set some limits on her screen time? (apologies if you’ve already mentioned this I haven’t read the whole thread)

That would be more effective to get her to pour some focus and energy isn’t something healthier, even if it isn’t an organised club activity.

She's not really though about 2 of those days she is the rest in her room on tik tok and Snapchat -