Aibu for saying dd14 has to have a hobby

[Isntitisntitisntit]

She has a hobby she moans about constantly she would quite happily give it up -
however my rule is she either has to have a hobby or do volunteer work - if I didn't have this rule she'd be in bed or up the park half the time
she absolutely refuses to do a lot else
because of this she just stays at this hobby she says she hates rather than trying something new

if I give suggestions she says I'm overwhelming her

I really am struggling with the complete la l of motivation she has to do anything

I’m with OP. My son plays a team sport but he’s started to talk of giving up. Problems is, if he gave up, he wouldn’t find new interests, he would just want to spend more time on his phone, YouTube or his PlayStation, none of which is good in excess for his physical or mental health. We’ve said he can give up if he can find another hobby, but he’s showed no inclination to do that so he continues with his sport.

To be honest I have had to give up on screen time for my own sanity - I cannot argue day and moon about it. All hell breaks loose

That's exactly what happens hwre - she just says everything overwhelms her

If I could rip that phone away and chuck it I absolutely would -

Hold on a minute. What is wrong with talking to her friends on Snapchat or meeting them in the park?

That's not rotting in her room scrolling tiktok, that's developing friendships and social skills (sure sometimes using tech, but that's ok). If you're going to be assigning value to what she does in her free time, spending time with friends has to be on the 'worthy' end of the scale.

Ease up on her.

This is your problem, your fear. Not a problem with her.

I think it's a perfectly good and reasonable rule. What time commitment are you expecting her to put into the hobby? If it's swim training at 6am everyday, she might have a point, but if we're talking one afternoon a week then you're absolutely right to enforce it.

Is she addicted do you think? Sometimes a complete detox is genuinely needed to break the cycle! We are exceptionally low screen with DSD10 and because that’s normal to her she doesn’t complain but I see friends of hers even at such a young age who behave like a crack addict if you suggest a screen free activity!

How would you like someone make you do something you dislike for an afternoon a week?

however my rule is she either has to have a hobby or do volunteer work

This rule is complete batshit to me.

You’re going to have a very strained relationship later in life if this is the case.

It is if that's the only thing in life - I live in an area where county lines is rife so I really worry about her just hanging around. She has adhd so is particularly vulnerable

cos I wanted to give her a good start by having a hobby ? I mean I'd understand if I was putting her to work but this is for her?

I'm an adult I have to do stuff I don't want to do all the time! And often it's not even in my best interests like this is for the OP's daughter.

(Also, as I understand from the OP she just has to do an activity. She can choose one she likes. The OP hasn't specified it has to be something she doesn't like!).

She completely is
I would love to do that but I just really wouldn't be able to - this is why I'm trying to introduce hobbies etc for her but she literally has lost all imagination

Sounds about normal for a 14 year old. They are more interested in each other than anything else. A hobby could be something she does at home but it can't really be something she doesn't like - that's just a chore. Presumably she goes to school and does homework. Why can't she relax of an evening?

People stating this girl needs time to herself maybe need to reflect on how much time a hobby takes up! DSD does an instrument, two dance classes and two sports for a total of 6 hours per week plus 5-6 weekends a year for shows/competitions. 30 hours at school and approx 60 hours asleep still leaves her 72 free hours per week to play, relax, etc!

No, you can't "require a hobby". A hobby is something someone does because they themselves enjoy doing it or find it satisfying. Not something their parents or anyone else thinks is suitable. This girl is 14. Teenagers have always spent a lot of time lurking in their bedrooms. The more she's pressured and nagged about hobbies, sports and activities, the more she'll resist. The most you can do is make encouraging suggestions, without being too obvious about it and guilt-tripping her.

She just about goes to school with multiple texts to me per day about how she wants to come home
she won't do her homework I try but she won't and it ends in an argument for both our sakes I don't push that - refuses to go to home work club
im having to pay a tutor as she is far behind but ecen that is a fight (just less of a fight than gown work)

So your fear of her becoming involved in crime means that you restrict her going to the park with friends?

Stop trying to force her into your idea of who she should be and find out who she is. A good relationship and open communication with you is the best thing you can give her to protect her from criminals exploiting her.

Also have a very good think about your fears, anxieties and need to control

She’s 14.

She’s a kid. She should be able to enjoy being carefree. This is the only time in her life she will be able to have this time being a teenager.

When I was 14 in the late 2000’s, I loved spending my time with my friends- at parks, at sleepover, ice skating, cinema, on MySpace, Bebo and MSN etc . etc.

I would have been horrified and embarrassed if my parents forced me to do a “hobby” that I didn’t want to do, or do some volunteering when I was 14.

You say this “is for her”. So why don’t you let her figure it all out for herself? Let her have fun with her friends. Let her explore different activities without her dictating what she should be doing.

Not having a “hobby” doesn’t mean you’re not having a good start.

Exactly. It’s bad enough having to do stuff you don’t like as an adult to keep a roof over your head. There’s no need when you’re 14.

To be clear she chose this hobby since she was a kid - went away tried other stuff came back to this as she liked it. She just now wants to leave as she wants to go out. She gave up horse riding and guides 2 years ago as she wanted to go out I do draw the line at no hobby at all vecause I know where it's going
can't believe how many actually Think I'm cruel for this

All you'll do is put her off the idea of hobbies and volunteering for years to come

Absolutely not! At 14, you already have school & peer group relationships to deal with. I had a mother who made me continue a “hobby” which I absolutely dreaded & detested. I went to Guides until 16 (I helped out after finishing myself) and flute lessons.

I am now 50 & in therapy because of the way this made me feel. Just don’t do it. My one rule for adult life has been that I will allow my DCs to do any hobby they wish - but I’ll never force them. One played a sport to a county level, the other two have done very little. But they’re all happy.

I agree. I know they go through stages that they complain but honestly I think hobbies are so important so we ensure they have a hobby too. Sometimes if they are feeling overwhelmed because they are going through a stressful period (think 11+) we let them pause one temporarily if they want - but depends on the child. But they all have 3 activities each.

Oh give over, children and teens all over the world have had to spend a bit of time doing something they’d rather not but that their parents deem good for them since the dawn of time. Attendance at a place of worship/chores/ extra tuition, visiting elderly relatives etc etc

You can still have a good relationship with your kids even if you don’t indulge their every whim. The OPs reasoning is completely sound.